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I want to see fiance's phone records before the wedding, is this out of line? (self.relationships)

submitted ago* by myfiancesucks

I realize the title on its own may seem out of line. But we have a little bit of backstory to cover first. I am 20f, he is 26m, we have been dating for 10 months, and are supposed to be getting married in 9 days.

The backstory: Before we started dating he was in a relationship for about 3 years. He described it as boring, unfulfilling, and stated that he had spent about two years on and off trying to end it, before finally doing so 4 months before we started dating. He told me upfront that she came over to do her laundry and that was it. I said fine, can I be there when that happens? He said no. He didn't want to hurt her feelings. She kept calling him leaving crying voicemails etc. begging to see him etc. I told him this had to end and he must tell her we were together. He never did. She finally came to his condo one day when I was there alone and that is how she found out. She cried, and left. He claimed since they broke up they had seen eachother a couple times casually to meet up for lunch or something. Nothing physical, ever. He constantly brought up the idea of meeting up with her for coffee, lunch, whatever. I wasn't comfortable with it and he agreed and said okay. I'll just cut to the things he has done since then,

  1. sent her $500 to take a trip to her hometown without telling me
  2. randomly broke up with me one day and went straight to her apartment to get his vaccuum back, and let her take his dog to the dog park
  3. she came over one day after he had proposed to me and he kept inviting her in and trying to talk with her. (never, ever mentioned this entire encounter for 6 months until i found out. Despite me asking if she had said anything to him or talked to him after she met me)
  4. went through his computer history one day because I had a hunch, he had been going on her facebook every single day for months. not talking to her, just looking through all her pictures and posts.
  5. went to a concert here that I desperately tried to get tickets too but couldn't. and texted her to see if she was there and hung out with her. told me a few days later he "ran into her" the truth came out eventually. this is after he had promised he would not be seeing her.
  6. tells me she randomly showed up one day to return some of his property in october. I found out this morning looking for something in his phone that he lied again. he had known since 9 am that day, texted her 4 or 5 times that he wanted to talk and to call him. After promising he would let me know if they had any contact and definitely have me be there for face to face contact, he did not. He told me about two days later. He hung out with her for maybe 45 minutes chatting.
  7. I find out he was sleeping with her the entire time up until a few days before we started dating. Lied about it our whole relationship. (EDIT: the reason this was a problem is because he then refused to tell her we were together, and kept trying to remain friends (not just text once in a while friends, but go out to do things friends) with someone he was sleeping with a couple weeks before. Not cool in my book)

I am not one of those people who finds going through texts a big deal. I don't do it often, but he does not care if I do and he does to me too. We have an open policy on everything. That is how I found out some of the above. What I didn't find out through that, he admitted after I told him I wanted copies of his phone records.

In general, we have a great relationship. We are happy, things are easy, we have fun. We are both atheist, love music and travel and documentaries and our dogs. We both want to marry eachother and have kids and things are just pretty great. Our whole relationship he has brought me flowers and chocolate constantly. Takes care of me when I'm sick. Writes songs for me. Tells me I am sexy and beautiful over and over again every day. He cooks me special meals, he is very romantic and caring. I love him immensely.

After finding out a lot of those lies at one time, I moved out in september, broke up with him, and got my own apartment. I was in an extremely physically abusive relationship before I met him. I spent about two months where I couldn't leave my house because I was physically recovering. He was in jail for domestic violence with great bodily injury. Needless to say, he was a douche bag. After that relationship finally ended I tend to operate under the typical redditor's MO, dump him if he doesn't treat you right.

However over the next few months he really started to show me how much I meant to him and that he wanted to fix things. Since then, things have been amazing. He is everything I ever wanted. He moved in with me here, and I have been loving life. I am also 3 months pregnant. It was a surprise, but he was happy, and so was I. Our wedding is in 9 days.

My problem is this: since I found out this morning he had lied to me about that day she came over to return his property, it has re-ignited some old mistrustful feelings. I am pregnant and extremely hormonal and aware of this, but I asked to see his phone records before I promise my life to him. He immediately said no but maintains he has nothing to hide. I have offered up my phone records as well. I have no problem doing so. I feel justified in this because after he has decieved me time and time again, I would like to go into this marriage knowing cock sure that he has now been totally honest with me. If he has nothing to hide why is he so against this? His only reason has been, "This doesn't feel right..." I immediately replied with "Do you think it felt "right" when you lied to me for months on end?" I just want to put this to rest! I know I will be extremely happy marrying him, I just want to go into it with the absolute truth.

Am I out of line or is he? I have told him I will not marry him without this information after a heated debate erupted over this. Reddit, help!!

tl;dr: Brevity is not really my thing

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[–]milphey 312 points313 points ago

You are 20, dude is lying to you. This ends in divorce 100%.. Do not go through with this.

[–]myfiancesucks[S] 25 points26 points ago

You think (as do I) he still has plenty to hide? I didn't think this until he so adamantly refused the phone records.

[–][deleted] 180 points181 points ago

If you think he has something to hide, you shouldn't be marrying him.

No trust=no relationship.

However, I would adamantly refuse if my fiance' requested stuff that made it really apparent she didn't trust me. If she doesn't trust me, it means she shouldn't marry me, and if she doesn't trust me, it means I shouldn't be with her either. So both you and your fiance' have low expectations for yourselves.

Yeah, he's pretty slimy. So your instincts are telling you to run. But you've been brought up in a culture that prizes brides. You are about to be that prize! But the sad part of this story? The guy who won the prize is a total fucking dickbag!

Your instinctive response to these misgivings should not be to try and establish conditions whereby you treat him like a child, and in turn, he treats you like a parent he's trying to put one over on. It should be to break it the fuck off and go ahead with your bad self.

[–]WhereAreMyMinds 48 points49 points ago

No trust=no relationship

THIS. ONE THOUSAND TIMES THIS.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

Your instinctive response to these misgivings should not be to try and establish conditions whereby you treat him like a child, and in turn, he treats you like a parent he's trying to put one over on. It should be to break it the fuck off and go ahead with your bad self.

You should write a relationship advice blog.

[–]myfiancesucks[S] -5 points-4 points ago

Hahaha. Your last line is the first time I've laughed all day. However!! What if you really really wanted to marry this woman, but you had given her a reason not to trust you in the past? And you were trying everything in your heart's power to gain that trust back and marry her. Would you show her the records then?

[–]Books_4_LYFE 104 points105 points ago

You're making things more complicated than they are. You don't trust him. Bottom line. That is it. You don't trust, you don't get married. You don't trust, you don't be in a relationship. That's it. Stop making it more complicated than it is because you don't want to face the responsibility of doing what you know is right.

[–]smacksaw 8 points9 points ago

The only place "love" comes before "trust" is the dictionary.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

good one! and so true!

[–][deleted] 40 points41 points ago

No, because I think the mature, adult way to be in a relationship is to have trust. I wouldn't be getting married if I didn't have that.

Your question is kinda difficult to answer because to be honest I wouldn't have done that shit because I value honesty. The dude's a liar. You're marrying somebody you know to be a liar, and who you can't trust.

In short, though, in the context you presented, he doesn't want to marry you that bad if he won't do this. But on the other hand, it's a completely unreasonable request. You aren't allowed, really to make that kind of demand. But, the problem is, you don't see it as unreasonable. But it is.

A reasonable person (and this isn't an insult, it's just that you're 20 and you have a lot to learn still) would recognize their impulse to want to see his phone records as a manifestation of a much larger issue about trust. And that much larger issue about trust, they would understand, would not be resolved by seeing the phone records.

That's important for you to understand: it's almost 100% certain that even if you get to see the phone records and they show no evidence of wrongdoing, you will find something else to be suspicious of. Trust cannot be replaced by surveillance, and attempting to go down that road leads to unhappiness, divorce and anger.

So you can listen to us now (but you won't) and postpone the wedding until this trust issue is resolved, or you can get married, divorced, and eventually come back two or three years down the road asking for advice on how to deal with your ex, who is also your baby daddy, who cheated on you all through your marriage.

Sorry, bro.

[–]reason_able 49 points50 points ago

The fact that she's asking all the wrong questions here is making me think she's not being rational. She's concerned with looking at his phone records, not "how am I ever going to get to the point where I don't want to look at his phone records?" And she hasn't once mentioned, "how can I expect this guy to be a good father to my child?"

[–]CoomassieBlue 10 points11 points ago

Cannot agree with this enough. Granted, she is somewhat hormonal because of the pregnancy, but asking HOW she can get to the point of trusting him really should be the priority, not how to get him to agree to show her his phone records.

[–]myfiancesucks[S] 6 points7 points ago

Okay, yes, you wise son of a bitch. I agree with this as well. Perhaps that is the better question. Any sound worldly advice on how to do so? And trust, the good father, and trust questions have gone through my mind plenty. The only thing I can think of so far is counseling. Every week. No matter how good or bad things are. Sometimes he doesn't seem willing to do this because we went one time right after all of this, and I freaked out and got super mad. But he has to. It is time to grow up. Even if it were a money issue I might understand a little better, but for fucks sake he could buy the entire counseling firm. No excuse there.

[–]enjanerd 25 points26 points ago

Don't get married. I'm not saying you should dump him. But just don't get married in 9 days. If he's worthy of your trust, he'll still be worthy of your trust later... when he has earned yours back. And if he doesn't agree that you should wait, take that as an indication of how your future, married fights will unfold.

[–]redrobot5050 8 points9 points ago

I was in a relationship for a year with a girl I purposed to, and subsequently ended quickly because of a huge trust violation.

Left me in a really fucked up emotional state, and I sought counseling.

It took 4 months of counseling before I even felt ready to date someone, and another 2 or so before either of us made it 'official' and I felt I had moved on from this "other life" that I used to believe was "perfect for me".

My point is, this guy was in a 3 year relationship with no counseling and he's ready to marry some girl in under a year? No way. He is doing this because he feels he's at that age where "he should get married" so he's accomplished something in his life. A baby on the way probably helps that thinking, but in no way is that guy ready to get married. And really, considering the doubts you have, there's no way you should. At least not right now.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

My point is, this guy was in a 3 year relationship with no counseling and he's ready to marry some girl in under a year?

If the OP is correct, the guy still seems pretty attached to the 3-year-relationship ex. The relationship with the ex doesn't even seem to be resolved yet. In other words, I agree with you that this man should not be marrying OP.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

You should not be getting married in nine days if you have this many relationship issues.

[–]Sleipnoir 20 points21 points ago

Honestly, I don't think you should be trying to trust him at this point. There's a reason why we stop trusting people after they repeatedly lie to us. It's self defense, to prevent it from happening again.

This guy has proven over and over that he is not over his ex, and if he isn't over her then he shouldn't be in a serious relationship let alone a marriage.

[–]CoomassieBlue 4 points5 points ago*

I think he will be much more likely to agree to counseling if you are honest with him and say something like "look, I know I messed up our last try at counseling, but I've recognized that and I will try my hardest to focus on building/repairing our relationship without freaking out, and I feel that we really need the objective opinion a counselor to provide. I need you to be a TEAM with me so that we can try to fix this". Just an example. Don't be a doormat and say that everything is all your fault since he's the one who's been lying to you, but don't pretend you're perfect, either.

It can be very difficult to be honest and open enough in counseling for it to make a real difference. People don't share things with the counselor because they think they'll be judged for it, or they just are so ashamed of it that they can barely admit it to themselves, let alone another person. Or they refuse to admit that their actions might be a big part of the problem. For what it's worth, I only started making progress with my own counseling once I said "fuck it" and was completely honest with the counselor about my thoughts/actions and was willing to take some blame. This is not to say that you should necessarily dwell on who is to blame for things - the focus should be "ok, what are our problems and what's causing them" and "what do we need to move on from here".

Regardless of whether or not you two end up getting married, counseling is likely to help provide a more stable environment for your child to be raised in. I don't think it's necessary for the parents to be married for a child to have a safe and happy upbringing, but cooperation and caring are most certainly crucial.

[–]a7rcana 6 points7 points ago

Trust cannot be replaced by surveillance, and attempting to go down that road leads to unhappiness, divorce and anger.

i need to bookmark this

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points ago

Yes, and he won't.

EVERY thing about this guy is shady. Everything. The only thing that isn't shady is that, whey you two are together -- and he isn't giving attention to this woman, even while you are there (and, even if this woman leaves ... there will be others -- zebras do not change their stripes) -- during these times, and these times only, he is being affectionate and flattering to you.

But being affectionate and flattering do not equal being caring and respectful.

This may sound extreme, but do something for yourself right now. Look up "sociopath" on Google. Read the descriptions. And then try to tell yourself your bf doesn't match an overwhelming number of these categories.

The question you really need to ask is whether you are willing to be his wife and baby-mama, while he does what he wants, when he wants, and with whom he wants. Because that's who he is. And no words or phone records are ever going to change that.

You need to start looking at, and making, your own choices, instead of focusing entirely on his.

[–]myfiancesucks[S] 3 points4 points ago

I have. I thought he was a sociopath for quite a while after this.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

For what it's worth, I just went through something similar with someone I let into my life. And I'm definitely old enough to know better (and, for the most part, I do - partly, I was really bored, and let myself stray away from social encounters for too long, so the presence of someone "compatible" was too much for me to resist, entirely ... but I went with it, a dangerous thing to do, "for a while).

In any case, it's important to realize that you'll probably attract people like this again in the future ... but less so, the more you're willing to address it. Try to be social, as much as possible. Set boundaries. And trust your instinct, and the flags you see along the way. They rarely lead you astray.

In any case, good luck!

[–]Joywalking 7 points8 points ago

I would not marry someone who did not trust me, nor would I marry someone I didn't trust enough to NOT see those phone records. Don't get married.

[–]Sleipnoir 10 points11 points ago

Absolutely. If I broke someones trust I would be completely transparent with them.

I really dont think you two should be engaged even if he does though. Trust takes a while to rebuild. The only way I see this working is if he completely cuts the ex out of his life and you two hold off on getting engaged for another year or two.

He needs to show you he is commited fulky and you cant do that in a day or a week or a month. You need to see him change and stick with it. It will take time.

[–]myfiancesucks[S] 4 points5 points ago

This. I would absolutely be as transparent as possible. It seems to me he makes this out to be a power struggle. " I have nothing to hide I swear! but I dont want to do it because you told me to and threatened me (calling off wedding) If I don't" Wtf? I would swim the fucking ocean for him.

[–]the_longest_troll 9 points10 points ago

The time to negotiate this was when you accepted him back. "Okay, i'll try again with you, but due to how much you've lied to me in the past, I need us to be completely open about who we're communicating with. I may have some paranoia, but I need you to understand that it's going to take quite a while before my trust is rebuilt." At that point, he could make an informed decision about whether salvaging a relationship with you is worth the lack of privacy he'd have to endure.

What you're doing now is not the same. He never promised that he was going to let you become his probation officer, and you never demanded it. To demand it now, on condition of possibly breaking off an impending marriage, is not fair. If he got you to sign a pre-nuptial agreement under these circumstances, a judge would invalidate it because you signed it under duress. If he says yes now, it'll only be because he's scared you'll leave him at the altar. If you doubt that he's trustworthy, you should break it off regardless of if you see his phone records.

It sounds like you've done a pretty bad job of setting and enforcing limits throughout this relationship. He cheated on his girlfriend with you, and then cheated on you with his girlfriend. You find evidence over and over again that he's broken promises, and then lied about it. Each time you let him apologize, come back, and then make new promises. Where were the consequences? This is an extraordinarily bad time for you to come to the realization that you're still in a situation where you don't trust the father of your child and future husband. This cannot be fixed before the planned wedding date.

My feeling is that you should postpone the wedding, give up on seeing his records, and go back to counseling.

[–]myfiancesucks[S] 1 point2 points ago

I think you may have misread something, since he never cheated on either of us. and " "Okay, i'll try again with you, but due to how much you've lied to me in the past, I need us to be completely open about who we're communicating with. I may have some paranoia, but I need you to understand that it's going to take quite a while before my trust is rebuilt.""

that is EXACTLY what I said to him. And he agreed. So I don't understand his refusing this.

[–]the_longest_troll 15 points16 points ago

If you choose to believe that that's the one time he accurately described their relationship to you, I'm not going to work to hard to dissuade you. Fine. Him not telling her about your relationship had nothing to do with her still thinking he was with her. He slept with her until the second he got with you, and then never slept with her again. After that, there was just a lot of furniture moving.

How is this different from any of the other things he agreed to, and then disregarded when he felt like doing something different? What's hard to understand about him being willing to agree to anything, knowing full well that he can change his mind later. This is not a departure from his usual MO, and is a perfect example of why the relationship needs more time and more trust before marriage is on the table.

[–]mudcelt 4 points5 points ago

THIS:

He slept with her until the second he got with you, and then never slept with her again. After that, there was just a lot of furniture moving.

Please, don't marry this guy. Stay with him if you must, work on things, but there is NO WAY you two are ready to get married.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

Him not telling her about your relationship had nothing to do with her still thinking he was with her. He slept with her until the second he got with you, and then never slept with her again. After that, there was just a lot of furniture moving.

Yep. That's pretty good evidence of a dude who was two-timing two women. Not a very nice guy at all.

[–]LePetitChou 0 points1 point ago

This is completely true, and probably the hardest thing to come to terms with, especially if you feel dependent (cough*pregnant).

[–]Sleipnoir 1 point2 points ago*

If he felt bad for lying repeatedly and disrespecting you and hiding you from the ex, he would try his best to fix things.

[–]myfiancesucks[S] 1 point2 points ago

That's what I thought. If he was really sorry and trying to fix things, this would be no problem. UNLESS there was more to hide. Fuck this is so sad.

[–]Sleipnoir 10 points11 points ago

Im sorry. At least you have seen his real character before the wedding.

He had no problem lying to you over and over, but has a problem with you looking at his phone records. His values are screwed up.

[–]Again_what_learned 0 points1 point ago

It will be more sad the longer you allow it to carry on. And you will regret your wasted time.

Do you want to have a failed marriage? I don't see this going any other way.

load more comments (3 replies)

    [–]kintu -2 points-1 points ago

    "I trust you completely, but I want to look at your phone records"

    [–]oonniikk 4 points5 points ago

    No, the hypothetical guy you described really blew it when he tried to juggle both of the women at the same time and was lying to the current girlfriend and hiding info from the ex-girlfriend, often.

    I don't necessarily think the poster has to break up with him, but I would type in very loud letters Don't Marry Him! (You are too young to marry an older man anyway. Marrying a liar more than doubles the risk. Maybe I sound harsh about the lying, but I am very straightforward. Lying makes me sick.)

    [–]LePetitChou 1 point2 points ago

    What if you still had feelings for your "boring" old girlfriend, and your new girlfriend was catching on? But you couldn't stop seeing the old one? So you fed her lies, and eventually proposed, just so you can keep living in both worlds?

    load more comments (1 reply)

      [–]Clark-Kent 17 points18 points ago

      Please do not go through with the marriage, he's already hiding stuff and lying to you. You don't deserve that

      [–]kornberg 27 points28 points ago

      I want to put what others are saying to you in a way that will maybe make more sense.

      If you feel the need to check his phone records--you should not be marrying him in 9 days. A wedding is not going to change anything. At the end of the day, a wedding is a party and a marriage is a piece of paper. The participants will still be the same two people who were there before the party and the piece of paper. They will do and think the same things and they will act the same way. A wedding does not create some sort of vortex that changes who someone is.

      If he was texting her and secretly meeting with her and checking out her facebook page every day (creepy much?) and lying to you before the wedding--what makes you think that he is going to stop doing these things after the wedding? The answer is nothing. Oh he may be on good behavior for a few weeks but then he'll be back to his old tricks soon enough. He may have good intentions but with his track record of constantly lying to you; he shouldn't be unwilling and should be understanding of your desire to see his phone records.

      Another thing to think about--you've been dating for 10 months. And you've broken up and gotten back together twice in that time. Do you think that this what people who stay married for the rest of their lives do? The first year or so is all honeymooning--you should be all shmoopsy on one another, not fighting and breaking up and moving out.

      I know you want to be with this man. He's the father of your child and you have images of you and the baby sitting in the sunlight with him looking over you two and you're all smiling and happy and everything is sausages and rainbows. I know. This is a lie. Don't fall for it.

      I think you guys could make this work if you both put in a huge amount of work and effort into this relationship and if he stopped lying to you. It will be really really really hard, especially since you're not going to have time or energy in 6 months. The relationship prognosis is pretty poor. People in strong, solid relationships have enough trouble with having a baby--heaven forbid if your baby is premature or sick in any way. I'm not saying to dump him this moment but I am begging you to call this wedding off. Your relationship is not ready for marriage. Trust your gut and your brain--they are the ones being smart around here.

      [–][deleted] 12 points13 points ago

      He's hiding plenty. He has consistently told you as little of the truth as possible. I would bet that everything you listed is still a lie. I mean, "randomly broke up with me one day and went straight to her apartment to get his vaccuum back" - like, really? That's not even a believable lie. He slept with her, or at least tried to.

      Chances are good that he's still talking to her and/or seeing her. He clearly wasn't over her when he started dating you... maybe even now. If he has nothing to hide, then why refuse to show his phone records?

      [–]reason_able 10 points11 points ago

      The average person would have broken up with him a while ago, I think. I know I would (if the genders were reversed, etc.). Marriage is a huge deal--you would come out way ahead in the long run if you sought out therapy right now to get some perspective from a professional. Therapists have talked with many people in your situation, and are often very realistic about how things work. I wouldn't expect them to tell you to dump the guy immediately, for example, but maybe to have specific kinds of conversations with him and do some serious reflecting on whether marrying him would be a good idea for you.

      As an aside, it occurred to me how your situation is only allowed to occur because you happen to be the type of person who is mostly compatible with his behavior, up to this point, for whatever reason. Maybe you're codependent yourself, and have an inability to see relationship issues for what they really are. Maybe you're just inexperienced. But whatever the case, you've already allowed things to progress way beyond the point where you should've, so most people who read your story will be wondering "wow is this woman insane?" I don't think you're insane, but I do think you should get a little help.

      [–][deleted] ago*

      [deleted]

      [–]milphey 6 points7 points ago

      He's done so many sketchy iffy things to show you how NOT committed he is to you. Seriously, you guys have shattered trust, and as was said below no trust = no relationship. You need trust and you guys do not have it. This dude needs to go be alone and work out his issues getting over his ex.

      [–]kelroy 3 points4 points ago

      Facepalm, holy hell batman this is a speeding train headed into a wall. He is cheating on you. you are young. kick him to the curb and move on.

      [–]kintu 1 point2 points ago

      You are too young. 3 years down the road you will wondering how you jumped from one bad relationship to another. Please don't . call of the marriage.

      load more comments (1 reply)

        [–]BigRabid 2 points3 points ago

        This. 100%. Do not get married.

        [–]Midwest_Product 128 points129 points ago

        Who cares if you're pregnant, why the fuck are getting married after less than a year to a person you clearly don't trust?

        [–]ToddStrikesAgain 89 points90 points ago

        Don't marry him, regardless of phone records. No sane, rational man gives his ex-girlfriend $500 and blatantly lies to his soon-to-be wife.

        Run.

        [–]RacheyG91 37 points38 points ago

        soon to be ex-wife

        [–]wearmyownkin 9 points10 points ago

        Apparently he's loaded so maybe the equivalent is us loaning $50. Not that that excuses the secretiveness

        [–]myfiancesucks[S] 9 points10 points ago

        This is true, he makes more than that in a day at work. The problem was the "Oh my ex wants to take a vacation? Sure i'll pay for it!" and never mentioning this to me at all.

        [–]LulzCake 4 points5 points ago

        DO NOT MARRY HIM

        [–]rotarded 2 points3 points ago

        Would he have done the same for you?

        [–]myfiancesucks[S] 0 points1 point ago

        I wouldn't ask it, since I make my own money. But without a doubt.

        [–]kintu 2 points3 points ago

        The principle of it is wrong. Would he be happy if your ex(not your last ex) gave you some money for a trip?

        [–]Daide 1 point2 points ago

        He makes well over 100 grand a year? What does he do for a living? Even if you do not want to be specific, you should to a certain extent explain that one. I say that because I do honestly doubt that he's making that much at 26.

        [–]myfiancesucks[S] -2 points-1 points ago

        Maybe my math was wrong, he makes that in a day and a half. And I will be specific, I dont care, I already sent him this post. He is head mobile engineer of his company. Software engineer. He easily makes that much. Since you care enough to ask.

        [–]kintu 22 points23 points ago

        Ok, Fiance, if you read this, don't ruin this girl's life, asshole. She is just 20 years and is not mature enough for most stuff in life

        [–]ToddStrikesAgain 7 points8 points ago

        That in a day and a half would still be ~$85,000. And if he's making that much at 26, he should be thinking about saving and investing, NOT giving it to an ex for vacation.

        I'll be honest, I make a little more than half of that (I'm 24) and I wouldn't give a cent to any of my exes, especially for a trip.

        [–]hellolily 0 points1 point ago

        Keep in mind the $500 is money earned after taxes so it's several days worth of pay.

        [–]Daide 1 point2 points ago

        Fair enough. Engineers do make quite decent money. I just wanted to ask about his job because the amount you were talking about was very high for someone his age so I was worried that perhaps you were perhaps unsure as to his financial situation (which would be quite scary seeing as you will be combining your finances in just over a week)

        [–]hellolily 1 point2 points ago

        Why are you sending him this post? I think in your mind you are hell bent on getting married and still vlammoring for ways to "change him".

        [–]MaoTsetung 60 points61 points ago

        Because no one has said it, I must chime in and do so:

        Love should not be like this. When it's real, nothing you are going through would happen. Just know if you get married to him, you even stay with him, you are cheating yourself out of real love. I wish you the best.

        [–]myfiancesucks[S] 2 points3 points ago

        You have received my only humble upvote thus far. Nobody on reddit has said it, but I have. I said it over and over when all of this blew up in my face. I guess I just thought that, he never cheated on me, he seemed genuinely sorry for it, and always (with the exception of the above list) treated me like a princess, I figured maybe everyone deserved one chance to fuck up, and redeem themselves. That if I could put this in the past and learn forgiveness, we could move on to great things. Am I incredibly naive? Or is this just the real world, and nobody is perfect?

        [–]Sleipnoir 21 points22 points ago*

        There is still emotional cheating, which I think he has probably does quite a bit of based on some of the things you said.

        [–]myfiancesucks[S] 15 points16 points ago

        I also consider it emotional cheating. I know it sucks to say, and I have not stopped crying all day, even more so reading all of this, but even though it sucks for everyone involved it is a much better idea to call off a wedding than to get a divorce.

        [–]wanderingsong 6 points7 points ago

        it is a much better idea to call off a wedding than to get a divorce.

        Kudos to you for this insight, dear. And hugs & support-- you're getting a ton of good advice, but I know it can't be easy to take. There's a fuckload going on. Stay strong.

        [–]CoomassieBlue 4 points5 points ago

        The truth does hurt sometimes, as cliche as it is. When you're so in love with someone, it's very difficult to be objective about your situation.

        Just remember: you can always decide in a few years to put the wedding back on the schedule if things are going swimmingly! Much, much wiser than having a messy and expensive divorce.

        [–]jaskmackey 23 points24 points ago

        he never cheated on me

        You're blind, baby.

        [–]Passionapple 7 points8 points ago

        You're incredibly naive. You went from the worst possible relationship to one that seemed way better, but still any normal person could see that it's going to end in disaster. You're only 20 years old. You should not be in this big of a hurry to get married.

        [–]the_longest_troll 2 points3 points ago*

        Nobody's perfect, but part of the maturation process in relationships is realizing which things are the most important. He could be the sweetest, greatest guy in the world, but if he's not fully committed to you, he's not a realistic candidate for marriage. Commitment and trust are two things which a long-term relationship absolutely needs to have. The good thing is that those can be worked on, just like any other relationship issue. The bad thing is that there are no shortcuts to creating them.

        I spoke about it in an earlier reply to you, but you need to learn which things you absolutely require in a relationship, and then refuse to compromise on them. It sounds like you've learned that there is no acceptable amount of physical abuse. You need to apply that same mentality to other things, like somebody lying to your face about seeing an ex-girlfriend. You can't control what other people do, you can only control how you react. You teach people how to treat you by how you respond to their various actions. I think you're naive, only in thinking that others won't take advantage of your desire to forgive. If you don't have harder limits, and don't make others prove they are worthy of your forgiveness, they will take advantage of it.

        [–]rotarded 0 points1 point ago

        Nobody is perfect but there sure are a lot of complaints that you have about this guy, all of which I see as valid. You should both being going into the marriage with no doubt in your minds. You should just know, this is the right guy and worst case, I can live with these issues. As an extreme example, sociopaths generally have no problem lying and charming people into giving their trust. Not saying your fiance is one, but consider that you have not known him long and he could just be very very skilled at manipulating people. Even if he didn't cheat on you, you should not even have to consider that as a possibility if you want to marry someone.

        [–]beermethestrength 61 points62 points ago

        You have only dated for 10 months, which is not very long. His relationship with her was 3 years. Do not get married.

        [–]zrex 23 points24 points ago

        my personal opinion:

        you have moved from one abusive relationship to another. for the sake of yourself and your child, you should seriously reconsider getting married. what do you think things will be like in 5 years if they are like THIS, now? 10 years? you need to be honest with yourself, even though it can be the hardest thing to do sometimes.

        [–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

        and in 5 years, 10 years, you may have even more children and be even more trapped. Run for the hills!

        [–]hellolily 13 points14 points ago

        Why do you still want to marry him if there are so many reasons for you to not trust him? You can't police a man to not cheat... do you really want to make this man your husband?

        [–]Congzilla 13 points14 points ago

        Why the fuck are you even still with him let alone planning on marrying him?

        [–]AyeAyeCaptain 27 points28 points ago

        Here's the thing with asking to see his phone records: it won't solve the problems.

        In general, we have a great relationship.

        Everything you wrote prior to that statement contradicted this sentiment. Everything you wrote after that statement was surface stuff. You can find another guy that you share common interests with, but also someone you trust. Trust is a major component of a relaitonship and is a HUGE flaw in yours.

        You don't trust him and rightfully so. Seeking his phone records will not restore that trust because his actions are still untrustworthy. You don't earn or show trust by seeking information through detective work, but through day in and day out actions. He shows neither and your pregnant hormones are not triggering this mistrust... it is your gut telling you something is wrong. Listen to your gut!!!

        Easier said then done, but put the wedding on hold (or call off all together) until you can learn to trust him through his actions.

        [–]CoomassieBlue 43 points44 points ago*

        So, what you're saying is, because you're pregnant, you're getting married to someone you CLEARLY don't trust.

        You're both out of line.

        Edit: another thing. Joke or not, if your throwaway is "myfiancesucks", you are clearly nowhere near mature enough to enter into the legally binding contract that is marriage with another person. Marriage isn't a toy. Have the baby, have him be around as a father and perhaps keep dating if you want to give him a second chance, then get married in a few years if things are going well enough that you actually feel COMFORTABLE marrying this man. It's quite obvious that you love him, but especially in a relationship where lying is already evident, it's not enough to base a marriage on - YET. Keep working on your relationship for a few years and see what happens.

        [–]Silenced_is_Foo 3 points4 points ago

        Marriage is the tip of the iceberg of parenthood. The marriage is irrelevant compared to the far-more-important child they're having together.

        A divorce is easier to get than a 4th-trimester abortion. They're stuck together for life, the only question is whether they're doing it as partners or associates. "Stay or go" is the question, marriage is comparatively trivial.

        load more comments (4 replies)

          [–]LittleElton 11 points12 points ago

          ... I don't know if you need his phone records to decide whether or not you should marry him. You already have all the information you need:

          • sent her $500 to take a trip to her hometown without telling me randomly broke up with me one day and went to see her to get his vaccuum back, and let her take his dog to the dog park
          • she came over one day after he had proposed to me and he kept inviting her in and trying to talk with her. (lied about this for 6 months until i found out)
          • went through his computer history one day because I had a hunch, he had been going on her facebook every single day for months. not talking to her, just looking.
          • went to a concert here and texted her to see if she was there and hung out with her. told me a few days later he "ran into her" the truth came out eventually. this is after he had promised he would not be seeing her.
          • tells me she randomly showed up one day to return some of his property in october. I found out this morning looking for something in his phone that he lied again. he had known since 9 am that day, texted her 4 or 5 times that he wanted to talk and to call him. After promising he would let me know if they had any contact and definitely have me be there for face to face contact, he did not. He told me about two days later. He hung out with her for maybe 45 minutes chatting.
          • I find out he was sleeping with her the entire time up until a few days before we started dating. Lied about it our whole relationship.

          [–]Snowleaf 19 points20 points ago*

          It's blatantly obvious that she isn't an "ex-girlfriend" in the slightest. If he's not sleeping with her right now, he desperately wants to be. He's going on dates with her, and "chatting?" randomly breaking up with the OP and hurrying over to her house to "return a vaccuum?" Please.

          What a sad situation. This is going to end in divorce, and the kid will be calling this other woman his/her stepmother. Phone records are just a red herring...

          [–]sayhellokitty 1 point2 points ago

          I agree. These events keep happening for a reason and are all the motive you need to break up. He obviously doesn't want to be done with his previous relationship even though he treats you like a princess. You deserve better than this. Much better!

          [–]TheNextMovement 11 points12 points ago

          You're 20 and you shouldn't be getting married regardless.

          You're supposed to be getting married in less than two weeks and had these questions? Why would you have continued with the date you set if you had all these questions about the relationship? You should have cancelled or postponed months ago.

          You need to let people know the wedding is on hold stat. You should have done this months ago though.

          [–][deleted] 7 points8 points ago*

          Can you live with knowing you'll never know the absolute truth. Because by now he's done so much lying, you'll never be certain of anytyhing he says pertaining to her.

          [–]vrex131 8 points9 points ago

          I know I'm just repeating what many people have already said... but you've been with this person for ten months and are getting married in 9 days? He proposed months ago? AND you're 20 years old? AND he has consistently lied to you about his relationship with his ex? What on EARTH makes you think this is a good idea?! Wow, all I have to say is good luck. I sincerely hope this doesn't end badly and instead you have a happy, healthy long lasting marriage but it's kind of set up to crash and burn...

          [–]woohoo47 0 points1 point ago

          Yep. Moron. No point in reading past those basic facts.

          [–]lawyerguy 6 points7 points ago

          Can you update us when the divorce is final please? It seems you are dead set on marrying this asshole.

          [–]roadie_girl 13 points14 points ago

          RED FLAG Honey, to save your self a heart break that's a million times worse than what you're feeling right now, you need to walk away from this situation. If you don't trust him, there's a VERY good reason. He's constantly lying to you, a marriage will NOT end well. I know it's killing you to probably hear all this advice, but listen to what everyone's saying. He's no good for you. You deserve so much better.

          [–]rotarded 0 points1 point ago

          oh god i want to send that video to my friend, but his gf intercepts all my messages and texts to him before she lets him see them. how can i show this to my friend...

          [–]roadie_girl 0 points1 point ago

          She does what??? What is it with all these crazy bitches now-a-days?

          [–]rotarded 1 point2 points ago

          I feel like I've lost my friend :(

          [–]roadie_girl 0 points1 point ago

          I'm sorry darlin. I've been in a position before where my best friends GF HATED me. Almost lost a friendship over it. Talk to your buddy about it. Tell him your point of view. Be very polite and well spoken, and maybe you guys can work it out!

          [–]rotarded 1 point2 points ago

          oh he does come to me to rant and rave all the time. of course ive told him in both polite and impolite words that he needs to dump that bitch. shes got a lot of bitch in her but not more than him. still, he knows im here if he needs me during and after his nightmare is over. only he can resolve it.

          [–]Student1975 5 points6 points ago

          Ummmm. Put the wedding on hold darling. Then cancel it. You two need more time to figure out what the hell you're doing. Trust us... DO NOT get married in 9 days. I don't give a shit about the embarrassment, etc. You'll be out loads of money and stuck in a marriage that will end inside two years. Just don't do it.

          [–]throwaway-o 6 points7 points ago

          DO NOT MARRY.

          [–]RandianHero 4 points5 points ago

          If you even have to ask this of him, you're not ready for marriage at all.

          [–]Passionapple 4 points5 points ago

          I will have absolutely no sympathy for you if you follow through with this wedding and it ends up how every single person who read your post expects it to.

          [–]padgo 4 points5 points ago

          your username says it all.

          [–]Nobody_Nailed_It 3 points4 points ago

          Everyone has covered everything I would say here - you don't trust him (for good reason) and you shouldn't get married. I just want to ask that you please post an update once the dust settles from this whole situation, pleeease?

          [–]myfiancesucks[S] 4 points5 points ago

          I will.

          [–]lawyerguy -1 points0 points ago

          Yeah, let us know when the divorce is final, please. Us people here on reddit will remember in a few months who you are.

          [–]k1ll1ngt0n 6 points7 points ago

          Unfortunately, you have a distorted perception of this relationship. The very things you love about your relationship such as:

          • "Our whole relationship he has brought me flowers and chocolate constantly"

          • "Tells me I am sexy and beautiful over and over again every day"

          These are things that naturally come with a new relationship. But they don't always endure.

          You're 20 years old and you have your WHOLE life ahead of you. What you think is cute and adorable now, you might find annoying when you're 25.

          The realism of the situation is that he's lied to you and now you don't trust him and you're not even married yet.

          Not good sister. This is going to end badly for you. Your head is telling you bad things, your heart is telling you all the romantic things.

          You should ALWAYS listen to your head when it screams like this.

          [–]Chakosa 2 points3 points ago

          I am 20f...and [am] supposed to be getting married in 9 days.

          Nonononono.

          [–]manduuxd 3 points4 points ago

          To answer your original question, you aren't out of line to ask, since he broke your trust. He is obviously trying to hide something. You should NOT marry someone you do not trust. This man is a chronic liar. That doesn't go away completely in a few months.

          [–]silverionmox 4 points5 points ago

          I am pregnant and extremely hormonal and aware of this, but I asked to see his phone records before I promise my life to him.

          Too late.

          [–]beachglass 3 points4 points ago

          You might be his rebound. Think about that.

          [–]sitbackandwait 5 points6 points ago

          Do not marry him! I know it's probably scary cause you're pregnant, however everyone deserves to be loved and to love! It doesn't seem like he is over his ex. He tells you half truths about her, and still let's her in his life! How old are you? Do you have a lot of friends and family you can look to for support? Make him move out, focus on yourself and your baby! You've allowed this to go on for so long now, and it's going to be impossible to break the bad habit. You do not need any added stress while pregnant or when you have the baby! If he truly wants to be with you for the right reasons he needs to understand that he needs to earn your trust.

          [–]myfiancesucks[S] 0 points1 point ago

          No I have no support at all. My family and my one friend I have here are over an hour away. I am relatively new to the state I live in. I have no support here. It is incredibly hard and lonely.

          [–]Sleipnoir 2 points3 points ago

          Perhaps if you end things you could move back hone temporarily. Does your family know whats been going on? Would they be supportive if you left?

          [–]myfiancesucks[S] 1 point2 points ago

          If I left the state they would not be. My home town is california. I have all the friends in the world there and some family as well, but my mom and dad are here an hour and a half away. They think the best place is in the state they are in. They don't seem very empathetic about the fact that I have no friends or near by support. Also, the state i'm in now I have a fantastic job and a drastically cheaper cost of living. It would be emotionally responsible but not fiscally responsible at the moment. They know what's going on, and I suppose they are being old fashioned. I told them don't you think it's better to call off a wedding than be in a messy divorce down the line? They said in this case, it's not. What do they know.

          [–]LittleElton 14 points15 points ago

          Please do not take offense to this question... but... have you considered NOT having the child?

          [–]Raeko 4 points5 points ago

          Or alternatively not keeping it? Lots of people are looking for American babies to adopt!

          [–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

          yes!

          [–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

          i'm glad someone asked this!

          [–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

          Sweetheart I say this from experience. Shitty experience. Swallow your pride, your parents are probably not very empathetic because they don't think you're making good choices. Call off the wedding, it's completely okay, you will save yourself the messiest emotional fallout ever. Your guests will probably be more relieved than disappointed, trust me please.

          [–]Sleipnoir 7 points8 points ago

          I think they're wrong. It will be hard at first being a single mom, but trust me it will be much better than years of mistrust, fights, and drama that this guy will probably put you through.

          My mom married my dad because she was pregnant with me and she felt like she had to and she has been pretty much miserable since. Don't put yourself/your child through that.

          [–]CoomassieBlue 1 point2 points ago

          told them don't you think it's better to call off a wedding than be in a messy divorce down the line? They said in this case, it's not. What do they know.

          Obviously, not much. To be fair, they're from a generation where a child out of wedlock was scandalous, but I would think they would care more about your best interests.

          [–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

          Wow I can't imagine parents who would say something like that. Is your fiance somehow deluding them into thinking that he's the greatest guy in the world or something? Because in my experience, if a daughter tells her parents about something like this, they tell her to get the hell out as fast as she can.

          Are they only saying that because of the baby? You said you were atheist, I don't know if your parents are.

          [–]kintu 0 points1 point ago

          Postpone the marriage....On principle

          [–]hellolily 0 points1 point ago

          Over one hour away? That's really close!

          [–]sitbackandwait 0 points1 point ago

          What state are you in? Could you move back with family at all?

          [–]myfiancesucks[S] 2 points3 points ago

          Texas. I could, but wouldn't need to. Even as a single mom I could afford child care and keep my job.

          [–]sitbackandwait 0 points1 point ago

          Then I say... Find a support group for pregnant mothers. I'm sure living in Texas there are military wives and that sort! Reach out to your family if you're close with them! You can even be my pen pal via the net if you want! Get out on your own! You seem smart!

          [–]casey0402 2 points3 points ago

          You can't trust him. Trust is a very big thing in a relationship. It is really weird to ask for phone records, but if he has nothing to hide then I would think that he would offer them with no problem. Honestly this doesn't sound like a good situation. I know you're pregnant but don't get married just because of the baby. Do you know how many marriages end up in divorce, because they married or stayed together "for the kids"? You guys will be miserable and you will ALWAYS be wondering if you can trust him. Also his crazy ex seems like she will always be in the picture because he cant respect your wishes. I can't tell you how to live your life but from reading your post, I would advise against getting married in 9 days. Get married when you are READY.... and you two are not ready right now.

          [–]wildhorses 2 points3 points ago

          you don't trust him, and for good reasons. you shouldn't marry him but if you want you could stay in the relationships and try to work things out. however, he would have to work a LOT on making you trust him again, because all that lying seems kinda difficult to forget about just like that.

          [–]colieshark 2 points3 points ago

          You need to end this. Now. Seriously. This is not going to work. He's a liar. Get out while you still can. If you can't trust him, which clearly you can't and you have every right not to, you shouldn't be marrying him.

          [–]Lyzzteria 2 points3 points ago

          You 100% should not marry him! Use your head girl.

          [–]tinglysensations 2 points3 points ago

          To everyone giving her paragraphs of advice, it's pointless. She won't call the wedding off just like she didn't end the relationship during all those MONTHS of lies. She has no respect for herself. Nothing anyone says on here will persuade her enough to leave him, I garuntee it.

          [–]warehousedude 0 points1 point ago

          I agree with you, but it's always worth a try to help someone out if you can.

          [–]Frogbert 2 points3 points ago

          I only had to read as far as you being 20 and only dating for 10 months before it was clear you shouldn't marry him. Then I read some more... why you are even considering marrying him is baffling. Don't do it unless you like the idea of being a 21 year old divorced single parent.

          [–]woohoo47 2 points3 points ago

          Idiot.

          [–]weareallfromearth 2 points3 points ago

          You shouldn't be marrying him after this short and turbulent courtship.

          [–]Prodigal_Daughter 2 points3 points ago

          I'm sorry to tell you this, but she is clearly not an ex-girlfriend.

          [–]birdsenjoyghost 2 points3 points ago

          Do not get married to this man.

          [–]mezasu 2 points3 points ago

          If you have to ask this prior to getting married, there is no trust. This marriage will not work.

          You even made a username 'myfiancesucks'. Whether that was just to add flavor to the post or not, I'm not sure. But if you think that even in the least bit, do not go through with this.

          [–]iwasapolygon 2 points3 points ago

          You're too young to get married. You can't even drink yet and you don't trust your fiance.

          [–]franklin_k 1 point2 points ago

          if my SO asked for my phone records, i'd be a little miffed of the distrust, but i'd definitely do it, since i have nothing to hide.

          he is most definitely hiding something. you don't want this baggage going into a marriage or someone like that raising your child.DO. NOT. MARRY. HIM.

          [–]awake438 1 point2 points ago

          He does not respect you, he has been seeing her and making excuses. Do not marry him. Things may be good now, but they can change so swiftly. If you get married, you will be stuck with this guy who has been lying to you.

          [–]mimus 1 point2 points ago

          DON'T MARRY HIM DON'T MARRY HIM DON'T MARRY HIM!

          DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES

          [–]kittywaffles 1 point2 points ago

          Don't marry this person... You've been dating only 10 months and he has been lying to you and dragging things on with his ex this entire time.

          [–]dripdripdrop 1 point2 points ago

          It seems to me, if you go through with the wedding you will unfortunately continue to add more events to the already long list of times he has lied and disappointed you.

          [–]BCADPV 1 point2 points ago

          Abort the marriage for your kid. You're headed for absolute disaster. It's really that simple.

          [–]dre4den 1 point2 points ago

          Game, Set, Divorce in the future don't do it.

          [–]squishlurk 1 point2 points ago

          What if all those romantic gestures are due to him feeling guilty for cheating on you? If so, then after you marry him either he would continue to cheat on you, or he would stop cheating, no longer feel guilty, and would stop being romantic.

          [–]Dysana 1 point2 points ago

          You need to end it. As awful and awkward as it's going to be, it's still infinitely easier to do it now BEFORE the wedding.

          Do not marry this man. Cut him out of your life.

          You are worth so much more than this.

          [–]There-Wolf 1 point2 points ago

          RUN! I mean it, there are red flags planted all over this relationship. Pregnancy is no reason to marry someone you don't trust. This whole thing sounds like a messy divorce waiting to happen.

          [–]Jordsauce 1 point2 points ago

          Please please please do not marry him. You will end up hurt for sure.

          [–]MostlyHarmless121 1 point2 points ago

          If you need to see his phone records, you shouldn't be getting married.

          [–]Savassan 1 point2 points ago

          Yeah, honestly, dump this loozer. If he doesnt have enough respect for you that he is willing to lie to you over and over again about something like seeing his ex several times then you shouldnt be with him. I am not advicating looking at each phone records but I think you have just cause to be suspicious. I know why ex used to hide the fact that she was talking to a guy that I didnt like or trust. She kept talking to him reguarless of how many times I asked her to please stop. It finally turned into me looking threw her phone whenever she wasnt looking. (i no longer trusted her) then a bit later she tells me she kissed him. We "take a break for a month" to get things straight and well we are apart she has sex with him. I can understand you not trusting your fiance. He is obviously hiding something or doing something behind your back. I feel 99% sure that he has, or is having, an afair with her. As a guy, I know If i was cheating I would hide it as much as possible and be smart enough to delete any risky texting/emailing that has gone on. He cant hide his phone records. Get out well you still can

          [–]indigomoon 1 point2 points ago

          He is taking advantage of the fact that he is older and more experienced than you. I am a 21 f I would know. I'm not saying you shouldn't be with an older guy but THIS older guy is not treating you the way you deserve. Maybe he insecure, which could be why he is with someone so much younger. You are a safe choice because he can screw around and not get called out on it.

          [–]PComotose 1 point2 points ago

          Break it off and break it off now.

          A close acquaintance of mine (guy) called it off just a couple of days before the wedding. Great drama ensued, naturally, but that eventually blew over. More than a year later, they actually did tie the knot when they were both ready.

          So if you're both ready, do it. But it certainly seems like you have doubts so don't do it. (And the fact that he's still in touch with his ex certainly makes it seem like he has doubts, too.)

          [–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

          I really need to put this is in a txt file so I do not have to type it so often.

          Get the FUCK out of the relationship NOW. Do NOT get Married. From experience this will end poorly. I stood at the alter waiting for my ex to walk down the aisle and said to myself, "what the fuck am I doing here". I went through with the wedding because people had flown in and taken time out of their lives for me. That is why I got married. After she cheated on me with my best friend, some guy at work, my brother and finally the guy across the hall we got divorced(yes I am a glutton for punishment). Now I am married to a woman who is the most wonderful person that I could ever meet. We have been together for 11 years and I do love her more every day. There are times when we do not like each other but those things happen. Find someone who is happy with you and does not keep a relationship hidden from you. My wife knows everything. I had a crush on a recent boss. I told my wife about it and why I felt that way. It honestly felt like I had my wife at home and at work. My wife understood and knows that I am too scared to do anything with anyone else.

          [–]LePetitChou 1 point2 points ago

          Run.

          Forget about phone records. Just get out of this relationship as fast as you can.

          [–]Dark1000 1 point2 points ago

          Wait, you've only been together for 10 months and he proposed months ago? How long had you been dating before he proposed? How long did you even know each other? This whole thing sounds terrible. You shouldn't feel the urge to check the phone records of someone you trust, and you shouldn't marry someone you don't trust.

          This whole situation just sounds terribly ridiculous. Who does your fiance think he is? His actions don't make any sense. He sounds like a caricature or a poorly written bad boyfriend from a romantic comedy. Maybe we're not getting the entire picture, but this is real bad news.

          [–]Ave009 1 point2 points ago

          You're 20. Marriage doesn't FIX anything. It just makes a hell of a lot more paperwork. You THINK you'll be happier marrying him but you're not. If you're having this problem now, just think about where it's going. Christ people stop getting married because it's convienient.

          ..and don't mind my spelling.

          [–]countingthedays 1 point2 points ago

          Break it off!

          [–]a7rcana 1 point2 points ago

          why are you marrying someone who you haven't even been dating a year all the while you are having trust issues, he "randomly breaks up with you" and sees his ex girlfriend? recipe for disaster. if you are pregnant a baby doesn't need his or her parents to be married to have a happy life. do not marry this guy

          [–]snorinlauren 1 point2 points ago

          Look, if you feel the need to look through someone's phone records for peace of mind, you shouldn't be marrying that person. That person should be providing that peace of mind.

          [–]sweetdee84 1 point2 points ago

          I didn't even read this whole thing but with all of these issues and the fact that you're only 20 (I know you think yu know everything but trust me you absolutely do not) and thr fact that you've only been dating ten months, do not get married. At least not right now. I'd also say at least not to him.

          He's being dishonest already. You have not even been dating a year. To put that into perspective, he's been dating you for less time than the two years he claims he tried to break up with his ex for

          You are still very young. I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news but this situation does not look promising at all. You do not seem happy. Marriage does not fix broken relationships.

          Best of luck to you. I hope you do what is best for you.

          [–]Sarahtree 1 point2 points ago

          This has bad idea written all over it, you already know what you have to do, and getting married isn't it. Good luck, and keep listening to your gut.

          [–]warehousedude 1 point2 points ago

          All I see is you trying to talk yourself into marrying him. You're trying to convince yourself to do something that your gut is telling you is a bad idea.

          Get out of this relationship before it's too late. He is most certainly sleeping with his ex. He probably never stopped.

          Also, DO NOT get married until you're 25+. I'm sure you are smart and wonderfully mature and blah blah blah. Not to be insulting, but you still know jack shit about life and need to let your mind grow for a few more years. Getting married at that age is insane, no matter how much you think you know or love someone.

          [–]smacksaw 1 point2 points ago

          You have no trust. If you get them and they're clean, you just ruined the entire principle of the marriage. If anything, I wouldn't want to marry you if you made me do this and I was telling the truth.

          You two probably should postpone the wedding. Three's a crowd. He sounds like he's only interested in what he can't have. He'll never be satisfied and you'll never be satisfied.

          [–]Moviestarjunkey 1 point2 points ago

          So, why do people wonder why the divorce rate in this country is so high? It's because of stupid situations like this.

          You're twenty years old. Your fiance twenty-six years old. There is a huge life experience, maturity, etc. issue going on here. He is obviously cheating on you and is not over his ex. You do not trust him and want to see his phone records before entering MARRIAGE.

          Do yourself a favor and the courthouse too: Break up with him or learn to accept that there is a third person in your relationship.

          [–]MisterDespair 1 point2 points ago

          He's 26, rolling in dough, you're probably a sexy chick, teeming with physical attraction, you're probably blonde, you're young, probably kinky sexually, and you're pregnant.

          This guy only wants to marry you to make himself look better, for business and legitimacy reasons.

          And he's clearly cheating on you.

          [–]Sleipnoir 3 points4 points ago

          You shouldnt get married if you have to ask this. You shouldnt be engaged with someone you dont trust. Dont go into a marriage that is failing before it even begins.

          [–]jaskmackey 0 points1 point ago

          Uch, don't be another statistic. You know exactly what you're supposed to do here. Be smart. Call it off.

          [–]stephiej17 3 points4 points ago

          Hes fucking her when you're not home. Who is that close to an ex??

          Leave while you can!!!!

          Why not message her straight out and get her side of the story?

          [–]myfiancesucks[S] 0 points1 point ago

          This is not true, since we lived together almost the entire time. I was unemployed for the first 6 months by choice ( I had money, didn't need to be and didn't want to be) I stayed at home. And went to his work and had lunch with him everyday. He hardly even went out without me. And always came home on time. They have exchanged a couple emails about getting property back which he shared with me, she always referenced how they hadn't seen each other at all. I talked to her on the phone after they hung out at the concert and her version was that he called her and begged her to see a show with him and they talked for like 20 minutes. But they both have reason to lie, and I am a los angeles native, mistrustful by nature. I don't think you ever REALLY know somebody.

          [–]lawyerguy 8 points9 points ago

          The first and second part of your post completely contradicts itself. Also, he is most definitely fucking her.

          [–]stephiej17 0 points1 point ago

          just keep making excuses for him. Sounds like a REALLY healthy relationship

          [–]bearded 1 point2 points ago

          Going through phone/text records is an invasion of privacy, even in a marriage context. Everyone should be entitled to their privacy.

          If you don't trust each other, don't get married.

          If you have reason not to trust him, and it sounds like you do, don't marry him. This is only going to end up happening again.

          He still has feelings for her or else he would have been honest with you. It's possible to be friends with an ex.

          You also need to get over your own trust issues before you marry anyone.

          Also, worst tl;dr ever.

          [–]Silenced_is_Foo 1 point2 points ago

          I appreciate that you want to try to make it work for the sake of the kid... but it sounds like he just plain doesn't want this.

          I know I will be extremely happy marrying him, I just want to go into it with the absolute truth.

          He won't be. Maybe he could've been happy with you without the kid, but the fact is he's marrying you because he has to, not because he wants to, and now he's resenting everything about his life and pining for his ex.

          Think about your favourite thing in the world. Think about doing that.

          Now think about doing it for the rest of your life while somebody points a gun to your head to tell you to keep doing it. Yeah, hyperbolic shitty analogy, but still - he's gone from being a willing participant of the relationship to being trapped in it because of the child... and it's fucking him up and he wants to go running back to his ex.

          He should man up for the sake of you and the kid and himself. If he's got a brain in his head, he knows this. But knowing what you need to do and doing it are completely different things... so don't be surprised if he fails miserably and fucks up all three of your lives.

          [–]forgettableme 1 point2 points ago

          No, not a big deal that you want to see his phone records.

          HOWEVER, in light of everything else you have discribed I have to ask... why are you considering getting married anyway?

          He lied about her, sees her behind your back, knows it bothers you and yet... you're still there?

          Its my opinion you need to put your foot down BEFORE you get married and either have him get rid of her all together or go become friends with her yourself, because obviously its a big deal to you that she is in his life.

          Personally, I completely understand. I wouldn't stand for it either. But you keep letting it slide, letting it slide... and now you want to get married?

          This behavior is just going to happening after the wedding. You haven't given him a reason to stop. Its going to cause more hurt feelings and arguments, but until you take a stand its just going to keep up.

          [–]princessofcalamity 0 points1 point ago

          If it doesn't feel right don't go through with it. Yes, you may feel like you would have a good life with him and raise a loving family, but the damage has been done every time he meets a new lady friend or this woman starts coming around again in the back of your mind you are going to be wondering what the hell is going on and that's going to make everything and everyone miserable. If you have an open policy on privacy I see no reason why he should be defensive. Overall, he seems too skittish about the whole thing maybe push back the wedding date and get things in order before you commit everything to this guy. Good luck!

          [–]Jesuscheese 0 points1 point ago

          Why do you want to look at his phone. Why not go right to the source, his ex gf. Explain to his ex that he has been lying to you, and you think she has been lied to as well. Then you can put the story together on your own. You don't have to tell her you're engaged to him, but if this woman if in his life this much, you both should be comfortable enough to talk to eachother about him. Oh wait, you don't know her? Oh because he has been lying to you and her about his intentions? The guy is a total loser.

          [–]myfiancesucks[S] 0 points1 point ago

          I have talked to her breifly a couple times. She wont talk to me now because she is afraid of me. (She told him that) This is because I have a sleeve. And she is very conservative, asian, barely speaks proper english. I guess I am scary to her.

          [–]lawyerguy 1 point2 points ago

          Yeah, I'm sure she told him that. I bet you heard that from your douchebag fiance. He probably told her the same thing.

          [–]tampown 0 points1 point ago

          this is me personally, but I would never marry someone that I didn't trust completely. If I felt like she needed to prove something to me, I would seriously be questioning why I was getting married to this person.

          [–]etxeberria 0 points1 point ago

          He's lied to you in the past, won't give you information now, and what's the problem again? Leave him. If he has nothing to hide and knows that you need the information to feel secure, then he should give it up. He's not, which is sketchy. Leave now.

          [–]heveabrasilien 0 points1 point ago

          Given what you have described I would say getting marry in 10 months is a bit hasty. You definitely need more time to see his character. Please reconsider.

          [–]dboivin 0 points1 point ago

          bottom line is you're 20 so don't get married

          [–]andrewneher 0 points1 point ago

          Pregnancy is not enough of a reason to get married. Beware. I know this is the hard choice to make, but I think you need to not get married

          [–]ismellreallybad 0 points1 point ago

          You don't trust this man at all, and likely never will. Marriage is not something you should be considering at this point. If you really want to work on your relationship you both need to basically start over, not rush into a marriage that, at this point, will surely fail.

          The problem is that his behavior has broken the trust so badly that it will be very hard for him to rebuild it.

          Trust is like an expensive vase; pristine, and in perfect condition. Now imagine someone bumping into the vase causing it to drop, breaking into a hundred pieces. The vase is now broken, shattered, never to be what it once was. Even if you gather the pieces back, super glue them together, it will never be the same. There will always be small holes or cracks in the vase. It will forever be imperfect.

          What you need to ask yourself is if you can handle being with someone who you may never trust the same way again. The phone records aren't important, because today it's the records, tomorrow it will be his emails, the next day it will be something else.

          Ask yourself if this is how you want to live your life. If this man is worth it, I suggest relationship counseling and open communication with him. Tell him exactly how you are feeling, it's HIS job to rebuild trust in you. If he is refusing to behave in a way that will allow that to happen, maybe it's time for you to move on.

          You're 20, much to young to commit yourself to a life of unhappiness and the other pitfalls that accompanies being in a relationship with someone untrustworthy. I wish you the best of luck.

          [–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

          and believe me, when you are, oh, 25, 30, 40 years old, you are going to think, "HOLY SHIT i can't believe I almost married that guy!" 20 is YOUNG and you sure as hell don't need to be committing yourself to this asshat.

          [–]sugar_sure 0 points1 point ago

          You're not out of line asking to see his phone records. What's out of line is that there is SO MUCH doubt and mistrust in this relationship that you want to see them. It doesn't sound like this wedding should be happening. He is clearly not willing to cut her out of his life, as you want him to, and it's not going to happen. I think you need to sit down and have a long honest conversation and figure out if this marriage is really a good idea given each other's trust issues.

          [–]UnclePaul50 0 points1 point ago

          The biggest issue here is that you very clearly don't trust your boyfriend. You should absolutely not marry someone you don't trust.

          Is your mistrust warranted? I honestly can't say. But that doesn't really matter. The mistrust is there, and I have a hard time believing that if he agrees to your request and provides his phone records, you will suddenly trust him completely. You have been bothered by these issues for a long time and you'd be making a big mistake not to acknowledge that this will be a problem moving forward.

          [–]JustWordsInYourHead 0 points1 point ago

          I don't understand what made you say yes. My boyfriend does all the nice things your boyfriend does (and more), and I couldn't contemplate marrying him if he ended up still talking to any one of his ex's without telling me.

          If he's slipped up once or twice, fine, but he's gone behind your back REPEATEDLY, and only admitted to what he's doing when you threatened to get his phone logs. You KNOW this guy doesn't have a conscience when it comes to talking to his ex. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing.

          Sure, he may be apologetic and "sincerely" sorry... but unless he shows you those phone logs, then he is NOT REALLY wanting to work this out and move forward.

          [–]wordcutouts 0 points1 point ago

          I didn't even read the whole post because really? He sounds pretty fuckin' awful for you. Don't marry him. He has shit to hide, which is usually a bad sign. Ask to know for closure if you want, but otherwise? He's not worth the effort. Just leave.

          [–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

          I hate to say it, but I'm sorry you're pregnant; don't let that (your pregnancy) be the reason you marry this guy.

          [–]Caseyymarie 0 points1 point ago

          You don't trust him. Do not marry him without the trust, otherwise you will just be looking at divorce in not to long. Even if you get the phone records and the stuff you want, that doesn't mean you will trust him anymore. Stop making this more complicated then it needs to be. If you don't trust him, you don't trust him. Bottom line.

          [–]CoomassieBlue 0 points1 point ago

          One more thing, OP - if you do end up staying with this guy? If you choose to keep having sex with him, for crying out loud, use birth control AND protection. Since you seemingly can't trust him, I'd be very uneasy about having unprotected sex with a potential cheater. And if one child is difficult to care for, which they ARE, two children in diapers at a time is incredibly tough. You're already facing the consequences of one accident, even if it is a "happy" one.

          [–]saraoflaherty 0 points1 point ago

          If he's willing to lie to you non-stop before the wedding, you have ZERO reason to assume that would change after marriage. The guy has been cheating on your ages, cut your losses and find someone who deserves you.

          [–]changeyou -3 points-2 points ago

          I didn't even read this whole thing. Why the fuck are you marrying him?

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