You are by no means alone friend.

I actually don't get to smoke to often because I live with my parents while i go through college. They promise to kick me out if they find out i've been smoking. I'm a really good person and I want to respect my parents so I don't smoke unless I can absolutely get away with it or i'm suicidal. That being said, I suffer from social anxiety which in turn causes he depression. All day long it feels like there is a giant weight on my shoulders, my mind is constantly racing, and being in public is excruciatingly uncomfortable. When girls giggle I assume they are laughing at me in some way. when I sit in a classroom before the class starts, My mind says " society expects you to go talk to people" but i'm to scared to talk to people and I have no idea why. That's every moment when I am in the presence of multiple strangers. At night the depression kicks in. everything negative about myself comes straight to the front of my mind and I can't forgive myself for any of it. I view myself as second rate. Suicide comes up a lot many nights. Then i fight these irrations crazy emotions until i fall asleep. Rinse and repeat until I get a hold of tress.

The giant weight is lifted. I talk when i have something to say. I don't constantly beat myself up for being me. Tress makes me feel normal and love life. The fact that i can hardly ever smoke makes college years stressful. I don't know If i will live past them in all honesty. But if the day ever comes when i decide to end it, I will toke up first and realize it isn't time to go.

tl;dr I have social anxiety and depression. Parents won't let me smoke. I may kill myself in the next few years. Tress makes me feel normal and makes life NOT SUCK.