My 8 year old son just confessed that he wants to be a girl...help?

RunsLikeAGirl · 3 months

I have a five year old son who is kind of in the same position. He loves all things girly. He hasn't said he actually wants to be a girl (yet) but I wouldn't be surprised.

Be open with your son. That's how I approach it with my son. I've told him most people generally stay being a boy if they are born a boy, but some people decide when they are older that they would rather be a girl and that's okay. I think he likes the idea that he knows that people have that option, that he isn't confined to his born gender. Obviously as a parent, I hope that he will remain happy as a boy, simply because many things will be simpler for him. That may be what you are freaking out about. We want our kids lives to be smooth and free of drama and turmoil. But that isn't our decision to make. If my son decides he would want to transition, I would support him fully.

We can freak out on an inner level, but on the outside, we just have to let our kids know we love them fully and unconditionally. For my son, I just let him do his thing. He dances around to Katy Perry and Britney Spears and I often find him sashaying around in my heels. He is the only boy in his dance class (that he begged for), and is very happily rehearsing a routine to "Girls Just Want to Have Fun". He plays exclusively with girls at school and seems to have a blast. Yeah, he gets comments like "dance class is for girls" but he has an incredible sense of confidence so he doesn't care. He knows his family has his back no matter what, and that's the important thing.

FrostyM288 · 3 months

Most people here are repeating the same stuff (see psychologist, accept her as a girl, etc.) and there's nothing wrong with that, but I just wanted to tell you my first hand experience. My sister's trans (recently post-op) and here are things (good/bad) that my parents have done. Really hope OP gets to this post :/.

Bad Things (obviously these hopefully won't all apply to you so disregard any anger in the post as it's just directed at my parents)

My parents for the longest time thought it was just a phase and it'd just go away. The very worst of this is that you are not taking your kid seriously. Responses from my parents ranged from "wait and see what you feel next year" to "wait and have a kid and see if that'll change anything" to "wait until after you've had a family and grown old". This is not something trivial and is not a "fling" of interest. This is not something she's doing "for the thrill" or to experience something new. Take it seriously and don't table discussion.
My parents knew about this since my sister was in high school (maybe before) but didn't tell me (or anyone else) until after she graduated college. If you hide her away, even if you tell her you accept her, it'll just show her that you're ashamed. At the VERY least, tell your immediate family. They hopefully will all be supportive. Make sure she knows this is not something to be ashamed about. Unless in threat of bad physical harm at school, discuss trying to dress/act how she really wants in school. I say bad, because kids get into fights all the time. Your daughter (yes daughter, not son) would probably get harassed or in fights regardless of her being "out" at school.
Cringe everytime a trans-related thing pops up. This is pretty obviously bad...but it's also pretty subconscious. Just imagine what that does to a kid. It's like, everytime you try to show off something you're proud of, like an arts and craft project, your parents just cringe and grimace. I know it won't be easy, but this is nothing compared to what your daughter is going through.
Dad flew into a rage when she asked him what he would've named a daughter saying "The only name you'll ever have is Herp". Ok...yea...now I'm just raging -_-

Good things

They took her to a psychologist. Too important not to repeat.
They saw a therapist THEMSELVES. Regardless of how accepting you actually are, this is a big issue. You're going to need someone to talk to.
We lived in a liberal area. This obviously is not easily controllable depending on your circumstances. However, if you're in a small town in the bible belt, you have two choices really. Have your daughter be "out" and fear for her life or have your daughter stay in the closet and hate herself until she goes to college. Get yourself to a liberal area. She needs an environment where most people are ok with this so she'll know not to be ashamed of herself and that there's nothing to hide.
After a while, my parents finally started to call my sister a "her". This is important since it shows effort on your part to accept her and at the very least to train yourself to see her as a her. I personally still slip up and think of my sister as a brother. Start it now. Since I learned about my sister so late, It'll be another 20 so years until I'll have more memories of my sister as a her than as a he.

Some Closing thoughts:

I think the one big realization I had when I was learning about all this is that this is NOT an attempt to be feminine. This is not your daughter trying to be that sexy girl. Your daughter is merely a girl trapped in a boy's body. Simple as that. Many trans women don't get dolled up. Many just wear plain clothes and don't stick out. Many DO strap on stilletos and makeup and all that. Realize that the goal is not to be sexy/feminine, but to be a female. I highly highly suggest reading: "Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity" by Julia Serano.

PM me if you have any questions and best of luck. Just the fact that you're on here asking for help gives me hope that your daughter will have a much happier and fulfilling childhood than my sister :).

theslowwonder · 3 months

This American Life discusses two young boys that want to be known as girls, and talks about how their parents deal with it. Their conclusions aren't clear, but it should help to hear the experience of other parents in your situation. You can find the episode here

partyhat · 3 months

Crosspost this to /r/asktransgender .

Wanna_fight_about_it · 3 months

My son is similar (he is 6 years old). He loves to dress up like a little girl and is first in line to play girl roles when the kids at this school have their play shows. At first it was a bit unsettling but over time we got used to it. I am not religious at all so I don't have that clouding my thoughts in the matter. Honestly the only thing you can do is support him and tell him that other people feel the same way. Tell him that later in life he can explore other options and become whoever or whatever he wants to and you will support him no matter what. Love comes first and if you are going to help him you have to open your mind and embrace him for whatever or whoever he wants to become. Best of luck.

The_Mighty_Elephant · 3 months

Hes 8 years old l0l0l0l0l0l0l0l0l0l0l why the fuck would you even post on reddit about this malaki

ImNotJesus · 3 months

Okay, listen up.

First thing, the single most important thing you may ever do for your son will be supporting him if he genuinely feels this way. Right now, your only action is telling him that you love and support him the way he is, regardless of how he feels about himself. Let him explore this idea and see who he is. He's 8, he doesn't really understand the whole concept yet but there's a part of him doesn't feel 'right'. As it stands, unless he becomes distressed about this, you do nothing but support him. If he becomes distressed, take him to see a psychologist to talk through his feelings about it.

You need to take religion out of this equation because if you start telling him that he's wrong for feeling that way, the psychological impact will be profound. Right now, he needs love and support more than anything. Please, please, please, whatever you do, make sure you and your wife let him know that you love him irrespective of how he feels about himself.

This may be nothing and it may just be a phase but please don't risk it.

Edit: After reading the other posts, I feel like I neglected to mention that forts are awesome

ryanismean · 3 months

I don't want to lose him but the thought of him being unhappy with his own body makes me scared he might kill himself or something

I am 34. Since I was 16, I have had 4 friends commit suicide. All of them were gay, lesbian, or trans. All of them came from heavily Christian families.

Coincidence? Nope.

RS14-2 · 3 months

Above all, support them and love them.

As for your wife, she should understand that gender (i.e. identity) appears, as far as we can tell, to be biological rather than learned. The fact that you let them wear dresses is not causing this.

You might share with your wife the rather sad story of David Reimer, who was raised as a girl after a botched circumcision. The doctor involved "was a prominent proponent of the 'theory of Gender Neutrality'; that gender identity developed primarily as a result of social learning from early childhood and could be changed with the appropriate behavioral interventions."

As it turned out, though, David Reimer never identified as female, was suicidal at 13, and transitioned to male at 14. He ultimately shot himself at 39.

What I'm trying to say is, you didn't do anything to cause this. Gender simply doesn't seem to work like that. You could put a child in a dress and tell them they're female all day long, but that's not going to make them female.

ImNotJesus suggests a psychologist, and this is probably a good idea. Look for someone with experience in gender issues. Don't go to anyone who promises to make your child identify as male. Take a look at my link to the APA below.

If this isn't just a phase (and personally, I suspect not, but you'll find out one way or another) you might consider giving them hormone blockers in a few years, which will make transition far easier if they decide to go that route.

You might also read through what the American Psychological Association has to say on transgender people and gender identity.

dorklogic · 3 months

Shut up. Relax. Just be supportive and build lots of forts in the living room. All 8 yearolds love that.

littleladyme · 3 months

First of all I have to emphasize-- him not being comfortable in the physical sex he was born with will not cause him to become suicidal. It's the disapproval of the people whose opinions he cares about and bullying that leads to those feelings. EDIT: To those of you who commented disagreeing with this bit of my manifesto, I'm sorry. I totally overlooked that yes, feeling as though you were assigned the wrong physical attributes can cause those feelings. Total oversight on my part when reflecting back on what I've learned about this subject. Please accept my apology.

You are not a bad parent. It is fantastic that you chose a forum (even as casual as reddit) for advice before jumping to a conclusion that you feel you may regret in the future. I'm actually getting my masters degree right now in psychology and this is exactly what we're currently studying. Hopefully that gives me some credibility when I tell you that the greatest thing you could do right now is just allow him to explore. I understand that some parts of that exploration may be uncomfortable due to your and your wife's religious and moral beliefs. Unfortunately, we come across a lot of conflicts like this in life, and sine this is regarding your own child's life, I cannot imagine this impact this is having on you.

My first suggestion is, before putting your son in any professional setting (meaning seeing a psychologist or counselor of sorts), perhaps you and your wife (or you alone at first) should talk with someone who is equipped to guide you through what may very well become a long, contentious journey. If that is too much at once, maybe take some time to yourself to have a stream of consciousness and write out everything that comes to your mind about what's going on. Why is this difficult for you? What exactly about your son's outburst is troubling you?

Please, though, if you take anything away from this tiny paragraph on a community thread website, embrace your son. You don't have to accept that he's questioning his sexual and gender identities (there are differences between them), but I'm sure you are capable of compassion- especially since this is, as you call him, your little boy. Please do not punish him for something that is beyond his control. If the concept of him wishing to be of the other sex was easy, he would not have had such a heated emotional outpour upon admitting it.

Please feel free to comment on here or pm me if you're interested in any resources/websites that can provide a ton of information on this subject. Like I said, I hope my current educational status shows you that I know what I'm talking about. And above all things, your son is still your child. No matter what his sexual identity or gender identity. He is still the same product of you and your wife's love that's he's been since he was born. Good luck :)

Lordica · 3 months

You are a great parent for exploring your course of action. It sounds like you may need to consider family counseling to manage your wifes reaction to this. Luckily kids are mostly androgynous. You can discuss with your son the ramifications of going to school in dresses. Hopefully he'll conetnt himself with jeans and t-shirts. My son had a boy in his class who wore powerpuff girl shirts, unicorns and the like. The kids got used to it. It was the parents who seemed to have the most problems. Some kids grow out of this, for others it really is who they are.

tmcroissant · 3 months

I feel compelled to answer you as I am a Christian seminarian. Perhaps your son is going through a phase at his young age or perhaps he is transgender, regardless I want you to know: God made your son the way he is, and if Andrew is a female born in male body, then that's just the way God wanted him to be. I know that this may be difficult because it is so outside how you have experienced the world, but you know that even when you were 5 years old or so you KNEW that you were a boy, so you should take Andrew seriously if he has presented issues with his gender identity for two years. As you've said, you've had hopes and dreams for when your boy would grow up to be a man, which makes this difficult. I like the idea mentioned by ImNotJesus (appropriate name) of taking him to a psychologist to gain a better understanding of what's going on with Andrew. I want you to re-think the role faith has in this situation for you. God does not condemn little boys for wrestling with issues of their own identity, whether that be gender or sexuality, God did not make a mistake in creating Andrew. And if this is not a phase and Andrew is a woman born in a male body, we may never know God's reason. Remember the words of Galatians 3:28 - "In Christ there is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."

PM me if you'd like to talk more.

tossitchuckitloseit · 3 months

Throwaway here. Though it is quite possible that your son is going through a phase, I should point out something I learned in a psych of gender class a few years ago: Many male to female transgendered people are aware, at least on some level, that they feel trapped in the wrong body by the time they're 3 or 4 years old. Don't necessarily negate the validity of your son's complaints just because he's only eight.

As the child of a trans person myself, I think it's important to remember that he's still the same person you love. No matter what happens with your son's sexual or gender identity down the road, he's always going to be your son. Love him, let him be himself, and let him be an eight-year-old. That's the greatest gift you can give him.

Good luck. You're already on the right track.

KingOfSockPuppets · 3 months

Okay, well, here's my advice for what it's worth in this giant thread. On pronoun usage: I'm using male pronouns for convenience and lack of enough information to make my own decision on which are more appropriate.

YOU SHOULD TAKE THIS VERY, VERY SERIOUSLY. This statement right here?

"I don't feel like this is even my body!" ...which eventually led to him saying he wants to be a girl and stomping off to his room.

That's not something to brush off. That's not one 'for the scrapbook' to laugh over later in life over how kooky he was as a child. It's probably not part of a charming little phase. There are some people in this thread who scoff at the notion that your son really knows this. They're being silly, to put it politely (and oddly enough, no one ever questions people who don't complain about being born wrong). This right here is pretty good evidence that your son (or daughter, really) is in fact trans in my opinion. Kids know if their body is off. And if that's correct, it probably won't go away, it won't get better in time. Even if he stops talking about it, he's probably suffering in quiet.

So what can you do?

First, I advise you to seek out some narratives from trans people, especially those who 'always knew' (there's largely two categories of trans people; those who 'always knew', and those who discovered their trans feelings around puberty) and pay close attention to their descriptions of dysphoria. Dysphoria is the easy out here (but don't let it overdetermine), the difference between a silly eight year old who is going through a phase and a young girl being rejected for who she is. Once you've read up on it, and you're emotionally ready, try to have a candid discussion with your son about how he feels and how he knows he has the wrong body. If what you start hearing sounds a lot like those feelings of dysphoria you read about, your son is probably really your daughter. It's not your fault you couldn't tell, but let her be who she wants to be.

Second, no matter the outcome of the first piece of advice, a psychologist, particularly one experienced in gender therapy, is a good option. It'll help everyone involved get a clearer picture of who they are and most importantly handle it well.

Third, I'll echo here all the advice about being supporting. Yes, do this, absolutely. If your son is your daughter, then having a supportive family can make all the difference. The suicide attempt rate is approximately 50% among trans people. Please, PLEASE do what you can to keep your son out of that statistic. Love him for who he is.

What are the stakes?

Well, that shitty, shitty statistic up there is one. That our society drives so many wonderful people to suicide is beyond reprehensible. There is no language to describe how terrible it is. Besides that, depression, low self-esteem, self-destructive behavior, and all sorts of other nasty ailments are what happens when trans people put on a play for everyone else's benefit. Taking this seriously should be a huge priority. Your child's happiness is the least of the stakes here (and I don't mean that lightly); their life the greatest.

Here's the bright side: if you do accept your daughter for who she is, and let her sidestep male puberty, she'll be waaay better off. You won't have to worry about her 'not passing', as her puberty will have been that of a female, and the rest of her life will be free from the weight of bureaucracy that accumulates when one lives a lie, and she'll have every opportunity every other girl has to live a happy, fulfilling life. With your help, getting documents changed will be easier and her life will be free of a lot of burden trans people have to carry and give her a really awesome gift: the choice, of to be stealth or out. You can have a wonderful, happy, amazing daughter and make the story of trans* people just a little better by challenging all those social stigmas that make this such a hard choice for everyone.

Are there resources out there to consult?

There are, but it's 1:30am and I still have to shower I'm afraid so I can't go hunting a bunch down at the moment. I know there's at least one site out there for parents but I can't for the life of me remember the name at the moment. I can if you'd like, just send me a PM. Here on reddit though, there are a few subreddits that can help you with not just this question, but the ten thousand others that are going to crop up.

A final note: if you do discover you have a daughter, take the name change/correct pronouns very seriously. Pronouns might seem minor to you, but misgendering is, to a lot of trans people, one of the most vicious attacks one can make when it's deliberate. And accidental misgendering is still pretty rough. It's very Othering.

Best of luck, tread carefully, and consult the vaults of wisdom most carefully indeed.

StarVixen · 3 months

Let him wear whatever and act whatever way he wants at home (meaning like a girl if he wants). I know it's against your religion, but it's not against his. One day he'll be an adult and how you handle it now, will determine if that adult is in your life at all.

whitchan · 3 months

I'm simply going to throw up my personal story, take it how you wish.

When I was younger, from probably six and on, I threw up huge, and I mean HUGE, red flags about my gender identity. I was always the girl. I always wanted to be the female character in all make believe situations. I stole my moms clothes, which my parents found. I never really bonded well with other boys, instead my best friends were all girls; when I was around 9 or 10 I loved going over to my friend Steph's house to play Mall Madness. My mom eventually bought me my own. All the other boys always called me gay, and I protested, because I never liked boys. Ironically, in the end, I ended up being a girl who dates other girls, but that's just changing the subject.

Now, I didn't grow up in a time period when this was all out in the open. People know what transsexualism is now in days. People have heard of it, it's a thing. That gives kids feeling the way I did an enormous advantage. I didn't know what I was feeling, I figured it was just normal. No one EVER asked me about how I acted. No one guided me, I ended up finding it myself, but never sharing out of fear.

Puberty, particularly for little boys, destroys their bodies. You can always start puberty later, but you can never undo many of the changes that occur. If I could have wished for ANYTHING, retrospectively, it would be to have a mom who had helped me, who nurtured me, who guided me in the right direction. There is so much you learn from your mother. It's frightening the things I'm having to teach myself via youtube. Things that girls my age take entirely for granted; I'm twenty-four by the way. And there's no way I'm going to get that now. It's incredibly awkward. Help your child be whoever he or she wants to be. If she wants to wear girls clothes help her be sensible. Treat her like your daughter and show her how the world works. Teach her to brush her hair and match her socks. Show her the world of make up and baking cookies.

Being supportive is always a good thing, but to me that's so very external and away from the situation. Dive into this with her, she needs a guide in this world just like any other child, now more than ever.

Also, /r/transgender is an awesome place to xpost this if you want. Particularly if you need help with the more technical side if transitioning. We're a helpful bunch, especially if it helps one of our own grow up with a body congruent with their heart.

bigsammm · 3 months

Your eight year old son has a phone?

[deleted] · 3 months

I'm going to be as honest and blunt as I possibly can, because this could be the single most important moment in you or your child's life if you mishandle this. I know from experience.

This is possibly a phase, but it most likely isn't. Most transpeople do know, as a child, that something is wrong.

Do not force them to talk about it until they are ready, but do constantly let them know it's okay to talk to you, and do try to bring it up.

Be prepared to do what is right by your child, even if your wife is not. If she's as pious as you say she is, she might not support your son/daughter being who they truly are and your efforts to help them. Be prepared for the worst (Fighting for custody against an supportive wife for the sake of your child's well-being.), hope for the best.

Take your child to a trans-friendly child psychologist. I hate to have to tell you this, because you're religious, but if you take them to a religious-bent psych, they will probably do what you're trying not to do and psychologically beat it into your child that this is wrong, that it's a phase, and that they're bad for feeling the way they do. You can find resources at r/asktransgender and r/transspace.

Be prepared to move schools if your child wants to live as a girl and doesn't feel comfortable going to their previous school as such.

And most importantly, love them and never tell them they're evil, bad, or wrong for feeling the way they do. Again, this could be the most important time in your child's life, and you can be with them, or you can be against them. Whoever and whatever they turn out to be, love and support them the entire way, and let nobody, not your parents, not your wife, not religion or anybody else, stand in their way.

3 months

[deleted]

5days · 3 months

You may want to go somewhere will you will receive more support for even considering that he may not just be going through a phase http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=1301

I think it's good that you are taking him seriously and looking for guidance. Even if it is a phase, an understanding parent is a good thing.

McBlurry · 3 months

He's 8, keep that in mind. It probably doesn't mean anything right now. If it continues into an older age, then maybe it does mean something. No matter what, be supportive.

Also, your 8 year old has a phone? Dude, WHAT.

RevRaven · 3 months

It might be time for an open an honest conversation. Keep religion out of it, because everyone knows that "god doesn't make mistakes"

SepulchralMind · 3 months

Everyone who is saying 'he is just eight!' should take another look at things. Transgender people (transgender, not transsexual) overwhelmingly begin to recognize something is wrong at a very early age. This may very well not be anything like a phase, and at this point, I would gear myself toward accepting that it isn't. Prepare yourself for what, in your belief system, would be the worst possible outcome and move from there.

But otherwise...yeah, blanket forts.

kazel85 · 3 months

I agree with everyone who said that religion doesn't come into this, however you obviously think it does as it was the first thing you mentioned, so I'm going to put this out there despite the down-vote onstaught. I consider myself a religous person, and I honestly don't think that God has one single problem with that little person!! Or he wouldn't have been made te way he is! I also think that your children are going to learn what and who God is fro YOU! Not a sunday school teacher or a church minister, but YOU! And you need to make a choice to teach your kids what kind of god they believe in. Don't use religion as an excuse for your own prejudices!

b0mberman · 3 months

"Son, you can be whoever you want to be and I will love you. Just never forget who you are."

Pizzatran · 3 months

There are things you can do for your child that can make this much easier for all of you. If you are worried about him being this young then you can start him on hormones blockers before he hits puberty.. This will stop him from developing to be more masculine and allow him to reach an older age where he can fully decide to make this decision. I am transgender and I never said anything to my incredibly religious parents until I was 23. They completely accepted me and now I regret that I never said anything sooner. If I had I would be much farther along in my transition and much happier I think. Your wife will understand. These things simply require understanding and care. If it helps this is the letter I wrote to my parents http://imgur.com/a/IvQZN Your child is very lucky to have a father like you. Who cares enough to research and ask questions.

Pink_Llama · 3 months

i don't want to sound bad, but seriously, quit thinking about your damn religion and go talk to your son. He needs support right now, not some religious BS about how wrong it is to think this way.

He may be going through a phase, or he might genuinely feel this way, but it is your job as a parent to not judge him and to find out which it is.

If he does feel this way genuinely then get him to talk to a councillor who deals with body image and/or gender confusion and get him on the right path to being someone he can be comfortable with.

Sgt_Sarcasm · 3 months

If your son genuinely feels like he wants to be a girl, you should put aside your religious beliefs and support him. If he wants to be a girl, you shouldn't try and treat him as if being this way were a type of illness. Be supportive and don't try and take him to thousands of therapists that try and cure being gay or wanting to be the opposite sex. My opinion is if your wife yells at you about your sons personality, your wife is taking her religion too seriously and you and your wife as a couple should both support him.

InheritTheStars · 3 months

There is more to one's gender than just what is between their legs. The fractal shape of certain regions of the brain, which normally match one's genetic sex, can be arranged in such a way that does not agree with the XY/XX pairing. This happens in the womb, during development, as a response to the chemicals that are present there.

That said, your kid is learning about the person they are and the body they have inherited. These things happen. In light of this, it is important that you realize there is more to a whole person than their sex/gender. Their interests are the same, their likes and dislikes haven't changed. These things are what make a person a productive member of society, not what their brain is shaped like.

luciu_az · 3 months

I'm transgender, and transitioned from m to f last year, in my 30s, after taking forever to realize and accept it.

Let your child know that you love and support them; that they are ok; this isn't their fault; and theres a bright future ahead of them.

There are therapists that specialize in transgender children. Hopefully one is accessible in your area. It's important to allow your child to talk to them, and for you to educate yourself. You have a lot of time ahead of you to reconcile your religion with this (hint: love your kids). The book "be who you are" is a children's book about this exact situation. I can't recommend it highly enough.

_freestyle · 3 months

No matter what:

1) Do your research and reach out. As scary as it is, you must rise to this challenge as a parent and connect with the resources/organizations that can help guide you. Don't wait... do it now.

2) LOVE your kid unconditionally. Never let a moment go by where your kid feels like they are alone in this.

Knowxx · 3 months

Wow, there are an obscene amount of trollers here. Please don't listen to them.

Your son might be transgender or he might truly be going through a stage. Either way, the result is the same. Just be supportive. I know it's hard and I know it's not what you expected, but life is like that and some people are different and they shouldn't be punished for that. It makes all the difference in the world even if just your parents are supportive.

I would have LOVED to have a dad like you growing up. I came out to my parents at 18 and they threw me out into the streets because of their "religious" background. Your freak out is quite normal and I would be rather surprised if you didn't. If anything, I think you're doing quite well. Just love your son for who he is and not what he is. I think that's what all parents should realize.

patienceinbee · 3 months

I don't want to lose him but the thought of him being unhappy with his own body makes me scared he might kill himself or something :(

Well, this requires your own soul-searching, but this is increasingly under agreement from trans people of every age (of when they transitioned): denying a trans person once they've articulated themselves as trans is a form of abuse. The clunky way of referring to it isn't that important (though you're welcome to read it if you ever want to), but the consequences and impact on that trans person can send them into denial, suppression, self-injury, a lifetime of clinical depression, and completion of suicide.

Those of us who will respond to you here are those who have survived. And when we speak to what we do, we speak to our own experiences.

An anecdote, the one I know best: I was age six when I had my first "No, no child," admonition in two parts: when I asked my uncle about two words I'd heard somewhere. Those words were "female" and "male". He described them in simple terms. It made perfect sense. And so I asked to clarify, "So I'm female?" He then said, "Noooo. You're male." My reaction was whatever the equivalent of a six-year-old saying, "Well that doesn't make any sense." I got a frown from him and his re-iterating that I was a "boy". He was wrong, and I knew I was right, but I didn't have a say in it, and I had no internet or television to point to with a way to describe myself. As such, it made my body a tiny prison with no one to hear me.

The second part was when I was admonished for playing house with the girls my age next door, also age six wherein part of our playing was dressing up. My uncle and mother were not amused. When they saw us across the fence, I was laughed at by them and and then punished for articulating myself as a girl. OK. I was hurt, but I wasn't stupid. I wasn't being heard.

Those experiences were old scars. It only worsened in stair-steps downward from there. Emotional abuse happened early and often, because my family saw it but tried to beat it out of me. This triggered clinical depression at age 10, which I still manage today with anti-depressants. My first of a few suicide completion efforts began at age thirteen, as a direct response to my body experiencing its first puberty (which was probably the most earth-shattering, horrid, confusing, internally violent life experience I can point to). For me, there would be two puberties, but the second wouldn't happen until I hit 20. I came out at 18, a shaken, withdrawn kid. This was before the internet, too, so I didn't really have people I could point to or look up to. I didn't need to, because I'd know for more than two-thirds of my short life. Had I not done transitioned then, I would have been dead by 21.

I am now 38. I have taken years and much work to heal. There was damage from the above. It was avoidable, but we lacked the knowledge in 1979. This is damage which is now avoidable. We now know so much more. Just listen to what others are saying here who can speak to having these experiences.

Your "son" is your child. And that's what matters: you brought this child into the world, and you don't don't want to lose this life, because this life is precious and priceless. This is where you now have to respect what your child is saying to you. Listen.

tl;dr: If she — yes, she — is now saying, "I don't feel like this is even my body," then she's right. When you have a trans body, you figure this out early and quickly. There is no "confusion" or "figuring this out over time". There's a reason why we — both trans people and cis (that is, non-trans) people alike — learn to pick up whether people are girls or boys before we pick up a lot of our speaking skills and our ability to make out other features. Your child's brain is that of a girl. This was hard-wired well before she was born. It is congenital: it cannot be changed through will or discipline or suppression or anything. It simply cannot be changed. It can only be respected. There are improving options for children who are trans. Love her. She is part of you.

Good luck.

FatalisDrakari · 3 months

Find a therapist. Support your son. Leave religion out of it.

KrunoS · 3 months

Listen, religion should NEVER precede ethics.

It may be a phase, but if it isn't, then your son is transgender. Support him, love him, defend him. It is OK to be different. It does not mean he's evil or possessed or a heretic. He's an 8 year old who happened to have been born in the wrong body. It happens. It's in his genes (and according to epigenetics, maybe histones and methylations). He cannot do anything to change it as much as you can change your eye colour.

Take him to a psychologist, he probably needs to get stuff off his chest. And above all, understand him; make sure he knows this. It will mean the world to him.

confusedsub · 3 months

Listen to the top comment...my son is 9 and wants to be a girl every once in awhile...my roomates daughter is 10 and wishes she could be a boy...

limabeans45 · 3 months

I'm transgender, i've known since 12 and I probably had hints at it before that age even, I can remember watching Alice in Wonderland and feeling jealous that she got to wear a pretty dress when I was 10. I'm sure for kids as young as 7 or 8, the feelings can change. But there is a good chance they won't, so please honor your son's request and let him become your daughter over time if that is what he wants to do.

And please, for the love of god do not push religion into this equation. The idea of going to hell for just being myself took such a huge toll on my mind and helped drive me into severe depression for years.

pyxlated · 3 months

For the record, AskReddit has made me proud in this post. The vast majority of responses have been compassionate, enlightened and progressive. I very much approve.

crayonofdeath · 3 months

As a Christian, doesn't God command you to slaughter this child?

Trevoke · 3 months

Sadly, it doesn't matter what YOU believe. What matter is what HE believes. If you truly love your son, be prepared to combat hell and high water so he can be happy.

Stonysensei · 3 months

This reminds me of the Navajo Native American culture’s Four Different Genders: male, female, male with a feminine essence, and female with a masculine essence. Myself, I am a Two-Spirit by general Native American tradition: equal parts male/female. When I was younger, I hsaw no difference between playing House with girls or playing with Transformers with other boys. I've even have regular dreams in which I would end up being in the body/role of a female, while about the same proportion of the time I am male. It was all much more confusing when I was younger, growing up in a heavily conservative Christian household, though my parents were not really on my case about my feminine side or anything, but Ive come to appreciate the balance since. Being Buddhist in practice (Atheist in belief), I have come to a better understanding of myself using the concept of yinyang and I believe that being able to see things in both masculine and feminine ways continues to benefit me, and so I am at pease with it. I've also come to understand that sexual orientation is not bound by masculinity/femininity as I have never had homosexual tendencies, not that I think there's anything inherently wrong either way.

ManicParroT · 3 months

I come from a very christian home and this is against what I believe

Here's the thing. I'm not clear on why him wanting to be a girl is against what you believe. If he is transgender, it's not like that's against Leviticus or whatever - the Bible is utterly silent on sex changes, so I don't see what the problem is.

In any case, Leviticus is a bad basis for building relationships with people nowadays, since it was written for a superstitious desert tribe who engaged in routine warfare, genocide and slavery. I suggest you refer to the parts of the Bible about unconditional love for all people, instead.

farkdog · 3 months

It is annoying to me how corrupting the influence of religion can be.

lalophobia · 3 months

Isn't it a bit of a shortcut to say your religion is against it? I don't want to offend you and have nothing against anyone believing anything. But to generalize most religious scripture (imho) isn't strongly against any persons sexuality and preference. The spirit of religion is not about anyone besides your spirituality (imho) . There are religious leaders that claim otherwise.

Perk-a-Derk · 3 months

I hope I can get this in before a huge flood of comments comes in, but PLEASE don't discuss it with your wife while the three of you are home. Go out somewhere quiet where it is just you and your wife (get a babysitter if you have to) when you bring it up to her.

If you are really worried she might get worked up she may raise her voice. As someone who was an avid eavesdropper as a kid, anything she may say could be easily overheard and could really hurt him, even if she doesn't truly mean it. (Not that I'm assuming she will, but this is how I found out my parents were getting divorced and it sucked) If overheard, it gives the kid way to much thinking time on his own for false thoughts of "Is this my fault?"

[deleted] · 3 months

You just got a lot of good advice OP. Don't fuck this up.

TroubleEntendre · 3 months

If your child has been showing signs of wanting to be gendered female for years, then it's not a phase.

That means you have two options right now.

You can raise a really amazing daughter who is strong and couragous and isn't afraid to chase her dreams.

Or you can raise a son who will someday become a daughter who resents how her childhood was stolen, who will (inevitably) become a broken person. She might summon the courage to put herself back together the right way, sometime later. The lost time will haunt her, even if she survives. Our rate of attempted suicide is 41%. It is higher among those of us who are alienated from our families.

If you love your child, find the strength to support her. It's scary. And strange. You won't know what to do half the time. Be brave for your family. They will need you more than ever now.

negative_epsilon · 3 months

When I was 8 I thought the same thing. Turns out, I'm really feminine but wanting to be a woman was a phase.

Don't freak out.

spermracewinner · 3 months

Relax. If he truly wants to be a girl, then there's nothing you can do. If it's just a phase, then that's great too. He'll get over it later on.

drunkrabbit22 · 3 months

Love him and support him. He needs you, and he needs his mother. This may be a phase, but that's not for you to say. Remember he loves you unconditionally and takes to heart EVERY SINGLE WORD you say. Every gesture, every sigh, every word.

He's confused, he's worried, he's scared out of his mind. If this is who he is (and that's for him to determine, he will come to decide and you need to trust him,) do you seriously believe that the God you believe in didn't make him this way? Where in your sacred text does it say that transgendered people are wrong?

Help him discover who he is, not how you want him to be. The way you handle this will not determine who he truly is, but it will determine whether he deals with it in a healthy way.

He's too young for this to be sexual. Remember that at this age, his feelings are pure. This is how he feels with no influences. Again, it could be a phase, but don't say that to him. If it's a phase, he will come out of it himself. Your pushing one way or the other won't influence that, only whether he hides how he feels. If he hides how he feels, this can drive to LYING, ANGER, and even SUICIDE.

The way you and your wife handle this with him could SAVE HIS LIFE or DESTROY IT. you need to seriously consider your relationship with your God and if you really believe your God would want you to make him ashamed of who he is.

You are handling this well so far, please continue to be supportive and love him how he is.

IsYouCereal · 3 months

your story reminds me of a documentary i watched on youtube. i just looked for it again, and the title of the documentary is as if it was made for you and your son. it's called "Bodyshock - Age 8 and Wanting a Sex Change"

the documentary was divided into 5 parts on youtube: link for the first part

ypsm · 3 months

Listen to or read these three stories:

Two Families Grapple with Sons' Gender Identity (NPR)
Parents Consider Treatment to Delay Son's Puberty (NPR)
Somewhere Out There (This American Life)

Good luck.

medussa727 · 3 months

Speaking from experience, please take this seriously. I knew I was trans at age 4, and have been absolutely miserable since 12. Thankfully for me, religion wasn't an added complication, as this is difficult enough on it's own. Your child is going to need support, and judging by what you said, her mother isn't going to provide it.

I come from a very christian home and this is against what I believe. despite that, I love my son with all my heart and I would never do or say anything to hurt him, even though my religion tells me to be against this.

The Bible doesn't say anything at all about transsexualism. Trust that your god has a reason to do this. If your child is trans, nothing you can do will change that. All you will do is push her away by trying. If he isn't, then most likely harm of indulging him is a few embarrassing memories.

I'm trying to understand this but I really just don't know what to say, think, or feel. He's my little boy and I love him so much, yet I don't know if this is just a phase or if I should take action. He's always wanted to dress like a girl for years but I just figured it was normal kid things.

If it's been years, it's very unlikely to be a phase. Still possible, but unlikely. Thankfully, you still have a few more years before any medical intervention is necessary. If your child says she's trans at 5, and at 8, and at 12, then you should believe her.

But about two hours ago, he was in a very bad mood and snapping at me more than usual so I finally said "Andrew, what on earth is your problem?" and he threw his phone on the wall and yelled "I don't feel like this is even my body!" ...which eventually led to him saying he wants to be a girl and stomping off to his room.

He's in there still because I really don't know what I should do or say to him. I've been trying to think about what I could say but I keep coming up blank and I don't want to screw this up.

<3 this part. Thank you for caring enough to want to do what is best for her and not just for you. That is the characteristic of an amazing parent, and unfortunately, quite rare.

As for specific advice, I suggest asking her as many questions as you can think of. How long have you felt this way? What do you want to do about it? Is there anything I can do to help you? Learn what you can from the internet, and provide that information when she asks about it. You'll both be doing a lot of learning in the next few years.

All parents have dreams for their kid and I'll be honest... I did not expect my son to be like this. I know this sounds horrible but I'm just being honest... I don't want to lose him but the thought of him being unhappy with his own body makes me scared he might kill himself or something :(

I don't want to scare you, but it's not impossible. The harder the people in her life fight it, the more likely it becomes. Again, speaking from experience, I stopped wanting to live at 15 (now 28), and only my intense curiosity has kept me alive. It's possible she'll find something to keep her going despite the pressure, and it's possible she won't. The best plan is to reduce the pressure as much as you can.

I just really don't know what to do :( I don't even know how I would bring this up with my wife, who I fear will not be as understanding as me with this (she's very religious, way more than me).

It's not always possible, but my best suggestion is to find a therapist that specializes in Gender issues in your area. (You'll probably have to look in a larger city to find one) Go with her alone at first, then bring you wife. Hopefully the therapist will help your wife deal with this as much as he will help your child. There is a lot to deal with, and it gets easier over time when being treated. But the opposite is also true. If your child is already this unhappy, things will get very bad if you can't convince your wife that this is going to happen with or without her approval.

For the record I have never told him it's wrong or that there is something wrong with him. I haven't said much of anything. I've always allowed him to dress up as a girl even though my wife was against it but I honestly just thought it was harmless and he was just being a kid. I already know my wife is going to blame me if I tell her this, even if it's not anyone fault and that's just how it is. I just want some advice because I'm trying to be understanding but I really don't know what to do and even though I'm trying to be understanding it is freaking me out. that does NOT mean I'm going to try to send him to a bible camp to beat it out of him or something but geez, can't a guy I admit to freaking out without being called a bad parent?

Bad parent? You seem like the opposite of a bad parent. Please continue to be an advocate for your child. She's going to need it. You are right, this is no one's fault. But it might be difficult to convince those you need to convince of that. I don't envy you, or your child, but you can all make it through this. It won't be easy, but from what I've read, I'm sure you'll make the effort.

Derelyk · 3 months

First thing you should do is go tell him you love him. He's just told you something I'm sure he knows scares you (maybe he doesn't undestand why, but he does). Show him your unconditional love and support.

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, the above will last him a lifetime.

After that, I would make an appointment for you, with a family therapist. Just to talk this through with a 3rd party.

tunafack · 3 months

What do you mean, help? let him do it. If it's a phase, it's a phase. If it isn't, it's his gender identity. Just let the kid be himself. Fuck anyone who says otherwise.

AdonisChrist · 3 months

'daww. Let him wear dresses. Support it.

Last Spring through the Summer I wore dresses and skirts. I started off not wearing a shirt for comfort reasons and because I could in lots of places (legality vs. social acceptability). I decided why not see if stereotypically women's clothing was comfortable. It was. That said, looking back, I realize it became somewhat forced near the end. I think it was because I knew some people (my family included) disapproved on some level and I was unwilling to "give in". I missed pockets, though.

Such a thing also helped me get in touch with my "feminine" side. Why should your son have to be a boy or a girl? Why not both? That's what I am. Although tbh it isn't something I think on very often.

There's something nice about wearing clothes designed to make you feel sexy, though.

But yeah, let him wear dresses. Support him. I realized it wasn't for me. Maybe I'll wear some stuff from that part of my wardrobe when it gets warmer again. I doubt I'll wear exclusively such, as I did last year, but I see no reason to choose one over the other.

Make sure you don't belittle or understate the problem. Identity issues are important. It is very important to be comfortable in your own skin, and resolving problems is how that happens.

Ninja edit: I'm a 19yo male in university, for context. I did not "dress up" as I've seen it called in my brief forays into cross dressing communities. I'm hairy. I sported a full beard with a red cocktail dress. Or black miniskirt with a white bow on the side. I didn't wear a bra or padding. I wore boxers. I wore my VFFs. That said, my main goal was comfort. The "femininity" bit was just a really nice side effect.

SpecialEmily · 3 months

Buy him a couple of girl toys, see how he takes to it. Disregard your religion, no matter what your faith tells you, this is about your child being happy. Maybe he'll grow out of it, maybe he will find himself and be a lovely daughter. Whats important is that you don't force him one way or the other, give him the opportunity to find himself.

Look into pediatric puberty intervention, if he really does find that he wishes to be a girl, this will make her SO SO SO much happier in life. And if not, well you've only wasted a bit of time talking to some doctors :)

Your kid will figure this out on their own, just support them and give them options. Maybe some more girly clothing options and add some more feminine activities into your life :)

Good luck, be supportive and everything will turn out fine!

(Oh, and I mean it, puberty intervention IF she turns out she is a she, will be such an incredibly huge blessing for her.)

lukewilliam · 3 months

My mom told me when i was around 8 that i used to want to grow up to be a girl and i would wear girls clothes, i grew up fine, i dont wear girls clothes or want to be one.

ilinotheblue · 3 months

What this sounds like is a possible case of GID (Gender Identiry Disorder). Many times people with this disorder feel they are in the wrong body and don't feel comfortable in their own skin. It's nothing life threatening, it's just as confusing for the child as it is for the parents. They normally know from a relatively young age that they don't feel like they're in the right body, but this is just a speculation, not a diagnosis. Do not take him to a psychologist saying he has GID. This is just my opinion, nothing more.

Although I do agree with ImNotJesus, schedule an appointment with psychologist and do not involve religion. It could be a phase, but at the same time it might not be. It might have to wait until he reaches maturity to get an official diagnosis as to whether it is GID or not, but regardless of the what it is, love him and support him. He's your son. If he wants to dress like a girl, just support him. If he feels neglected by his family, it can lead to severe consequences. It is crucial that he doesn't feel neglected. Children need to feel accepted by their parents and family, and if they don't have that then emotional problems can manifest and it's not fun for anyone.

Just try to be understanding and let him know that you accept him no matter what.

If by chance it does end up being GID, more often than not they go for gender reassignment surgery. If this is the case, please be understanding.

Whatever this may be, no one is at fault. You and your wife did nothing wrong as parents, and no one is to blame. Do not blame yourselves, do not blame your son, there is no blame to lay on anyone or anything. This kind of thing just happens sometimes. Not really sure how, but it does.

Just remember to support him and love him.

edit: pressed enter before I finished typing.

Roxabilliejones · 3 months

Your son has no reason to make it up, so he most likely really feels that way. Find a therapist that can help you both with the issue!

picklejuicebox · 3 months

Doesn't sounds horrible at all, it sounds like you're doing the best you can based on your belief system. Might benefit from family counseling; it could help you figure out what's going on with your son and how you and your wife want to approach it, whether it be genuine gender identity issues or typical 8 year old acting out.

3 months

[deleted]

istara · 3 months

Your religion is irrelevant to this. Transgenderism - if indeed that is what he has - is a physical condition. It's like saying your religion is "against" him being left-handed, or short-sighted, or albino.

You need to stop considering this as something related to "sex" or "sin". He is what he is. It may be a phase, and it may be his true identity. Clothes are just clothes, it can't be "against" a religion to wear a specific colour or style, or not wear them.

gogt200 · 3 months

Please please please please let him be himself. Or, as it sounds, herself. I am a transwoman (MtF) and I started transitioning last March. It has been the greatest experience of my life. I have become so much happier with myself and have just felt so much better! The only regret I have is being to scared to speak up about it sooner. So I have gone through puberty and stuck with this fucking body hair and crap unless I pour money into electrolysis. This is so incredibly normal, there are so many people who go through this same thing everyday. Just make sure you love him/her no matter what. So many trans kids commit suicide because they don't have support. And feel free to PM me any questions or anything. If you live in Iowa I can even give you some info on local LGBT stuff and a meeting for transgender individuals and those around them. But, please, no matter what, love your child. Judging by what he is saying, this isn't a phase. You most likely have a daughter. And yes, it is perfectly normal for your son to feel this way. And yes, it is perfectly normal for you to feel like you've lost your son. Many parents go through the stages of grief after finding out their child is transgender. But you haven't. Not at all. Again, feel free to PM me, I can probably even get a parent of a 14 year old transman to talk to you too if you like. Don't worry, everything will be fine. And to your son: It's okay to be you. Doesn't matter what anyone else says or does, be who you feel you are and people who love you will always be with you. :)

kawaiipiranha · 3 months

Listen. I come from a religious family. I'm not gay, nor do I feel like a "girl trapped in a boys body".

I grew up not really believing in god, and my father absolutely destroyed a huge part of my self esteem and confidence because I thought differently.

Like it or not, your son is NOT you. Just because you believe something is wrong does NOT give you the right to make him feel like its wrong.

If your son is being honest, this isn't a choice he's made. He was born like this, and if you make him feel like he's doing something wrong for just being himself, you're going to SERIOUSLY screw him up. You need to be supportive.

My father was and is still not supportive of me because I'm not religious, and because I don't like sports or cars. He's not supportive of my art or my emotions. Take it from someone who grew up with a parent who didn't support who they were.

He will grow to loathe you and himself unless you support him.

I remember watching a documentary in high school about a boy who felt the same way as your son. It's a real condition. I don't remember the title, but it was very moving.

I hope, for your son's sake, that you do the right thing and support him.

papermageling · 3 months

Make sure that he knows that you love him, and that you will always love him.

That said, he is eight. I wouldn't worry about it. I wanted to be a tree for a while. He'll probably change his mind. He might not. It's not really obvious until puberty.

From your post, I don't think your son is likely to end up terribly unhappy, because I think you are willing to accept him and love him even if he does end up trans or gay. A lot of my gay friends have somewhat conservative parents (anti-gay marriage, etc), and while they were all nervous about coming out, I think they subconsciously suspected that their parents would still accept them, and they all have.

tossitchuckitloseit · 3 months

Throwaway here.

Though it is quite possible that your son is going through a phase, I should point out something I learned in a psych of gender class a few years ago: Many male to female transgendered people are aware, at least on some level, that they feel trapped in the wrong body by the time they're 3 or 4 years old. Don't necessarily negate the validity of your son's complaints just because he's only eight.

As the child of a trans person myself, I think it's important to remember that he's still the same person you love. No matter what happens with your son's sexual or gender identity down the road, he's always going to be your son. Love him, let him be himself, and let him be an eight-year-old. That's the greatest gift you can give him.

Good luck. You're already on the right track.

wildeflowers · 3 months

I was getting ready to tell you to not make a big deal of it because it's just something little kids play around with a bit, but then I read your whole post. The things he's been saying and doing read more serious than a kid just playing around with gender identity, as kids are wont to do. It may just be a phase, but if it's not, this time will be critical for him.

You're not a bad parent. I think you should find a therapist, now, stat, and the whole family needs to meet with him/her, including your wife. This is going to be a whole lot of stress on you, on her, on your marriage and on your son. If it pans out that your son is trans, and you support him and your wife doesn't, it may cost you your marriage. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to drop even more stress on you, but it has happened. Having a therapist navigate this with you and her may save it.

Also, forts are indeed awesome.

Errday_Im_Hylian · 3 months

Whatever you do, please do not make him feel unloved. I told my very Christian parents I was an atheist when I was in eighth grade, they made it very clear they didn't like that, and that I needed "some sort of faith" to be with the family.

I blame this for fucking me up. I had a lot of suicidal thoughts in freshman year, and if you make this point clear with your son, it could have the same effect.

He's your child, and sometimes children do unexpected things. That's just the way the cookie crumbles. He's probably more confused and troubled than you are, and he's looking to you for support. Please put your faith aside and give him that support he needs. Internet hugs to you and your son.

Zippy_The_Chimp · 3 months

Don't be a dick. If your son is gay or w/e, there's not a god damned thing you can do about it. You can either make his life hence forth a living hell or you can support him and make him realize that there's nothing wrong with him.

spaxcow · 3 months

Talk to your son and make sure he understands that you will love him no matter what. You might want to take some time before doing this, but have a serious conversation about his feelings with him. Maybe find a therapist for him. No matter what, make sure he knows he is loved, even if he does decided to transition to female when he's older.

As for the idea that he's 8 and doesn't know what he's talking about, I figured out that I wanted to be the opposite sex when I was four. I recently found a study that found that most transgendered kids figure it out around your child's age or younger. If you need me to, I can try to find the study again for you. That being said, it can also be a phase, but don't assume as much. If he wants to be a girl, let him be a girl. If her later decides that he was wrong and is actually a boy, let him be a boy.

The most important thing that you can do in all of this is support and love him no matter what.

Also, if he is transgendered, it is not because you failed or did something wrong as a parent. The best parent in the world could end up having a transgendered child.

adamjm · 3 months

You can be a bit freaked out, you can be unsure of what to do. But if you put your religious views ahead of supporting your kid you are a bad parent, no matter what you ... dress it up as.

LocrianMode · 3 months

If your son decides to transition and become a woman, he may/will face a world that is extremely hostile to people like him. There have been several recent incidents of transgender people, mostly transwomen (male to female) if I recall correctly, being murdered by being set on fire.

I'm not saying this so you will forbid any transition out of fear for your child, I'm saying this so you grasp the importance of you supporting your child. Your child may face the world, but having you on his side may make all the difference in the world.

I don't want to belittle your religious beliefs, but please realize that your child should come well before that. I hope you and your wife will understand that.

[deleted] · 3 months

My best friend held this in for so many years, which mentally tortured her for most of her life. She finally opened up and the hardest thing was the lack of support from her parents. Support your son, take him to see someone who will talk to him. There is a chance that this is just a phase, but there's also a chance that it's not.

Support is the number one thing I can stress, and love. Accept your son for who he is. If he was placed in the wrong body, you need to accept that. No eight year old is going to lie about how they feel inside. There quite possibly could be a little girl inside the body of your little boy. Try to understand what's going on in his mind.

I understand your religion has you believing something else entirely, and I don't want to force you to change your mind or believe something else but right now this is your son. You need to stand strong for him and find someone that can tell you what he needs. Best of luck to you. Please don't let your son go through the troubles my friend did. She's now cut off attempting to pay for hormones and college. Be supportive.

Zorbius · 3 months

Maybe it's been said already, but have you asked him why he wants this? Could very well be he thinks it's just cooler to be a girl for some reason.

You say he was snapping at you more than usual? So he was upset over something? And he specifically talked about how he felt in his body? How is that something that is in the mindset of an 8 year old? Why is he even thinking about it? Most 8 year olds I've ever encountered, now and back when I was 8, hold a straight set of thoughts for 10 minutes and then it's on to something new. If he's so specific about this, the topic is probably something he's confronted with a lot, and from the looks of it in ways that make him feel bad about himself.

Have you considered the option that maybe some girls are picking on him? Young girls will sometimes bully boys, simply because they're boys. Call them names, insisting that being a boy means you're stupid and even physical violence. Should be worth considering. If this turns out to be the case, it might be that he thinks that if he becomes a girl, the bullying will end and everything will be sunshine and rainbows.

Here's some links:

Boy's don't tell

How girls bully

MoosePilot · 3 months

Accept him.

Lawtonfogle · 3 months

I come from a very christian home and this is against what I believe.\

Think of it this way. Do you think sometimes God allows babies to be born without an arm or leg? Do you think sometimes God allows two babies to be born that are stuck together in such a way to separate them would kill at least one of them? Do you think God sometimes allows a person to be born with genetics that means they will likely never learn how to read or write, much less go to college? Do you think sometimes God allows a baby to be born who has something messed up about them?

If you do, this is just another case. The only difference is that from the outside, your child looks normal, and so you want to believe that your child is normal; no parent would want their child to be imperfect in some way. Yet, this is the case and you will have to deal with it. The sooner you can accept that this is a medical condition that needs professions help the better chance your child has of surviving.

Flebas · 3 months

I'm sure people in this topic have given you plenty of links to gender-identity conditions (the "feel like this isn't my body" raises concern). But do remember that no condition can be assessed overnight, especially while your son is feeling upset. It is normal to be upset, or even angry... everyone goes through different feelings when they're concerned about the well-being of their child. I'm glad to hear that you are committed to him.

Even if it is upsetting to her, you should be forthcoming with your wife about his behavior. Chances are he's said something similar to her as well. You can work together to decide what course of action to take, if any. If she is having difficulty accepting your point of view, you can be a good spiritual leader by reminding her of Galatians 3:28: "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." God may have given you the opportunity to truly understand this in your son.

If it turns out that your son has a female gender identity, I encourage you to support him in every way you can. There are many resources for Christian parents online and in the community. Here's a good place to start. Transgender identity is a well-documented condition-- you and your wife must understand that there can be terrible consequences if you try to suppress his natural tendencies. Remember-- just by asking this question, you have demonstrated you care for your son! Your family will get through this :) TL;DR: Galatians 3:28

00000000005 · 3 months

The only thing that really concerns me is the fact that he said "I don't feel like this is even my body!" Sure, it could just be kid stuff, but then again if he is really that uncomfortable with his body at such a young age it could be something else. Not necessarily transgender, but a case of body dysmorphia or gender identity disorder (that really shouldn't be considered a 'disorder'). I say support him and leave the religion out! Even post this question in the r/lgbt. The folks over there will be able to tell you if that's how they felt as a kid or if you should just be carefree. Also~ Total points for being understanding and not "beating the gay" out of him (trust me, I've heard this far too many times.) No matter who he is, he's lucky to have such a great dad! Keep up the great work!!!

jollyjew · 3 months

Ohh poor kid. This is so difficult. I suggest taking him to therapy (not to fix him or anything like that) but so he has someone understanding to talk to. Please support him!! It is totally understandable you freaked out. That is big news coming from an 8 year old.

alphawolf29 · 3 months

Congratulations, it's a girl!

nailphile · 3 months

I don't personally know how that feels, but I'm going to try to make an analogy. I hope it's at least a little accurate.

Ok...I remember when I was little they told us it used to be bad to be left handed. My teachers would tell us how their teachers would take pencils out of student's left hand and placed it in their right hands. Sure you know it's what you're SUPPOSED to be doing, but it just feels wrong. I can only imagine thats how your son feels only on a larger scale.

Good luck! Keep us updated.

lincompris · 3 months

Simple. Either a.), he'll grow out of it, or b.) she won't, and you love and accept her for who she is anyway.

Also: there is a Transgender subreddit if you want to ask people there for their perspective on how it feels to be TG. Also also: I'm friends with a lot of great people who are transgender as well, and I can direct you to tons of other resources about it. Transgender people might seem "weird" or vaguely threatening to everything you know as a person in a world of binary gender, but seriously.. once you learn about it, it won't seem that way anymore.

Fact: If you want to have a great relationship with your kid, you will HAVE to accept this about him/her. Please believe me when I tell you that your efforts will be worth it.

bakonydraco · 3 months

Where exactly does Christianity say it's against transgender? Sure there's bits here and there in the bible about outdated gender norms, just like there's bits about outdated eating habits, but Jesus is pretty explicit that loving the people around you is all that really matters. Loving your daughter (and you should start thinking of her as your daughter), includes recognizing her as she sees herself.

Wintertree · 3 months

First, visit the PFLAG site for transgender people and their families. You are not the first to feel overwhelmed, and you will not be the last. You are not a bad parent for being uncertain. It is obvious that you love your child, so take a breather.

I have a question... why is it against your religion? Does your interpretation of your faith find transgendered as wrong, or is it simply other people's interpretations? I am not personally religious, but this is how I see it. If God has created so many hardships in life that we must overcome to become stronger (famine, disease, death, floods), then couldn't this be the same thing as well? I see nothing in this that your religion is against other than years of ignorance and fear. If Jesus was alive today, would he damn your child to Hell for wanting to express his/her true self? From what I've read and heard, I do not believe so. Take a good hard look at your faith: is it really that incompatible?

If your son truly feels/wants to be a girl, I absolutely wish him the best of luck. His/her life will not be easy on the outside, but s/he will feel happier and at peace on the inside. As for fearing that he might hurt himself, those statistics are significantly higher when the person feels isolated from family/society. Start surrounding yourself with "non-traditional families" -- single parent, same-sex parents, etc. Communication is the best way to overcome things.

We're trying to tackle more gender-role/transgender issues at my school, so I have a bunch of links/interesting articles. Please PM me if you want to talk/get more info.

GhostSongX4 · 3 months

If you don't know what to tell him, tell him he's not alone. Tell him this happens a lot and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Then consider taking him to talk to a psychiatrist because honestly this is one of those situations that are out of our area of expertise.

nonodoggie · 3 months

First of all, kudos to you for being a good parent. It speaks volumes that you're trying to understand your kid and do what's best for them; there are lots of parents who would punish their child or send them to therapy to be "fixed" for this (including several that I know personally).

And don't worry about freaking out -- my own parents freaked out when I told them I am trans, and I was 19. My trans friends' parents have also freaked out. Not out of hatred, necessarily, (although that's sometimes been the case) but because it's a big shock for a parent who has never considered that their kid may be transgender and doesn't know what the future holds or want them to get hurt.

Your kid may or may not be transgender. It sounds like they very well may be, though, and I'd be inclined to listen as it takes a lot for a kid to say something as clear as what Andrew said.

My advice: go talk to 'em, just parent to child. Don't worry about the religious stuff right now. They're clearly hurting and would probably benefit from a hug and someone to talk to. Even if you don't understand -- and they may not either -- just listen. I would suggest asking if they have a name they prefer instead of Andrew, or if they'd like to use she/her/hers as pronouns instead of he/him/his. Any answer is ok. But it may mean the world to your kid if they know you're trying and accepting. It really does hurt to feel like your body isn't yours -- this is gender dysphoria -- and calling your child by their preferred name and pronouns can really help. So too will allowing them to express their gender however it is they see fit.

If it turns out that your kid isn't trans, that's dandy. If it turns out that they are, that's dandy too, but managing this as a kind and caring parent can make an unbelievable amount of difference. You don't have to know all the answers, and it's ok to be worried and scared. Just love your child and try to support them as best you can.

You may find it helpful to talk with other parents, particularly those of trans children. This can be a very overwhelming experience, and especially with all the information (and misinformation) that's out there. But most importantly, talk with your kid. It's hard growing up, and it's even harder growing up trans. But if you keep talking and share this experience together, things will go much better.

And please, feel free to message me if you have any questions or want to talk or anything like that.

ifihadlegs · 3 months

I don't want to terrify you, but you should know this. It is absolutely crucial that you accept your child for who they are, or you risk losing them. I have several friends who are trans (including my best friend and my room mates), and most of them have little or no contact with their families. They have serious, serious emotional and mental health issues related to their families not accepting their transition. My room mate cried on her birthday because her mother still refused to use her chosen name (which she had legally changed over five years ago) when addressing the card.

I suggest you sit down and do a lot of reading over the next few days. Learn everything you can about transgender people. The best way you can help your child is to overcome your prejudices and lack of knowledge, so that you can be the accepting, loving, and supportive father that your child deserves.

Trans Youth Family Allies is a great place to start.

I wish you and your family the best of luck, and you can PM me any time.

tylernerd · 3 months

Then you let him be the prettiest damn girl on the fucking planet. Also, karate lessons.

aasdfr123 · 3 months

I read an interesting article about a similar case a few years ago, here's the Wikipedia page (a little short I know).

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kim_Petras

What is not mentioned in the article is that she received hormons to block male puberty when she was 11 years old and hormons to induce female puberty. The big advantage is that she has the body of a girl, wider hips, natural breasts etc. which I assume makes things a lot easier for her.

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