Husband has marriage doldrums

purplebps · 1 year

Oh, man. I was just so sad reading your post. I think you are in a tight spot. I don't know if I can help you at all- partly because I'm no relationship genius, partly because I'm switching anti-convulsants right now and haven't slept in ages, but mostly because real life problems like this often don't have fixed answers. But I'm gonna try.

You mention a couple of particular things that have been bothering you:

1) money, combined with her failure to take the initiative to alleviate financial difficulties,

2) her day-to-day complaints and problems becoming overly burdensome for you,

3) her reluctance to address her depression,

4) her lack of initiation of sex, or perhaps just general sexual distance between you two

5) her lack of career direction.

These are all legitimate concerns and they need- NEED- to be addressed. It sounds like you are shouldering an awful lot of the load in your marriage and that is not okay. The obvious thing for me to say is: "you two just need to set aside some time so that you can sit down together and address them explicitly until you have arrived at a solution for each problem." And that's absolutely true. But you've been in this game for awhile, and you're no dummy; I think you already know that. So it seems to me more likely that the real problem is something more fundamental, something underlying all the more particular problems. The problem is that the two of you have gotten to a place where it is no longer easy (or maybe even possible) to just talk about stuff like this and figure it out together. You've got this whole life together, sure. But you're not close. Not anymore.

Does that sound right? Do you think that's where the malaise is stemming from?

My SO and I have been together for over a decade. When we first got together we were madly, brutally in love. And we are still crazy in love with each other now. Really, it's kind of ridiculous. But any long-term relationship subject to the problems of the real world is going to have its ups and downs. And I've noticed some things about the downs. We're not big fighters. And we're generally quite rational and willing to talk about issues that arise in a cool hour so they don't get out of hand. But sometimes it's not that anything in particular has happened, there's just this...distance. Sometimes it doesn't last that long, and it's easy to snap out of. Once, he noticed it coming from me, and just asked me to "come back to" him. And that was enough. But sometimes it lasts awhile, and addressing it, for various complicated reasons about circumstance and character traits, isn't really an option.

The thing I've noticed about these extended downs, these periods of distance, is that I suffer from kind of a gestalt shift: he seems like a different person to me during those times. He's not as smart, or as courageous, or as good-looking; he's not really HIM anymore. Everything he does is suddenly- and it is abrupt- colored by new negative view of him. I find fault with things that I would otherwise have been able to laugh off. I find fault with everything he does. And thought it breaks my heart to write this, to actually admit to anyone other than myself, there have been times when I wasn't sure I was really going to be able to ride it out.

That probably sounds more pessimistic than I intended. I actually meant it to be helpful. Here's the thought: when this distance between a couple gets out of hand, it can end up altering your perceptions of your SO and everything she does so that you only see her in a poor light. Just as love can make you gloss over failings that are clearly present, distance can invent fault, or turn what would otherwise be a problem to be worked out into a deal-breaker.

So I guess my recommendation is to try to consider your SO in two different lights. When you looked at her with love, before this distance, was that a person worth loving? Or is how you are viewing her now, in this less optimal light, is this the accurate portrayal of the woman you are married to? Which one is your wife?

Edit: I feel weirdly confident in assessing your character from your post, and I just want to say: you're a good guy. Having these kinds of doubts does not make you a bad guy. And however this all works out, you are going to be okay.

lymehelp · 1 year

Right, but I guess that's the whole trick! I've read about some crazy stuff that's obvious. There's this one test I heard some LLMDs use, called the "muscle test" where apparently your physical grip on some medicine helps them determine whether or not it will help you (!!!). So the obvious stuff I get. But I'm worried I won't be able to tell when confronted with more nuanced procedures. Like right now- here, I got a blood test, recommended to me by a guy in a white coat, it went to a lab where they did scientific stuff to it, must be legit, right?. But then I read all these other doctors telling me it's a scam and I don't know what to believe any more.

lymehelp · 1 year

I really appreciate your comment, and I apologize if I came off as a bit harsh in my post. Believe me, I understand the agony of being sick and not getting any answers, as well as, to add insult to injury, having to worry that others simply think it might be all in your head.

So, to clarify: It seems to me to be obviously true that the current established medical community does not know everything there is to know about medicine. There's just no way around that. I also think the mere fact that some treatment/diagnostic tool is part of the established procedure is not the sole arbiter of its legitimacy.

I don't want to be overly skeptical, by any means. But I also know that I am desperate. And I know that desperation does not always yield rational thought. So, I already know I need be proceed with caution. And then, when I started looking into Chronic Lyme disease, I saw some things that, well, gave me pause:

1) The community seems intellectually incestuous, citing the same quotes from the same limited number of doctors and research, circularly referencing one another to back up evidential claims.

2) LLMDs seem weirdly secretive: no doctors advertise themselves as LLMDs and instead I have to sign up for some website and pay money to get a referral.

3) I've not found any LLMD that accepts health insurance (which I think provides some evidence of credibility or lack thereof)

4) The costs of treatment are exorbitant: upwards of $10,000.

5) Some of the labs that specialize in Lyme testing have been shut down for unethical practices. One that was shut down, Bowen, actually showed 100% positive returns for Lyme disease.

6) Frankly, all of the websites about Chronic Lyme disease have sort of a sketchy kind of feel.

7) Many, many, many doctors are highly suspicious of the community, the diagnostic tools, as well as the treatment protocols recommended by LLMDs.

I do not think that these concerns, even taken together, provide conclusive evidence that this is a scam. In fact, all this is perfectly consistent with it being the case that LLMDs are pioneers in a field that are fighting against an entrenched establishment. The facts are also perfectly consistent with me just being really bad at googling things. But I do think what I've seen should at least make me wary.

So that's why I was looking for some kind of objective marker to help me make this decision. Hence my focus on the CD57. You mention that Lab Corp rarely gives out false positives. Do you remember where you read that? Do you have any info about the use of this test and its legitimacy?

As for an LLMD, I'm in Virginia. I would love, LOVE to find a reputable LLMD. If I can go to an LLMD that I can be sure is just as likely to turn me away, telling me I don't have Lyme disease, as not, that will quell many of my concerns. (I've mostly been just a lurker, and I can't seem to figure out how to PM. Sorry!)

lymehelp · 1 year

I don't think I've had a PCR (I've not had any spinal tap or anything like that). Honestly, I've had a devil of a time trying to decipher the lab report, and my GP was a little unsure of some of the tests himself. So, here are the relevant tests that were run, exactly as listed on the report:

Lyme Ab/Western Blot Reflex: Lyme IgG/IgM Ab (Result: less than .91, which is normal)

Lyme Disease Ab, Quant IgM (Result: Less than .91, also normal)

HNK1 (CD57) Panel Abs.CD8-CD57 + Lymphs (Result: 34, Low [Normal listed as 60-360])

Thanks for even thinking of this. I really appreciate the help.

lymehelp · 1 year

Thank you, I'm still not sure quite what to believe, but this was very helpful and I am definitely going to check out those papers. Just to clarify: The only things I have found CD57 being used for is for testing for AIDs and for Lyme disease. You are suggesting it can also be indicative of other problems? Or are you making a stronger claim- that it does not indicate any problem at all?

I've read that even the standard two tiered testing (ELISA and WB) yields false negatives in about 35% of cases (I think I got this from Wikipedia), especially with the complication of comorbid herpes.

Clinically, I have a fair number of fitting symptoms: seizures and various neurological issues, feeling like I have the flu all the time, extreme fatigue, disorientation, confusion, memory problems. But, these could all easily be symptoms of a different problem. The symptoms did come on suddenly, right after a month of camping in the right locations. I'm sure I got a number of ticks (it's been so long, I can't quite remember), but I always get ticks when I camp. Since all the tests seem kind of dubious, maybe the thing to do is try to approach this clinically?

lymehelp

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