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What causes a woman to just drop everything and stop returning calls/texts? (self.AskWomen)

submitted ago* by itrewitallavay

Ok I get it. Women freak and usually it results in flaking. Whatever, it happens.. at a certain point you just get used to it. At least when it happens before a connection is made, before sex, before romance.. but freaking / flaking after these hurdles have been passed? I don't get it seriously- please help me to understand the thought process.

I'd like to understand what can possibly be part of the mental process that would allow a woman to just drop interest / contact after they have already invested enough in a person to have sex with them. I am not talking about a one night stand. I'm referring to multiple dates, spending the night together, deep conversation and connection, and mutual discovery. When in the span of 5-7 dates or so you manage to develop meaningful chemistry without any sort of negative influences, no fighting, no drama.

Who in their right mind just drops contact altogether?

Thoughts? Ideas? Please share.

edit: TL;DR- the bolded text above. I am not yelling at you ladies or blaming anyone here please stop reading into the words used I am just seeking insight. There isn't even a single exclamation point or negative word used yet so many women here just want turn around and bitch at me without a shred of understanding of the details in the situation. Thanks ladies of reddit for the few of you that can manage an intelligent non-antagonistic reply.

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[–]EgregiousWeasel 13 points14 points ago

People do this when they lose interest. Sometimes it's before any emotional investment is made, and sometimes it's after a while when you think things are just great. It happens, and you just have to accept that she doesn't like you the way you like her. Don't stay angry about it, because that won't help anything. I'm speaking from experience. One guy did this to me after nine months of dating. NINE MONTHS. Just stopped calling. It hurt, and I cried for a couple days, but I realized that if he's going to run away without a word, I don't want him in my life anyway.

Realize that you will probably never know her thought process and learn to be okay with that. I know the cycle of meeting people, getting involved, and breaking up. For a while, it was like an emotional ratchet, where I would be increasingly agitated at the end of a romance. It was affecting me pretty badly, until a friend sat me down and told me that I just have to let it go if I ever want to be at peace. Sure, it wasn't the best way for her to handle things, but some people just aren't capable of that kind of confrontation. It's a sign of emotional immaturity, and you can be grateful that you can move on to find someone who you'll be happy with, and who will be happy with you. It has to go both ways, or it's not going to work.

[–]Dusty_Star 7 points8 points ago

For me personally, it's when I just can't be arsed giving a fuck anymore

[–]itrewitallavay[S] -2 points-1 points ago

Ok I get that. The real question is what causes you to go from giving a huge fuck about someone to not giving a single fuck about them inside of 1 or 2 days?

[–]Dusty_Star 2 points3 points ago

It may not be that I've stopped caring, rather that I've remembered this is probably a monumental waste of everyone who is involved time.

For example, right now i'm ignoring a lovely guy, purely because explaining to him how messed up I am hasn't worked and somewhere down the line the entire thing will turn to shit and this way is kinder and easier.

[–]hanus_man33 7 points8 points ago

This sounds kind of immature and selfish to me. If you feel a possible relationship wouldn't last at least tell the person instead of just ignoring them. You don't have to explain why it wouldn't work, just be blunt. I'd much rather have a girl tell me this instead of just flat out ignoring me.

[–]Dusty_Star 0 points1 point ago

I have told him, he's still texting me though

[–]itrewitallavay[S] 1 point2 points ago

To me there is a huge difference between having been told "not interested" even if only once, and just dropping communication completely when there was no warning, no goodbye, no indication of any disinterest whatsoever.

On one hand, if you told him "so long and thanks for all the fish" and he's both insecure enough and socially awkward enough to continue to pursue despite being ignored afterwards, well that's pure foolishness. On the other, if you had not given him any context for being unhappy or disinterested yet suddenly ignore him, doesn't it follow through that if you expect him to go away you need to give him a "no thanx" at some point?

[–]Dusty_Star 0 points1 point ago

Firstly, have an upvote for you Douglas Adams quote =)

Secondly, I dunno, I have just stopped contacting guys loads of times and normally it's because I can't think of any other way to do it - from past experience they either stalk you like a crazy, become highly abusive, or go into self pity mode and beg.

For me personally, I can't face any of that shit, and tbh I can kinda see where they come from, when someone does anything to me I always need to understand the reasons behind it, I ask a load of questions and the person gets pissed off.

Whereas if someone just starts ignoring me, I get shitty for a while then forget about it.

I think that some people have just been through too much to face explaining things to strangers over and over again. Like for me, the other night I got drunk on the town and gave my number to a guy, I normally avoid things like that because I think i'm better off alone, but in my drunken state I thought "fuck it" and just dished it out.

I could attempt explaining everything to the guy but then i'm the bitch who gives out her number when she doesn't want anything, I become a cocktease or whatever.

It's just so much easier to go straight to the ignoring part.

Also, if it's been a few dates and stuff, you guys seem to have some freaky ass ability of dragging shit up without even knowing you're doing it, plenty of times for me, i've been dating a guy, having a good time then BAM he'll do or say something that brings things flooding back and I just think "shit I can't do this" - once again it's easier to just ignore than to try and explain.

=/

[–]itrewitallavay[S] 0 points1 point ago

Yes I see where you are coming from. I believe that this comes from a fight or flight mentality.

plenty of times for me, i've been dating a guy, having a good time then BAM he'll do or say something that brings things flooding back and I just think "shit I can't do this"

Damn, now that is something I hadn't really considered. Thanks for the insight! :)

from past experience they either stalk you like a crazy, become highly abusive, or go into self pity mode and beg.

Yes! This is exactly what I have been avoiding. To be quite honest I am not a begger, not abusive, and not a stalker. She earned my attention throughout our dates and time spent together, and I earned her affections. She said to me "you have me all figured out, you read me so well" and it's not like I was trying to read her and figure her out, we were just conversing naturally and things developed how they did. My point is if I continue to try to contact her without being needy in the ways that you described, but just casually, friendly, and direct she'll at least have to own up to the experience and tell me off directly herself.

[–]Dusty_Star 0 points1 point ago

Can't tell if mostly sarcasm or not =( I need Sheldon's sign lol

But yea, I'll bet the more you pester her, the more she'll run away and ignore you.

When I do just start ignoring a guy, if he keeps trying to contact me I never make any attempt to talk to him again.

However - if he gives up and leaves me alone, often a few weeks down the track i'll contact him and then explain and apologise.

I feel like I owe something, so once I'm back in the right frame of mind and i'm sure he's moved on, I step up and do the right thing.

[–]itrewitallavay[S] 0 points1 point ago

No definitely not sarcasm.

I'll bet the more you pester her, the more she'll run away and ignore you.

Exactly. No pestering.

they either stalk you like a crazy, become highly abusive, or go into self pity mode and beg

There are other ways to maintain contact with someone than these 3 options.

[–]MissSunbeam 0 points1 point ago

"you have me all figured out, you read me so well"

Just the fact that you posted this at all proves her horribly wrong

[–]Tiseye 15 points16 points ago

Well, for starters, "women" don't freak and flake. Some women do, some women don't. Some men do, some men don't. It's not universal to all women or all men.

If you used this kind of language around her (generalising traits you perceive as negative to apply universally to all women), I have an idea as to why she might have dropped contact with you altogether.

[–]Rhode 12 points13 points ago

Dude, it's not them, it's you. You are yelling at us with all that unnecessary bold text. If that is how you act IRL, no wonder they stop talking to you.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

Some women (like some men) don't have the courage or the heart to tell the person they've slept with that they just aren't interested in continuing to see eachother. It sucks, but if you don't get a reply within a day or two and you know she's not on an extended vacation, delete her number.

[–]everynne 16 points17 points ago

Your assumptions about "women" are pretty interesting there. If you generalize this much, I can't blame her for wanting to drop you. People are unique! Sex doesn't have to mean something huge. Its not automatically a declaration of love and it can mean anything or nothing. I've dropped contact with a person I've dated twice. One was a nice/smart guy who was sweet as a teddy bear during dates but then showed a highly aggressive and pushy side when things became intimate. It scared the ever living shit out of me that I had to sweet talk him to listen to me when I said "no" so I cut him out the next day. The second time was a month into dating a guy and a rather ugly personality appeared. I broke it off after two weeks of him taking his stress out on me.

Your little bolded, "who in their right mind drops contact and I'd like to understand the mental process" is rather condescending, asinine and really doesn't convince me that you actually want to understand. So a woman you want to fuck/date decided to cut you out of her life? SHE MUST BE CRAZY THEN! What a great conclusion. Maybe look at your own behavior. Maybe you triggered something. Maybe she decided that she really dislikes your personality. Maybe if you two never spoke of a relationship, SHE wanted a one night stand.

[–]hanus_man33 2 points3 points ago

As I read this and the comments, I can't help but be reminded of 500 days of summer.

[–]MissSunbeam 5 points6 points ago

I believe that women are slower to fall in love or take a deep interest in someone than men. She may have become scared off by the intensity of your relationship and needs some breathing space, but doesn't know how to tell you this. And sex isn't a big investment to everyone, maybe she just wanted someone to talk, cuddle, and take care of sexual needs? It can be that simple.

[–]itrewitallavay[S] 1 point2 points ago

She may have become scared off by the intensity of your relationship and needs some breathing space, but doesn't know how to tell you this.

This is what I sincerely think. I am giving her space. But the question is then does giving someone space ever work? All that ever seems to happen is that the space makes it easy for both parties to go their own direction without looking back.

[–]ericmm76 1 point2 points ago

A toilet!

This also affects men.

[–]itrewitallavay[S] 0 points1 point ago

hah! :)

[–]squiggywiggle 1 point2 points ago

This happened to me a few months ago. I was seeing a guy very casually (in my mind anyway) and we went on bunches of dates, had sex, had long conversations etc. but I never felt like we were more than just friends. Eventually I met someone else and thought he was amazing and couldn't be bothered to think about anyone else. I maintained casual contact with the first guy for another few weeks or so, but I never felt like going out with him again so I just let the contact dwindle. I never felt the urgency to contact him and explain it, and couldn't be bothered to reply to his texts when I was busy with other things. Yes, maybe it wasn't the best way to go about it. But I never really saw us having a future outside I of a few months of fun. I guess what I'm saying is that not all women make deep emotional connections just because they have had sex, or long awesome talks. Maybe she just doesn't feel the need to reply because she's moved on and replying would just be a time suck when she's busy with work and life. I'm not saying this is the right thing to do, but don't assume that all women have to have a deep connection to fuck. Some people just want to have fun and enjoy something new for a few months and then they get bored and move on. There are as many kinds of women as there are men.

[–]itrewitallavay[S] 1 point2 points ago

couldn't be bothered to reply to his texts

This is kind of absurd isn't it? A text takes 2 seconds. No disrespect but I can't help but see this kind of behavior as incredibly selfish and juvenile.

[–]squiggywiggle 1 point2 points ago

I totally agree. But basically I'd see his texts at work and be like I can't be bothered to respond to this, then I'd put it off. By the time I got around to thinking about it again like 5 hours later I just felt like it's pointless to respond to a simple "hey what's up?" text so I wouldn't. I agree I should have handled it better, but at the time I wasn't thinking about it. Humans have a tendency to be selfish. I agree it's not good, but we all do it from time to time.

[–]HeloisePommefume 1 point2 points ago

She met someone else?

[–]itrewitallavay[S] 0 points1 point ago

It's a possibility. I would be completely surprised though if she did and transferred all attraction and trust that we had built together onto some random guy. It's not unheard of but I kind of doubt this is the case.

[–]Isthatrite 0 points1 point ago

Could be any number of things. Death of a family member, she met someone else and wants to avoid conflict but make it clear it's over with you, that same thing without meeting someone else, in the hospital/attacked by murderous hobo, etc.

I will say that 5-7 dates is not really a huge "investment" no matter what happened during that time. Probably she was dating other people at the time and preferred someone else, or met someone after you were already dating and preferred dropped contact to telling you that she had met someone else and dealing with "well you don't even know me that well yet, how do you know we're not more compatible" which often happens in such a situation.

[–]itrewitallavay[S] 0 points1 point ago

Time frame also matters. 5-7 dates in 6 months isn't much, but within 2 weeks it's a lot of contact.

[–]flowboy 1 point2 points ago

This has happened to me before. The reason was he was too clingy. Sending me 10 texts throughout the day without one reply from me? It was just a bit weird. He also didn't have his life together. He was in his late 20's and although he was almost finished with college, it totally turned me off that his parents were still supporting him and he didn't have a job. Additionally, the sex wasn't that good.

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