Mmpfh. [pic]

rask · 1 year

The day of the Snow Leopard Signal wasn't supposed to come for another 3 weeks, but things had changed. The circumstances around the crime were fluid, but we all knew that from the beginning. To be honest, the date of August 12th was predicted pretty arbitrarily, and included a "month give-or-take clause", which I think is pretty self-explanatory.

The crime was Murder One. The plan? Well we didn't know. All we knew is that we were being paid a lot of money to frame someone, and that it was supposed to be cake. It was.

Bradley and myself were in a bar in San Antonio when we actually received the go-ahead from Mr. Sambrosa, which is a fake name of course. He described to us the sign (which was supposed to be a painting) as "masterful, magnificent, and Mmpfh." When we saw the actual framing of it on the wall of the bar, we wasted no time on agreeing that we had found what we came to look for.

Rubin was part of the plan all along, although to this day no one knows it (except Mr. Sambrosa of course). We shot those people in that bar, and still have no idea why they wanted to pin this triple murder on some black boxer from two towns over.

The problem was this: we had a criminal record. We were threatened with a very long jail sentence, and we both caved, more quickly than you might imagine, I admit. I (Bello), and my partner (Bradley), couldn't go back to jail after what happened last time. Had I actually been sentenced I'm certain I would have committed suicide. Although the better man went down, Rubin; please take solace in the fact that it saved my life, though you may not think I deserve it.

He was so calm and collected, Rubin. Every time I saw him speak it was eloquently and with direction. He was just a poor oppressed African American just trying to survive, and if I could have realized that so long ago, I promise you I would have acted differently, Rubin.

Rubin Carter was falsely tried. So many crooked people testified.

When we saw the picture of that Snow Leopard, we knew what we had to do, and we did it. Looking back I would have backed out of that deal before it was even presented to me and never looked back.

I'm sorry, Rubin. You're an innocent man in a living Hell.

-Bello

drbeer · 1 year

It wasn't actually the photograph that Jack was upset about (this happens to Jack all the time), it was the man who was handing it to him, who's name is John Eisbock. But we'll get to that a little later.

It was last Wednesday when we first got signs that Jack Nicholson, our next door neighbor, and his mistress were having troubles. We saw her walk into his house, skirt as short as her temper, yelling and screaming about something indiscernible to us (our booster kit was out of order). It was only later that we came to understand her true identity: a red-headed Russian spy.

How it turned out was this: The red-headed Russian spy, who's name we believe to be "Sofia", was a sly little bird capable of about any con she put her mind to. She pulled a good one on ol' Jack, and she may or may not have paid the price.

Back a few hours, we heard shouts coming from over the wooden fence, shouts that could only be made by a woman in distress. It was my wife's idea, at this point, to get out the telescope and see what's going on. It worked for a few minutes, but the woman we believe to be "Sofia" caught a glimpse of the glare off of the camera lens, and that was that.

Then it occurred to me that she wasn't mad at him, he was mad at her. Did I mention that Jack speaks Russian? There was some mention of a man named "Skolnovich", sexual innuendos, and indications of drug use. If I'm correct in my observations, and I'm pretty sure that I am, Jack is upset with her for going behind his back .

Let's fast forward a few hours into the future, where John Eisbock stood in line at the nearest Xerox center, waiting to get his copy of Heath Ledger's Joker picture. He didn't want to hurt Jack Nicholson, he stated, he wanted to "crush him". He saw his opportunity to take a very degrading picture of Jack, and post it on his favorite forums.

It was when he actually walked up to Jack that he understood the extent of what he was doing. He told us later that he regretted it before he’d even begun, but carried on anyway. Gretta and I have decided that he probably meant less harm than he actually did, but the damage was done.

Jack wasn’t upset. He wasn’t disappointed. He was irate. As his neighbor I’ve kept an eye on him for quite awhile, but I’ve never seen anything like this. He spoke very quietly and very directly, and when he was done, John darted. Bee-lined straight to his car, I’ll tell you that right now.

Jack hunts John. Jack shoots John. John falls down. Fall, John, Fall.

opie2 · 1 year

Everything was going terribly the day that George the Scorpion finally found true love. He had awoken that morning hungry as usual only to find that there was no food in the entire basement. He had feasted earlier in the week when he stumbled upon a spiderweb in the northeast corner near the water heater, but had hunted until food was scarce.

The fact that there was no food to be found was only superseded by the fact that he was tired. He hadn't been sleeping well lately, and wasn't quite sure why, but it sure slowed him down. Alas, much to his dismay he decided that the only way to find food would be to hunt outside.

After scurrying around the storage boxes and through the air conditioning vents, he was out of the house and into the thick forest of grass that seemed so vast that it encompassed his whole world.

Food, he thought. I must have food. After what seemed like hours of searching he had only found one ant carcass to snack on (and ant carcasses were not his favorite).

It was then that Henrietta caught his eye. At the time he didn't know it was Henrietta, all he saw was movement. But it was well enough to keep his attention. Thinking that he may have hit the jackpot and caught a mouse or baby squirrel, he rushed towards the movement as fast as he could.

Henrietta was caught off guard as George the Scorpion charged at her, and she immediately raised her venomous stinger in an attempt to scare away whatever was coming at her; and if need be, kill it.

It was then that their eyes met. All 18 of them, locked in heated ecstasy. George had never felt this feeling before. If was only after several long minutes that George noticed that Henrietta had in fact hit the jackpot; there was a full grown squirrel laying in front of her, and it's blood dripping from her mouth. But George wasn't hungry anymore, not for the squirrel at least. He hungered for Henrietta, and Henrietta hungered for him.

For the next several hours they spent the day eating the squirrel, gallivanting around the lawn, and watching the clouds. Only when the stars came out did they finally feel each other's warm embrace and make love for the first time.

George awoke to Henrietta's breath on the nape of his neck, it would be a good day for them both. He had planted his seed, and she would be glad to have his offspring. It was a match made in heaven. That is until the babies were born.

Suddenly nothing George did for Henrietta was good enough. She would nag at him about the smallest of things, such as not saving the legs of flies for her, or bringing her dead insects instead of live, injured ones. George became miserable, yet was defeated by her constant bitchiness. This is not the same Henrietta the Scorpion he had met in the lawn that day, this one was awful.

George knew what he had to do. He loved those offspring more than anything in the world...

It was on the night of Thursday, September 9th, that he made his move. He had been saving a mouse carcass to feed her that night so that she'd be fast asleep when he arrived. Quickly he gathered the children on his back, doing his best to be as gentle as possible. As fast as he could, he scurried through the lawn, trying to find the air duct that he could use to get back into the house.

Eventually he found it, but not before Henrietta. She was there, waiting for him, pissed as all hell. With the babies on his back, George was helpless. He knew this would be the end for him. He watched as she gracefully circled him, stinger prepared. And when she finally darted at him he closed his eyes and prepared for her sting.

SPLAT.

Several seconds later he opened his eyes to see a giant beige limb wearing a piece of leather with laces on it standing right in front of him. Henrietta was nowhere to be seen. Until the human moved of course. There wasn't much left of her. In fact she would have been unidentifiable had George not seen her standing right in front of him.

George wasted no time in securing his home in the basement, where he decided to find the giant beige limb and thank it for saving his life. So he headed upstairs, where he saw it next to the big brown chair he'd often hid under as a smaller scorpion. As he walked up to the beige limb to thank it, it became startled. The next thing he knew there was a bright flash and a clicking sound. He tried to explain that he was only trying to thank it for what it had done, but to no avail. Everyone had left the room hurriedly after the clicking and flashing.

So George the Scorpion headed back downstairs, babies still on board, and nestled himself into the corner. Good night Henrietta, he gently whispered. He quietly wept himself to sleep, though he knew it was all for the better. Everything would be fine, that he knew for sure. Now all that was left to do was sleep.

cranktheguy · 1 year

Han Tsu was in the bathroom brushing his teeth when the sudden realization came to him.

I'm working at a cookie factory, when I have a graphic design major, what the fuck am I doing?

He shook it off, it was just another one of the many doubtful thoughts that plagued him throughout the day. Today was just another day at work, another day to pay the rent so that he could enjoy the 2 days he felt he deserved to be able to enjoy.

But he didn't enjoy them. Not when 71% of his days were spent being miserable.

And they never seem to last long enough, he thought, although since no enjoyment was being derived for them he wondered why he'd ever think that.

He caught the C-Train to downtown Akron, and caught his bag in the revolving doors, as he did from time to time. He contemplated how symbolic little things could be of his own life, but then remembered how much he hated those doors, and wished he could replace them with a God damn doorknob. How complicated can it be to use a God damn doorknob?

He took the elevator to the 14th floor, as he did everyday, and stopped for a bag of Cheez-Its at the vending machine, as he did everyday. He'd just eaten a bagel, but knew that between 10:35-10:45 AM he'd need a snack to tide him over until lunch.

Herbert, the office custodian, greeted him, as he did whenever they passed. Han liked Herbert, but was afraid of becoming too close with a janitor. Why shouldn't we be able to hang out?

But he knew it just wouldn't happen.

It was then that Han sat at his desk, with a list of assignments only about as thick as a paperclip. He fiddled through them, like he often did, and decided the order in which he would do them.

Birthday Greetings for "Over the Hill" birthday cake customers
Fortune Cookie Sayings
Golf related ideas for a "Hole in One" bundt-style cake

Fortune Cookie sayings were always there. They never ran out of demand for fortune cookie sayings.

And today, he was feeling good. Before he'd slept the night before he'd come up with some great fortune cookie ideas:

An inevitable destiny will await you. Lucky Numbers: 44, 14, 25, 47, 31 (He had wanted to use in the near future at the end of that one, but understood the rules for writing fortune cookies specifically state that you must not use the idea of "future". It was an effort at simplicity.)
The words "try harder" will present an opportunity to you. Make sure you take it. Lucky Numbers: 12, 16, 41, 50, 32
You cannot escape fate. You must only do the best with what you have. Lucky Numbers: 11, 8, 42, 4, 37

Han typed these out very quickly, he was a very quick typist. As his mouse hovered over the "Send E-Mail" button, an idea came over him.

Quickly he deleted everything he'd just typed, and after the words "I quit." (and moreover a long e-mail to his short-tempered boss) he wrote 8 simple words:

Every exit is an entrance into new experiences.

gvoakes · 1 year

...it was at this point where Sparky noticed the water. He'd always been curious, but today would be different. He could feel it with every bone in his little canine body.

Earlier that day, Susan, his owner, had decided that today would be a great day for a walk, but knew that she had many errands to run before such a walk could be had. Knowing Sparky's love of "go-for-ride-in-the-car", she invited the dog into her recently purchased Subaru and headed to her small town's Farmer's Market to buy sweet corn, radishes, and hopefully pick up some fresh garlic.

Susan arrived at the Farmer's Market only to discover that her favorite stand had to pack up and leave early, leaving her to roam around other food stands in order to fulfill her grocery list. It being a hot day, and due to the fact that she'd forgotten the leash, she decided to leave the windows down for Sparky.

As soon as Susan was out of sight, Sparky began to get worried. "Go-for-ride-in-the-car" had suddenly become quite the lonely venture for this sad little pup. Nervously, Sparky leaped out of the open window, only to spot a small mouse being harassed by a much larger, gluttonous cat.

Sparky, having no hard feelings against mice, but instinctively hating the fat cat, dashed over to rescue the mouse, whom he later learned was named Aethyr (while the fat cat was name Fellonious). Sparky barked and yelled at Fellonious to get him to stop torturing poor Aethyr. Eventually Fellonious gave up, and ran down into the nearest hiding spot, which happened to be under one of the Farmer's Market vendor's stands.

It was at this point that Aethyr and Sparky began to strike up a conversation about the current state of affairs and the status quo between each of different species of animals. It was decided that Sparky, if not dogs all over the world, should be allied with the poor mice in an attempt to confuse and strike fear into the hearts of cats everywhere.

"It will be a great victory for all" said Aethyr.

"I'll agree with you there, Aethyr. You should call your other mice friends and we'll launch a full frontal attack against all of feline-kind."

"Then it shall be so, Sparky. Your name is so simplistic, and not suitable at all for an animal of your nobility. From here on out you shall be called--"

WHAM!!

From out of nowhere Fellonious, along with several other mean, greedy, and ugly cats, attacked from all sides. Suddenly Aethyr and Sparky were surrounded by cats of all sizes and colors. There was a thick, astringent feeling in the air. This feeling was somewhere between nervousness, hatred, and fear.

"Gotcha." hissed Fellonious, with the taste of victory heavy on his breath. "I understand that the two of you have been plotting against our kind for quite some time now, and I think that that should come to end.... right.... now..."

Instantly all of the cats pounced upon their newfound prey, when suddenly a large battle cry was heard: CHAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

MICE. EVERYWHERE.

It was complete and utter chaos as the mice and cats fought. The mice trying as hard as they could to nibble and bite and claw. Fellonious and the Cats, of course, had the advantage, but their incessant need to toy with the mice before they killed them proved to be quite the tool for young Sparky.

It was then Sparky realized that while these cats toyed with their prey, he could make his move. One after another he shook the cats off of the mice and threw them to the side. Those that survived were so taken back by the event that they fled immediately.

Eventually Sparky looked over to see a mortally wounded Aethyr, struggling to breathe.

"NO! This can't be! You can't die Aethyr, we're on the brink of victory!" said Sparky.

"...please... finish the battle without me... there's no hope for my survival, only for the survival of mice and dogs everywhere. Cherish our alliance, for it is stronger than you and I ever can be..."

With that, Aethyr took his last dying breath, and passed quietly and peacefully.

That was it. Sparky was heartbroken. But more importantly, he was pissed.

It was down to just him and Fellonious. Before he could think Fellonious was on top of him, clawing and biting. But it wasn't Sparky's time, and he knew that. He fought back with every ounce of courage he had, until they were both brutally injured on the end of a pier.

With one last ounce of evil, Fellonious attacked Sparky and knocked him into the water. But alas, Sparky got one incisor into the evil cat and drug him with him underwater....

After the brutal underwater fight was over with, only one animal returned. It was then that Sparky felt the hand of a pantless man in a light blue shirt pick him up.

It was over. It was finally over.

Susan was there, keeping him warm, and Fellonious was dead.

But Sparky wouldn't forget. He wouldn't forget about Fellonious and the cats, he wouldn't forget about the brutal battle that had taken place there, and most importantly he wouldn't forget about Aethyr and the priceless bond that they had formed...

...he would have his revenge.

FictionalBackstory

TROPHY CASE

FictionalBackstory

TROPHY CASE

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