thatsagoodpunchline

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TROPHY CASE


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    2012-02-05

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 689 points690 points ago

So I didn't think that this would get such a huge response, but thanks for that! I hate to do it, but I really have to be off now (just did an Aristocrats, where better to end?). Finish each others jokes though! This is a democracy, I want to come back and see some clever sod's fantastic reply at the top of the pile, not mine. Then I will send him/her a PM of my dick and middle finger for daring to challenge me. Seriously, thanks, have fun!

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 109 points110 points ago

It's actually just because I've done what I guess is some pretty ruthless anti-religious stuff in previous bits of work. It's not a blanket policy for the place I'm going to be working, but the guy who hired me wants me specifically to take it easy...for a while.

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 14 points15 points ago

Liara T'Soni asked "How far can an elevator on the Citadel move in two and a half hours?"...

EDIT: Tauren aren't from Mass Effect. Taurian are. OOOOOOPS

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 514 points515 points ago

A family walks into the office of a talent agent, looking for representation. There's a father and a mother, three children (a boy of about fourteen, a girl of about eight and a little baby boy that couldn't be older than two years old) and the family's even brought along their dog.

"So, show me your act." The talent agent says.

"I'll do one better than that," the father replies, "I'll SHOW you our act."

The father hits play on a tape player that he's brought along, and a song begins to play. The family, save for the dog and the baby, stand in a line and bow their heads, so much so that their bodies are in the shape of a horseshoe if viewed from the side. The talent agent is viewing them from the front however, and sees as they rise up that the men have managed to unzip their pants with their mouths and take hold of their cocks with their own mouths and are slowly stretching them out as they rise further and further. The women have reached under their skirts and grabbed the ends of tampon strings in their mouths and as they rise have removed a bloodied tampon each from their vaginas. "But the girl is surely too young to have begun menstruation?" thinks the talent agent, when he notices that the girl hasn't been bleeding because of anything natural, rather she has something up there, something so huge that it is causing her insides to rupture. A pair of aged human hands, covered in glitter, shoots out from the small girl's vagina and begin to do jazz hands as the two girls spin their tampons around to the beat of the music like a pair of bloodied tassels. The two males are still stretching their own genitals with their teeth, when suddenly a synchronized snap rings through the room as the father and son's penises tear off in unison. They join in the tassel-esque swinging motion with the ladies as the jazz hands protruding from the daughter's vagina reach out more and become full length arms, at which point they begin doing "the monkey". The two men walk into centre stage, penis tassels still swinging, and the baby crawls up underneath them. In a death defying leap, the baby does a backflip up to meet the level of the penis tassels and in one smooth motion ties the two bloodied, swinging ends together in a sailor's knot. The dog now leaps into the air, as if in slow motion, and lands perfectly on the two tied penises, which act as a tightrope for the daring acrobatics show about to be performed. Flip after flip, the dog bounces on the penis tightrope like a Russian ballerina, and slowly begins to shed his fur. As this is going on, the arms protruding from the daughter's vagina have reached out more and suddenly a fully grown man in his mid 40's plops out. Uncle has joined the show! Completely naked and, like his hands, covered in glitter, Uncle leaps onto the penis tightrope with the now completely furless and slightly larger dog who, the talent scout notices, is transforming into Michael J Fox a la Teen Wolf. The two women, on the outer edges of the performance, tampon tassels still swinging, begin to shit all over the stage and run in a figure 8 around the two men, creating an infinity sign that, in the show, represents the infinite possibilities available to us if we sort out racism. The baby leaps into the arms of the now fully transformed and naked Michael J Fox, who begins to shake the baby like a castanet for obvious reasons. Ladies swinging bloodied tampons in their mouths and skating a river of shit, men standing steadfast with blood gushing from where their genitals once were, and now holding their knotted penises between their teeth, upon which Michael J Fox and Uncle dance the Charleston, naked and glittery, with baby being shaken like a thirteen year old shakes a bottle of diet Coke full of Mentos, they simultaneously fall to their knees, throw their hands in the air and begin to pant. The show is over.

The talent agent is stunned. "What...what in the world do you call an act like that?" He asks.

The family, all together, reply "...

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 11 points12 points ago

Once, when drunk, I came up with a proof for the Goldbach Conjecture. I knew it wouldn't be long before I forgot the thought, so I tried to scribble it down on the wall of the public toilet I was in...

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 8 points9 points ago

I killed a room full of people by filling it with Nitrous Oxide...

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 36 points37 points ago

How many Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, their mother because that's whose house they're living in.

PSYCH, NERD!

(I love HGTTG)

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 106 points107 points ago

So it turns out I'm (I literally mean me, not some imaginary joke guy, me. The human who is typing this.) able to play the harpsichord with my penis!

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 410 points411 points ago

Ryan Gosling got a little less romantic during his least successful sequel role in...

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 683 points684 points ago

You know when people tell you to "fuck off"? Well they actually mean for you to go somewhere specifically, and to never come back. That place has a name...

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 38 points39 points ago

This punchline was lookin' at mah girl, so I sank a couple of brews, rolled up my sleeves, And that's how I totally fucked up the punchline.

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 1870 points1871 points ago

Looking for new tyres, a man walked into a tyre store (which was sensible) and asked the attendant "Do you have any of the black ones that are good with gravelly bits?" To which the attendant replied, "

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 11 points12 points ago

There was once a Paedophile who was known in the Paedophilic community for being particularly cheap, as people walked by his house (they clearly all knew where he lived), they shout "...

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 356 points357 points ago

Han Solo had just been dumped by Leia and Luke Skywalker was trying to console him. "How about we just go and get drunk, man?" Luke said. "There's no alcohol in the world that could get me drunk enough to feel better about this, Luke, old buddy." Han replied. "I think there might be. I know a special type of ale that might do it." Luke whispered the secret name of the drink into Han's ear, to which Han brashly replied...

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 58 points59 points ago

One day, lisa-needs-braces looked through his comment history and said

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 1426 points1427 points ago

The first time I had sex, I took phrases a little bit too literally and there was a lot of blood. And that's when I realized that you aren't supposed to eat it.

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 217 points218 points ago

If you ever want to make a child laugh, question themselves and the world and respect you far more as their elder and superior, when they tell you a joke that start's with "Why did the chicken cross the road?", reply instantly with "That's not a chicken, that's a goose!" I know I've not done the punchline properly, but seriously. Kids love that kind of shit.

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 547 points548 points ago

There's a show that somebody's opinions on will allow me to instantly judge them as a person and potential sexual partner...

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 777 points778 points ago

10 llamas decide that the want to become pilots. The first gets 100% on his test and gets invited to train at NASA. The second gets 90% on his test and becomes a pilot for an advanced, top secret military aircraft. The third gets 80% on his test and is a pilot for an F-16. The fourth gets 70% on his test but decides he actually wants to be a baker but that's just fine and he's very happy with his new career. The fifth gets 60% on his test and becomes a pilot for a major international airline. The sixth gets 50% on his test and becomes a pilot for a domestic airline. The seventh actually took the wrong test but got 100% in a med exam which was pretty miraculous and is now on the talk show circuit promoting his book "Medical Miracle", which is the next Oprah Book of the Month Club book. The eighth got 40% on his exam and became a pilot for a hot air balloon at a local carnival. The ninth only got 20% on his test and is now a pilot for Virgin Airlines (HIIIYOOOO). The final Llama failed his test completely, getting none of the questions was right. The examiner asked "What happened, are you unhappy in your home life, perhaps?" to which the llama replied "No soap, radio!"

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 542 points543 points ago

This new girl came to work for the IRS and wanted to take on the task of finally tracking down where Donald Trump keeps all of the money that he hides from the taxman. So I brought her the essentials: pens, a notepad, a calculator, and a dirty glove.

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 90 points91 points ago

A restaurant in downtown New Orleans had for many years been a front for an underground prostitution ring. Prostitution may well be legal in New Orleans, I'm not sure, but this was an UNDERGROUND prostitution ring so even if regular ass prostitution was allowed, imagine the kinds of crazy things that would happen at this place, eh? Now you're interested. Well, the way things would work is that people would come in, ask for a "meal" and be taken out back to receive their order. A "ham sandwich" was a threesome with two larger women, the "duck a l'orange" was sex with a tanned woman and the "crab bisque" was for the cheapskates. The business closed down after a police raid and the place was put under new, more traditional management. So anyway, then some dude walks in who doesn't know that and the new waiter asks if he wants to start with the soup and suddenly changing from third to first person narration he's all "Soup!?" I said. "But I brought my wife!" I'll admit the punchline was a little forced there, but crab bisque, eh? Come on.

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 934 points935 points ago

The Beatles often wrote some of their music when drunk from the free alcohol their generous hotels would often provide. In the song "Why Don't We Do It In The Road", the most important band member was Paul McCartney, in "I'm So Tired" it was John Lennon But in The End, it was the hotel concierge!

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 756 points757 points ago

Two men with fairly common names in non-western parts of the world, Jesus (pronounced HAY-SOOS) and Muhammad (pronounced STEE-VEN, it was misspelled on the birth certificate), were wandering around a supermarket when Jesus, who suffered from a mild speech impediment, picked up a product from the fridge. Then Jesus looked at Muhammad and said, "I can't believe it's not Buddha!" (NOTE: I've been specifically told that I will get my "bollocks ripped off" if religion becomes an issue for the folks I'm writing for. So yeah, this one is a nice joke about a couple of good buddies with dairy allergies.)

Write me a punchline, and I'll write you the joke that came before it. by thatsagoodpunchlinein AskReddit

[–]thatsagoodpunchline[S] 1000 points1001 points ago

Hi guys, my name is Jeff Dunham and I dislike ethnics! That's the joke!

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