Lets start at the beginning. You met him when you were in a foreign country, at a young age, and were filled with a wild love for him. One of the hallmarks of youth is a desparate need to have our impressions be correct, to not be wrong about those we love. He very much exploited this, in that he told you that how he conducted himself was the norm. He thereby denied you your own impressions and your own worth, in that he bent you to serve him from the beginning.

All the avenues of your life in which you have expanded yourself and grown from that point have been bent to his will, without any clarity granted to you. This means that you have a very, very unclear idea as to the reality of your role. You may hope and expect to be viewed as a lover and wife to this man, with the resulting belief that you are not very nice in making demands or in having wishes to be fulfilled.

However, reality presents a very different picture to someone reading your post from the outside. You do not have the role of wife, or lover, to this man. Instead, you have a position that is much, much less. You have been granted entry into his life solely on you taking on the position of, well, ... slave.

His slave. You have zero autonomy, of thought, word or deed. You have been denied, in terms of your mind, your intellect, your morality and goodness, your conscience, your body and your sexuality. His gaslighting of you is vicious. You've had presented to you a vision of yourself that is so disgusting, I can assure you it will take you years to realise the damage he has done to you.

The guilt and sorrow you feel are more signs of this. You've been an uninformed slave for years, labelled a slut and a user for existing. Returning the repressed self is deeply painful, even more so when those around us reject that side of us. Note the next words I say very carefully; he will say anything to have you stay. He will be horrified to see his slave become a person. He will do this not because he loves you, because he does not. He will do this because he will want to continue to own his slave, to have power over it. He thinks you are stupid and gullible, and that you will continue to bend to his will if he tells you to. He will feel that his words will be enough to keep you quiet, and that you will not demand more of him than this. Remember, he cannot bear to use your first name; you are a nothing to him.

I would recommend that you remove yourself physically from him immediately. Do not see him or speak to him again, if at all possible. Do ensure he is no longer an influence in your life. Gain insight into yourself by counselling and by gaining more life experience. You have a deep wound to recover from, and you should give yourself that time.

I finish by hoping that you are a troll, and that none of this is true, but heartbreakingly I think it is. The very best wishes to you, and call on me at any stage if you need any advice.