What my 12 year old mind thought a penis felt like.

heyothrowawayo · 8 months

Thank you. I don't see it as courage, as at the time I was scared shitless. Though I do take pride in the fact that I do not let him control my life anymore. It's tough when you're so dependant on them financially.

heyothrowawayo · 8 months

Nearly cried at your comment. You have a way with words, and you're very wise. It's very sad that so many children have to suffer, without seemingly so at the time, through the same sorts of things that I have.

i think the times where they do escape such situations, survive such experiences are when they've been exposed to someone else who acts as an example, a more or less, unwitting mentor showing them that there are other ways to live that are healthier and worth using your mind to realize, actualize

This part. Absolute terror led me to tell my mum what was happening. Talking to my boyfriend about it, without judgement in a very rational manner helped me realize how serious the situation was, and how important it was for me to move out for good. I hate to make this sound like a "my boyfriend is awesome" comment, but he is that unwitting mentor that holds me together when i start to fall apart. That coupled with my will to be happy, my irrational moments of weakness that turn into rational hours of strength lead me to move forward.

Thank you for this comment. I hope the OP has read everything said on what to do. If I could, I would personally do something to help this poor girl who is going through what I went through. Please be her unwitting mentor, her shining light at the end of the tunnel. She's reached out to you, now it's your job to reach out to somebody who can help.

heyothrowawayo · 8 months

It is true. He would constantly tell me that I was going to grow up lonely because I didn't hug people [I didn't hug because he'd start a massive family fight if I hugged somebody and refused to hug him]. He told me that I would end up living on welfare, or most likely under a bridge, homeless if it weren't for the family [which scared me into not saying anything].

Sadly, after he was arrested and had to stay away from me, my mum would tell me there there was something wrong with me. That the only reason I "made" up all the stuff that I did, was so that I could go see some concert that I wanted to see [of which they had previously said no to]. Apparently I was smart enough at 19 to know that by having him arrested, that he would have a restraining order, and the only way to have him around the house would be if I were gone for a while. And apparently I knew that they would let me go to the concert because of that. I had it all perfectly timed, in my mother's eyes.

She would also tell me that I only used people for material gain. That I was heartless. That I was a fucked up little child because I lied a lot. In her mind, I was supposed to know, at 4, that everything I was doing was wrong. This has affected me the most as I now constantly worry that I am annoying people and they aren't telling me. That people believe I'm only "using" them. I'm afraid to ask for favours in fear of seeming like a burdon. Blargh. This is all very therapeutic. I'm trying to move on, but sometimes something triggers the frustration at everything that happened.

For all that my mum did and DIDN'T do, I still respect her, and pity her. She is a great mother aside from the last little while. I'm tearing up thinking about how things went down, and how she deserves somebody much better. She's had a tough life. She's very ill now too. Blargh.

heyothrowawayo · 8 months

Oh, I apologize - I think I read a different comment right before yours and intertwined them.

That is some crazy messed up stuff right there. Stolkholm's syndrome is quite fascinating, and it sounds like that girl had a serious case of it.

Have you seen the movie, Precious? It was painful to watch, but reminds me of the situation with your dad's sister's [your aunt?] husband. The girl was raped repeatedly by her mother's boyfriend [or her father, I'm not sure], and then her mother hated her for "stealing" her boyfriend away.

There are a lot of fucked up things in this world. I wish everything was all rainbows and butterflies. I'd like to work with troubled youth, but I have so much to confront in my own life that I do not feel strong enough to deal with the emotional situations of others dealing with things that I already have. Maybe later.

heyothrowawayo · 8 months

I'd suggest bringing this up with your parents, and asking them for advice. Since you aren't together anymore, I wouldn't suggest taking her into your home. I'm lucky because I had a friend who had parents who were completely understanding and open-armed to me and welcomed me into their home.

Hopefully she has a friend who can help her as well. But this is beyond our knowledge - this kind of stuff needs wisdom through experience. Talk to your parents, or a teacher, and see if there are woman shelters she can go to.

I nearly went to one, and I was petrified of doing so - she might be too... man was I lucky to have my friend's parents.

heyothrowawayo · 8 months

It's not 'not wearing a bra", it's "going topless so that I can see you". I think for people like OP's father, and my father, it's about being completely vulnerable to him. He wants to feel like he's trusted to see her naked. It could be an excuse too, but honestly, i think that deep down, there's something more than just "I want to see her boobs lawl"

Either way, it's fucked.

heyothrowawayo · 8 months

internet hug

I do have good memories with my dad from when I was a lot younger, or from the times he was normal. But there are a lot of negative ones.

He would have been an amazing father had it not been for the weird, fucked up issues he had. [ie: he was a great stay-at-home dad, and took great care of us, he's intelligent, etc]

heyothrowawayo · 8 months

Thank you so much. My dad never made physical advances as severe as to actually rape me [and I am very grateful for that], but he would corner me on my bed, I'd sit in the corner with my knees up, and he'd try to pry them apart [as young as 9], but never super forcefully, just kind of in a suggestive way. I was sleeping once too, and I could have SWORN that i woke up to a strange feeling in my hand that was hanging off the bed. Kind of soft. So I woke up, and I saw him standing beside me, and then he ran off. Told the police in my statement that he must have put his penis in my hand.

It's fucked up yo.

I'm really sorry to hear that you had been sexually abused as well. I was oblivious to it happening everywhere growing up, but now I'm seeing the reality of the situation. There are a lot of fucked up people in this world.

heyothrowawayo · 8 months

Yuppppp. Took me a good 15 years to realize!

heyothrowawayo · 8 months

Being scared of what could happen, based on what you're threatened with if you do tell somebody, is how the abuser keeps you in his hands.

It's tough at times, but the outcome is a thousand times better than what you're going through. Half the time the abuser is chicken shit, and afraid of being caught. My dad was completely submissive when arrested, and he acts tough with us but once in public, is a scaredy-cat when it comes to confrontation.

heyothrowawayo · 8 months

I bet she does, sadly.

I rarely call home anymore. She's on my facebook so on occasion she'll message me or comment on a photo/status. When I do call [she doesn't call me anymore] she usually puts my dad on the phone and it's always really awkward. She'll let me know sometimes when he's angry about something I've done, but not so much after I've asked her to stop.

Sadly, I don't talk to my brother and sister as much as I would like. Although I love them to death, I have [from my birth parents and no doubt my adopted] a pretty big attachment disorder, and I fear talking to them incase my dad starts getting angry and threatening me. After the court, he threatened to sue me, and even tried [his lawyer couldn't do anything], and he also threatened to break my laptop [which my parents bought for me for school] so that I couldn't return to school, and also used to blackmail me if I needed my student loans signed.

I don't know how my mum's stayed with him. She was married before for 17 years. My dad says that they fought a little bit too. I love my mum... I do. She did a pretty good job setting me up with good morals, but when it comes to my dad, things are weird.

I went over to their house [I still live in the same town] after moving out for the 2nd time, and he was giving me bullshit about moving back in [he knew I wasn't going to, but always plays stupid and gets angry], I was standing my ground, and my mum was criticizing him.

I want to talk to my brother more. My sister too. My sister's going to be at the house for a while 'cause she has a learning disorder that means she develops slower. My brother wants to stay there until university is over [5 years], but I can tell that my dad gets on his nerves a lot as well.

It's all very messed up when I think of it from an outsider's point of view.

heyothrowawayo · 8 months

Haha, I have a main account - I only made this for some random embarrassing post which I've deleted since then.

heyothrowawayo · 8 months

I don't know... some people are just fucked up.

heyothrowawayo · 8 months

Thanks. I'm really concerned for OP's sister.

heyothrowawayo · 8 months

Holy SHIT, this was me last year, except I was your "sister", and the dad was my adoptive father. He kept telling me that he wanted me to sleep topless to "prove" to him that I was committed to acting like a daughter [as I apparently wasn't acting like his ideal]. I GTFO'd not too long after. The only difference is that he had kicked me out years before that, and at that point, I had stupidly returned because he said that he had changed. Anyway.

Here's what happened with me, and I pray to god that it's helpful advice:

My 'father' [and I put it in quotes because I don't think he should be called that] was always making sexually suggestive comments towards me growing up. I'd live in constant fear of having to be alone with him. He'd walk into my room on random occasions while I was sleeping and feel my breasts. He'd pull out his dick on random "sneaky" occasions and find a way to make me see [ie: we were playing chess once, and he had apparently pulled it out of his shorts, dropped a piece on the floor 'by accident' and then asked me to go grab it under the table].

What else had he done... oh geeze. Masterbated in his bedroom when he knew I could see the shadows, threatened me with divorcing my mother if I did not start acting like a "daughter" [he'd tell me that the car was under his name, and that she'd have to quit her job because she couldn't get to work]. I'd be reading a magazine and he'd point at the part over my crotch and say that that was his favourite part. He even came downstairs once when my brother and I were playing video games, dressed in only a robe, asked my brother to leave, told me that he had shaven his nether regions, and then outright told me that he wanted to have sex with me.

This kind of shit happened mostly during the summer while my mum was away at work. I dealt with it by acting ignorant, fighting with him [which caused lots of tension between my mum and dad. Lots of fighting matches occurred as she didn't know what was actually happening], ignoring him, sleeping in many layers, fearing looking pretty incase he commented on it.

He did something once that triggered me to finally tell my mum what was happening [I was 19]. She freaked out, called my aunt, my aunt called Children's Aid, he was arrested and a year of court battles occurred.

Here's the kicker though. My mum started to side with my father. He was very manipulative. The court had issued a restraining order against him and me during the year after he was arrested. He lived with my grandparents, and my mum was fighting for him. It was me against my mum.

I ended up being too insecure to fight him, as my mum had blatantly told me that "if it was her, she'd have recorded dates of all the incidents that he had done something wrong"... or that "i was always a liar growing up".

i was so weak, I gave up and didn't fight in court. The lawyers on my side were trying to defend me and tell the judge that my mum had coerced me into saying that I was delusional [which I know is true. I knew I was right, but still gave up]. The judge sided on my parent's side, and he moved home.

Not too long after, he was angry at me, came at me, I yelled for my mum, and he kicked me out. So I moved in with a friend. I ended up moving back a year later [this is stupid, I know] because my mum had told me that he didn't mean to kick me out, that he had changed. ANd things seemed alright for a while... but then he started getting weird again.

He'd constantly go off on rambles when I was alone with him about how I'm not trying hard enough to be daughterly... and it eventually led him to saying that he wanted me to sleep topless to prove to him that I was dedicated to be so. I had moved away to a summer job just as he was starting this up again, and had started dating my current boyfriend, and finally decided that enough was enough. I talked to my boy about it [which I thought was really risky as we had only dated a few months], he reassured me that everything I was doing [regarding moving out] was absolutely the best idea. He defended me, didn't tell me that I was being delusional. He was the only person I felt to have believed me wholeheartedly. It was the support I needed. I called up my friend again, explained what had happened [no major details], and her parents took me in again. I have felt COMPLETELY safe ever since. I'm much happier, I do not dread going home, or being alone... I'm a much more confident person now.

Dude... your "sister" needs your support. The only reason why I didn't tell my mum about it was because I didn't think she'd believe me, and I was afraid of the financial and social impact it would have on my family. It was hard. It really was - but it was the best decision of my life, telling my mum what was happening. Even though she didn't believe me, I don't know where I would be today if I hadn't said anything about it.

Your sister needs you. Help her. Your dad is fucked up and needs some sort of serious counselling. No person who is right in the head requests that somebody sleep topless.

To quote The Tots:

Now is a life changing time for you. In 20 years you will be one of two people: 1) The dude that did what needed the fuck to be done and saved a girl from an ongoing traumatic experience 2) The dude who never got the balls to do what needed to be done and contributed to the mental instability of some poor girl.

My emotional stability because of all the crap that happened to me is out of whack. I'm insecure because I never had the support I needed until my boyfriend to do what needed to be done. I am praying [and I'm not the religious type] that you do something. Please.

anotherrandomusernam · 8 months

Well, I do need a new prescription soon, that's for sure. Perhaps I'll bring some objective friends with me to help me out! I'd say my boyfriend, but he'd say everything looks good on me.

anotherrandomusernam

TROPHY CASE

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