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What's the funniest or strangest sexual misconception you've ever heard? [NSFW] (self.AskReddit)

submitted ago* by PerogiXW

While on ventrilo the subject of a "circlejerk" came up and one of my younger guildmates (He was 14-15 at the time) said "Isn't that where a bunch of dudes cum on a bagel and the last one to finish has to eat it?"

EDIT: Apparently what my 14 year old guildmate described is actually a variation on the circlejerk known as Cookies & Cream, Biscuits and Gravy, Limp Biscuit, Soggy Muffin, Soggy Waffle, and more. TIL.

EDIT 2: Also Ookie Cookie.

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[–]dmartian523 591 points592 points ago

When I was 8 years old or so, my good old dad gave me the talk. What I got out of it was that girls get pregnant when guys pee into them. I proceeded to tell my group of friends. They were all blown away. The worst part is that my parents made me apologize to all of my friend's parents for telling their children about "sexual intercourse."

[–]LipStick_SuckerPunch 1536 points1537 points ago

In high school a friend of mine (16) asked me if boys had periods. I gave her a weird look and asked her what she meant. She went on to tell me that an older guy out of high school took her to his house and tried to get her to give him a blowjob... but there was a small amount of blood colored substance coming from his tip. He told her he was just having his period and not to worry about it. She told me she didn't do anything with him but I made her go to the doctor anyway.

[–][deleted] 1223 points1224 points ago

oh my dear god.

[–]nitefang 643 points644 points ago

Yea...that guy should probably see a doctor. Though someone should break his nose first, do it all in one trip.

[–]Bladelink 158 points159 points ago

I would definitely break his nose after the doctor. He deserves the inconvenience of an extra drive to the hospital.

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    [–]botanicas 616 points617 points ago

    posts on reddit don't always make me flinch but when they do OH FUKCLKSD

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      [–]SoupMina 914 points915 points ago

      I used to think oral sex meant talking about sex.

      [–]Camper_Velourium 270 points271 points ago

      I thought it was analogous to phone sex.

      [–]ascii42 333 points334 points ago

      Would that be aural sex?

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          [–]netr0 808 points809 points ago

          This is kind of embarassing, but when I heard the term "butt sex", I thought this was accomplished but pushing your butt against someone elses butt. I was about 12 when I learned what it really was.

          [–]jonatcer 782 points783 points ago

          ))<>((

          [–]nicolai93 478 points479 points ago

          Forever.

          [–]StapleNinja 143 points144 points ago

          The same poop.

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              [–]Proserpina 608 points609 points ago

              ASS TO ASS

              [–]rattoucher 357 points358 points ago

              The best movie that I will never watch again.

              [–]pegcityjammin 29 points30 points ago

              Requiem for a dream is a great movie, but afterwards you just want to curl up into a ball and stare at the wall for an hour or so

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                    [–]asdfpotato 1581 points1582 points ago

                    One of my female friends from high school was convinced that a penis writhes around like a water hose upon ejaculation.

                    [–]Sugar_buddy 1239 points1240 points ago

                    The ones who do...good party trick.

                    [–]RAMBOASTIN 1402 points1403 points ago

                    I have to slap mine with a shoe to get it to stop.

                    [–]giometrygio 752 points753 points ago

                    sauce

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                          [–]TehScrumpy 979 points980 points ago

                          When I was in high school I thought that the licking between the fingers motion (cunnilingus sign) was another form of rockin or just some heavy metal thing. At the dinner table one night I threw it to my guitar playing brother. He gave me this astonished look. I knew at that point that it wasn't what I thought it was.

                          I figured out what it was years later, from tv I think. It was accurate at the time.

                          [–]Proserpina 399 points400 points ago

                          Blame Gene Simmons.

                          [–]othermatt 335 points336 points ago

                          When my cousin came back from Iraq he had a bunch of pictures from around the base. Nearly every one of them had someone throwin up the shocker.

                          Anyway he's showing the pictures to the family and stupid me walks in the room, sees the sign and goes "heh, is that the shocker?" He was like, "yeah."

                          So then everyone: parents, aunts, uncles, even grandma turned to me and said "oh is that what it's called? What's a shocker Matt?"

                          Noped my ass on out there. Sorry grandma but I'm not going to explain the shocker to you.

                          [–]KaiKamikaze 199 points200 points ago

                          My brother was asked to design shirts for his high school baseball team last year. On the front it says "East" with the 'E' being a hand throwing a shocker.

                          Two weeks ago, my mom tells me she overheard some other parents talking about the shirts. At first she was so proud of my brother, but as they went on to explain what they meant, she just became more and more embarrassed (my mom didn't actually say anything during this conversation, for the record). She confronted my brother about it and he denied all knowledge of the meaning of the hand sign.

                          On the back of the shirt it says "Shocking the world".

                          My brother and I laughed long and hard about it.

                          TL;DR My brother is a dirty liar.

                          [–]Symporter 47 points48 points ago

                          Oh god. You just gave me a flashback that I had apparently repressed quite well. My family stopped by a brookstone at a higher-end shopping center, and were just dicking around with various speakers and such. My great aunt was off in a corner, of which I couldn't see much. I manage to hear her mutter, "who would pay 2000 dollars for this little thing?" and catch a glimpse of some gold object. She calls me over, asking, "What is this?" And then I see. My great aunt, a woman who practically raised me, who is more catholic than the pope, has called me over to ask what a large selection of vibrators were in a Brookstone packed full of people. My brain goes numb from the awkward overload, and somehow I manage to shrug and murmur "I don't know..." and immediately begin the long stroll towards the exit. As I exit, I see my dad standing in the entrance, chuckling while looking in my direction. Only when I reach him does he burst out laughing. I turn back, and there in plain view, is my younger brother in the very same trap I fell into. Thankfully the sacrifice of his sanity was enough to save me from life as a traumatized zombie.

                          All that I had managed to block out until reading your comment.
                          Safe to say I'll be curled up in the fetal position in my shower for a while.
                          Thanks.

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                              [–]zhubrixxx 725 points726 points ago

                              When I was seven, my closest friend at the time explained to me quite authoritatively that, during intercourse, the glans detaches from the rest of the penis and falls deep inside, to then become the head of the baby. It eventually grows back after a couple of days. The most frequently you had sex, the faster it regrew. On married men it would regrow overnight. I then proceeded to have a nightmare of my glans detaching while in the bathtub and floating aimlessly on the surface.

                              [–]yupisyup 112 points113 points ago

                              That sounds like a David Lynch movie.

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                                [–]caresaboutlife 728 points729 points ago

                                Ugh... this just reminds me of an awkward story from my childhood.

                                When I was 13 or 14 I 'hooked up' with my first girl. We were making out in my friends basement when I started rubbing her crotch thinking I was getting her off. For some reason, (it must have been all the nude pictures of girls I saw that were always at strange perspectives), I though that a girls vagina was somewhere right under their belly-button, and not in between their legs.

                                We fooled around for probably around an hour until my friend came in and wondered what the hell we were doing. All she said was, 'It's cool Matt, it's not like we were doing anything sexual, he was just rubbing my stomach.' Felt like a Grade-A dumbass.

                                [–]botanicas 676 points677 points ago

                                you rubbed her stomach for an hour? did your wish get granted?

                                [–]DifferentOpinion1 720 points721 points ago

                                naw, but she did lick his nose and wag her tail.

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                                  [–]violetwaterfall 138 points139 points ago

                                  Had you never seen a girl in a bikini?

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                                    [–]downthealley 1148 points1149 points ago

                                    I met someone when I was a kid who thought that the biological sex of a child depended on which hole the father had sex with in the mother. I remember them thinking that anal sex made boys, and vaginal sex made girls.

                                    [–]Kvothe24 339 points340 points ago

                                    Were boys also then born through the anus?

                                    ohgod

                                    [–]annoying_meme_user 685 points686 points ago

                                    Could he explain Octomom?

                                    [–]Neato 889 points890 points ago

                                    The oft-misunderstood fetish of octo-penetration.

                                    [–]zops 339 points340 points ago*

                                    As a kid, I thought girls peed out of their butt. When I was 6 or 7, I had that kind of diarrhea that's pretty much just liquid. Thinking I was peeing out of my butt - I must have obviously turned into a girl overnight. In a complete panic, I ran down the stairs screaming, "Mom! mom! Help me! I'm a girl!". I don't think she ever understood.

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                                          [–]thepainteddoor 543 points544 points ago

                                          I knew a girl who was in her 20s and quite sexually active, but had NO CLUE about the dangers of STDs, which I found incredible since that stuff is drilled into people's heads since grade school, in my generation.

                                          I had a friend who thought that the only STD that existed was AIDS. He, uh.. learned a difficult lesson from one of his girlfriends.

                                          [–]mriparian 1563 points1564 points ago

                                          If your gonorrhea takes a while to become symptomatic, do you call it The Slow Clap?

                                          [–]Harmon17 973 points974 points ago

                                          you've been saving that one

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                                              [–]brezzz 295 points296 points ago*

                                              When I heard about the "69", I heard that the man got head while he ate the girl out. I thought it meant he was eating food while he got blown. Like just sitting there eating take out or something. I thought it was the best move because you had to be really cool to distract yourself while getting a BJ like that.

                                              [–]effieokay 1383 points1384 points ago*

                                              I remember in 6th grade a friend of mine thought guys masturbated by putting their own penises into their butts.

                                              ETA: The friend in question was a girl, you weirdos.

                                              [–]runmymouth 1345 points1346 points ago

                                              Hence, go fuck yourself.

                                              [–]brandoncordell 1005 points1006 points ago

                                              An old man and his grandson go fishing one day. The grandfather opens himself a nice cold beer.

                                              The grandson asks "Grampa can I have some?"

                                              The grandfather asks him "can your dick touch your ass?" The kid answers "no" so his grandfather says "then you're not old enough to drink beer."

                                              A few weeks later they go fishing again and the grandfather starts puffing on a cigar. The grandson asks "Grampa can I have some?"

                                              The grandfather asks "Can your dick touch your ass?" The grandson again answers "NO" so the grandfather says "Then no... You're not old enough."

                                              A few weeks pass when they go fishing again. The grandfather grabs a flask of whiskey. The grandson asks again "Can I PLEASE have some?". Again the grandfather asks "Can your dick touch your ass?" Without missing a beat the grandson says "Yeah, it can!". The grandfather retorts "So go fuck yourself, you're not old enough yet."

                                              [–]Colin345 457 points458 points ago

                                              The way I heard that end is one day the grandma gives the boy a plate of cookies, and the grandpa asks "Can I have some?" To which the boy asks "can your dick touch your ass?"

                                              The grandpa proudly says "yes, yes it can." "Then go fuck yourself, grandma gave these to me."

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                                                  [–][deleted] 692 points693 points ago

                                                  In the days before the internet, young gentlemen acquired pornography in printed form. A friend of mine believed that once an erection had been achieved by perusing the pictures, that masturbation was subsequently performed by rolling said magazine into a tubular form to use as a substitute vagina.

                                                  [–]oed706 254 points255 points ago

                                                  There was a time before the internet? Also, thank goodness for sex ed.

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                                                    [–]lspetry53 156 points157 points ago

                                                    Ah yes, corking.

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                                                      [–]zombie_lawyer 242 points243 points ago

                                                      As a kid, I thought the slang "bust a nut" meant you actually BUSTED your testicles when you had sex. I thought every family could only have two kids because every man could only bust two nuts in his lifetime. Good God, I'm glad I was wrong.

                                                      [–]DeadlyDave 902 points903 points ago

                                                      When I was about 12 years old, I thought clitoris was the word for the head of my penis. I was riding my bike through a trail and slipped in some loose dirt, and I fell to the ground, hitting my dick-head on my bike as I fell. It hurt terribly, and I was running around in the woods screaming "MY CLIT!! MY CLIT!!"

                                                      [–]MyMindisElevated 323 points324 points ago

                                                      to be fair. thats kinda right.

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                                                        [–]DrMarvelous 424 points425 points ago*

                                                        The conception of my 11-year-old self: Women have only one hole down there, for peeing, pooping and babies. Just like a bird.

                                                        [–]mikesername 80 points81 points ago

                                                        Hm. TIL.

                                                        about the bird thing, not the human part. I knew that

                                                        [–]Jagyr 80 points81 points ago

                                                        It's called a cloaca (klo-AY-ka), and many species have them. Now that you know that word, you'll understand a lot more Zoidberg jokes on Futurama.

                                                        Also you'll be less enthusiastic about eating eggs.

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                                                          [–]pics-or-didnt-happen 1478 points1479 points ago

                                                          When my Dad gave me "the talk", I got the impression that pregnancy was the guaranteed result of sex.

                                                          My first question: "So you and mom did it twice, right?"

                                                          Good 'ol Dad. He actually explained the truth and that people do it for fun because it feels good.

                                                          [–]pornchitect 1166 points1167 points ago

                                                          My 12 year old daughter said basically the same thing last week. She's had the talk already with the wife, but came home from school with some idea that we'd only had sex twice. The wife and I - with gleeful grins - said "uh, no". The wife continued: "People can do it for pleasure." "Do you two, uh...?" said the daughter. The wife and I look at each other, nod. "GROSS!"

                                                          [–]yvaN_ehT_nioJ 490 points491 points ago

                                                          I was never given "the talk." Asking my mom questions about that stuff always gave me the answer "Maybe when you're older."

                                                          I ended up learning from wikipedia. I suppose you could say I was given "the talk" by Wikipedia, but then, it would be more of "the articles," then. Wouldn't it?

                                                          [–]githdar 523 points524 points ago

                                                          I ended up getting "the talk" after I lost my virginity. That was a hard one to keep a straight face through.

                                                          [–]evilharriet 28 points29 points ago

                                                          Got the talk after about two months after I conceived. Way to go Texas sex ed!

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                                                            [–]mikesername 552 points553 points ago

                                                            generations of children will be receiving the talk from wikipedia. it's the future, why talk to your shitty kid?

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                                                              [–]tjean 617 points618 points ago

                                                              If you have sex, you will get pregnant and die. It was in Mean Girls, it has to be the truth.

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                                                                [–]conundrumx 1098 points1099 points ago

                                                                Friend of a friend in high school thought that "spooning" involved her being penetrated by a spoon.

                                                                [–]Sugar_buddy 1088 points1089 points ago

                                                                ...It's not?

                                                                ...ಠ_ಠ

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                                                                  [–]wallbrack 1425 points1426 points ago

                                                                  In middle school, one of my guy friends asked me how girls pee when they have a tampon in. I was the first person to tell him that the pee hole and the tampon hole were not the same thing.

                                                                  [–]HydraCarbon 1440 points1441 points ago

                                                                  This one evaded me for quite a while too. I figured I put my pee stick in her pee hole. Makes some sense.

                                                                  [–]warpus 1668 points1669 points ago

                                                                  I have a pee penis and a semen penis. Don't you?

                                                                  [–]Acidyo 1500 points1501 points ago

                                                                  You are out drinking, go for a piss. Suddenly. Cum coming out. "Oh damn, took out the wrong penis again."

                                                                  [–]Mjilaeck 1218 points1219 points ago

                                                                  Next time I'm out drinking I'm going to mutter that just before I start pissing in the urinal.

                                                                  [–]SnailJelly 918 points919 points ago

                                                                  I like seeing the look on people's faces when I'm standing at a urinal and exclaim "Blood?! BLOOD?! That's not good!"

                                                                  [–]MmIoCuKsEeY 797 points798 points ago

                                                                  You look other men in the face at a urinal?

                                                                  [–]Thryck 1187 points1188 points ago

                                                                  Yes, with a mixture of lust and agression on my face.

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                                                                        [–]Coloneljesus 226 points227 points ago

                                                                        I think what is more likely to happen is that you start peeing put nothing comes out of the penis you are holding and your pants are wet and warm.

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                                                                          [–]Doesnt-Get-Irony 286 points287 points ago*

                                                                          I had a girl try to inflate my penis once. That hurt real bad.

                                                                          EDIT - she misconstrued the term "blowjob" with the act of blowing air into dick-holes. She thought it was hilarious.

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                                                                              [–]texasjoe 456 points457 points ago

                                                                              I used to have the misconception that the vagina was actually a hole in the front of the pubic region, where a penis would have been had they been born boys. My younger self must have logicked that since I pee out my front area, girls must as well.

                                                                              [–]mikesername 703 points704 points ago

                                                                              this. vagina is so much lower than anyone with a penis would imagine it to be

                                                                              [–]thoroughbread 563 points564 points ago

                                                                              Ha, this reminds me of my first time rubbing my second girlfriend. "Lower... lower... lower..." Are you fucking kidding me? Why didn't the last one say anything?

                                                                              [–]yakri 384 points385 points ago

                                                                              I remember that, for me it was something like, "Lower. . . . Lower. . . . Lower. . . . for fucks sake, lowe-- THAT'S MY ASS!"

                                                                              -,-

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                                                                                  [–]Pemby 42 points43 points ago

                                                                                  As a girl, I was surprised that the penis was so high up when I found out. I imagined the same sort of thing - that the penis would be about where my clit was.

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                                                                                    [–]poorsoi 353 points354 points ago

                                                                                    A girl I knew in middle school actually didn't know, either. I learned this when she asked me how I get the tampon to fit in my pee-hole, because when she tried it, it hurt quite a lot.

                                                                                    x_x

                                                                                    [–]Methofelis 200 points201 points ago

                                                                                    I had to explain this to a 37 year old man. He probably still doesn't believe it.

                                                                                    [–]izzybel12 401 points402 points ago

                                                                                    Similar story, but worse: I was traveling through China as a student from the U.S. Our leader was a 28 year old woman. It is essential to the story that I mention she was a Mormon. She was in charge of 18 teenagers. It's really challenging to find tampons in China. Someone mentioned the Diva Cup while we were discussing finding feminine devices or whatever you call them. She asks us what it is. We explain. She asks "but how do you go to the bathroom??!!" Not only was she under the impression that a urethra and vagina are the same thing, but also your anus. Did I mention that she was 28 years old? Us teenagers had to school her on the fact that women have three holes in that region of the body. I still cannot comprehend her level of ignorance. This is a true story. I'm still not sure if it's hilarious or fucking alarming.

                                                                                    [–]SampleBins 197 points198 points ago

                                                                                    She couldn't feel the difference between her own vagina and anus? I mean, when you poop, it does not feel like it's coming out of your vagina. They're not THAT close together.

                                                                                    [–]ForgettableUsername 68 points69 points ago

                                                                                    Maybe she had a cloaca.

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                                                                                        [–]TehScrumpy 523 points524 points ago

                                                                                        There was a little pink book that I have called Sex: A User's Guide. Theres a fun fact in there that a couple went to a doctor saying they were trying to have a baby but couldn't figure why they kept failing. Turns out he was putting it in the wrong place and she had a horrible infection.

                                                                                        I take it back. . . that is not a fun fact.

                                                                                        [–]Measle 552 points553 points ago*

                                                                                        I call bullshit, that hole is way too small.

                                                                                        Edit: YOU PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE

                                                                                        Edit2: GUYS I REALLY DON'T NEED TO SEE LINKS TO THAT BOOK IN r/WTF

                                                                                        [–]Kvothe24 454 points455 points ago

                                                                                        I think I've seen that book. My high school sex ed teacher showed it to us to tell us to ignore it. It said that shaking up a coke bottle and opening it into a vagina after sex is a valid form of contraception.

                                                                                        It was written by a doctor, too. Wtf.

                                                                                        [–]leet_hacksaw 753 points754 points ago

                                                                                        Until it is disproven by valid scientific method, this will now be my preferred choice of contraception.

                                                                                        [–]greath 558 points559 points ago

                                                                                        Mythbusters! Go!

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                                                                                                  [–]anexanhume 1541 points1542 points ago

                                                                                                  I thought sperm was called supreme for some reason early on. Taco Bell seemed way different back then.

                                                                                                  [–]roetheboat 633 points634 points ago

                                                                                                  My little brother used to think that getting donkey punched meant just getting punched in the forehead (which i used to do). He would go around telling everyone that his big sister donkey punched him...

                                                                                                  [–]BoxKnowsBox 179 points180 points ago

                                                                                                  relevant enough

                                                                                                  [–]stoicme 40 points41 points ago

                                                                                                  this always irritates me because he was right.

                                                                                                  [–]jfgiv 50 points51 points ago

                                                                                                  It irritates me because no one even chuckled.

                                                                                                  This irritates me because he was right.

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                                                                                                      [–]guavainindia 1073 points1074 points ago

                                                                                                      Jew here: Cannot tell you how many times I get asked if Jews have sex through a hole in a sheet.

                                                                                                      [–]bobkabob 498 points499 points ago

                                                                                                      I know a Catholic girl who thought she could avoid pregnancy by keeping a sheet between her and her guy.

                                                                                                      She got pregnant. Sounds like VERY painful, unfulfilling sex. And unsafe. But she swears she kept a sheet between them.

                                                                                                      [–]FaultyTowerz 783 points784 points ago

                                                                                                      That is some crazy sheet.

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                                                                                                        [–]Phallindrome 991 points992 points ago*

                                                                                                        I could actually find this really hot. There's something about feeling someone up through a sheet; knowing they're completely naked, having nothing but that thin cloth between you, groping each other like you've both found a secret....

                                                                                                        I need to try this.

                                                                                                        EDIT: I am apparently not the only one who needs to try this... I spread a fetish today. :3

                                                                                                        [–]ModemGhost 1593 points1594 points ago

                                                                                                        You realize that everyone around you is completely naked, having nothing but thin cloth between you, right?

                                                                                                        [–]nfreni 1328 points1329 points ago

                                                                                                        FOR THE REST OF THE DAY THIS THOUGHT IS GOING TO MAKE ME SO HAPPY.

                                                                                                        [–]54MProductions 711 points712 points ago

                                                                                                        Just don't visit your parents.

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                                                                                                          [–]Hark_An_Adventure 280 points281 points ago

                                                                                                          Whoa.

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                                                                                                            [–]Kvothe24 224 points225 points ago

                                                                                                            This idea is so weird, but I'm so into it. Now just how to pitch it to a girl..

                                                                                                            [–]apostrophie 421 points422 points ago

                                                                                                            I'm a girl and I'd be totally down. I didn't even realize I found it hot until about ... two seconds ago.

                                                                                                            [–]Kvothe24 584 points585 points ago

                                                                                                            How you doin'?

                                                                                                            [–]kylethemachine 80 points81 points ago

                                                                                                            I see you with the apostrophe in there, you know the lady too well

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                                                                                                                      [–]RobotHeather 331 points332 points ago

                                                                                                                      I used to teach horseback riding. I had a girl (maybe 10 or 11 years old) come up to me and confidently assert that gelded horses had to pee out of their butts. I told her to talk to her mom about it.

                                                                                                                      [–]danisaintdani 602 points603 points ago

                                                                                                                      That is not where I thought this post was going.

                                                                                                                      [–]Neato 214 points215 points ago

                                                                                                                      She knew what gelded means but not how urination works? Odd kid.

                                                                                                                      [–]thebardingreen 157 points158 points ago

                                                                                                                      You clearly haven't spent much time around horse obsessed little girls.

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                                                                                                                          [–]macros-the-black 1338 points1339 points ago

                                                                                                                          Posted this recently but it's quite relevant: When I was about 9 and didn't know what condoms were, some guy in my class said they were to tie round girls legs to stop them running away when you wanted to kiss them.

                                                                                                                          [–]trumpet_23 101 points102 points ago

                                                                                                                          I was told they were "raincoats for your wiener". Took me a few months to realize they weren't for keeping your dick dry on a day-to-day basis.

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                                                                                                                            [–]doll59 687 points688 points ago

                                                                                                                            1) When I was 16, one of my friends wanted to lose her virginity. She asked if she could buy one of my birth control pills because she "only needs one, I don't know if I'll want to do it again". I then had to explain to her how birth control pills worked.

                                                                                                                            2) I was 11 and saw the movie "Someone like you" with Ashley Judd. There is a scene where she is about to have sex and she is searching for her diaphragm. She finds it and is covered with dust. She shakes it around and starts coughing. My interpretation of that was that you inhale a powdered medication from a diaphragm and then you were safe for sex.

                                                                                                                            [–]red454545 84 points85 points ago*

                                                                                                                            In elementary we all believed one contracted AIDs by having sex 100 times. We further believed that Steven Tyler was at 99 and had to stop. Hence "living on the edge"

                                                                                                                            edit: spelling

                                                                                                                            [–]Tranqyl 364 points365 points ago

                                                                                                                            Upon entering Target my girlfriend said she had to use the restroom. After about two or three minutes she came out and mentioned that she didn't like using public restrooms because they never have toilet paper.

                                                                                                                            "Wait, what did you use then?" I asked.

                                                                                                                            "My hand," she said nonchalantly. My eyes shot down to our hands holding each other as she followed that up with, "But don't worry, I washed my hands in there."

                                                                                                                            For a few seconds we walked toward the back of the store before I asked, "Was there at least soap?"

                                                                                                                            "Uh, yeah. Why?"

                                                                                                                            "Well, if you're gonna poop and wipe without toilet paper, I'd at least hope you used soap," I murmured.

                                                                                                                            She stopped walking and let go of my hand. "I didn't poop."

                                                                                                                            "Yeah you did, you just said it. You said you had to wipe your butt with your hand."

                                                                                                                            "I peed, Michael," she said sternly, "I didn't poop. I wouldn't poop in public."

                                                                                                                            "Well then why'd you wipe if you were just peeing?" I asked.

                                                                                                                            "...Because that's what we do..."

                                                                                                                            Looking quizzically at her, I asked her to explain. After a few short minutes of laughing at me and schooling me on this small aspect of the female lifestyle, she took a moment to let this scene burn deep into her memory. She makes an effort to share my 'stupidity' with every new friend we meet. I was 19 at the time and to this day I still don't understand how this should be common fucking knowledge for men to know...

                                                                                                                            tl;dr - I never knew women wiped after peeing. I thought my girlfriend had taken a shit, wiped her ass with her hand, and washed the shit off of her hand in the sink.

                                                                                                                            [–]Titan7771 208 points209 points ago

                                                                                                                            When I was a kid, I thought "How long you could last" referred to how long a guy would ejaculate. So lasting for 20 minutes meant a guy cumming for 20 minutes straight.

                                                                                                                            [–]willendorfVenus 587 points588 points ago

                                                                                                                            A year or two ago, my son (he was 12 or 13) asked me if it was pus that made women "wet."

                                                                                                                            Nnnnoooo. Ew.

                                                                                                                            [–]UnoriginalMike 488 points489 points ago

                                                                                                                            It's technically mucus

                                                                                                                            [–]agentfiftyseven 147 points148 points ago

                                                                                                                            Lots of things are technically mucus.

                                                                                                                            [–]milleribsen 350 points351 points ago

                                                                                                                            my new band name: Technically Mucus.

                                                                                                                            [–]TheOnlyNeb 914 points915 points ago

                                                                                                                            I'M GAY NOW

                                                                                                                            [–]TheGoodGreat 171 points172 points ago

                                                                                                                            Guess what makes men wet...

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                                                                                                                                [–]Sugar_buddy 168 points169 points ago

                                                                                                                                Cannot be unthought of.

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                                                                                                                                  [–]square13 1220 points1221 points ago

                                                                                                                                  people were discussing skullfucking without mentioning it what it was. When this one guy:

                                                                                                                                  "skullfucking is one of the most disgusting things i've ever heard of in my life, anyone who does that should be surgically castrated and then left to rot in prison for their entire lives".

                                                                                                                                  You know when a baby is born the back of its skull is not developed, its basically open with just the skin and some other stuff protecting the back of the head.

                                                                                                                                  he thought skullfucking was forcing your penis through the back of a baby's head, through the underdeveloped skull and having sex with its brains.

                                                                                                                                  [–]Harefeet 775 points776 points ago

                                                                                                                                  Wow, I have been doing it all wrong for years then.

                                                                                                                                  [–][deleted] 60 points61 points ago*

                                                                                                                                  To be fair it doesn't traditionally mean face fucking (in the mouth) - first entry of urbandictionary in google search agrees with me. I think it's just been taken over by porn to replace 'facefucking'.

                                                                                                                                  Edit: See 'Full Metal Jacket' - "I'm gonna give you three seconds, exactly three fuckin' seconds, to wipe that stupid lookin' grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skullfuck you!"

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                                                                                                                                    [–]Proserpina 576 points577 points ago

                                                                                                                                    Easily the most WTF thing I've read on here. An upvote and a horrified look for you, sir!

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                                                                                                                                      [–]Methofelis 744 points745 points ago

                                                                                                                                      My grandmother, while a genuinely smart woman, was raised horribly and strictly Catholic. Because of this, she often told me that I could "contract" homosexuality by association, and get AIDS by hugging/hanging around people with it. Of course, she told me all of this when I was six years old, so I had no idea what the hell she was even talking about.

                                                                                                                                      Also: She told it to me in a broken sort of mumble, so I thought she was telling me not to capture homosexuals. "You'll catch the homosexual!" ... what do I do with him after that?! The fact that I spent the age of six pondering what to do after I've caught a gay person ...

                                                                                                                                      [–][deleted] 825 points826 points ago

                                                                                                                                      "I choose you, RuPaul!"

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                                                                                                                                        [–]Plagiarismo 784 points785 points ago

                                                                                                                                        Misconception I had was that girls got no satisfaction from sexual acts. In other words, sex purely benefited the guy whilst girls just laid there and accepted that they were being fucked by the guy who was getting all the pleasure. This made me question why people have casual sex in the first place if it only satisfied the guy and the girl risked pregnancy/STDs. Then I eventually came to the conclusion that girls like it too and I no longer felt guilty about that teenage promiscuity that plagued my emotions during that time.

                                                                                                                                        [–]dakru 1014 points1015 points ago*

                                                                                                                                        To be fair, that's an extreme version of the pretty popular established view of sex in western society (held by both men and women) that it's less of something that two people do together because they both enjoy it and more of something that a woman bestows out after the man has earned it (and that sex takes value away from women but adds it to men).

                                                                                                                                        [–]vehementi 635 points636 points ago

                                                                                                                                        I hate that view, especially in an established relationship. The idea that a man has to earn the sex from his wife or that he'll "get lucky" with his wife, fuck that attitude. If two people aren't mutually interested in having sex with each other (possibly differing on frequency of course) then something is wrong.

                                                                                                                                        [–]eponymouspony 73 points74 points ago

                                                                                                                                        I'm a woman and I've been more interested in sex than almost everyone I've dated. The stereotype cuts both ways-- you kind of feel like a freak when you want sex more than your boyfriends

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                                                                                                                                              [–]illumyn 284 points285 points ago

                                                                                                                                              I remember the first time my dad described sex to me, and without going into too much detail he told me that it "feels pretty great."

                                                                                                                                              What he didn't really elaborate on was that it feels great because of the friction from the penis moving back and forth. So I instead got the idea that at the back on the vagina there's a Matrix-like jack that the penis is plugged into, which transfers pleasurable feelings into the male genitals. In my 8-year old mind the man just sticks his penis in and sits there 'downloading' pleasure from the woman's vagina.

                                                                                                                                              [–]CBHawk 269 points270 points ago

                                                                                                                                              I kid you not. Yesterday my friend who is 31 YEARS OLD was describing meeting a beautiful women and how he wanted to have sex with her. He commented saying, "I wanted to give her the five finger discount". My response was, "you know that means you want to steal from her, right?"

                                                                                                                                              [–]Melvin_Udall 57 points58 points ago

                                                                                                                                              I know a kid who once thought a blowjob was something related to devil worship.

                                                                                                                                              [–]GeoM56 1011 points1012 points ago

                                                                                                                                              There is a documented case of a couple being treated by a sex therapist who had for years not enjoyed sex. After some prying, the sex therapist found out the couple had never actually inserted the penis into the vagina; rather, the man only thrusted between the woman's legs around her crotch.

                                                                                                                                              [–]guavainindia 1092 points1093 points ago

                                                                                                                                              I was confused by your first sentence, wherein you clearly state that the therapist had, for years, not enjoyed sex.

                                                                                                                                              [–]thefireextinguisher 786 points787 points ago

                                                                                                                                              I was also confused by the second sentence:

                                                                                                                                              After some prying

                                                                                                                                              I was like "DAMN that woman's vagina is a fucking bear trap."

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                                                                                                                                                [–]Rasuian 475 points476 points ago

                                                                                                                                                These people probably shouldn't be reproducing anyway...

                                                                                                                                                [–]Marski 388 points389 points ago

                                                                                                                                                Wow, they're dumber than pandas.

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                                                                                                                                                  [–]theweakened 259 points260 points ago

                                                                                                                                                  Some friends, my younger sister and I were watching "Saved" and my sister told us she thought you couldn't get pregnant the first time you had sex. Also, she thought Coke could be used as a contraceptive. She was 15.

                                                                                                                                                  [–][deleted] 207 points208 points ago

                                                                                                                                                  I used to think taste buds were called testicles. I would frequently say "My testicles are so sore". I'm a girl.

                                                                                                                                                  [–]TopScruffy 976 points977 points ago

                                                                                                                                                  Asians have sideways vaginas.

                                                                                                                                                  [–]BaconBuddy 610 points611 points ago

                                                                                                                                                  My Japanese political science professor once told a twenty long minute joke about this during an hour-long lecture to about 200 students and professors.

                                                                                                                                                  I watched through my fingers.

                                                                                                                                                  [–]AltTab 388 points389 points ago

                                                                                                                                                  Dude! We have to hear that joke. Give us the Cliff's Notes version at least.

                                                                                                                                                  [–]xerexerex 472 points473 points ago

                                                                                                                                                  Female humans from the continent of Asia have vaginas which run horizontally, as opposed to the traditional vertical alignment.

                                                                                                                                                  [–]AltTab 574 points575 points ago

                                                                                                                                                  Why thank you kind sir.

                                                                                                                                                  But I've always wondered, does this mean half-Asians align on a 45° angle?

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                                                                                                                                                          [–]GoingAllTheJay 336 points337 points ago

                                                                                                                                                          Ex girlfriend used to think that each testicle had its own separate sack.

                                                                                                                                                          She was quite taken aback by the reality of the matter.

                                                                                                                                                          [–]dRwEedThuMb 120 points121 points ago

                                                                                                                                                          So did I! Like 2 sacks within 1 sack!

                                                                                                                                                          [–]fudgemylife 117 points118 points ago

                                                                                                                                                          You were right. Each ball is in its own sack within the scrotum. Thats how guys can end up with a hydrocele

                                                                                                                                                          [–]dRwEedThuMb 164 points165 points ago

                                                                                                                                                          Gotcha. I also thought that I could exchange the balls between each other. Eh, I think imma rotate balls today and have the left come over to the right...let em get a lil bit of sunlight today.

                                                                                                                                                          [–]hflat 65 points66 points ago

                                                                                                                                                          My little brother had to get an operation on his yarbles because this happened and he almost died.

                                                                                                                                                          DO NOT RECOMMEND

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                                                                                                                                                                [–]mechanicalholes 1953 points1954 points ago*

                                                                                                                                                                When I was 14, I started growing pubic hair. I knew then that I was becoming a woman. The problem is, I'm a guy. I was so sheltered that I had never before seen an adult man naked, so I was terrified that the pubes were the first step in my transformation into a female. I shaved my pubes for months, concerned that it wouldn't be much longer until my balls shriveled and my penis fell off. Finally, I went to a library and read a book on sex and discovered that I was not, in fact, turning into a woman.

                                                                                                                                                                Edit: For those wondering how something like this could be possible, here are the cliff notes on my early life - fundamentalist Christian parents, homeschooled almost my entire childhood, lived kind of in the middle of nowhere, no friends, not allowed to watch most television, no movies beyond PG, no secular music, church 3-5 times a week, etc.

                                                                                                                                                                This also resulted in such adventures as, "No Medicine for You! The Story of How Asthma Almost Killed Me Over and Over Again Because My Parents Kept Waiting for Years for Jesus to Heal Me Until Finally I Was Old Enough To Convince Them to Spend $14 On An Inhaler," and "You Can Keep Your Harry Blackstone Magic Kit, But ONLY if You Put Tape Over The Box Cover Picture Of Him So Satan Can't Manifest Through His Eyes And Destroy You in Your Sleep."

                                                                                                                                                                [–]iloveanimalsmore 492 points493 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                You'd never seen an adult male naked but had seen a woman naked?

                                                                                                                                                                [–][deleted] 223 points224 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                Some guys just love themselves some lesbian action.

                                                                                                                                                                [–]mroglolblo 812 points813 points ago*

                                                                                                                                                                For awhile the only full frontal nudity I had ever seen was in Porky's and my friends dads vintage playboys and random 80's softcore porn. I was aware women had holes they peed out of and whatnot but for me the turnon was more about the fact they were "totally naked" and pubic hair meant "I'm seeing everything!" so the more bush the more naked they were. Even in shower scenes where she just had a landing strip I'd be obsessively staring at the strip of pubic hair instead of trying to make out her lips.

                                                                                                                                                                My mom is an artist and had a lot of tracing paper so I'd get archie comics set at the beach and Trace over Betty, Veronica, and Midge and other random women and draw nipples and then massive bushes on them, some extending up to their breasts. I'd press down on my dick while wildly drawing curly lines and thinking "Mmmmm.... lets draw even more bush, get her even nakeder!"

                                                                                                                                                                [–]lacienega 350 points351 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                This is so adorable and weird.

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                                                                                                                                                                      [–]friendmealready 2038 points2039 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                      When I was 18 I snagged my first boyfriend. He was 19. One day, we're laying in bed and I've got a sleeveless shirt on and my arms behind my head. He looks at my pits, and says in total shock, "Oh my gosh, you've got stubble on your arm pits." Oh, sorry, I meant to shave today. "You..shave your arm pits??" Yes, all girls shave their armpits, you didn't know that? "No." Then I proceeded to google him a picture of how vaginas naturally look becuase he didn't know girls get hair there either. Idiot.

                                                                                                                                                                      [–]buchannon 2365 points2366 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                      A nation raised on porn.

                                                                                                                                                                      [–]apierion 1067 points1068 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                      She should have had him watch the film 1984.

                                                                                                                                                                      [–]Admiral_Drunkenfist 561 points562 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                      Big Brother meets Big Bush.

                                                                                                                                                                      [–]JohnOrrIsAnArsonist 363 points364 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                      New on Brazzers!

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                                                                                                                                                                        [–]daBandersnatch 681 points682 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                        Fur...everywhere.

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                                                                                                                                                                          [–]staplesgowhere 302 points303 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                          He'd probably pass out if he saw a Penthouse magazine from the mid 70s.

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                                                                                                                                                                            [–]mjbat7 261 points262 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                            My sister, who has a masters in fine art, tells a story of a pre-raphaelite painter who married a woman and was so horrified to find that women have pubic hair on their wedding night that he was unable to make love with her, and spent the rest of his life chaste, while one of his friends fucked her.

                                                                                                                                                                            [–]BWCsemaJ 580 points581 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                            I have a friend who would pretend not to know what a vagina looked like. He said it helped him get sex faster. Wise man.

                                                                                                                                                                            [–]jerklin 115 points116 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                            That's similar to the old "I've never come from a blowjob before, I dunno"

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                                                                                                                                                                                [–]terrortoad 1455 points1456 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                A girl I never really liked in high school crashed our friend's bachelor party in Reno (we just happened to run into her), and over the course of the most awkward game of truth or dare ever she admitted that the first time she gave her boyfriend a handjob, she grabbed his balls and started tugging...hard.

                                                                                                                                                                                She was under the impression that all the feeling in male genetalia came from the testicles, and was trying to please him in the best way she (thought) she knew how. Then she misinterpreted his grunts of pain for moans of pleasure and started tugging faster, at which point the boyfriend guided her hand up to his shaft.

                                                                                                                                                                                I laughed really hard at her not because I thought it was funny, but because I don't like her.

                                                                                                                                                                                [–]Golden-Calf 88 points89 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                I know someone who (as a child, so acceptable) thought that the vagina was the exact inverse of the penis. He thought it was in the same location, and that it was a gaping hole exactly penis-shaped that didn't have any sort of covering over it.

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                                                                                                                                                                                [–]IDontRapeThingsMuch 612 points613 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                I had a spacey, mellow jazz pianist friend in high school. He approached me with a serious expression on his face and said, "IDontRapeThingsMuch, I need to ask you something."
                                                                                                                                                                                "Sure (let's call him Harold), shoot,"
                                                                                                                                                                                "So if you jizz into a lady during sex and she gets pregnant,"
                                                                                                                                                                                "Uh huh.."
                                                                                                                                                                                "Does she keep getting pregnant after she has the baby because there's thousands of sperm in each jizz load?"
                                                                                                                                                                                "...what?"
                                                                                                                                                                                "Does the sperm stay inside her and impregnate her forever?" "No, Harold, that's not how vaginas work."
                                                                                                                                                                                "...okay..."

                                                                                                                                                                                [–]Rampant_Durandal 424 points425 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                Being pedantic here, but that is possible with other organisms, especially Eusocial insects such as ants and bees. The queen mates once, and then carries the sperm for the rest of her life.

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                                                                                                                                                                                  [–]eddyofyork 152 points153 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                  Well when I was about 7 or 8, my dad gave me the talk. He taught me that the penis goes in the vagina and that's what sex is....it makes babies. Oh Dad...

                                                                                                                                                                                  So, there's me watching a movie on cable tv a few weeks later when, lo and behold, the act I formerly knew as 'humping' was taking place on the television. I saw them taking off some clothing and getting close. I thought to myself, 'Oh, this is when the penis goes in the vagina'. But, it didn't end there. The man was aggresively thrusting himself in the right direction, but he obviously hadn't quite managed to get his penis in the vagina yet. The scene went on for about two minutes before he stopped and I thought to myself 'God, how many tries does it take to get it in there? Why didn't he just turn the lights on?'

                                                                                                                                                                                  [–]UncleVJ 83 points84 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                  I used to think that all sex was anal sex, and that's how babies were made. Also thought that women gave birth from their anus.

                                                                                                                                                                                  [–]greath 1684 points1685 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                  Girlfriend in high school: "Wait, I'm not supposed to blow?"

                                                                                                                                                                                  Me, backing away: "No damnit! It's not a trumpet!"

                                                                                                                                                                                  [–]DirtySketel 387 points388 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                  To be fair, of all the names they could have chosen...

                                                                                                                                                                                  [–]Acidyo 703 points704 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                  Dicksuckjob

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                                                                                                                                                                                    [–]gtallen18 555 points556 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                    I came to post a similar story. When I was in high school, a friend told me that his girlfriend wanted to give him a BJ over the weekend. He whipped it out, and she proceeded to blow on it like a dandelion. WTF?

                                                                                                                                                                                    [–]MissFegg 496 points497 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                    I'm laughing so hard just because I picture that in my head, the girl so softly blowing on his dick, WTH?

                                                                                                                                                                                    [–]Tactful 85 points86 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                    Feels okay man.

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                                                                                                                                                                                        [–]anexanhume 1116 points1117 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                        It's amazing how common this misconception is among girls at that age.

                                                                                                                                                                                        Or how much males like pretending it happened to them. Either way, I see it a lot.

                                                                                                                                                                                        [–]Eustis 751 points752 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                        Nah, they've got it down by high school now. Middle schoolers, that's the problem.

                                                                                                                                                                                        Source: Not experience. Don't worry.

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                                                                                                                                                                                            [–]Mricpx 319 points320 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                            I worked with a guy who thought bukkake was pronounced like "butt-cake".

                                                                                                                                                                                            Also regarding op's I've heard of that being done with a cookie instead and it's a game called "cookie's and cream".

                                                                                                                                                                                            [–]ocmurer 187 points188 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                            ookie cookie

                                                                                                                                                                                            [–]Measle 346 points347 points ago*

                                                                                                                                                                                            Limp biscuit.

                                                                                                                                                                                            Guys I'm getting a little bit tired of all you people replying to me giving me other names for limp biscuit.

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                                                                                                                                                                                              [–]omplatt 36 points37 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                              When I was a little kid before I figured out coitus via various media sources (mostly primetime television and various encyclopedia type diagrams) I used to think babies were conceived via spores. When a man and a woman sleep together, which I took literally and plainly, the man would release spores which would go into the woman's vagina and uterus and that's how babies happen.

                                                                                                                                                                                              [–]magic_mermaids 142 points143 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                              When I was around 10 I had an older friend (around 13) who thought that sex was kissing in bed naked and refused to believe me when I tried to correct her.

                                                                                                                                                                                              Also, in 8th grade some boys were looking up "naughty" words and looked up orgasm. I remember one of them was shocked to learn that women also orgasm and told everyone in surprise, and all the girls were like "obviously, why else would girls have sex?"

                                                                                                                                                                                              [–]noodle_cat 72 points73 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                              In high school, at age 15, one of my closest friends thought that penises were slimy and scaly. I imagine her first sexual encounter was momentarily terrifying for her, then incredibly relieving.

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                                                                                                                                                                                              [–]F0xism 334 points335 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                              Reading these comments has made me realize.. We need better sex education. I will be damned if I let my son think some of these things. Future parents, don't be like most in the past, talk to your silly kids about sex and where to put things and why to put them there. Don't let them be as dumb as you and other people were!

                                                                                                                                                                                              But here's a common one for you: When one of my exes was little, he used to think that when you ejaculated, you were peeing inside of the girl.

                                                                                                                                                                                              [–]greath 1803 points1804 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                              A couple of friends and I are talking. Somehow, someone mentions bukkake.

                                                                                                                                                                                              Girl: "What's bukkake"

                                                                                                                                                                                              Rest of group: "NOPE... not explaining that one!"

                                                                                                                                                                                              Finally, one brave guy throws himself on the grenade: "Well.... bukkake is when a mommy, and a daddy, and a daddy, and a daddy, and a daddy, and a daddy...."

                                                                                                                                                                                              [–]HumorlessUID 332 points333 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                              Apparently "bukkake" just means "splatter" in Japanese. There was a Japanese restaurant in my town that had bukkake udon on its menu. They eventually had to offer it under a different name, presumably because too many people assumed the wrong thing..

                                                                                                                                                                                              [–]wafflestomp 40 points41 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                              It's just westerners that take it out of context. It's like how almost every second word in English can and probably has been used with sexual connotations. Bukakke is like splash, splatter, drench, explosion of liquid.

                                                                                                                                                                                              Hentai means very strange (hen by itself means strange or abnormal). Westerners think it means Japanese tentacle rape cartoons.

                                                                                                                                                                                              Our misunderstandings often result in jokes that the Japanese don't get.

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                                                                                                                                                                                                [–]bdubaya 1276 points1277 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                                Ooh, funny story. So I was in Japan on a high school exchange trip, and our chaperones only spoke English.

                                                                                                                                                                                                Anyway, we're hanging out over there, making a ruckus, and one of the chaperones, a very attractive young teacher, wants to quiet everyone down, including the Japanese students. So she goes to my buddy and I and asks how to tell people "please quiet down" in Japanese. My friend quickly replies, "oh that's easy. Just say 'bukkake o kudasai'," which means "please give me bukkake."

                                                                                                                                                                                                Unfortunately, one of the more uptight girls in our group overheard and corrected her right as she was about to shout it. Such a waste.

                                                                                                                                                                                                [–]Neato 948 points949 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                                I bet that would have shut them up instantly, though.

                                                                                                                                                                                                [–]JaronK 735 points736 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                                Heh, a friend of mine pulled a trick like that off, where their whole class convinced one of the teachers that the full arm fuck you gesture (with a clenched fist raised up over a horizontal arm) meant "be quiet" and the harder you did it the more you meant it.

                                                                                                                                                                                                This went on for a year until she did it in the auditorium in front of the other teachers.

                                                                                                                                                                                                [–]Terps34 133 points134 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                                priceless

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                                                                                                                                                                                                      [–]turdlet 381 points382 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                                      A guy I was fooling around with in high school thought that people contracted AIDS (not HIV, but full blow AIDS) from swallowing semen, regardless of whether the person actually has AIDS. I've never facepalmed so hard. He was gorgeous but stupid.

                                                                                                                                                                                                      [–]Sushi_K 356 points357 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                                      Was he also called Kelso?

                                                                                                                                                                                                      [–]SageOfTheWise 358 points359 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                                      This whole story went south after I started imagining Bob Kelso.

                                                                                                                                                                                                      [–]WalnutSoap 84 points85 points ago

                                                                                                                                                                                                      Who has two thumbs and gives great blowjobs?

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