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Fiancee upset that I have been browsing gonewild (self.sex)

submitted ago* by [deleted]

I am 25, my fiancee 27. My fiancee came home last night and was browsing Reddit on my computer and saw that the color of all the gonewild links was purple and that I had looked at them. She became upset and said it hurts her that I look at them because she thinks that means she is not good enough to look at. I think the fact that it is ameteurs makes her more upset because its more "real".

She says she wouldnt mind as much if we looked at them together, but I think she is just saying that. I really only like the ones with solo girls and I dont know if that would do anything for her or be wierd since she is female too. I dont want her to have to pretend to like them and be uncomfortable just for me.

We have sex 2-3 times a week, but she would prefer it every day. Im happy with a couple times a week. I bought her a couple of very nice sex toys(lelo, Hitachi magic wand) to satisfy her when im not feeling up to it, but she never uses them. Im not masterbating to gonewild, but I think she is upset im directing my sexual interest and energy there instead of giving it to her as much as I can. I cant help it though, gonewild really turns me on due to the "new" factor.

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[–]NekoLaw 37 points38 points ago

I hate to say this, but I think this could become a pretty ugly issue in your upcoming marriage if you two don't address the issue of your unequal sex drives. It happened to me in my first marriage (I wanted sex more than him, he had emotional issues around sex that prevented intimacy. He acknowledge the issues, but refused to address them and we eventually divorced).

In your situation, the red flags for me are:

  1. You two have mismatched sex drives at a fairly young age.

  2. You gave her sex toys thinking it would be a fair substitute for being intimate together.

  3. You admit you have sexual desire, but you prefer to direct it to the "new" girls on gonewild.

If I were your fiancee, I'd be putting the brakes on a wedding right now. The two of you need to get this situation under control before you get married, because it can spiral into a big mess pretty damn fast.

My guess is that for you, the pics of the girls are arousing but not threatening. Whereas sex with your partner carries the burden of emotional intimacy as well as physical contact. The emotional intimacy may be something you have issues with - that's where I'd start examining the situation.

[–]redheadbbw 8 points9 points ago*

Everything she said. To the OP I was your fiance, but in my case I ended up being your wife. As my drive and desire for sex grew (bc this is the case w/ women) his weakened. We were not compatible and never should have married. I knew it but over looked it, hoping...idk, something would change. I started feeling just like she did. Dont spend 1 ounce of sexual energy on anything other then me. Bc if you cant keep up w/ me you dont need to be looking at porn, gonewild, etc. I started seeking attention outside my marriage, no I never cheated, but I got damn close. Finally I realized I had to end it. And after 11 years together (7 married) we are now divorcing.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Midwest_Product 11 points12 points ago

You've left out a key part with your role-reversal, though. If a guy wanted sex every day, but his girlfriend refused much of the time, would it really be totally okay for her to be routinely looking at porn while turning him down?

[–]ssnakeggirl 14 points15 points ago

No one is saying "suck it up." We are all saying "this situation doesn't seem to be working, and getting married isn't going to make it better, so you should find a way to fix it sooner rather than later."

Which is exactly what would be said to a woman.

[–]NekoLaw 8 points9 points ago

To the OP - I'm not telling you to "suck it up," nor do I think there is a double standard because you're male. I'm only trying to tell you honestly (from a female perspective) what happened to my marriage when I was in a similar situation.

Please understand that in a relationship where sex has become an issue, the partner with the lower sex drive is the one who controls all sexual activity. In your case, that's you. So you've got a (monogamous) fiancee who is craving sexual companionship, is denied that on a regular basis and is handed a toy and told to take care of it herself. To top it off, she comes home and finds you browsing pics of naked women. If you put yourself in her shoes, can you see how both confusing and demoralizing that is?

I get the sense that you may have posted here (under your regular redditor name) in the hopes that you would get some "hell, yeah porn is normal" support so you could show your fiancee how wrong she is. And, in a healthy relationship, porn is normal. But I don't think what you've described is a healthy relationship. And until the two of you address this issue in a mutually beneficial way, the chasm between you is only going to grow.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]NekoLaw 6 points7 points ago

You keep repeating the "what" but never address the "why." The answers to your issues are in the why.

Sure, 2-3 time a week is normal for some couples. Your SO wants more, but you want less. WHY do you want less (conversely, why does she want more. Have you asked her what she likes about it)?

You're not masturbating to gonewild. Fine. But you're looking at it instead of being intimate with your fiancee. WHY do you prefer it over her at times?

She said she'd like to look at the porn with you, but you said that would make you uncomfortable. WHY would you not want to share that with her?

Once you start answering the whys, then you might start getting to the root of the your issues with sex and intimacy. But if you just keep repeating a laundry list of complaints and comparisons, then the two of you are going to keep having the same problem.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

First off: there is no such thing as "normal sex drive." This point needs to be made very clear. Some couples are okay with having sex once a week, some are okay having sex once a month, and some are okay having sex 2-3 times a week.

The problem is when there is a sex-drive mismatch. You want sex 2 or 3 times a week, she wants it more. That's a mismatch.

Healthy relationships are built on compatibility and compromise: this house already has a rocky foundation because of this sexual compatibility mismatch.

Any other day of the week, I would say you can work to fix this sexual mismatch. But the issue isn't you and your fiancee. The issue is *you*.

I can't tell if you suffer from porn addiction, or if you have serious intimacy issues. If this is something you really want to fix (if you want to save this marriage) you need to sit down with a counselor.

I prefer gw over her sometimes because it is simple and easy and I am aroused by normal looking girls exposing thrmselves. I think my fiancee is VERY attractive, moreso than most girls on gw, but the varity is exciting to me, along with them being "bad."

You only have the libido to have sex with her 2 or 3 times a week, but porn is new and exciting. This opens up a number of possibilities:

  • porn addiction
  • intimacy issues
  • maybe you just aren't into her, and you need to go have sex with other people
  • low sex drive

I'm not sold on the last two bullets, but it's a possibility. There is probably an overlap with porn addiction and intimacy issues, and your situation sounds like it fits typical porn addiction.

Here is what I find concerning about your situation. You seem to have a total disregard for her feelings. Obviously GoneWild upsets her, and you acknowledge this could be the result of GoneWild being "amateur" and featuring "real girls." Why don't you browse your porn more privately? Why don't you respect her wishes and stop going to GoneWild?

You don't want to talk to her or try looking at GoneWild with her. You're finding ways to blame her. These are ALL blaming statements:

It is a lot of work to pleasure her fully and I never halfass it, she always cums first.

.

I would like to share it with her but I cannot tell if she really wants to look at it and is aroused by it, or if she just pretends to like it.

.

I do know for a fact (and she admits) she has severe insecurity issues.

.

Is 2-3 times a week not normal? It's not like we are only getting it on once a month like a lot of married people.

.

As I said before, im not masterbating to gonewild in front of her or anything, I just look.

.

If the roles were reversed and I was a girl saying I only wanted sex 2-3 times per week, and my bf wanted it daily, you wouldnt tell me to suck it up and to pleasure him daily, or that my marrige was going to fail because he wanted sex more.

These are ALL blaming statements and seem to indicate that you don't understand the situation or your fiancee's feelings. That's not a good thing. In fact, it is very alarming. Your first, no-brainer thought should have been: "I better cut this GoneWild stuff out for now."

Go get therapy for yourself and then talk to your counselor about bringing your fiancee in.

You can continue to ignore all the advice in this thread. You should know that divorce is expensive and an emotional process.

[–]GlitterFox -1 points0 points ago

It is a lot of work to pleasure her fully and I never halfass it, she always cums first. She wants it more because she says it is awesome and cant get enough.

Maybe let her pleasure you for a change?

[–]sexyfuntimes 3 points4 points ago

It doesn't matter what normal is, what matters is that she wants it more often than you do. Of course you think it's a perfectly reasonable amount of sex to have, because it satisfies all your sexual needs!

You know what it's like when you haven't had sex in a week and you're all frustrated and horny and ready to jump her the moment you see her? Imagine if you felt like that every day, even the day after you had sex. Then you come home and your fiancee closes the porn she was looking at and hands you a sex toy, saying that you should be happy you're getting it more than once a month.

[–]Katwhoa 0 points1 point ago

If by 'normal' you mean 'average', I would say yes (very subjective answer btw). But the answer really depends on the sexual characteristics of the couple (i.e. what kind of libido you both have),and therefore the question really becomes 'is it normal for you two?' now THAT is the question!

ps: although 2,3 times a week might feel 'normal' to you, this might not be enough for her. Girl here, and personally I would have no problems with my bf looking at gonewild pics...I do it more than him LOL. It's human nature to look and check people out. Doesn't mean you don't love her. Sounds like she doesn't like it due to her own insecurities (is she comfortable with her body? does she have low self-esteem?)

Either way, respect her feelings, but she shoudl respect yours as well. Explain what kind of porn you like and maybe she might like it too! Also clarify that it's not because she isn't good enough, that you simply like the novelty.

[–]suninabox -2 points-1 points ago

Is 2-3 times a week not normal? It's not like we are only getting it on once a month like a lot of married people. I think that is a perfectly normal and reasonable amount.

why the FUCK do you think normal has anything to do with it.

If you're not normal you're not allowed to have a seuxally satisfying relationship?

Who cares if its normal to fuck once a year or once an hour. Normal does not matter. What matters is what works for both partners of a relationship, and currently its not working for your GF.

You're fine watching porn and having sex 2-3 times a week. Your GF ain't. Just because you're happy doesn't mean nothing should change. A relationship is about more than one persons happiness.

It's crazy you're even planning to get married with such a self centred attitude.

There's nothing wrong with wanting sex 2-3 times a week, or once a day. There is something wrong with a relationship where one person is sexually unsatisfied and not allowed to get sex elsewhere. Since your GF isn't a rapist that means its her who is unsatisfied.

It wouldn't be right for you to just "suck it up" and sex her when you don't want to, but its not right for her to just "suck it up" and go without the sex she craves.

As I said before, im not masterbating to gonewild in front of her or anything, I just look. I beat it like once a month and I dont think there is anything wrong with that.

It's not about you. It's about the fact your GF is sexually unhappy and you don't seem to give a fuck about that. You only seem to care about justifying the status quo because you're not doing "anything wrong" and its "normal".

If its normal to be in a relationship with someone who is chronically unsatisfied with the sexual dynamic, then you shouldn't want to fucking be normal.

[–]jaynap1 0 points1 point ago

It's true. It's also biological. Men and women hit their sexual peaks at different times. I definitely don't want to have sex as much now as I did at 18 or at 24. I'm 32, and while I still enjoy sex and have it a couple of times a week, it's not a priority like it was a few years ago. Women, on the other hand, want sex more as they get older. Why? Well, I'll let Louis CK handle this one:

Sex is really trying to get somewhere, it’s trying to have a family. You don’t really wanna know that because we’ve separated those two things, but the entire reason sex exists is to have babies. That the only reason it exists at all, but we’re such a narcissistic species that we’ve separated it…We just want to spray jizz everywhere just for no reason. It’s just a weird kind of behavior. ‘Cause that urge is the urge to procreate. A horny teenage boy is thinking, “I want a baby. Oh yeah! Oh dude! Oh, look at her tits. I want her to feed my little baby with her big tits.” That’s what that is. But we make it this separate thing. Animals must think we’re idiots. Animals that watch us have sex must be like “They don’t know what they’re…He’s coming on her tits, he’s a moron, this guy.” It just looks stupid to them.

She wants sex more because the biological clock is telling her that time is running out to have a baby. Not quickly, not in the near future, but time is ticking away. You're wired differently, that's not your fault.

All of that said, this is a significant problem for a relationship and you need to learn how to communicate more directly with her. Honesty is rarely comfortable with people - as a society we learn to hide what we view as our faults, failures, and things that are inconsistent with what society, friends, family, and partners want. Why do you think Fight Club was such a hit? It was about a guy that did what the fuck he wanted. We want that, but most don't take the steps to do it.

Good luck in fixing the problem.

[–]redheadbbw 1 point2 points ago

I think that 2 people who are miss-matched sexually will be unhappy in the long run. No matter the orientation of the partners. One of my closest couple friends, the woman hardly ever wants sex. And I tell her all the time that she needs to try to make love to him more. Or atleast give a little when it comes to oral or new positions. Otherwise he will start looking elsewhere.... which he is :( I keep telling him if hes not happy please dont cheat, cheating wont fix anything...

[–]wet_me 2 points3 points ago

I know this is a bit off-topic, but how important are matching sex drives for a longterm relationship? I'm with my BF for 5 years and I've always wanted more sex but lately it's gotten worse. He did not want to sleep with me for a long time now (I think 4 months). I know he loves me, he just doesn't want to have sex (with anybody, I believe). It's really driving me insane (and I've tryind everything from talking to seduction to waiting for his move) and I start to think that's just the way it is going to be. So is our relationship 'doomed'?

TL;DR: BF and I have mismatching sex drives and it does not seem to change. Do we have a chance?

[–]ssnakeggirl 1 point2 points ago

You have three options right now. You can leave things the way they are (which means you probably wont have very much sex, and you probably wont have sex for a pretty long time), you can try to change things (in which case you may have sex more often), or you can leave. The way you are talking about it now is not working. Trying to seduce him is not working. Waiting for him to make a move is not working. Unless you can find a way to talk differently - more directly maybe? - then no, it is not going to work.

[–]wet_me 0 points1 point ago

Thank you. I really appreciate it.

[–]redheadbbw 0 points1 point ago

Honestly my exhusband and I would go 3 months between bc he never wanted sex, and I overlooked it, bc we were dating and I was in love. But when the IN LOVE fades and its not new anymore and you just want to feel desired and sexy...it starts to effect you. I also did all the tips and tricks. I tried lingerie, vacations, everything, and many many many many, long tearful convos that never led us anywhere to back where we started.

[–]wet_me 1 point2 points ago

I can totally sympathisize. It's the way I feel now. I feel bad somehow that sex is important to me, but as you said it's also about feeling wanted. And I miss that.

[–]anonyc555 -1 points0 points ago

double true

[–]Loveeeeeeee 7 points8 points ago

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I totally get where she is coming from. My bf used to want sex 24/7 and I understand after 4 years it's going to calm down some, I'm not unrealistic. My thing is I caught him turning porn on while he was laying in bed and I was in the living room. I wasnt doing anything, who not just come bang me? He says he just likes to watch it sometimes, I don't understand what man would rather watch porn then get blown?

[–]AlwaysAlways 1 point2 points ago

My boyfriend is the same way sometimes. You're not alone :)

[–]Jerky_McFappington 0 points1 point ago

Any man who choses porn over the real thing is just not that into you.

[–]keylimesoda 4 points5 points ago*

I've spent my fair amount of time looking at porn solo--IMHO it doesn't really set you up well for relationship success.

For me, looking at porn solo reinforces a really powerful kind of selfish lust, which was the opposite of the mindset needed for a functional marriage (or really mind-blowing sex).

There's lots of big challenges in marriage. Hopefully you know yourself and your partner going well enough to know which challenges you're signing up for when you enter into the contract. Libido mismatch is one of the bigger potential issues, but it's certainly resolvable and it will definitely shift over time (pregnancy, kids, menopause, etc.)

[–]RandianHero 8 points9 points ago

Please your woman more, dude. Daily sex is not that big a chore. If you can find the time to beat off, you can find the time to give her a quickie.

[–]suninabox 4 points5 points ago

The guy says he only beats off once a month.

He's low sex drive, she's high sex drive.

The only way they can both be happy is if they break up and find people with more similar sex drives.

[–]RandianHero 3 points4 points ago

I somehow doubt she's going to be happy/satisfied with this guy, so you're probably right.

[–]AlwaysAlways 5 points6 points ago

I agree. If the OP is finding it easier to point his sexual attention toward pictures of other women then something is off. An effort needs to be made somewhere, either OP should make more of an effort to "spice things up" with his fiancee so that he doesn't get bored and seek out novelty on gonewild, or his fiancee needs to figure out if she can accept his need to look at other women.

Watching porn isn't a privilage for men (I've heard the arguement: "all men watch porn. Women need to deal with it"). Having a dick doesn't give you the right to look, but not touch. If your fiancee is offended by it, you guys need to figure out if you can work it out from there. Find out if she watches porn, if she doesn't then maybe it was just the shock of her seeing you get hard over another women that made her upset. A lot of girls I know consider it cheating for a guy to look at porn or go to a strip club.

[–]RandianHero 10 points11 points ago

Porn isn't actually a big deal, and some women do need to get over themselves and not take porn usage personally.

However, that doesn't give a man an excuse to neglect his woman. If she wants you to fuck her more, you pull down your frilly stockings and do your job before someone else does it for you.

[–]redheadbbw 1 point2 points ago

and do your job before someone else does it for you

HELLO!!!! High fives, and such. I <3 you.

[–]RandianHero -1 points0 points ago

It's amazing how no-brainer actions make you a novelty in this day and age...

[–]AlwaysAlways 2 points3 points ago

That's your opinion. Porn is a very big deal to some people. Our generation is so used to the fact that porn is available to anyone and everyone 24/7. To some it's hurtful and depressing to know that your SO feels the need to use it.

No one should ever, ever have to get over themselves for another person. If it betrays their trust, it's damaging to their perception of the relationship.

I repeat, never "get over" yourself if someone is doing something you feel is hurtful or disrespectful to you. I've had to learn this lesson myself :(

[–]RandianHero 4 points5 points ago

Yeah... no one should ever have to handle situations like an adult. It's totally okay to fall to pieces over trivial nonsense, because fuck having to act like a grownup.

[–]oneovercabin 2 points3 points ago

I don't think that's what AlwaysAlways was trying to say. A real sign of maturity is noticing that your actions can have an emotional effect on other people.

A woman or man expressing concern over their partner's use of porn doesn't mean they are being childish. Instead, they are being mature and verbalizing that because they personally feel hurt by this action because it feels like their partner doesn't find the pleasure they provide to be sufficient.

[–]AlwaysAlways -1 points0 points ago

Agreed.

[–]RandianHero -1 points0 points ago

To be hurt by that to begin with is a mark of emotional immaturity. An emotionally mature person has the coping skills to realize that people do things, but that these things are ultimately separate from them, and that internalizing what others do is neither healthy nor conducive to stable relationships with people.

[–]oneovercabin -1 points0 points ago

Those things aren't ultimately separate though. The guy is not having sex with his fiance because he wants to devote part of his sexual feelings towards images of other women. It's as if he is only considering his own sexual desires and needs and forgetting to consider the desires and needs of the person he is about to vow a lifetime of commitment to. This doesn't mean he is a bad person or anything, but these conflicts between sexual needs (him needing porn and her needing more sex) should have been resolved before wedding rings were involved.

Sex isn't just about physical pleasure for many people. It can also be about emotional bonding and trust. When someone holds those strong views about sex, and then sees their partner looking elsewhere for pleasure, it can really feel emotionally confusing (you want your partner to be happy, but you get frustrated and feel like you are doing something wrong because you can't satisfy their needs).

I've heard of successful relationships that involve porn and those that prohibit it. The important thing is that both partners take the mature approach to the situation and discuss this topic BEFORE getting in a committed sexual relationship.

[–]RandianHero 1 point2 points ago

I agree to a point. But letting yourself be affected by the actions of another person, regardless of how close you are to that person, isn't an emotionally mature action. Failure to differentiate between yourself and others is a mark of personal insecurity, and often leads to co-dependent/possessive behaviors.

[–]AlwaysAlways -2 points-1 points ago

She said it hurts her....why are her feelings trivial?

Or is this the part where you say women are emotionally irrational creatures and our feelings don't matter half of the time?

[–]RandianHero 1 point2 points ago

It's not exclusive to women.

[–]AlwaysAlways -1 points0 points ago

If she has to grow up and get over it, then he should too. Grow up and stop cumming over your knuckles to pictures of girls pushing their boobs together in front of a mirror. Seems just as fucking trivial, if not more.

[–]RandianHero 4 points5 points ago

I already said he needs to man up and take care of his woman. By all means, beat off, but don't do it to the exclusion of your girl's needs.

[–]oneovercabin -1 points0 points ago

I wouldn't completely omit his feelings though. The OP needs to pay more attention to the sexual needs of his partner, but that doesn't mean his needs have to play second fiddle in the relationship. Plus, porn isn't like some evil thing that always harms relationships. Porn is obviously causing a problem in this particular situation, but some couples are fine with including it.

For example, I don't mind porn. I don't get it (seriously...why?!), but as long as I don't feel like porn is the primary focus of their sexuality, I don't care. On the other hand, my sister forbids it. To her, porn = cheating, because in a way, she feels like her partner is emotionally cheating on her and acting like a selfish lover, instead of like one half of a healthy sexual relationship.

[–]AlwaysAlways -2 points-1 points ago

I agreed with that, definitely.

[–]RedPens 0 points1 point ago

Why would you choose to be hurt or offended by someone else's actions? That's just ridiculous.

Sometimes, emotions are just plain irrational, and people do need to get over themselves.

[–]suninabox 2 points3 points ago

You're planning on marrying someone you haven't even resolved the porn issue with yet.

You are a crazy motherfucker.

She says she wouldnt mind as much if we looked at them together, but I think she is just saying that.

She most definitely is just saying that. DO NOT BITE if she offers, its a trap.

We have sex 2-3 times a week, but she would prefer it every day. Im happy with a couple times a week.

This is an issue.

Usually women who freak out about their SOs watching porn are just insecure idiots.

However if you're actually looking at porn instead of ploughing your GF, that is actually a reasonable reason to be insecure about it.

Even if you're not jerking it it still seems odd.

Indefinitely postpone your marriage until you have this sexual shit worked out, because its potentially a relationship ender, and its better for it to end in the next few months than a year after you're married.

[–]orangelego 1 point2 points ago

I think it depends on how she feels about porn. If she dislikes that too, it may be that she isn't comfortable with you looking at other women. However, it could be that she isn't comfortable with you looking at women who you are able to contact (through their comments or private messages.)

Think about whether or not you are happy to stop looking at gonewild, and speak to your fiancee and see if you can reach an agreement you both approve of. Communication and compromise will be essential when making the best decision for you both.

[–]christopera 0 points1 point ago

Anyone else upset his fiance isn't on gonewild?

Seriously man, just tell her the photos just make you hot for her. That's what gonewild does for me towards my g/f.

[–]rocketmanatee 0 points1 point ago

I'll start with, you have a right to look at porn. May I suggest you do it in a Google Chrome 'incognito' window from now on?

The more important thing to address is the unequal sex drives. Perhaps on day you're not feeling like sex you'd be willing to get her off another way? This is the agreement we've come to in my relationship. My fiance will pretty much always help me masturbate before bed and vice versa.

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