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... so when does a relationship get easy? (self.relationship_advice)

submitted ago by [deleted]

23F/22M

On and off for the first two years, on for the next three -- "together" for 5 years

... so when does a relationship get easy?

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[–]thrownaway1234567 46 points47 points ago

It should be easy from the start in my opinion. I've been in my relationship for 6 years living together for 5 1/2. I'm infatuated with my best-friend and he's infatuated with me. This is your PARTNER, you should be working with each other not against.

[–]Vanetia 17 points18 points ago

This is your PARTNER, you should be working with each other not against.

So much this.

There may come a time when you hit a rough patch, but if your entire relationship is a rough patch, then it's not the ideal relationship for you. Whether you settle for that or not is up to you.

[–]Cryptic0677 7 points8 points ago

This is your PARTNER, you should be working with each other not against.

That doesn't mean it's not work. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that the best relationships often involve the most work, but maybe the least conflict. From this point of view they are always "hard", but worth it.

[–]Sieziggy 2 points3 points ago

I don't think that's a realistic perspective to have. Very few people could ever find a relationship that is easy from the start, and remains so for the rest of their lives.

[–]doctorsax 3 points4 points ago

Relationships are always hard, I think the point is they are a lot more manageable and rewarding if you're willing to work together rather than living in conflict.

[–]magic_delorean 0 points1 point ago

Agreed. Compatibility & maturiting communication make for easier relationships.

[–]griminald 18 points19 points ago

You know how bloggers make "passive income", but have to work their asses off in the beginning to create the content and situation where that can happen?

That's kind of how relationships are. The more work you put in upfront to create and maintain an environment you both can live with long-term, the "easier" it gets down the road. This means discussing what you both want and, when issues come up, they're talked out and dealt with to the satisfaction of both parties involved.

The relationships that look "easy" are themselves the result of a lot of hard work.

If you never talk these issues out, never deal with them, it never feels easy.

[–]bossoline 3 points4 points ago

You know how bloggers make "passive income", but have to work their asses off in the beginning to create the content and situation where that can happen?

This is a brilliant analogy...

[–]Trouble_McDangerface 1 point2 points ago

when issues come up, they're talked out and dealt with to the satisfaction of both parties involved.

This. The lack of this has killed several of my past relationships. I always try to give my SO the feeling they can talk to me about anything and I strive to encourage discussion but still I end up getting shut out and/or lied to. I cannot handle being lied to, it brings out the absolute worst in me. Eventually all of my relationships go Chernobyl. Feels bad man.

[–]weareallfromearth -1 points0 points ago

Sounds like maybe the common denominator is the people you pick?

[–]MollyGirl 3 points4 points ago

I think its not about 'when' but 'how often' I gues. Certian times are hard, and certian times are easy. For us its like 80% easy and 20% hard. If its more hard then it it easy then maybe you're not right for each other....

[–]imperpetual 2 points3 points ago*

If I've learned anything. It's that communication is key. It doesn't matter how much you disagree, but instead how often you communicate how one another is feeling.

I'd say get off Reddit and go talk to your SO about how you feel, if there's a problem you should work through it, together.

Edit: You don't "get of Reddit," but you do "get off Reddit"

[–][deleted] ago

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[–]prof9000 1 point2 points ago

Never really gets easy (together 11 years). There does come a time where you accept your SO's faults and really choose your battles carefully.

[–][deleted] ago

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[–]prof9000 6 points7 points ago

Hard to say. Maybe 5-6 years in? She still drives me batshit crazy from time to time.

[–]sparktika 4 points5 points ago

Always easy in the right relationship.

[–]staybrutal 2 points3 points ago

I feel the same way. I know that I've had bad relationships, weird relationships and other stuff. It should be easy.

[–]spriggig 1 point2 points ago

Oy, the most common thing for the one who DIDN'T file for divorce to say is "I was blindsided." You NEVER see it coming and you're the last to know. When you are content in a relationship, you are in a fog--you can't see the signs that are right in front of you.

[–]suninabox 1 point2 points ago

Define hard/easy.

[–][deleted] ago

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[–]suninabox 2 points3 points ago

Well you have a computer so you're obviously not stupid enough to not know that isn't the standard for most relationships.

So a relationship gets easy when you start making better choices about who you form relationships with and don't stay with people who make things "hard".

[–][deleted] ago

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[–]suninabox 2 points3 points ago

Most people have the (reasonable) expectation that relationships will be more pleasurable than they're unpleasurable, and not involve epic amounts of lies.

While not all relationships fit this standard, the vast majority are aware its at least a standard to aspire to.

Asking "when does a relationship get easy" assumes that this is something common to relationships, not just fucked up ones.

They don't "get" easy, they either involve 2 intelligent people who are capable of communicating and compromising and treating each other with respect, or they don't, in which case they suck.

If you're asking "when does a relationship that has sucked for years suddenly get better?", 9 times out of 10 the answer is never.

But you already knew that and are just asking to reinforce what you already know to be true.

So here it is. Permission from a random internet stranger to pull the plug on that shitty ass relationship, because you've finally got to the point where your resentments and unhappiness are surpassing your inertia and fear of the mess that will be the break up (and also fear of accepting that you've wasted time with this person for longer than you should have).

[–]weareallfromearth 1 point2 points ago

What's making this one hard?

[–][deleted] ago

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[–]walrusknowsbest 1 point2 points ago

If you never sat down and talked things out before making the decision to make a real go of your relationship, then what reason do you have to think you have a good foundation for that relationship?

You should never just 'fall back' into a relationship with someone who hurt you, or whom you cannot trust.

You need to talk to your partner, then either agree to hash it out and be done with (and by hash it out, i mean have a reasonable, logical, calm discussion of all the points you'd like to discuss) or call it quits if you're banging your head against a wall.

If it's so hard, why on earth are you still struggling to make it work five years later? At what point do you let go? Are there kids involved? Are you married?

[–][deleted] ago

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[–]walrusknowsbest 0 points1 point ago

Sounds like med school will be a nice clean break to have a bit of space, feel brave, and consider what you want from relationships in the future.

I would certainly propose using it as such, anyway.

You're absolutely right that we need to talk though... I don't think I'm ready to discuss anything yet. I can't even think.

It sounds like you've been in a pretty shitty rut for awhile now. Things getting to the point where you can't even talk about it means you've let it go way, way too long between communicating well about things.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

errr it should be easy right from the start ...

[–]sexsmalltown 0 points1 point ago

Relationships...one small word, with a large concept. Relationships should be full of memorable experiences. But, to make it work, it shouldn't ever be "easy" so to say. Relationships, maybe, need conflict, drama and even games to make it work. It just goes to show how strong the love is. It's all natural. If it's truly love, you'll both stick around for the journey. www.sexsmalltown.blogspot.com please, check it out. it's all about relationships and dating.

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