Senopa, your case is almost exactly the same as my own.

Like you, I was unable to have a pelvic exam at all. I had many traumatizing trips to the gyno that ended up with me drugged (by the docs) and in hysterics. Eventually, they were forced to do an exam under anesthesia. I, too, thought that I had an imperforate hymen, but was able to have regular periods so wasn't sure how serious it was, or whether this was the big issue at all. This was all self-diagnosed from a girl who had never been able to touch herself, but knew her body and trusted her instincts.

I went in for my surgery, and I remember asking the surgeon right before going under if he could just cut my hymen out. I figured I had dealt with enough pain down there, and breaking through the hymen during sex was the last thing I wanted to experience. He said no, that he was only going to do the pelvic exam. Frustrated, I fell asleep.

When I woke up, my doc told me that I did indeed have an imperforate hymen, and that it was now removed. Awesome! Problem solved, right? Not quite. Try to avoid getting caught up in thoughts like, "After the surgery, I'll be fixed." "By my 21st birthday, I'll be able to have sex". These thoughts are poison, and will bring you down. They've ruined my self-esteem, and torn relationships (even great ones like the one you have) apart. I continued to do pelvic floor physical therapy, with little progress, and continued pain. I was desperate, and suicidal. It was obvious that something needed to happen to finally figure this out.

It may be that you do have an imperforate hymen, and that's the end of the issue, and physical therapy will work wonders for you. I sincerely hope that is the case. However, with me, I'm still struggling with it today because I had to go in for a second surgery (vestibulectomy) to remove a layer of the vagina that was the sole place that was causing searing pain. This surgery occurred about a year and a half after my first one.

Now, I'm completely pain-free, but not free from the anxiety. Although I am able to achieve penetration, my anxiety prevents me from actually having intercourse yet (that, and I don't have a boyfriend). I'm on my way to recovery, which is more than I could've said before my surgeries. Yes, surgery is an extreme option and I want to make sure you explore everything else before resorting to it - but sometimes it is the best option. Be open with your doctor and your boyfriend.

Please PM me if you have any questions/concerns at all. I'm only a little further along on this fucked-up path we're on, but our experiences sound so similar that I'm sure I can answer some things for you. Having vaginismus is difficult for obvious reasons, but one of the biggest things that troubled me the most is something you highlighted: its embarassing. In such a sex-saturated society, people sometimes can't understand that its just impossible for you to have sex. So, at least for me, nobody knew. I lied to everyone. And because there are no support groups out there, it ate at me internally. So please, reach out to me if you need anyone.

Sorry this post is so long, I really really want to make sure you're okay because I know exactly how you feel.