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[–]WilWheatonMustDie 54 points55 points ago*

he. is. taking. advantage. of. you. Stop letting him! It's utter bullshit for him to say he finds it gross but then expects you to love sucking him off. Him crying....is an act because he knows he can take advantage of your unwillingness to stand up for yourself. If he really cared and felt bad when you brought it up he wouldn't just cry and then use that as a way to guilt you into doing what he wants anyway. Stand up for yourself! Tell him he's being selfish, immature, and manipulative. Don't let him guilt you into doing something you're not comfortable doing! He's being controlling and abusive (depending on your personal definition of the word, in my opinion, this is abuse) and don't put up with it.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 4 points5 points ago

I know. I give in to the tears way too easily. It's hard not to when you love someone; but I'm kind of to the point now where it's just pissing me off instead of making me feel guilty. He's admitted he didn't love the girl he didn't it for...But if he loves me, shouldn't that count for something?

[–][deleted] ago

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[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

Any advice on how to break it to him and not get overwhelmed by the tears?

[–][deleted] ago

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[–]donchawannafanta[S] 1 point2 points ago

I..am going to be entirely honest with you. I don't think I'm strong enough in this relationship to end it, if it came to me making the ultimate decision.

[–][deleted] ago

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[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

I don't think the relationship is lost, I think he's gaining more from it sexually than I am. I went into the relationship a virgin to everything, and I've given it all to him. More than likely, he's the one I'll be spending my life with, because before this, despite being a kind of attractive girl, I was FA. I just don't want this to end because of his selfishness.

[–][deleted] ago

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[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

You're absolutely right. Thank you.

[–]observing 0 points1 point ago

More than likely, he's the one I'll be spending my life with, because before this, despite being a kind of attractive girl, I was FA. I just don't want this to end because of his selfishness.

Being afraid of being alone is a very bad reason to stay in a relationship! And selfishness is a perfectly valid reason to leave a relationship if it makes you unhappy and if you are not being treated equally. Relationships are about communication and being equal partners (give and take). Can you image being married to this person and being treated this way for years?

I would hate for you to feel trapped or like "this is the best I can do" because you were a virgin before you met him. I bet guys would fall over themselves to be with an awesome person like yourself - you just have to find one who is mature enough to understand what makes a good partner.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

I want him to be the one I do spend my life with. But, I'd like for him to mature up.

[–]Release_the_KRAKEN 2 points3 points ago

Side note but aren't you afraid that WilWheaton will come for you pre-emptively?

[–][deleted] ago

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[–]Release_the_KRAKEN 1 point2 points ago

You...want to death by snoo snoo him? o0

[–]WilWheatonMustDie 0 points1 point ago

There's a nice way of saying it lol, I don't really want him dead :C I just watch too much TBBT

[–]Release_the_KRAKEN 1 point2 points ago

I don't know what TBBT is :(

[–]WilWheatonMustDie 0 points1 point ago

The Big Bang Theory ^ _ ^ reddit seems to dislike it, but I like it dammit

[–]Release_the_KRAKEN 1 point2 points ago

Then you shouldn't give a single fuck about what reddit thinks now should you?

[–]WilWheatonMustDie 0 points1 point ago

I do not! :3

[–]Release_the_KRAKEN 1 point2 points ago

[–]trih3lix 12 points13 points ago

Say you can't give it to him any more because you find it gross, watch how quickly he changes his mind. Source: I'm a man.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 4 points5 points ago

I realize he's being selfish. But I don't want to be selfish in return. Seriously. I've thought about trying that. But I can't find it in me to do it.

[–]InfinitelyThirsting 12 points13 points ago

You have to. Oral shouldn't be tracked in equality, it's not about keeping score, but it does come standard. It's not just a disparity, he's being a spoiled ass about it. Would you give a child cookies even if they were misbehaving and breaking promises and being terrible? Stop giving him cookies. If he wants oral, he can earn it, at this point.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 5 points6 points ago

Right. I think I've earned it. Hell, I'm the man in this relationship. Which is a whole other story. Thank you, people of Reddit. I am starting to see some self worth.

[–]TheSmokingGNU 1 point2 points ago

One thing I've learned? ALWAYS see the self worth. If you don't, then no one else will. You'll get walked on, and they may not mean to, but they will take over other facets of your life as well. Frankly, I don't know what the hell his problem is, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But, that's just me, I like to give. :P

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

I like to give, too. Which is why he always gets his way.

[–]TheSmokingGNU 2 points3 points ago

ah, but giving too much is a problem too... I've had to learn to moderate myself in this regard.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

I understand. Honestly, I'm willing to give, and not take any at all. But in this situation, I just find not taking completely absurd. And him not giving as selfishness.

[–]TheSmokingGNU 0 points1 point ago

That's both true and correct about the selfishness. It's definitely absurd to not ask, but you shouldn't just give and not receive. If you truly don't mind, then that's not my place to judge, but... he should at least be an adult about these things.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

I do mind. I really do. I just don't want to hurt HIM. Am I the only one seeing a problem here?

[–]camelliagirl 1 point2 points ago

Yeah, I mean, if he was abused by a woman who made him give her oral...that's one thing. But thinking it's "gross?" He's a straight man!

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

There was no abuse at all.

[–]camelliagirl 1 point2 points ago

Then, honestly, dump him. Not just because of the oral. But because a good sexual partner is not "someone who never gives what I ask for in bed." That's enough reason to stop your sexual relationship--he just doesn't seem ready for it. And from other threads, it seems like the relationship is a real stress point for you. Do what's best for yourself honey.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 1 point2 points ago

Which is sad, because he's older than me.

[–]silverscreemer 0 points1 point ago

...how much older?

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

two years.

[–]trih3lix -1 points0 points ago

respectable.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 1 point2 points ago

One of us in the relationship has to be.

[–]cachinnate 10 points11 points ago

You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Don't let him trick you into anything. I think you need to break up with him and try dating someone who respects you.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

I like pleasing him, because he is my boyfriend. And he pleases me...For the most part. I just can't get past the fact that he won't go above and beyond for me like I strive to do, every single moment of our relationship.

[–]cachinnate 7 points8 points ago

If he won't go above and beyond for you, then you shouldn't do it for him. You don't exist to serve him. You are your own person who deserves respect and to be treated like a human being, not a servant.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

That is true...I just can't take up for myself. Jeez.

[–]WetBiscuitSuit 1 point2 points ago

Follow this man's advice. Guy here, and I'll never ever force / manipulate a girlfriend into anything she doesn't like. I've been with girls who did not like going down and lived with that because that wasn't everything.

Also, guy who does not like cunnilingus? Weird.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

He has a burning hatred for it because of his ex.

[–]LZcurlygirl 0 points1 point ago

Stop giving oral to him. Just stick to the other stuff.

Also, please reconsider this relationship...a man who cries and doesn't give head scares me.

Good luck

[–]silverscreemer 7 points8 points ago

You are an awesome girlfriend.

Not every guy thinks it's gross you know :)

Find a guy that actually likes you.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 1 point2 points ago

See? Why can't he think these things? It's not that I think he doesn't like me. He just loves himself more.

[–]silverscreemer 1 point2 points ago

Well of course he likes you, I'm sure you're very attractive.

A lot of people are just self centered.

If you want to talk anytime, just send me a message. Sounds like you have a lot to deal with.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

I consider myself a pretty attractive girl. I just don't think he sees that. And thanks, I'll be sure to do that.

[–]Saydrah 12 points13 points ago

Sweetheart, I've read all of your comments in this thread, and for fuck's sake, break up with him. You love him because... he was your first and before that you didn't have anyone? That's a terrible excuse for love! The antithesis of loneliness isn't love, it's companionship, and you can get more out of a relationship than just companionship from a selfish wimp who uses tears to get his way and makes you feel ugly.

Listen. I've been there. Stayed with my first for about four years more than I should have. But I finally ended it, we were both better off, and we're still friends. Don't wait four or six or twenty years to stand up for yourself and make a change. This guy is taking advantage and not treating you right because he knows you're afraid to be alone.

If you're anywhere near Denver, break up with this guy, and we are going out and we will find you a rebound in under twenty minutes. It is not hard to find someone new. It's hard to find love, yes, but guess what? You haven't found it yet. What you found is called codependency. You can settle for that, or you can keep looking and find love, in due time.

[–]TheSmokingGNU 3 points4 points ago

This. (S)he also has a great point. I just got done reading the rest of the comments... dude is just using you. Sorry, but I can fake tears whenever the hell I want, and I don't have to try very hard to do it. I use it for the stage, he uses it for evil.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 1 point2 points ago

I'm actually going to college in Colorado next year. Just saying. I hate to say it, but I know I should break up with him. I really do. But...I do love him. I loved him before he was my first. Him taking my virtue was just the dealbreaker.

[–]Saydrah 2 points3 points ago

I'm not in your head; maybe you do love him. I kinda doubt you know what love is yet--nothing against you, I'm not sure I've ever really been in romantic love and I've had multiple, relatively healthy long-term relationships--but maybe you do. On the other hand, he doesn't love you if he treats you like this, and you're definitely codependent. Love ain't enough. You are capable of loving far more people than you are capable of spending the rest of your life monogamously committed to.

Let me know when you get out here. We'll hang out and meet boys. Hell, I have one your age-ish (21) in Denver who is fuckin' ADORABLE that I could so introduce you to.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 1 point2 points ago

I'd be all for that.

[–]cheester 5 points6 points ago

I swear to god. I see girls going out with the worlds biggest mommas boys. Holy shit where are you? I'll do it!

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 1 point2 points ago

Ha, TN. I'm tired of defending him. He is a bit of a mama's boy.

[–]cheester 0 points1 point ago

sorry, what's TN?

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 1 point2 points ago

Tennessee.

[–]cheester 1 point2 points ago

Your a ten, I see :) @}--;---

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 1 point2 points ago

:D That actually made me smile.

[–]cheester 0 points1 point ago

hope you have a good day!

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 1 point2 points ago

You too!

[–]worktossaway 5 points6 points ago

If he cries again when you bring it up, walk away and tell him the discussion can resume when he's ready to act like an adult in an adult relationship.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 1 point2 points ago

That's the thing. He refuses to act like an adult at all. I've moved out, tried to better myself. He lives with his parents, sits at home, plays video games and smokes.

[–]InfinitelyThirsting 5 points6 points ago

So he's never even tried it with you? Every girl tastes different. Maybe he was traumatised by something, but that's no excuse. Make it easy on him. Take a shower first. And if he doesn't do it, stop giving him oral until he does. He doesn't have to go down on you after a marathon, but if he can't lick that flower when it's inarguably fresh and clean, that's his problem. He's a jerk for not trying at all. Make it easy, but if he still refuses, realise that means he doesn't respect you or care about your feelings.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

He doesn't even get near my flower with his face. He refuses to try, period. Want to hear something even funnier? Everytime I give him oral, he won't kiss me until I've brushed my teeth.

[–]TheSmokingGNU 1 point2 points ago

That's crap. Read this It has some good stuff there for you to think about.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

Thank you so much. I definitely will.

[–]OtherMikeP 4 points5 points ago

Isn't him crying about not wanting to go down on you a huge turn off?

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

It is, but it makes me feel bad.

[–]OM4E098 5 points6 points ago

he... cries?

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

He crieds like a baby.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

cries....yes.

[–]Fat_Alberta 2 points3 points ago

There's nothing selfish about telling somebody else they're being selfish. Call him out on it. It's not like you're intentionally trying to hurt or emasculate him. The goal of physical intimacy should be to provide a mutually pleasing experience. I'm not always crazy about oral, but I love pleasing my girlfriend. He should man up and do the same.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

I don't want to hurt him. But before I actually got comfortable with doing it for him, he made a point to try and make me feel bad about not doing it for him.

[–]Fat_Alberta 2 points3 points ago

Well, it's not like you want to chain his head down and physically force him to do it. Though it isn't quid pro quo, intimacy is a two-way street; that much he should understand. If you're going to go above and beyond for him, there's no real reason for him not to do the same for you. That's not selfishness; that's a relationship, and both of you have a responsibility to hold each other accountable. So hold him accountable :)

P.S. -- It may not be my place to say anything, but that's really messed up that he guilted you into doing that for him while he bursts into tears when you ask him to reciprocate.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 1 point2 points ago

It is messed up. It really is. And I've always felt like it isn't my place to say anything, he'll come around...But, to be upright honest, I am TIRED of waiting on him to come around!

[–]Fat_Alberta 0 points1 point ago

It's always your place to be open and honest. Open communication is vital to any relationship, both in the physical aspects and the emotional ones. I'm sure he'll come around eventually, too, but if something's bothering you, you have an obligation to say it -- and he an obligation to listen.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

HA! Him listening... That sounds like a whole new journey in itself.

[–]Fat_Alberta 0 points1 point ago

It's one he's going to have to take, though. A lot of guys aren't willing to listen because it damages their pride or their vanity or because they don't want to man up and admit they're wrong, but admitting you're wrong and listening are just part of being a real man -- or a decent human being, for that matter; it really isn't gender specific. The primary reason for failed relationships is poor communication. Almost anything can be solved with proper communication, and anything it can't solve can at least be prevented. From what you've said, it sounds like you do a good job at listening to him, and I can understand why you're hesitant to say anything given his previous reactions. If he's not willing to listen, though, it'll lead to more than just sexual dissatisfaction down the line. It'll breed pestilence and an unhealthy relationship, and I'm sure neither of you want that.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 1 point2 points ago

I don't think either of us want that; you're right. I just don't see where we went wrong.

[–]Fat_Alberta 0 points1 point ago

Well, it's not that you went wrong anywhere, per se. Even if we know how to communicate, we don't always know what to communicate. If there are problems with one or both, the good news is that these things can be fixed: it will just require dedication from both of you and a mutual desire to rectify things. If he really cares about you and the relationship you have together, he'll comply. I'm speaking from experience

[–]mgnplz 2 points3 points ago

He cried? Sounds like manipulation to me.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

He did. Bucketloads.

[–]perry_cox 1 point2 points ago

Come to /r/sex, there were few post like this in the past. (I'm really sorry that I can't provide links right now.)

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

Thanks, I'll come over there and do some searching.

[–]Matchphoria 1 point2 points ago

You have to ask yourself if receiving oral is an important enough issue to you to end a relationship over. If it is, then its definitely something you should bring up. What I'm trying to say is sometimes partners like different things and find different things extremely important in the sack. Does he do anything else that you ask him to do? Also, if he truly is disgusted by it, there are toys you two can get that he can use on you that simulate the oral experience. Kind of a compromise. I dunno if this helps at, but I hope it does. Good luck!

[–]Matchphoria 2 points3 points ago

Also, if you haven't already, try to find out what exactly is the reason behind his aversion to oral. Maybe the last girl he did it on wasn't exactly clean down there or something. I know from experience that one bad experience in bed is enough to turn you off to something entirely. If it's something like this I'm sure there are ways you two can work this situation out.

[–]Fat_Alberta 1 point2 points ago

I second this notion

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 1 point2 points ago

He doesn't really do anything I ask...

[–]Matchphoria 4 points5 points ago

well that's definitely a problem then. You can't be entirely selfish in bed

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 1 point2 points ago

he can. and i let him get away with it.

[–]Matchphoria 1 point2 points ago

See, he can't if you don't let him. Neglecting your partner is unacceptable. Like I said, if oral is that important to you and he won't do it, then don't reciprocate. Maybe a denial of what he wants will push him in the right direction.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

I would hope so. I just hope it doesn't push him over the edge.

[–]camelliagirl 0 points1 point ago

Okay, I was trying to be kind to him, but if he doesn't do anything you ask sexually? DTMFA

[–]reverendchubbs 0 points1 point ago

My ex was the same way. I'm not a fan of giving oral. But it's the only way she'll get off (or so she says). So every time we had sex, I'd go down afterwords. I never received reciprocation. Which sucked, because I love blowjobs, much more than sex.

One time, we were playing some poker, and were betting stuff like massages, oral, and the like. I won 6 blowjobs, and 11 massages. I think I got 2 massages in the next 6 months, whereas I gave her one at least every two weeks. Finally, I said "No, I won't do that anymore. You bet me massages and blowjobs, don't give them, and expect me to give you one whenever you decide? No, fuck that. Either start paying up, or that's it." I got those 2 massages after that, and ended up breaking it off for that and many other reasons.

[–]Matchphoria 0 points1 point ago

That's a selfish lover. You shouldn't have to put up with crap like that.

As a side note, because I'm curious, I've never met a guy that prefers oral to sex. Why is that? If you don't mind me asking

[–]reverendchubbs 0 points1 point ago

With sex, switching things up mid-session can make things really awkward. Or at least takes too much moving around, which lessens the intensity quite a bit. With a blowjob, a woman can switch what she's doing, and add to the experience (start including tongue, playful nibbles, just hoovering it) very easily.

That's just me, though. Most guys I know prefer sex as well. But I'd easily trade sex every day for a week for just one blowjob.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

Wow. No, the first time I gave him a blowjob he was pretty much pressuring me, and afterwards he was repulsed when I tried to kiss him goodbye. Now, he makes me brush my teeth before I kiss him after I go down.

[–]Raptor007 0 points1 point ago

I cannot understand why a straight guy would not want to go down on a girl. This is my biggest turn-on. I had to break it off with with a girl once because she didn't like receiving oral sex... it's a very important part of my sex life to give oral.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 1 point2 points ago

Someone needs to teach him the ways of a real man.

[–]Yafrovon 0 points1 point ago

It's disgusting??? I fucking love going down on my SO.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

Repulsive. He absolutely HATES it.

[–]Yafrovon 0 points1 point ago

...sigh. I can't understand some guys. It's like...one of the best parts of sexytimes?

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

So I've heard. D:

[–]aprylraine 0 points1 point ago

Also from TN here. I had a boyfriend in college that, looking back on it, I realize was emotionally and psychologically abusive. He used to use crying to con me into doing whatever he wanted or would find a way to turn things he did wrong into my fault. I fell for it every time for 3 straight years.

When you're in the relationship, you put up with it because you think that they have to love you like you love them, so surely they can't be as bad as the people around you say. It wasn't until I nearly drowned in a tubing accident (short version, my brother had to pull me and my sister out of the river where a bunch of branches had fallen) and he didn't even care enough to come see me (but drove to a hot dog roast at his friend's house 1.5 hours drive from his home) that I finally wised up and ended the relationship.

You may be able to work through this as a couple, but more than likely, he isn't going to change. :-( You need to do what's best for you.

[–]osteenq 0 points1 point ago

Seriously, is this a joke?

Because if it's not, you're making yourself into one.

[–]donchawannafanta[S] 0 points1 point ago

Explain,please.