An international panel of scientists are seeking research funding for the hypothesis that Rick Santorum has the most punchable face in the world. The evidence is strong, and suggests that even brief exposure to his facial features, voice, and opinions elicits production of a chemical called PH-5 in the brain that causes uncontrollable rage. Early trials have been conducted, and the results were promising; sets of ten individuals were shown a video of Santorum discussing his political stances, and an average of 8.7 out of 10 subjects punched holes in their monitors.

The panel is led by New York neuroscientist Martin Hendricks, MD/PhD, who has been digging at the roots of biological aggression for over 19 years.

"We've had this particular experimental framework in place for several years, but up until now, we were lacking a universal target," says Dr. Hendricks. "For a while, we thought we might be on to something with Spencer Pratt, but he was most likely doomed to transience from the start, and we weren't able to complete our tests before he became completely irrelevant. But Santorum is just an incredible specimen. I've never seen anyone who evokes such visceral rage so consistently."

Santorum's face is so potent, in fact, that Hendricks and his team have to be careful not to look directly at any of the portraits they use for testing.

"It's a very volatile environment, as is to be expected whenever you're working with such dangerous materials," explains Dr. Hendricks. "We have to wear protective equipment. It's very surreal to be surrounded by men and women, academics and doctors at the height of our field, all wearing special blinders to avoid catching a dangerous dose of Santorum in their peripheral vision and heavily padded gloves just in case an exposure somehow occurs."

If the funding goals are met, Hendricks hopes to be able to study the effects with a larger sample size.

"Some people do seem to be immune, and we've found that very often these people have a remarkably high punchability quotient themselves. We'd like to study the relationship behind this correlation."

Hendricks would also like to examine Santorum in person, though the feasibility of this is in question due to an array of complications.

"I would be interested in going straight to the source, as it were, yes. However, in addition to the difficulty of access, there's also the matter of safety. Even still images very quickly produce levels of PH-5 high enough to override basic motor function in most subjects, and audio/video representations multiply that tenfold. Actually getting that close to the real thing could be very risky, especially if he were to speak. It's entirely possible that that kind of raw, direct proximity exposure could result in brain hemorrhaging."

Despite the danger involved, there are clear benefits to be found in Dr. Hendricks' research; he believes that it may be possible to harness Santorum's condition.

"If we can isolate the part of the brain that produces PH-5 and come to understand why, there are all kinds of practical applications for it, not least of which is energy. PH-5 reactions cause the brain to produce a unique electromagnetic signature we're calling the wide tetrafaltric wave. One of my colleagues is working on a receiver that could intercept and amplify these waves and convert them into electricity. If his calculations are correct, we may be on the cusp of 100% clean, infinitely sustainable energy. His numbers suggest that a single person looking at an image of Rick Santorum accompanied by a quote (both carefully filtered to avoid dangerous exposure, of course) for just five minutes produces enough WTF waves to power a quarter of New York City for an hour. Santorum and WTF energy may be the energy source of the future."