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I keep catching my SO with porn, am I wrong to be upset? (self.relationships)

submitted ago* by ConfusedRightNow1

We've been engaged for just over 2 months now, and had been dating for over a year before I popped the question.

Went over to her place tonight to spend the day together, we had a nice meal and then started to watch a movie on her laptop. I open it up and bam, group BDSM porn is open from the night before. I immediately confront her about it because this is the fifth time I've caught her and each time we have the same talk. I feel like it's emotional cheating and it's wrong. She doesn't see it that way at all and I can't change her mind. So I left and am now at home asking you guys for help.

Other info:

We have been having sex for a while now, she always is satisfied and so am I.

I was a virgin before her, she was not.

I do not look at porn, nor do I frequently masturbate when I'm alone.

We also had been in a huge fight last week, she came to me yesterday and said that she wanted to go without sex of any kind for a month, just to see if she can do it. She's afraid she is addicted. The very next day this happens.

Just looking for advice on what to do and how to handle this. I don't want to lose her and I hope she doesn't want to lose me.

Am I overreacting? Or is she not trying hard enough?

UPDATE: Looks like I'm in the wrong here, porn seems to be the normal thing to do and doesn't mean anything. I'm going back over to her place to apologize and hopefully we can save tonight from being ruined. Thank you everyone for helping to unshelter me, I knew I could come here for good advice.

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[–]Dax420 206 points207 points ago

God damn dude, yes you are over-reacting.

Watching porn is perfectly "normal", as is masturbating while in a relationship.

Being in a relationship does not give you exclusive rights to her orgasms.

You need to go apologize to her, because you're being a huge dick.

And just for the record emotional cheating would be if she went for lunch with some guy at work every day, talked to him on the phone every night but didn't fuck him. Watching porn is not emotional cheating.

I'm trying to be nice because you seem young and naive, but reading your post made me quite angry. You are being an incredibly controlling douche. Not cool man.

[–]ConfusedRightNow1[S] 28 points29 points ago

But her orgasms are mine! Just kidding, this is helping me out a lot. I don't want to be a doucher.

[–]Dax420 43 points44 points ago

I think you might want to apologize to her. Ask her if you can watch porn together? It might help "normalize" it for you.

[–]ConfusedRightNow1[S] 11 points12 points ago

I'm going to go back over once this wraps up and apologize. See if I can salvage tonight at least.

Don't think I'll ask to watch porn with her though. That's just too far for me right now.

[–]Dax420 19 points20 points ago

Fair enough. Perhaps you can tell her that you are not comfortable with it, but you don't want to tell her what she can and can't do, and ask that she be more discrete about it in the future out of consideration for your feelings?

That feels like a good compromise, to me at least.

[–]ConfusedRightNow1[S] 8 points9 points ago

Yea that sounds good to me. Maybe I should teach her how to close windows and use private browsing :P

[–]derfreiemensch 1 point2 points ago

Y U NO WATCH PORN WITH HER?

[–]ass_munch_reborn 26 points27 points ago

Am I wrong to be upset?

Short Answer: Yes

Long Answer: Yeeeessssss!

[–]Sleipnoir 40 points41 points ago

I think you're overreacting. She told you she isnt going to change her mind so why do you expect anything different? Either deal with it, or date someone else with the same hang up about porn.

The majority of people watch porn. Instead of dating one of those people and demanding that they change for you, you need to find one of the people in the minority who shares your view.

[–]natnat14 14 points15 points ago

Porn is completely normal. I'm a girl and I've had multiple male friends ask me if I consider porn cheating because their girlfriends do.

In my eyes, anything that's fantasy isn't cheating. Sure, I don't want to know if my boyfriend watches porn. But I assume he does and it's ok. In fact, he doesn't have a computer at the moment and figured out how to get porn on his phone!

When I saw that, I was like ........... and a little uncomfortable at first, but I thought it through and realized it's a lot better than actually having sex with someone else.

How you thought it was emotional cheating confuses me.. For me, emotional cheating is forming a friendship with someone of the opposite gender that has more-than-friendly feelings involved.

Honestly, I would ask her whats so appealing about porn for her. Maybe it's the BDSM. Also, I've heard that girls experience different kinds of orgasms on their own and with a partner.

[–]FacingFelicity 1 point2 points ago

Spot on.

[–]Dark1000 28 points29 points ago

My God, I never thought I would see this issue crop up from the male perspective. I'd add more to the discussion, but there's nothing left to say. Everyone else has already answered you to a sufficient degree.

[–]ConfusedRightNow1[S] 3 points4 points ago

Looks like I'm special.

[–]Woetren 0 points1 point ago

or she is...

[–]RIPterriers 0 points1 point ago

Nice.

[–]RizzoKgb 19 points20 points ago

What does her being satisfied have to do with her watching porn? These are two very different experiences. Why are you confronting her after you catch her? If you two have a difference of opinions on what is considered cheating you will not make it.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]ConfusedRightNow1[S] 0 points1 point ago

That's the thing, she's very open about her fantasies. We both enjoy each others, we are very complimentary when it comes to that. I'm pretty sure that if I can get her to come to screaming orgasms after we make love for hours I'm pretty sure I'm doing something right.

[–]SeanStock 0 points1 point ago

You're wrong.

[–]Woetren 0 points1 point ago

Sounds like a drag. Maybe she wants a quick fix with porn instead of having to go through an hour long marathon.

[–]thelampshade 19 points20 points ago

A 19-year-old guy who doesn't watch porn? Is this for real?

Not judging. Just wondering.

Also, note: I am a female in my early 20's who hates porn. I don't judge those who enjoy it, but just so you know...you're not the only one, OP.

[–]ConfusedRightNow1[S] 3 points4 points ago

Yes it's for real. Good to know we aren't alone >.<.

[–]shmacky 0 points1 point ago

You can add me to that list - theres plenty of us out there! I'm just not interested in it at all.

[–]fas2 1 point2 points ago

But he's the only male :)

Someone wanted to conduct a study about males who don't look at porn a while ago. Couldn't find any subjects. True story.

[–]tankerbell87 14 points15 points ago

You're overreacting. Some people just have "needs" more frequently. Shit I watch porn sometimes when my boyfriend's not home, and he watches it when I don't feel "in the mood". At least she's not going to someone else to satisfy her urges.

[–]ConfusedRightNow1[S] 1 point2 points ago

Yea when you put it that way I'm kinda glad she goes to porn lol. Starting to feel better about this.

[–]kb13733 7 points8 points ago

You should probably let her know that by real world definition that she is NOT ADDICTED TO SEX. If she was "addicted" she would be fucking every guy she met. Since she is not and sounds like me, she has a normal, healthy sex life with you and her porn.

[–]Tipharet 17 points18 points ago

I was a virgin before her, she was not.

Thats your problem, sex isnt normalized for you. She can watch porn and masturbate if she wants. So you guys are not having sex now because you have made such an issue about the porn she feels like a sex addict?

dude. please take some time to educate yourself.

[–]ConfusedRightNow1[S] -3 points-2 points ago

No, she's dated enough guys before me that she feels like she pressured me into having sex, and now she's addicted to the sex and not to me. Like our relationship is based off sex. She wanted to go a month to see if we could make it.

Thing is, sex doesn't seem like the main focus to me. We spend a ton of time just hanging out and talking about random shit, doing things we love together. I'm perfectly happy just being around her, and she tells me she is too.

[–]Noir_ 7 points8 points ago

Excuse me for perhaps inferring too much, but it sounds like you two have some pretty mismatched libidos. Frequency of an activity doesn't necessarily dictate that that is what the relationship is based off of. It's most likely not the main focus for her either, which is why she accepted the proposal, but I don't think you should necessarily withhold sex in fear that that is what the relationship will become based off of. Is she the one who's said she's addicted to sex or is that just something that you're attributing to her because she has a high libido?

[–]ConfusedRightNow1[S] 1 point2 points ago

I think you misunderstood what I wrote. We both love sexing each other as often as possible. She is just worried, based on her past relationships and lovers, that she is addicted to sex, not the relationship itself. She made the proposal, I accepted it.

[–]Noir_ 1 point2 points ago

Gotcha. Pardon my assumptions!

[–]iwantoutheadspacenow 15 points16 points ago

you're fiancee is a horny woman who wants sex and you're complaining? what the fuck is wrong with YOU. I haven't had sex in years, I could die when I go to sleep every night and I could only dream of finding a woman like yours. HAND HER OVER YOU SELFISH BASTARD.

[–]ConfusedRightNow1[S] 0 points1 point ago

Lol. Nope, she's mine. Hopefully forever.

[–]iwantoutheadspacenow 6 points7 points ago

shaking right hand fist in the air furiously promise meee

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points ago*

pop a question after 1 year? wonder why divorce rate is so HIGH..what was ththe rush?

[–]Vinay92 8 points9 points ago

They're 19.. think that explains things.

[–]Joywalking 7 points8 points ago

I don't think there's anything wrong with watching porn -- it doesn't signal a lack of commitment to the relationship, a lack of love or satisfaction, or anything other than an interest in watching porn. It is entirely separate from being in love and satisfied. It's more like saying she shouldn't need grilled cheese sandwiches or vibrators anymore because she's got you. Grilled cheese, vibrators, and porn can all be a fun part of life that a couple appreciates together or separately.

That said, I think it's a major relationship problem that she likes porn and you're not ok with it. That's a considerable difference of opinion.

[–]ConfusedRightNow1[S] -2 points-1 points ago

Do you think there's a way to get around it? This isn't the main issue in our relationship by far, but it is one that I don't know what to do with.

[–]RizzoKgb 4 points5 points ago

There is a main issue that you are not discussing?

[–]ConfusedRightNow1[S] 4 points5 points ago

The main issue is trust. She breaks a lot of promises over a lot of things. This one seems to be the most common.

[–]RizzoKgb 7 points8 points ago

Then you should be dealing with the larger trust and promise breaking issue, and not micro managing with porn.

[–]ConfusedRightNow1[S] 1 point2 points ago

The other issues are being dealt with, she has a therapist for her self-harm now and I'm being as supportive as I can. So are her friends and family.

[–]Rhode 4 points5 points ago

Self-harm, chronic lying, therapy... dude, these are major red flags. You guys do not need to be talking about marriage at all.

[–]underline2 0 points1 point ago

Promises are her way of placating you, and possibly herself. Have you ever sat down and talked about what you both need? No promises involved?

If not, you should. If yes, you're doing it wrong. Look up radical honesty and just talk. Make lists of what you both want/need if you have to. Figure out why you need what you do, and how to get it without stepping on each other.

[–]Joywalking 2 points3 points ago

Each individual's sexual urges manifest in kind of unique ways. What turns them on, what they like to do, what gets them in the mood -- this sort of stuff seems to be not particularly controllable. And so I figure that couples need to be good with the ways in which their partner's sexuality manifests in order to be long-term happy. If she's "breaking promises" over porn, I tend to see this as a case where you've been requiring her to not be herself, to not like what she likes, and asking more of her than you really should be.

You seem to imply that your sex life is pretty good, so it's not as if she just wants to watch porn and never have sex with you. Can you possibly see her interest in sex as part of why your relationship is worthwhile to you? I hear a lot of other guys complain that their girl just isn't interested and wish that she were more interested in porn or sexually-inciting activities. Any way you can come around to that sort of position and regard yourself as lucky for this? (Because it sort of sounds like she's starting to get ashamed about being sexual, and ... lordy, that ain't a good sign.)

[–]ConfusedRightNow1[S] 0 points1 point ago

Our sex life is amazing, we both get to indulge in our fantasies as much as we want, I just didn't see why she would need porn on the side. Turns out it's way more normal then I thought. I'm starting to realize that it shouldn't matter, it's pretty innocent and I'm still the one she comes to.

[–]Joywalking 1 point2 points ago

Hey, I figure that's what reddit is for -- finding out that the way I see the world isn't the only legit way to see it. If we helped, I'm glad.

[–]ConfusedRightNow1[S] 0 points1 point ago

Sometimes you just need an outsider's opinion. I've lived a pretty sheltered life, so I do have special opinions. Small town guy.

[–]jackiepanda 7 points8 points ago

One way to think about it is this: her sex drive is high. You're getting laid constantly. She is stoking the flames when you're not around. If you ask her to stop, her fire may go out and then you've really got an issue. Her masturbation habits are not negatively affecting your sex life. If you are satisfied, just be grateful.

I agree she should stop making promises she doesn't keep, but you should stop asking her not to do this if it Isn't affecting your relationship. If she was too busy watching porn to fuck you, I'd say ask her to scale back.

For me, masturbating does not make me want sex or my partner any less. It feels good.

[–]Joywalking 2 points3 points ago

Even "big city folk" can sometimes exist in communities that don't compare notes. There are things that "we don't talk about," or that seem so obvious that they don't need to be discussed -- until they suddenly come into conflict.

[–]bippodotta 7 points8 points ago

You keep catching her with porn? Once is catching her. More than once is her trying to show you something without telling you.

[–]ProtonBetaDecay 2 points3 points ago

Stop being such a pussy.

[–]hotcrossedpuns 7 points8 points ago

Not sure if you are a troll or if this is for real?

Why are so hung up on her watching porn?

[–]jintana 2 points3 points ago

Porn == normal; fantasy; best to be open about

Her lying or making an agreement that she immediately goes back on == bad

The fact that she disregards your feelings regardless of the topic == bad

The fact that you keep trying to get her to do something "your way" that she has no intention of doing == bad

[–]LibertyDaughter 1 point2 points ago

Why do you not like porn? What bothers you about it? Why does it bother you that she watches it?

[–]ConfusedRightNow1[S] 0 points1 point ago

Because it's seeing other people doing sexual things and to me it seems that people get pleasure out of that because they want to be in the scene.

[–]FormerlyEAbernathy 2 points3 points ago

People watch porn for a lot of different reasons. Usually it's a fantasy. Sometimes people need the visual stimulus and their SO isn't available. Other times they can't get off because of trauma and need something different to help them out (like in cases of PTSD, specifically with sexual abuse). And there are times when people want to get ideas for their own sex life.

What you think porn is for, and why people watch it, does not mean that extends to other people.

As to your point of porn being emotional cheating, because there is no give and take (no exchange of conversation/phone calls/emails) between herself and these actors I have a really hard time seeing how that could be construed as emotional cheating or cheating of any kind.

Please don't think of me as some advocate for pornography. I'm not. I don't tend to watch it because it doesn't do much for me. However, I do see that it has its uses and recognize that it can be an issue for some.

[–]Vinay92 -5 points-4 points ago

Let me ask you this.. if your girlfriend were to actually be raped tomorrow, do you think she would enjoy it?

[–]ConfusedRightNow1[S] 2 points3 points ago

You're an idiot.

[–]Vinay92 -1 points0 points ago

Please explain why.

[–]Lecard 0 points1 point ago

Oh I think I know these two people!

Here he is and here she is

They get into the weirdest arguments.

[–]joeymac101 2 points3 points ago

One night when you guys are getting all lovey dubby, ask to watch a porn together. You be amazed at how awesome it is to watch one with your partner.

[–]fearr 2 points3 points ago

Dude this is the opportunity of a life time. Your girlfriend seems to be in touch with her sexuality and her feelings about sex. Use this to your advantage to discuss all the dirty things you two want to do to each other. AND THEN GO DO THEM ALL.

Masturbating and watching porn are completely normal.

[–]sugarhoneybadger 2 points3 points ago

Unless you are willing to have a BDSM gangbang with her, then yes you are over-reacting.

[–]fas2 0 points1 point ago

Not sure if this will comfort him.

[–]austex_mike 2 points3 points ago

This is what most guys would do if they caught their girl watching porn.

[–]KeepingTrack[!] 1 point2 points ago

yeah you are overreacting. don't buy the Dr. Phil line.

[–]someninjaguy 0 points1 point ago

What you should probably learn from this experience is that your girl has a fantasy about BDSM. Better buy a ball gag to make it up to her

[–]ConfusedRightNow1[S] 0 points1 point ago

Lol it's been different types of porn each time. And as I've said before, we are very open with our fantasies. I know she likes BDSM, I enjoy giving it to her. That's not the issue.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points ago

Porn is normal. And if she's looking at group BDSM porn she'll probably want to try that sometime down the road herself. So, if you want a long-term relationship, be willing to possibly explore that with her.

We're all wired to be somewhat sexual, some more than others. We all end up having something (or many things) that turn us on. Monogamy is an artificial construct of the societies most of us live in. We're sexual animals and we like to look at our own species fucking.

[–]woohoo47 1 point2 points ago

And if she's looking at group BDSM porn she'll probably want to try that sometime down the road herself.

Um. No, I wouldn't make that assumption.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

Don't be shocked when it happens.

[–]vexleir 1 point2 points ago

I think Dax420's advice is solid, but to add to that, have you also considered that maybe the fact that you are "accidentally" finding this stuff may be her way of trying to drop a hint to you of stuff she might be interested in? A lot of woman are shy about bringing up their fetishes and desires and will instead leave hints so you can propose the idea to them. If you're not into it, that's fine.. you shouldn't be anymore expected to do something you don't want to then she should be... but blowing up at her is definitely NOT the way to approach her trying to communicate with you.

Of course I could be totally off and she just needs some lessons in how men hide their porn :)

[–]hughtankman 1 point2 points ago

Sweet jesus... we've found the one man on the planet who does not watch porn...

[–]fischestix -1 points0 points ago

Really? I had to read this again to make sure you were a dude..... your woman love hardcore porn... the problem is what?

[–]Weaselvoyager 0 points1 point ago

Porn is normal for most, now if they were not giving you any I would pissed.

[–]sidmeier 0 points1 point ago

If you're catching her so often, maybe she's trying to show it to you / show you something...

[–]TheNextMovement 0 points1 point ago

In the reverse shoes I would say the same thing.

If you expect monogamy out of her then the only orgasms of hers you really get control over or those she has with another person. Otherwise, you are not the lord of her body when it comes to masturbating to porn. You do not get to control what she does with it when she masturbates to make herself feel good.

Just like I'd say to a girl in your shoes. It's her body. You do not get to control the rate and frequency of her orgasms unless your monogamous and they're with another person. And you could get upset if you weren't having sex and she was choosing porn over you.

Need to know ages here though. Because it sounds like you guys are way too young to be engaged if you have this hang up.

[–]LNz 0 points1 point ago

I think you need to change your mindset about porn. I'm a female, and I watch porn whether I am in a relationship or not. It's not a sign that I am sexually unsatisfied with my partner; I just sometimes become horny. In fact, I usually masturbate more when I'm with someone who turns me on a lot.

When I watch porn, I don't really fantasize about the guys that are actually in the videos/pictures; I just use it as an aid to get off quicker. It's hard for me to masturbate without porn because I often get sidetracked and begin daydreaming or thinking about nonsexual things. Porn just helps to keep me focused on getting off.

[–]white-gold 0 points1 point ago

BDSM porn. I'm kinda jelly. But yeah, what probably 99% of everyone else says, nothing wrong with porn. Porn is fantasy, sometimes people are embarrassed about their fantasies so they explore them privately. Some they are only mentally curious about and don't want you to think that's what they want to actually happen.

[–]MyRideIsShadowfax 0 points1 point ago

I actually don't think you are overreacting at all. I know my boyfriend would be upset and worried if he caught me watching porn as I would be if I caught him; we just both agree not to watch it. I understand most people watch porn and its normal but if it is something that truly bothers you, she should be able to respect that and come up with a compromise rather than just having the same argument and over again. I hope you both can work everything out. Best of luck

[–]lem72 -2 points-1 points ago

Poor Girl, I hope she gets out of their quick!

[–]hockey33 -1 points0 points ago

No you are not a douchebag or wrong for feeling this way.

What is wrong is that you seem like you are on two different wave lengths about this, but are engaged. To be married. To each other.

You get upset about something, your partner does it anyway and leaves it out in the open. That's not cool, no matter what it is. You may not be able to change each other's minds, but you ought to come to some sort of agreement about it. Maybe she can watch porn but make sure it isn't on the screen on in the history? I don't know what will work for you, only you two can figure that out.

On top of that, she says she doesn't want to have sex for a month because she may be addicted. This is a red flag. If she truly feels this way, maybe she needs to go to therapy. Or maybe she just said that to make you feel better, and make you feel like she is "fixed".

Just because porn is the "normal" thing to do and "doesn't mean anything", it means something to you obviously. Listening to the opinion of highly biased strangers won't change how you truly feel. You have to come to terms with it, still, or not. It is okay to not be okay with porn. How you and your partner deal with it is a whole other story.

Obviously you both care about each other a lot, but getting married doesn't solve problems. It doesn't make it easier. You need to be honest with yourself, whether it means you are going to "get over it", come to a compromise, or end the relationship. All good relationships have humps to get over and this is simply one of those things.

Please, don't supress your feelings because something is considered normal. If you truly feel that you are being irrational, then the problem is partially within yourself, and honesty i the first step. The problem also lies in your partner as well. If she is too lazy or sloppy to cover her tracks to spare your feelings (if that's something you are okay with), then that is an issue of disrespect.

Oh, and I am a female. I watch porn. My dude watches porn. Sometimes we watch it together. When we watch it alone, we delete the browser history but if the other asks about it, we are honest and it usually turns into sex time havings. It is what works for us.

You ought to find what works for you both. I wish you both the best of luck in all of this. Relationships can be hard, but the best ones are worth it,

[–]ConfusedRightNow1[S] 0 points1 point ago

I'm the type who if my feelings get me in trouble, I'll shut them in as much as I can. I don't like confronting anyone about things or arguing on purpose. I didn't feel like I was being irrational either until I came on here and asked and got so many people for porn instead of against.

I don't think she means to hurt me with it, she is just a bit forgetful.

[–]hockey33 0 points1 point ago

Well try to find the honest answers within yourself. GL

[–]alliemarie -2 points-1 points ago

I honestly don't feel like your'e overreacting. You're not in the wrong. I'm a female and the type of person who commits fully in a relationship. They are the only person who I'm attracted to. The only one that I get off to. No questions asked. I have had quite a few boyfriends who have had a serious porn problem. Even though I did not want it to, it did cause strain in our relationship. With my previous porn addicted partners, I always felt like I was not good enough for them if they had to resort to getting themselves off to a girl that I couldn't even begin to compare to. It's more of a respect issue than anything.

That said, it definitely has become the norm for individuals to watch porn and even couples to watch it together. But if it makes you uncomfortable, then she should respect that.

[–]FormerlyEAbernathy 2 points3 points ago

I have to partially disagree with you here on one aspect, or two, of your post. While his opinion and his feelings should absolutely be respected, hers should be, too. Just because someone enjoys watching porn does not make them addicted. If your partners were actually addicted, that's one thing, but using that as a blanket term for anyone who watches porn/gets off to it, I think, is a mistake.

So to clarify: point one--they should respect each other and come to a compromise (and also communicate about why porn bothers him and why it doesn't bother her) and point two--not to use addict in an over generalized sense, as it seems to be in your post (though I could be mistaken, because I don't know you or your exes, but based on your word choice and tone, that is how it reads to me).

[–]alliemarie 0 points1 point ago

I feel you. And my exes were full on ADDICTED. It was a problem that they had wanted to stop, but couldn't. Its one thing if it is more casual and is not consuming ones time. It is another if it gets in the way of a sexual relationship. This is a topic where I don't quite see eye to eye with the general population on, so I'm pretty passionate about it. "Everybody does it" is absolutely no excuse for making your partner feel hurt or inadequate.

[–]misseff -3 points-2 points ago

UPDATE: Looks like I'm in the wrong here, porn seems to be the normal thing to do and doesn't mean anything. I'm going back over to her place to apologize and hopefully we can save tonight from being ruined. Thank you everyone for helping to unshelter me, I knew I could come here for good advice.

You saying this isn't going to permanently change how strongly you feel about it. You don't have to compromise what you feel and believe to be in a relationship with someone who hides things from you and breaks promises.

[–]ConfusedRightNow1[S] 1 point2 points ago

Maybe I'll get used to it over time. I hate fighting with her more then anything else. This doesn't feel like something worth fighting for, compromise seems to be the best bet right now.

[–]robotrock1382 0 points1 point ago

both of yall are goofy in the head

[–]getinthekitchen -4 points-3 points ago

It sounds like you both are very conservative Christians.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]xoNightshade -1 points0 points ago

Said "TwilightMagester"... But seriously, go troll somewhere else.

[–]misseff 2 points3 points ago

Said "TwilightMagester"

Made me spit diet coke on my laptop, thanks.

[–]ConfusedRightNow1[S] -3 points-2 points ago

I'm a pretty sensitive guy.

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