Too ugly for any kind of relationship...

Horatio__Caine · 2 years

I'm not going to say something shallow like "you are beautiful", because

I don't know what you look like.
Some people are ugly. I don't subscribe to this belief that everyone is beautiful in a different way. You might be physically unattractive. Deal with it. Get over it. You will be less sexually attractive to the majority of people. It happens.
An internet stranger telling you "you're beautiful" is not going to increase your self confidence.

Life gives you lemons, grapefruit, or shit. Doesn't matter. Some people are beautiful and brilliant they can skate by in life. Others have to work harder to get somewhere in life. If you don't have the looks to be immediately popular and well-liked, get good at something.

Read Outliers, by Malcolm Gladwell. Choose something to be brilliant at and put in 10,000 hours into it. This isn't a short-term project. You can't change your self-esteem overnight.

The only method you can use to improve your self-esteem in a permanent and meaningful fashion is to become a person that you yourself would admire.

woodyfloyd · 2 years

it's probably has more to do with the way you carry yourself then your actual looks

PublicStranger · 2 years

Your looks won't keep you out of a relationship. People tend to date other people who are similarly attractive. And looks especially won't prevent you from making friends.

There is probably something else that is turning people off from you. Perhaps it's your low self-esteem, or maybe you give off vibes that you want to be left alone. How often do you approach other people or invite them to hang out with you (or do you just wait for them to do the legwork)? Do you have any irritating or offending habits, such as complaining or chewing with your mouth open?

For me, college was a pretty friendless experience, too. I'm fortunate to have been born with a face that is pleasing enough, but that's not as much of a social lubricant as people think it is. The issue is that I'm pretty introverted and shy—so I'm always hanging out alone at home, rarely call anybody, never strike up conversations with strangers, etc. Even with roommates, we never had anything to do with each other outside of sharing a living space.

In recent years, the only times I've made friends is when I've directly pursued them. For example, I am in a relationship now only because I sent a long letter to a guy I'd had a bad crush on for months to tell him I was attracted to him. It was hard to do because I had no idea if he liked me at all, and I was pretty sure I would be rejected.

As it turns out, he had liked me for years and years (much longer than I liked him), but he was never brave enough to say anything, and he likely never would have. If I had waited for him to give me a sign (which is what I usually do with guys I like—it hasn't worked yet, mind you), nothing ever would have happened.

bluequail · 2 years

Reading this, I get the feeling that it isn't about looks. Especially that whole incident about the Chinese food.

Do you maintain proper body hygeine? Do you have a tendency to joke in an off color manner? They would not have invited you out, and then bailed if it was merely a matter of looks.

That plus most people really don't tend to be that shallow. One or two assholes might be, but everyone? No. In fact, most things can be overlooked.

Is it at all possible to contact one of your former friends and explain that you have had long term rejection problems and despite dissecting it in your mind, you don't know what it is? Ask them for honest advice.

Just as an example. Some people that lived next door to us a few decades ago had a little girl that they had adopted. The little girl had some kind of a medical issue that caused an unpleasant body odor. Even if she showered 4 times a day, the odor would still break through. They were able to combat it some with medication. But you may have something like that going on and just not realize it.

But find someone.. a doctor, a family member... anyone to clue you in as to why people don't want to be in close proximity to you. And then address the problem accordingly. I can nearly promise you that it isn't facial looks.

Edit -

I have even known people who have had all the skin on their faces burned off in chem plant explosions that were still able to go on and have a life full of friends, and sometimes even relationships after that fact. It was a matter of personality... and not looks.

RobotBuddha · 2 years

The "one who got away" for me was an ugly girl. She could never get over her looks, and just couldn't understand that even if her body wasn't beautiful she was to me. It's been something like ten years now, and I still think about her. I wasn't great looking back then, but a fair amount of people said I was cute. Of course then I took a car to the face :) So I get the other side of your post quite well.

I am ugly now, even if I have a nice body. That's just the way it is. Even with that though, I've had a fairly full love life since the accident. Keeping a good body is ultra important though if you have anything wrong with the face.

Saydrah · 2 years

Without photos it's hard to say if you really are ugly, but in any case, I suspect people are picking on you because you've internalized that criticism and become basically a permanent victim. If anything bad happens to you socially, it's because you're ugly (in your mind). If someone calls you ugly or bullies you, it's because you're ugly, not because that person is a bully or because you just looked like a good victim to them.

Every woman has been called ugly at some point in her life. The pop star P!nk was told to lose weight and have cosmetic surgery if she wanted a recording contract. She did neither, at least not initially. Victoria Beckham is an international style icon, yet many people find her appearance grotesque and ugly. The star of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" was told she'd never play a romantic lead, even in the film she wrote, without a nose job and losing 15 pounds.

When I was a teenager, I participated in a forum where I at one point posted a webcam picture that was pretty awful--I didn't think anything of it, I just wanted to show my online friends a picture of my workplace, but it ended up becoming a meme in that group to talk about how ugly I was. I personally am happy with my appearance as an adult, but as a teen that was crushing. Good for me in the long run because it actually was a big factor in my ceasing to place a lot of value on others' opinions of my looks, and gave me a ton of self-confidence in the end, but at first I really thought I was ugly.

If you think you look terrible, you'll probably walk, pose for pictures, smile, talk, etc., in ways that show your low self-esteem as clear as day. That makes you a target for bullies looking for an easy victim.

Post some pics if you feel up to it, but regardless of how you really look, I suggest working on your self-esteem. Some makeup skills might not hurt either (have you seen Britney Spears without makeup? She looks like Shrek!) as well as maybe an update on your style. Take some ballroom dance or martial arts classes to develop your posture and a confident demeanor.

tidderor · 2 years

Ditto the folks that are saying it's not your looks.

I know many "ugly" (overweight/unattractive) women that have good relationships with people. They're the rule, not the exception.

I know only one ugly woman that doesn't have friends or a relationship. She's the exception. She's not good looking, but that's not the problem. It's her sad sack personality that turns everyone off. She's a negative nelly that doesn't engage anyone in conversation, unless it's to complain about how bad her life is.

I don't know if you're coming across as negatively as she is, but I wonder if you need a change in your approach. When you're talking to people, do you smile? Laugh? Have positive or interesting things to talk about? Show interest in others, by asking questions and really listening to the answers? Those are the things that make people want you around.

My guess is that if you focus on doing those things that's 90% of the battle. Combine that with some positive changes to your appearance (think haircut, clothes, makeup), not so much to make yourself pretty to others, but to give you the confidence to walk into that room with a smile on your face, and I bet you'll get an entirely different response from people around you.

jjumpman3 · 2 years

pics?

llieaay · 2 years

I don't need pics to tell you that you are not ugly. You are jumping around desperately trying to figure out what about you is ugly - that's a good sign that nothing is.

You at first think you are too fat. Fat people have friends, and fat people date. In any case you figure out that being fat isn't the problem by losing weight and realizing that it did not help you. Then you blame it on just looking plain. You've been obsessing about how ugly you are, but you can't name an ugly feature. Even if you were ugly, ugly people have friends and often date too - so that's not your problem.

My guess as to what is your problem?

I think that you are not putting yourself anywhere where people typically make friends. The usual advice is to join clubs or other activities - or if you like parties go to parties. A lot of schools have 'grad student mixers' or other things like that.
I also think that your crushingly low self esteem is probably causing you to clamp down on all your social flirting. If you meet someone and you have decided from the start that you are not going to be friends with him or her than the likelihood is that you won't. Guys who are attracted to you are not going to hit on you if they feel that their advances are unwelcome.
It's impossible to really know what's up from an internet post. I would go talk to a professional. I generally hate therapists - but they can sit down with you and figure out what exactly your problem is and how to solve it. They'll have information about your demeanor and looks and instant feedback that reddit does not have.

Finally, I am a grad student, and my god are my classmates lonely.

epicmoo · 2 years

Everyone's asking for photos. Fuck photos, they're missing the point. I don't care how you look, I just read 8 heart-felt paragraphs and you seem cool and interesting! I married my wife for her mind and her heart. Best decision I ever made in my life.

Find people with similar interests, develop friendships and your confidence will increase, allowing you to develop more friendships and so on. Intellect, humor, and confidence are the high beauties.

Look, I know sexiness is important to girls. But I hope you realize that your mind is you. I love that you're kicking ass in school and that you apparently appreciate plays.

Think of it this way, being "unattractive" is a great way to filter out the shallow idiots (including men who just want a hot girl) so that you can find the people who value you.

Until you develop friends locally, you got a whole Reddit community of people here for you, including me. Feel free to orange-envelope me anytime.

Protophobic · 2 years

This post makes me so sad. Are you in the Boston area? You can be my friend! (Im a dude, and yes I'm good looking and nice)

PublicStranger · 2 years

It sounds like self-esteem is a big part of your issue.

My advice to you is "fake it til you make it". Go out of the house in the morning thinking you are the most beautiful person to have ever graced the earth. Smile at everyone you meet like you are the queen meeting her public. Come in to a room expecting that people are going to be drawn to you and your beauty. Don't ever, EVER think someone is making fun of you. You're awesome, why would they?

This might sound absolutely ridiculous at first, but I guarantee it will work. There have been so many physically unattractive people that elevate themselves to beauty queens solely on the basis of their sparkling personalities.

highonzovirax · 2 years

Making new friends / being invited to a party is hard work, even for the pretty people.
Don't isolate yourself, even if it hurts to go outside.
Don't sell yourself cheaply. Claim ownership for everything you are, it doesn't belong to anybody else (even your ugliness is part of your personal empire).
You've been scripted to perceive yourself as ugly. Go to a psychologist. He'll allow you to be pretty. It's like lifting a bad spell.
A man will fall in love with you when he sees something in you that is part of himself. Prettiness helps, but love depends on more parameters.
There are more of us ugly motherfuckers.

llieaay · 2 years

Another point I am not sure if I should mention (since it does not come across in your writing) is aspergers - it's possible that you are missing social cues. This is another good reason to go to a professional and see what they say.

chromatin · 2 years

This is going to be a tough problem for reddit to solve. It sounds like there may be some social issues or behaviors that might be limiting your connection to other people.

I would suggest you see a counselor and get their honest opinion. People are notoriously bad at self-evaluation and it might be that you are just not seeing the problem.

SmartAssX · 2 years

pics?

tuki · 2 years

omg, ladies raise your hand if this post made you want to do a breakfast club style makeover so badddd

WTHisgoinon · 2 years

I hope it feels good to get that out of your system. I just wanted to share a couple things from my(29 M) point of view.

I find personality and self confidence far more sexy then physical beauty. You don't need to be skinny, you don't need huge tits, you don't need look like a model, you don't need blah blah blah blah. What you do need is to be yourself and be proud of that. If you're worried that you think you're ugly and people are rejecting you because of that you walk into every situation on the defensive or read every ones reaction to you as a slight to your looks. About 5 or 6 years ago i met a girl on an online dating site, she didn't have a picture but her profile really appealed to me. When i met her i was taken aback because she wasn't what i considered attractive. She had a birth defect that caused her skull to be misshapen so her face wasn't close to being symmetrical. But wow was she funny, was planning on grad studies for physics, she spent a year in the amazon jungle with lots of interesting stories, and she played baseball. It didn't take me long to move past what threw me off of her looks. Between you and I and the rest of reddit i thought this chic was the shit. So what i am getting at is if you think you're all personality and no looks... then BE PERSONALITY. Don't hide it behind fears and worries over something truely trivial like looks and beauty.

Men won't make fun of your looks. Child-men will.

I don't care what my friends look like and i don't think many people do.

Reconnect with your old friends.

that's it. I wish you the best in this new year. maybe if you let reddit know where you're from you can make some true real life reddit friends. :)

THR · 2 years

Nothing ugly about you as a person, that's for sure. You're clearly articulate, intelligent, and irrespective of your physical look, your personality is your most important attribute. hugs

kennyreborn · 2 years

It's a good thing you were able to write all of this. I have a feeling this will help you one way or another.

It's unfortunate that in today's society so much importance is given to external appearances. This importance is borne more out of fear than sincerity. To be with someone who is not judged as conventionally pretty is to worry more about what others think about you than what you think of yourself or your partner.

This is not your own problem. No matter what you look like, you cannot be ugly without judgement and nobody's judgement can touch your soul without your permission.

A lot of us don't know what we're doing or on what basis we make these judgements. We don't even understand ourselves fully, so don't take us people of the world too seriously.

There is absolutely no reason for you to lose confidence in yourself. Make the best decisions you can, stay healthy and generally be good. Everything will be OK.

Here's wishing you love, peace and happiness.

harvey-birdman · 2 years

Except for relationships, I place absolutely no weight on looks when I interact with people. It actually pisses me off to no end when my judgemental relatives say something about a friend of mine who may be plain looking or obese or something.

I find it hard to believe that you've had bad social experiences that they are based on your looks. Unless you know for a fact that you're being ignored based on your looks then it's most likely just in your mind (bullies don't count; they're assholes anyway).

Don't let how you think you look get to you. If you do then your body language will likely show a lack of confidence or low self-esteem. Show yourself as confident and easy to converse with; making friends should be a bit easier (and practice makes it easier still). You'd also be surprised how much personality counts above looks when looking for a relationship. As long as you're fun to be around, someone is eventually going to take a special interest in you.

Edit: so I thought I'd throw in a little something I went through a couple of years back in case it cheers you up. I thought it was pretty amusing though and I've never mentioned it to my newer friends:

Back in school, around 5 years, a bad haircut and 15 extra Kg ago, I was directing this model UN (yeah I was pretty nerdy-although for some reason MUNs were considered 'cool' in my school). To throw in a bit of fun, the guys organising the thing went around one day and kicked directors out so they could ask the committee some quirky questions (one being 'who finds the director attractive?'). I got absolutely no 'yes' replies. Pretty bad for a room of 50 people. I heard it was pretty awkward for everyone there. So this one one guy gives me a sympathy yes. Poor guy got a bit of a hard time for doing it (jokes that he was gay etc, but only in good humour). I actually became good friends with him though. Gave him a half-hug-pat-on-the-back thing when his team won (more gay jokes ensue).

I never over-analysed any of that though. I've always felt good about myself. I had loads of good friends back then and I'm still making new friends these days. A few weeks back one friend (who I had known for about 2 days) seemed really impressed with me and asked me why I didn't have a girlfriend. Must have been the stories I told him about me being into tango, or going to a ball with two lady friends who went dressed in burlesque, or chilling with him over a smoke, or telling him about a recent pickup attempt that went really really badly (i meant to tell the girl, who I kind of knew from a few years ago, that she looked nice and instead for some reason told her that she looked 'better' - we were both like wtf did I just say that for...).

Well, my point being that I've never being regarded as all that good looking (1 sympathy vote out of 50 from a guy?! COME ON!). But I've still had great times and good friends over the years.

samoyed · 2 years

Look around you- do you think you are the ugliest girl you've ever seen? I'm willing to bet you aren't, and I'd also bet some of those girls who are uglier than you have friends and boyfriends. Your attitude is the causal factor here, not your appearance.

Lately, I've been just looking at myself in a mirror, and telling myself that I have a pretty face. That the way I see myself isn't the same as how everyone else sees me. You've probably heard of Body Dismorphic Disorder, where women think they're far larger than they really are. I think women can have a similar problem with regards to their own looks. Even if it's not true, convincing myself that I look good changes how I act around others.

It doesn't work all the time. Sometimes I'll be talking to someone and I'll think, 'why is he even listening to me? There's no way I'm good enough for him.' You might do the same thing. Just remember, people are talking to you. They want to hear what you have to say. Work on developing your social skills- that's something you actually can change. Once you have a few friends, you'll get more comfortable talking to other people, and they'll be able to introduce you to people you'll be more interested in getting to know.

I hope this helps. It sounds like you could be my doppelganger, so feel free to PM me if you want to talk about it more privately.

[deleted] · 2 years

You are probably wrong.

Clbull · 2 years

I agree with what other people are saying. A photo of you would make it a lot easier to give feedback.

celticagent · 2 years

Downvoted because OP never replied to posts or posted a picture.

unverified_vagrants · 2 years

Firstly, younger people are usually shallow. You'll find that the older you get, the less picky about looks people are. However, looks are still a normal part of the social process but there's thing you can do to help if you truly believe that you are of average or below average looks.

First off, straight teeth. Get braces if you need them. Secondly, get on a consistent workout routine. Getting fit not only boosts your own confidence, but it shows others that you have drive, commitment, and that you're active. Finally, find other hobbies that require interaction with others. Join meetup groups.

szukai · 2 years

Here's a horrible idea. Post your picture on hotornot.com

If you want, you can post a picture where you have make up on and look all nice and stuff. I'd advise just a regular old picture that resembles what you look like on your average.

If you get anything above a 4/5 I think that'll be enough consensus that it's not your looks. I haven't used the site enough to know how the website differs from "normal perception", but it's somewhere you can start with an anonymous picture.

Megling1285 · 2 years

I bet you're beautiful and someone will find you as such. Maybe you're not the hottest girl on the block, I'm not either, I have struggled with weight my entire life. You are clearly smart, and nice, and have made friends before. The sad truth is you might have to put out a little bit more effort than someone who is beautiful in the traditional sense ( traditional is fucking boring if you ask me), but you will probably end up with better friends and relationships because of it.

You will find someone, because you are not ugly, keep your head up and try all the suggestions people have put forth, if you live in MA we can be friends, I love friends.

hgielrehtaeh · 2 years

Uma Thurman.

God, that woman is hideous.

But she still dates, has friends, and is widely respected as an actress. So you should stop using your looks as a crutch and realize that maybe it's something off putting about your personality.

Rhode · 2 years

This makes me sad because it reminds me of my ex-girlfriend. She's convinced she's ugly when in fact she's totally beautiful. I used to get compliments from my friends and whatnot about her looks, but she never believed me when I would tell her about it. She was convinced she was ugly, and it affected the way she would handle social encounters. She would meet people for the first time and her mind was already made up that they wouldn't like her because of her appearance. Her defeatism and self-loathing undermined every social situation she engaged in, and all the potential relationships she could have developed. It eventually contributed to our break-up, and she probably still doesn't even understand that even though I explained it to her in agonizing detail. She has self-image issues that are so deeply rooted that she can't even see her own face when she looks in the mirror. I guess that's what it's like for people with eating disorders that see themselves as overweight even when they're severely underweight, they simply don't have the ability judge themselves objectively.

Maybe you're ugly, maybe you're not, I don't know. I do know, however, that if you're not overweight and you don't have some other crazy thing going on like bad hygiene or some kind of physical deformity, there's nothing stopping you from developing and maintaining relationships and finding a guy. I know it sounds corny but you need to stop trying to be good enough for other people and instead start looking for people that are good enough for you.

metalola · 2 years

oh my dear, taste is so subjective. There are so many women who break molds and look great despite not being a classic beauty. Even androgyny can be beautiful when you work with what you've got. The important thing is your attitude. Believe that you dont fit the mold but that there is still something charming about you. I dont believe for a second that ANYONE must be ugly. You describe yourself as plain, masculine maybe, but no deformities or bad skin. That sounds beautiful to me already. Get your eyebrows tweezed, cut long bangs and wear a little makeup. Send me your pic privately and I can give you advice maybe. I was a total loser in high school, boys would literally recoil when passing me in the halls and make puking noises behind my back, and yet today at 23, I've been on runways, photo shoots, music videos.. I'm an actress and model and I play love interests and hot girls. Confidence and attitude make such a difference.

mrcassavetes · 2 years

This may be the saddest thing i've read on reddit. I don't really have any advice, I think we'd have to meet you/see you in order to give you any true feedback that would help.

rogerssucks · 2 years

You do not want the company of people who are shallow enough to make fun of you for how you look. It's their loss if they don't want to befriend you.

[deleted] · 2 years

confidence significantly makes people more attractive and by your post, you seem to not have much. I'd focus more on getting that up.

Apart from that, its hard to make friends, especially when one is later in life and when social interactions aren't forced. And shyness, which I assume you have a bit of, can be a killer. I'm only an undergrad but am working at a graduate lab and am/was scared to death of making friends there. But these are people you see often and make good friend candidates and good targets to boost your confidence. I'd recommend suggesting a get together after someone finishes a project. You can host if you like. Get some food, some booze, and see where the chips throw themselves. Thats how I first started meeting people at the lab, and while I still have some social anxiety, it has dramatically lessened.

AnnArchist · 2 years

lower your standards.

but we are really going to need pics.

formode · 2 years

You're not ugly dear.

You're very very beautiful. Open your eyes.

metameme · 2 years

We are losers too! Come to Perkasie, PA we have snax

[deleted] · 2 years

I'm sorry if this hurts, but it seems that you have a shit personality. People can see if you are depressed and they feed off it. If you have no self esteem, people will bully you. I used to work with a girl that seems to be like you. She was very depressed and strange. She had issues which she projected onto other people. It just turned me off completley. She was average looking, but it was the personality that made me try to stab myself in the eye. Look I'm at your stage now (I have really good friends though to support me) What you need to do is get over your depression, goto the gym, buy some nice clothes and pretty yourself up. If you are confident, people will see that and enjoy it. It seems that you have been in a mental rut for so long you have just given up.

lintacious · 2 years

but I think it was only because we both shared a common interest that's fairly rare among college students

This seems like a good reason to be friends with a person.

mndt · 2 years

There are no ugly women only lazy ones. And you are hearing this from a man that has lived a life with a spectrum of different faces from ugly to handsome.

Wo1ke · 2 years

Bullshit, I've met girls that I've initially thought were hideous, but having intense attractions to after actually getting to know them.

EDIT: As far as advice goes: stop thinking about it. Seriously, special attention to things like that always shows, and given your self-esteem, it just comes off as sad. Learn to not give a fuck; beyond basic hygiene, etc. Have fun on your own, have hobbies of your own, etc. People will come.

[deleted] · 2 years

In your post you come across as a remarkably well adjusted and thoughtful person. Lots of people look for friends with those qualities, and in fact they seem to be in short supply. It's just that they're often not obvious until you've spent a lot of time with someone.

mvsac · 2 years

What EXACTLY do you consider ugly about your face? Big nose, ears, lips, something else? Facial hair? Crooked, yellow teeth? What exactly do you think the problem is?

jeremybub · 2 years

This is why the world is unfair :(

redditmethat · 2 years

You are not too ugly to have friends or to be part of a relationship. Everyone deserves those things and your looks cannot change that. Perhaps the guy you walked around talking about plays with was interested in you but you were so unsure of yourself and his motivations that he never felt comfortable making a move. Perhaps if you found things about yourself that you value and appreciate, others would follow. Perhaps you have chronic halitosis. If you truly think this is only about your looks, I suggest you find a person you really trust and just ask them about it. Do you have a sibling? They're notorious for brutal honesty. If you don't want to do that, you can PM me a pic if you feel up to it. I promise to be honest without being mean. Your call.

Truth be told, in order to fix anything you're going to have to follow Saydrah's advice and work on your self esteem. If you wouldn't even hang out with yourself, how can you expect others to jump at the chance? It's not impossible though and it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, so you should be able to do it. Good luck!

reconditecache · 2 years

Being pretty or not is never such a big issue. Haven't you seen a couple wandering around that is just so hideous or obese that you can't understand how they can even touch each other's hands? I mean, how did they even look up from scarfing Crisco long enough to find each other? Fuck that, how do they afford all the liquor that is obviously required for them to attempt to has sex with each other?! It boggles.

Point is, looks are completely relative. Case in point, I like butch girls. I only know this because my buddy and I are never attracted to the same women. I think that's awesome because we'll never fight over girls, but it's also interesting as hell in the fact that it's fun to figure out what things we're each attracted to. I think well-toned shoulders are hot. He likes softer more dainty girls.

Which one of us is wrong?

breakneckridge · 2 years

Just throwing my 2 cents into the tidal wave of similar opinions already here. The problem is not your looks, I guarantee it. If you improve your self-esteem, outgoingness, and other similar traits then I'm sure you'll get more friends and suitors than you know what to do with.

[deleted] · 2 years

Wow, I am so sorry you feel this way. I hope you can overcome this.

Believe it or not, people of all shapes and sizes can and do manage to have social lives and sex lives. Everybody is self-conscious about their appearance, but especially young people, and a lot of 'pretty' people are much more insecure about their appearance than everyone else -- that's why they spend so much time and money on makeup/clothes.

There's a lot of cognitive issues evident in your post. That bit about meeting people who 'actually' wanted to talk to you is textbook disqualifying the positive. How do you know that these people didn't really want to get to know you and spend time with you? You're assuming it based on your feelings of worthlessness.

It sounds like you've had a rough time growing up. You've internalized your feelings of inferiority and haven't dealt with them in a healthy way. I think you need to concentrate on what you do like about yourself instead of focusing on what you feel you are lacking. What makes you happy?

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