Reddit, what is your best "oh god why" moment?

ProperWorkControls · 4 months

Here we go.

I used to run a lot then hurt my knee. My buddy who I ran with suggested we go to the gym and lift. Did so, and he gave me a week's worth of protein powder until we worked out again. Me, being an idiot, thought he meant a day's worth, and I took it all at once mixed with lemon-lime gatorade. To this day I can't stand the smell of the gatorade or vanilla flavored powder. I went into school to do my homework, felt really sick. Told my friend, response was "Dude WTF go throw up now, this is bad" I said I'd sleep it off and be fine. Fell asleep, woke up at 3 AM and threw up all over the bed, the nightstand, and carpet in surrounding area. Cleaned it up, called my chief, left a message saying I'd be late the next morning going to medical. Get woken up at 7AM knock on the door, no one got the message. Tell my buddy who was there I was going to med. Go to shave, Have to fart, Not a fart. I am shitting all over the floor, my pants are filled. Run to shower tearing my clothes off still shitting, all over the head. clean my self off, get out, go to get dressed, halfway to the door, stomach cramp, on my knees shitting again, this time on the wall. shower again, go to medical. I was given pepto bismol and told to go to work. I was not allowed to go and clean my room. They did random room inspections that day, My room was roped off as a biohazard, and when my suitemate had seen it, he commented that in the head, It looked like someone had been violently murdered, stabbed to death, but shit came out instead of blood. This was the first time I shit myself

tl;dr: Protein poisoning makes me cover everything in my feces.

randybingo · 4 months

Super sick and walking my dog, Chino. He decides to let a massive dump loose, in a very busy 4-way intersection. As I began to pick it up I caught a whiff of his masterpiece. The smell was so bad, and coupled with my sickness it caused me to vomit all over myself, and him. I finished picking the poop up, and noticed the intersection was filled with drop jawed motorists, about 12 cars worth of my neighbors.

phattanner007 · 4 months

Fifth grade, I was known as the class clown I guess. It got to a point where people were preparing to laugh as soon as I started to speak (I was that good, ladies). So the teacher asked the class "How do you celebrate Christmas?" and a bunch of people raised their hands. I was called on, and I said "Well, my parents are divorced so I..." But I couldn't finish because everyone in the class started laughing when I said my parents were divorced, as if it was a joke. It wasn't. I may have cried that night.

iswearihavenomoney · 4 months

On the last day of school, my elementary school lets 6th graders go to the local park for the whole day and just play. It was also done for 5th and 4th graders, but 6th graders got the last day of school.

So every year, we would get a HUGE game of jailbreak or manhunt or whatever you call it. I was a pretty fast kid in 6th grade but I didn't have many friends, so this was the day I got picked first and attention. I loved it.

Before picking teams, I really had to poop. When I mean really had to poop, I mean I missed my morning bathroom break bad. Badly. I held it in though, and waited until teams were picked. I had held it in so long that it went into that little "dormant" state where you don't really need to go anymore, but it can creep up at any moment.

So being robbers, my friends and I ran and hid. We saw another group of friends by the little crate near the baseball field and ran towards them. Right before we got to them we had seen a few of the "cops" and crouched. I squatted down behind the crate which forced out a fart, along with what must have been the worst combination of a log of poop with that mucusy stuff that sometimes comes out. (release the Kraken!)

"Oh god, why?"

Being the sneaky mother fucker I am, I managed to shimmy the log out of my pants and promptly yell "Ew! Goose poop!" which made everyone run away. Now I still had traces of this ungodly combination of poop and un identified juice in my ass. I still wanted to play jailbreak. So I didn't go wipe. I had the worst rash in my ass, and my underwear had a huge poop stain on them. It was the worst 3 days after with that ass rash. I had played it off, and no one who I know personally found out.

TL;DR Pooped my pants during 6th grade trip to park, shimmied poop out, bad ass rash, played it off.

mehughes124 · 4 months

Should definitely do this on a throwaway...

I had a very early morning exercise class with ROTC on campus my sophomore year (I wasn't ROTC, jsut wanted to take the class). So, the night before this class I eat an entire pot full of Kraft macaroni cheese. Macaroni and cheese I've doctored to include a ridiculous amount of real cheddar, ground mustard, and, of course, an unreasonable amount of hot sauce. The next morning, I wake up and feel fine. I go to the class and I'm standing in a group of about twenty kids listening to some Army fellow telling us about the workouts we're going to be doing this semester and the like. That's when the rumble hits me. You know the rumble. The rumble that tells you that diarrhea is on its way.

I assume that I can relieve some of the pressure by farting, so I covertly let some off in this crowd of students. Some people start remarking on the stench (remember, these are ROTC kids, and they are interrupting their CO to remark on the stench. It's that bad). I know time is short.

Thankfully, we weren't working out that day, so he releases us. Thank god, 'cause and I'm about ready to pop. I know I can't risk another fart, so I need to find a place to deposit this load fast. But it's 6:00 in the morning, and everything on campus is still locked up. I clench my ass tight and start waddle-running back to the parking garage where I parked my car (I lived off campus about fifteen minutes, so making it back to my apartment was out of the question). On my way I frantically run up to a number of buildings on campus hoping one of them will be open. No dice. I'm panicking at this point, but I make it back to the almost completely empty parking garage. It is at this point that I am seized by the horrible realization of what I must now do: I must shit in the parking garage.

I manage to keep my butthole clenched as I awkwardly shuffle-hop up two flights of stairs, making it to the totally deserted third floor. I get myself near a corner, squat down, and unleash a torrent of liquid shit all over the concrete. It was just a big, sad-looking puddle. It burned from the hot sauce and was reddish-orange from the mac and cheese. Having no TP, I took off my old Christian camp t-shirt and wiped up as best I could. Boxers were cashed too, so I drove home in running shorts and sneakers.

To this day I still feel bad for all the students who would be parking in that garage later and would have to walk by my big puddle of orange-tinged shit. I feel like I gave hundreds of them "oh god why" moments that day.

hipswiggle · 4 months

I've got this.

I was taking a shower at a friends house, which is a much more powerful shower than the one I'm used to. I'm pretty thorough about washing my junk/ass and usually squat down to wash my asscrack/hole properly when showering. Well, this time while washing my asshole the sheer power of this thing sends a good amount of water straight up my into my rectum. Having never had an enema, I had no idea what was going on, so a fair bit went up there before I realised what had happened. This was the first "oh god why" moment.

I quickly stood up, and thinking that all was well continued my shower routine for a bit before I got the sudden urge to do what I thought (foolishly) was a fart. A mixture of water and what I can only describe as shit flakes came shooting out of my ass and ran down my leg. This was the second "oh god why" moment. By this point I'm freaking out, so I squat back down and try to get it all out. It worked, but a fair amount of shit came out with it. So now I've basically unloaded my shit water in my best friend's shower due to my accidental enema. The water is all gone, but among the flakes of shit washed from my rectum is an actual log of shit sitting by my feet. This was the third "oh god why" moment.

There wasn't anything for it, there was no toilet in the room I was in for me to move this thing to, so I ended up using my feet to squish this poop down the drain, followed by whatever I could to try to get rid of the poo smell now coming from the drain. In total, I was in the shower for about 40 minutes, a good 30 of which were spent dealing with the situation I'd landed myself in. Fourth "oh god why" moment...

My friend inevitably asked me what I was doing in there for 40 minutes. I told him I was manscaping. He didn't seem to believe me but by this point I didn't really care, so I just stuck with it.

tl;dr: Accidental shower enema lead to me accidentally shitting in a shower... at my friend's house.

azraphael · 4 months

I had to fart really bad in AP psych class in high school. I'm an ace at silent, slow-release farts, so I initiated the process. Just as my muscles began to release, my teacher walked over to my desk and started talking to me and my friend sitting next to me. My brain was like, "ABORT, ABORT!!", but my butt was like, "Too late, this is happening, bitch." I guess my muscles must have tensed up just enough to mess up my normally perfect execution, because I suddenly detected a barely audible squeal. I immediately put on my best poker face. The noise went on several seconds before my teacher stopped talking, mid-sentence, with a WTF look on his face. The squeal lasted about 10 seconds total, and when it was done my teacher simply said, "okaaaaay" and picked up where he left off.

wassworth · 4 months

I told an audience full of people I had a boner when I was about 7.

All the elementary school classes met in the library to get a lecture about sex and our private bits and pieces. I had being sitting there learning about sex for the first time and looking at some diagrams. It was pretty exciting for me, so whether I knew what it meant or not, I had a raging hard-on. The topic moved to erections and what they're for, I raised my hand and figured I could add to the conversation by informatively and proudly announcing I had an erection right then and there. I remember now the stunned teacher just said "Yes, that can happen when you talk about sex." I had forgotten about it until a few years later when I realized I told a library full of people that I was sitting there with a boner.

OutDamndSpot · 4 months

I'd have to say the worst one I've had (I've had a lot) was when I was 10 or 11 and I had just discovered masturbation. I was truly addicted and masturbated multiple times per day, even when the family was home.

The worst was definitely when my older brother and I were waiting in my mom's car for her to pick something up at the office. While she was doing her errand, I felt a boner growing so I draped a jacket over myself and fapped, came all over myself, and then buttoned up. All why my brother was in the back seat.

Oh god, why.

fluidfoundation · 4 months

We had nice wood floors where I grew up, and they were just a bit slippery, but not slippery enough. And I wanted to slide, dammit. So I decided to use a lot of my moms expensive hair products, lotions, and perfumes on the floor to try to maximize their sliding ability one day.

Apparently I burned up over $600 worth of stuff, all for the sake of speed, and left a gigantic stain that still stays there to this day.

And before anyone asks: No, no lube.

Detective_Mills · 4 months

I was a janitor at an office building for all 4 years of high school, and about a year after I started working there this very obese computer programmer leased an office there. I could never prove it was him, but it started right after he moved in. Shit. Shit everywhere. Shit on the toilet, on the wall next to it, on the toilet paper dispenser. And the crowning achievement - shit on the floor, tracked all the way down the hall.

I would've quit, but my boss gave me a huge raise and hundreds of dollars in a bonus - pretty much just to make sure this guy's shit was cleaned up every day until he could be booted from his lease 6 months later.

But money never made me forget that my primary job was to follow a fat man around and clean his shit off the wall.

I_Regret_This_Post · 4 months

Met a cool, good looking girl at the local pub. All of my friends and her friends decide to waltz back to our house for the after party. Bitchin.

Things go very well, I'm saying all the right things. My stomach then starts turning and I realize I gotta take care of #2. I stand up, declare 'I gotta take a piss' and go into the bathroom. I drop trow and try to poop as quickly as I can because in my drunk mind I thought it'd be less likely I'd score if she knew I just pushed a wheat loaf outta the oven. It was the fastest poop ever, shot right out. I spring up, flush, everything was going to plan up until I opened the door....

She pushes me back into the bathroom and warps her arms around me. Oh fuck I think, she lands a kiss on me and shuts the door behind us, and she freezes. I watch as the desire in her eyes turns into confusion. Then into shock, and then revulsion. She busts back out the door and loudly declares "YOU POOPED!!!" so everyone in the house could hear.

Yeah. there was no recovering from that, I sat down on the edge of the tub and dropped my face into my hands, waiting for the roar of laughter in the living room to die down.

Edit: man, lots of dookie posts up in this thread.

highschoolblows · 4 months

Not me but a friend of mine plugged the toilet at a hot girls house. She didn't have a plunger in the bathroom so his options were 1. Ask for a plunger, or 2. Take matters into his own hands. He chose 2... literally. He stuck his hand in the toilet, unclogged it and had shit all the way up his arm. But to him it was better thean the humiliation of asking the girl for a plunger.

DamselUnderStress · 4 months

In my childhood, I asked my dad why he didn't go to the Spearmint Rhino, as it is a "gentlemen's club."

I thought it was a club where gentlemen got together and did gentlemanly things.

thedannychang · 4 months

Shit myself in band class while playing bass clarinet. Had to feel it ooze down my appendages for the entire duration of "Mars."

onezealot · 4 months

This one wasn't my brightest moment.

So I went over to this hot girls house one night and we were hanging out drinking and having a really good time.

A couple of hours later we were decently drunk and I suddenly had to take a really big shit. I had started taking a supplement in my diet that wasn't reacting well and had been causing me to be quite gassy lately and when I asked where the washroom was and she showed me I realized it was the only one in the entire house.

I really really liked this girl and had for a long time and I really didn't want to mess this up, I had a good feeling tonight. I was terrified of going to the bathroom in there and stinking up the place so when she left me I quietly sneaked out and started looking for a solution. I entered this dark storage room and in the corner I saw a dog and I thought to myself "Perfect I'll blame it on the dog."

I squatted in the far corner, quickly shit and then pulled my pants up, slipped back into the bathroom and wiped/flushed and washed my hands. I felt like a ninja.

Anyway, about 20 minutes later we decide to watch a movie and we walk to the family room (which is right by the storage room) and she starts sniffing and asks me if I can smell that. Thinking I'm being so sneaky I go "Yeah I can. Smells like dog poop."

"Yeah. I don't have a dog."

O_o

She opens the storage room door, flicks on the light and screams at the turd sitting in the corner. I scream because the dog sitting in the other corner is just a stuffed animal.

Basically her family comes running and discover this whole scene. Its obvious to them that none of them would be stupid enough to do this and as they all slowly turn their eyes to me I burst into tears and start apologizing. Her father looks at me and says "Just go."

So there I am, walking down their front steps crying while her whole family gathers on the porch, her father is holding her as she sobs.

TL;DR Drunken pooped in the corner, blamed it on dog, girl smells poop turns on light, there was no dog.

shit___happens · 4 months

Welp, here's mine.

Running has always been a hobby for me, and I ran cross country in high school. One night at a party this fact came up while talking to a girl I was interested in, and she said that she loved to run as well. We ended up hanging out the rest of the night; nothing happened but we made plans to go running the next day. Cool.

I call her the next day and drive to her house to go for a run in her neighborhood. We head out and the run is going great. I'm surprised at how well she is keeping up and we are talking the whole time. She seems into me. We stop at an intersection for a minute, and then I feel it. A low grumbling in my digestive system. The first sign of what would become the most poorly timed bowel movement of my life.

We continue on past the intersection, despite my suggestion that we turn around and start heading back. "What, you can't keep up?" She says, taunting me and my large intestines. I sprint to catch up with her, assuring myself that I could hold it. We finally reach the end of her neighborhood, and she says we can turn around and head back. I let out a huge sigh of relief, and a small scouting fart. You know, I want to see how everything is down there, so I try and let out a little fart to assess the situation. Big mistake.

While nothing came out, I was now cratering. I knew I had about two minutes tops to get to a bathroom, but there was nowhere to go. We start running back, and I'm freaking out. What do I do? Where do I go? We come around a corner and there's woods on our right. I seize the opportunity and tell her to go ahead and that I just needed to tie my shoe. She rounds the bend and I dash into the forest. I rip my shorts down and finally give birth to the small black child that's been wanting out for the past half hour.

However, in my haste my aim was compromised. I squatted down, and ended up shitting all down the back of one of my ankles and into my shoe. I tried to wipe with a leaf, but the leaf was dry and crumbled as soon as it touched my ass. Thus, I now had shit-leaf mixture in my asscrack, feces down my the back of my right leg, one white shoe, and one brown shoe. Needless to say, I was in no condition to complete this leisurely jog. And then I heard her yell for me, "Where are you?"

I couldn't face her. I just snuck off deeper into the woods. I came out on the other side in somebody's backyard. For the first time that day I had an inkling of good luck, as this house had a pool. I washed off my leg quickly and did my best with my shoe. Yet, I knew that my car was still at this girl's house, and my keys were actually inside of her house. I gathered up as much dignity as I could muster and walked the mile or so back through the woods to her house. I knocked on the door, she asked me where the fuck I had gone, why I had disappeared, etc. I mumbled some bullshit excuse about my mother needing me to come home and I walked into her kitchen, grabbed my keys, and walked out without saying another word. Car ride home, all I could think was "oh god why"

P2000Camaro · 4 months

Was playing volleyball with several hot girls. I'm a dude.. so I was excited. The ball was coming to me, and I had to kinda squat to reach it. Not sure why. Well, there was a small tear in my jeans that I didn't know about.. I heard a RIIIP noise, but wasn't sure what it was and brushed it off. After a while it started to feel "breezy"... My pants had ripped all the way from the zipper to my knee. And I wasn't wearing boxers. I have no clue how long my flacid penis was flapping in the wind freely.

Willie_Main · 4 months

Probably either the vague memory I have of showing off an erection to my grandmother when I was two or three, wearing my Shady Aftermath leather jacket with my bleached blonde hair in middle school or, more recently, drunkenly walking up to a casual acquaintance and telling him that he should be my gay best friend-- I basically outed the dude in front of a bunch of people who didn't know he was gay.

looney_bergonzi · 4 months

I once accidentally trod on a fat-ass spider with bare feet. It burst.

Deadhookersandblow · 4 months

Named my pet cat "Pussy" when I was really young. True story.

figurativelyyes · 4 months

When I was a sophomore in high school, I was on the girls soccer team. Most of the juniors and other sophomores had favorite freshmen that they picked and would sit and be all friendly and cutesy with during off-times. A lot of the jokes were like "Hey Rache, my lover!" Or something like that.

I wasn't part of the crowd, but I wanted to be. One day I posted a comment on one of the girls' Myspace pages that said, "Megan!! My lesbian lover!!! <3" Or something to that effect. She never replied. I never fit in on the soccer team.

Oh God why...

inspire_thefuture · 4 months

Got off a train in a blizzard and had to shit really badly. No stores were open. My car was mostly covered in snow so I would be able to remain unseen whilst inside. I got into my car, found a shoebox in the backseat, pushed the seat back, and let it glide. Thank god it was a pretty solid shit that didn't need a lot of wiping. I rode with the log the whole way home (about a half hour drive). What a smell. Damn.

photosonny · 4 months

I interned at a very well known fashion magazine once. A few months afterwards I was at a club when I recognised one of the writers I'd worked with. We chatted a bit, got on much better than we had at the office, and she asked for my card so we could keep in touch (purely professionally).

I pulled out my card, and about 7 condoms came out with it and flew out across the dance floor. She looked at me with disgust, like it was some weird attempt at hitting on her... Then walked away.

TL;DR: I never shot for Vogue after an accidental condom explosion.

HarlequinGirl · 4 months

Was in a fairly crowded public restroom, had to pee really badly. Finally one of the stalls opened, but by the time I had started peeing, it was already running down my leg and onto my foot. I sat down and cringed as I felt pee on my ass/thighs. I finished up and reached for the toilet paper. There was no toilet paper.

Panic. I stood up and tried to "air dry", but realised quite quickly that this would take a decent amount of time. I knocked on both sides of the stall and requested toilet-paper, but received no answer. Bitches.

So with a heavy heart I clenched my thighs together as much as I could, pulled down my shirt to cover the nethers and waddled from that stall to the next. In front of around 12 other women.

Oh god why.

GoodEnough4aPoke · 4 months

I was on vacation in Aruba playing mini golf with my family and a friends family. I had to take a dump but I thought I could hold it in until we were finished. It escalated to a code brown by the 6th hole and I just took off for the bathroom and said I would be back.

I couldn't find the bathroom in time; by the time I did I had already crapped my pants. I left the bathroom a mess and my pants/underwear were stained to the point of no return. I was too embarrassed to go back so I left to take a cab home. I couldn't find a cab right away so I started jogging back to the hotel, which was a 15 minute drive away.

At that point I was like "Oh God Why", with shit stained pants trying to do a 3 mile run in Aruba, with no cell phone service since I was on vacation.

Not the end of the story; my family & my friends' family thought I was missing (didn't get back to the hotel for another 40 minutes and there was no way to contact me) and with the Natalee Holloway incident that happened, they thought I was kidnapped. They called the police and everybody was crying when they finally found me. I felt horrible and "Oh God Why'd" again.

People don't rag on me for it since they were genuinely scared I got kidnapped.

TLDR did the equivalent of a 5K with soggy shit stained pants, no cell phone, loved ones thought I was kidnapped.

Juntaozhu15 · 4 months

tl:dr POOP

[deleted] · 4 months

Oh boy, here we go. I was in my room playing some Starcraft before I had to go to marching band practice and decided I would have a quick fap before I had to go (gym short boners are incredibly embarrassing, especially on your dots under stadium lights). So I pulled out one of the Playboys I had stolen from my dad's drawer and got to work. Halfway through my mom knocked on the door and peeked in asking if I was ready to leave and I sputtered and stammered so she walked in (door was to the left of the desk, big crt monitor on the left corner so she could just see from my shoulders up.) She sees what's in my hand, looks at the computer screen and sees Starcraft and with a horrified look on her face says "Are you masturbating to your game?!" Mortified, all I can do is slowly point to the Playboy on the desk and she actually looks somewhat relieved and says "Just... get ready. I'll be in the car." Most awkward ride ever. Oh god why...

Also, when I got back the Playboys were gone and the next time I went looking for them there was a Post-it note on top of the stack saying "Derp, leave these alone!"

tokerjoker11 · 4 months

I went on a date with a girl for first time in high school. we went to the movies and then grabbed Burger King after. Apparently something went wrong, cause I then proceeded to shart myself. Not a normal shart, but explosive. I shit my pants on a date. i shit my fucking pants.

Linadra · 4 months

I'm pretty reclusive, so my best is my only one. (Doesn't involve poop)

So I was sick as hell, fever, cold sweat, passing out, the whole deal. I go out with my mother to the doctor, I have a sever flu, borderline pneumonia. No big deal, I get sick easily so I just shrugged it off. I was so dizzy I couldn't drive, so she's driving us back home. On the way home she decided that she wants to stop at a clothing store. I'm in some sweats and my hair is pulled back, so I don't really care to stop. When we get into the store, she's running all over looking at random things, she's alot shorter than me. I lose track of her, unknowingly, and I'm standing looking at the wall. I see a small figure next to me, lifting up some yoga pants. Thinking it is my mother, I say loudly "I have alot of sleepy pants at home already". I look down to see a younger girl, who then screams and runs to her daddy saying that I "talked weird to her". Her father told her not to make fun of mentally challenged people, and they left.

TL;DR: Sick me talked to a random stranger about sleepy pants and then was accused of being a mentally challenged person in a small public store.

BabyBlue227 · 4 months

When I was about 6 or 7, I was in my brother's room (he was about 13) and found his athletic cup on the floor. Long story short I thought it would make a lovely mask. "oh god, why?!"

chelleyeah · 4 months

My friend (a fellow redditor) and I have gone to school together since Kindergarten, and many of these years were spent hanging out at her house and discovering all the magical things for us to play with. On one particular day in the fifth grade, we found her grandmother's wheel chair in the garage and decided to roll down the street with it. But my friend, always the more risky than I, decided it would be funny to take on a wheelchair persona. This all ended in me pushing her in a wheelchair down a busy street, a knit blanket across her lap while she sat in the wheel chair and cocked her head back with her tongue partially sticking out. Yes, she pretended to be a mentally challenged paraplegic and I her care-taker. Oh God why.

Lutherie · 4 months

Had serious gay sex with my cousin as a child. None shall top this story, although some back-story is required. My father, bless his narcotic riddled heart, had the glorious idea to let me watch porn as a child. His rationale was "It'll make him a ladies man". Anyways, my exposure to this explicit material caused me to become severely curious. I started humping random shit, essentially fapping at the age of 5. It got to the point that when i would take bathes with my cousin, we would end up having some serious gay relations so that we could practice for our future sexual endeavors. Tongue kissing, and junk rubbing. Just use your imagination people.

... OH GOD WHY....

Myfishwillkillyou · 4 months

I should probably break out my throwaway for this, but I can't be fucked.

I was about 12 and at the beach with my parents, sisters and sisters' friend. This was a lovely beach but not very popular, so they hadn't bothered installing any kind of bathroom facilities. I desperately, desperately had to poop. Unfortunately we were pretty far out and it would take about 30 minutes to get dressed, off the beach, drive into town and find a washroom. So I decided to poop in the ocean - dogs did it all the time and it struck a naturalist vibe with me, for whatever fucking reason. So I sat down alone by the tide and pooped. I disposed of the movements in the water next to me, setting them down on the sand. All good so far.

And then my sisters' 10-year-old friend walks up. She asks me what I'm doing and I bullshit an answer. She notices my poop and picks it up. "Ooh! This is weird sand. It must have clay in it" she says. I mumble a reply. "It smells kind of weird, but I think it'll work great for our sandcastle!"

tl;dr: I pooped on a beach and my sisters' friend uses it for their sandcastle

atanincrediblerate · 4 months

Driving with two hefty bags full of freshly cut marijuana in my truck, with two friends lying in the bed of the truck (illegal where I live). A cop pulls up behind us and I say "Hey, there's a cop, stay down" so my ever curious retarded friend sticks his head up to look. Sirens

fetusloofah · 4 months

I always get bummed with these threads, only because I know I have an arsenal of moments that don't come to mind because of years of repression.

That said: I was taking a 4 hour bus ride from Pisco to Lima, Peru on what was essentially a glorified city bus- no bathroom, crowded and small seats. The night before, I fell victim to poor, drunken judgment and bought a 50 cent chicken hamburger from a street cart. As soon as I got on the bus I knew I was in trouble and decided to try to sleep through it. I woke up about 30 minutes later just in time to catch a couple quarts of chicken sandwich puree vomit with my dirty laundry bag. With no scheduled stops, my only option was to tie it off and try to contain it as much as possible. As if it wasn't bad enough having a bus full of people gawking at me while I was puke/screaming all over my clothes, I got to cradle it like a puke-baby on my lap for 3 hours. Luckily we stopped for gas, so I had just enough time to run in and point my explosive diarrhea at something vaguely resembling a toilet. Ahh, the joys of traveling in Latin America.

TL;DR Puke and shit everywhere.

RbrtJrdn · 4 months

Went to dinner with my mom. The waitress comes up and is very pleasant. Not pleasant to look at, but rather - amicable- pleasant to deal with and doing a great job of catering to us even though the restaurant was really busy. Fast forward about 30 minutes and I excuse myself from the table to use the restroom. When I come back my mom is having a full blown conversation with the waitress. Just as I'm sitting down- my mom, obviously feeling comfortable with the waitress, reaches out and starts patting her tummy and asks "so, how far along are you?" The waitress froze. Tried to smile politely. Tried. It didn't happen. She started tearing up and her smile began to undulate. She ran into the back sobbing. Apparently she wasn't pregnant. She was just a bit fat. I paid the bill and GTFO.

jacobheiss · 4 months

tl;dr Childhood wedding cake acquisition fail to my utter disappointment and loss of reputation

I was about six years old attending the first wedding I can remember. I didn't understand what was going on at all, but I knew one thing for sure: I really wanted a piece of that freaking amazing pile of cake. Imagine the excitement cake can inspire in a little kid, and then imagine what it must be like for a kid to encounter his first, muli-tiered instance of glorious layer upon layer of sugary goodness. If you lack the imagination and/or a soul, it's comparable to the affective experience of the first explorer to happen upon Machu Picchu, who also gets to eat it because he is hungry and it is made of coagulated happiness.

I spent virtually the whole wedding reception hovering around the table where the cake was displayed like a ravenous little jackal. Every time I approached the cake, the surrounding adults would pull me back, reiterating that I needed to wait for the bride and groom to cut it before anybody would get to eat some. Eventually, several other kids caught wind of the marvelous cake, and we began to organically form a little pack of cake stalking waifs, speculating about the particular slice we wanted, how long we'd have to wait, whether one of us might be able to duck in there and grab a hunk if we all committed ourselves at once in a bull rush, and so forth. But we were not sufficiently confident to try to get the cake under the watchful gaze of our adult sentries.

Eventually, the cake cutting part of the ceremony took place attended by the usual, playful cake smearing between bride and groom. I didn't understand what was so hilarious about this. Kids shove cake in their face as a matter of course, but that is because they are trying to consume all of it as swiftly as possible, not avoid eating it when hand-fed! I just thought it was a travesty that these people were wasting all that good, freaking cake. After the groom and bride finished sharing their inaugural slice, they proceeded to waltz about the room and chat with guests, and nobody else from the wedding party or waitstaff thought to cut up the cake and distribute it to anybody else. Fortunately for me, no adults thought it wise to guard the cake any further, either.

So, being the standupish lad that I was, I marched up to the cake and began distributing chunks of it to my jackal pack of compatriots before absconding a piece for myself. All the other kids got pretty excited about the bountiful slices I was dolling out and began to run around the reception hall with cake in hand. That attracted the attention of the adults, who traced the origin of the phenomenon back to yours truly. They were pretty upset about my generosity, and so was I--I had only made it partway through my list ad hoc cake orders such that I had not yet acquired a piece for myself.

The next part is pretty blurry in my mind. I remember brandishing the cake knife to ward off the adults who sought to separate me from my prize, then concluding it was a lost cause, then tearfully ditching the cake to dive under the nearest table I could find. When the cake police followed suit, I repeated this process of leaping underneath this table followed by that table until I either successfully lost my pursuers or they figured that they had effectively dispelled me from the cake such that they could return to whatever they were doing before their philistine interruption of my equitable, timely cake distribution.

I never did get any cake that day. Even if one of my "friends" had bothered to save me part of the piece I gave them, I was too scared to come out from under the tables until my parents recovered me from one of them at random--oblivious of my brush with criminal glory. But the story made its rounds to a couple of my teachers who were, evidently, connected to the wedding party such that I suffered under the ignominious reputation of (unsuccessful) cake thief for a while. Needless to say, I shed a tear the first time I read that one Hyperbole and a Half post about the god of cake that's probably running through the minds of whichever redditors wind up reading my account buried in this thread.

I was sooooooooooo close...

Oh God, why?

whyyunozoidberg · 4 months

I don't know if this is my best but this is definitely the most recent.

I work at a job that has fancy Christmas parties, catered, open bar, the whole shabang. We are allowed to bring a guest as it is a Christmas party. My buddy who got me the job didn't bring anybody so for some reason I figured it was cool to bring two people. Little did I know that people only brought their girlfriend/boyfriend with them. I ended up bringing two bros to a Christmas party. I'm sure if anybody was on the fence about whether I'm gay or not made up their mind then. It was the most god awful feeling in the world. I could barely stand up, I became the epitome of SAP. Thank god there was alcohol. I'm not gay.

tl;dr

i brought two dudes two a fancy Christmas party

blackt1de · 4 months

Food poisoning on a crowded overnight train in India. Having explosive shits with simultaneous vomiting hovering over a filthy squat toilet on a moving train ends pretty much how you think it would. Covered in poo and barf.

foreveralonebetch · 4 months

A long time ago, my cousins were over my house (we all ranged from.. about 5-10) when my then-youngest cousin (lets call him dave) decided to do an "exercise" on the ground. He called it the "dave-exercise" which meant laying on our bellies on the floor, bending your legs, but keeping your feet together and then proceeding to go up and down on the floor with our bellies/waist. I didn't know that at the time we were just violently humping the floor, but boy did the parents get a huge kick out of it.

navanac_jack · 4 months

I got drunk and decided to invent a new game. The "how close can I throw this dart to my brand new 42" LCD TV" game.

nasi_lemak · 4 months

every time i shit in a toilet with no toilet paper

fuck_pants · 4 months

I had to put on a pair of pants for an interview once.

Most uncomfortable interview ever.

relaxathon · 4 months

My Nissan Sentra was hit-and-runned in Brooklyn hard enough to push it halfway on to the sidewalk. It was very clear what had happened and that the car was totaled. I found 3 parking tickets stuck in the torn metal for parking on the sidewalk and not having a working drivers side mirror

iammonster · 4 months

The one time I've ever carried herbs through Central London I accidentally cut up a police van on my bike and got pulled over. I crapped myself.

ImStillAwesome · 4 months

Yesterday at work. A coworker and I are doing inventory on the milk, and my manager calls me over. He's trying not to laugh, so I'm instantly wary. Turns out someone had some poop issues in our disgusting, rarely-cleaned bathroom, so I get to clean up toddlershit as well as six months of accumulated crud. And then work for another two hours before I could go home and shower.

HamiltonBrand · 4 months

In my 3rd year of photo school, I was taking a course on 'on-location' photography. This is a course that specifically teaches you how to manipulate lighting in difficult situations with minimal gear for editorial type assignments.

For some reason, I thought it would be cool to make something that reflects my opinions about god. I wrote a fancy description of the project i wanted to make and presented it to the class word for word. Fancy bullshit words such as 'synergy', 'his holiness', 'arcane', etc... It was poetic and fattened with ego. It wasn't any different than that asshole in philosophy class who thinks he's Jesus.

The second I finished, i realized that the class was staring at me as if I took an actual shit in front f them. We were all quiet then I said; 'fuck... This was a bad idea'.

Then I sat through the class looking like a fool as each student described how they'd shoot actual people and events which is basically what the class was meant for.

The weird thing was, I wasn't even remotely religious. I just thought it'd be cool to... Oh god.

TL;DR fuck ego.

Rittto · 4 months

That one time I tried 4chan

jclishman · 4 months

My Christian cousins visited, they were like 16 or so, and I was like, 8. So I'm playing a game that I found called "Insanity Box"So I'm playing this game and I'm showing my cousins, there's this part where you have to whip Jesus on the cross. So, 8 year old me says to my cousin: "look at how I whip this guy!!!!"

Oh god, WHY

waffleking11 · 4 months

i felt my dads dick when i jumped on him when i was 6 yrs old. i told him he pooped his pants..........

molotovsoup · 4 months

Up until a year ago, I dated a psychologist for about 3 years. We lived in our own home, knew the families, had a few pets, we were the perfect couple. Then she cheated on me and moved in with her boss. Now they're engaged and have a kid on the way. This whole charade really got to me and I couldn't get over it. It started affecting my work and most other aspects of my life.

Well two months ago, I decided to use some of my work benefits and see a counselor. I went through all the paperwork and had HR make an appointment for me to finally talk to someone about this problem. Three days before the appointment, I got some paperwork back and saw the name of the counselor. It was my ex. Apparently she had gotten a new job with the company my company insurance uses. I ran straight to HR to get transferred. Unfortunately, she is the only person our insurance covers.

davidjwbailey · 4 months

Auditing a large construction company. I'm the most junior in team. Working late. Go to get ledger from empty desk. Open left hand drawer. Find set of fraudulent books as well as the "official account". Sit to read them. Hand on shoulder announces very angry security guard. Spend next 4 hours explaining why I was opening private desk.

Sometimes being right is not enough

"ohgodwhydidi?" is a fair summary of my thoughts

nicebumluv · 4 months

Why do nearly all of these have to do with poop?

It's okay.. I didn't feel like eating lunch anyway...

schploing · 4 months

I participated in a Pun thread once.

ariden · 4 months

I have NEVER told anyone this story. At summer camp when I was 11, they took us on a trip to a local swimming hole to go swimming. I thought it was a fart. I really did. I shit myself.

However, it had just started raining and thundering, so I couldn't wade into the water and try to get it out. The counselors made us ALL go to the picnic shelter to eat. I was just there, with this load of shit in my swimsuit, trying to pretend that the terrible smell wasn't coming from me.

They then put us all in the back of a cow trailer (was this legal? probably not) and drove us back to our cabins (about 4 miles). The entire time, I was standing there thinking... oh god.... why. Literally every bit of the hour and a half that passed after I shit myself I was forced into close human contact.

When we got back, I went to my cabin and hid my swimsuit in my laundry bag. I couldn't swim the rest of the week of camp because I couldn't think of a way to get the suit clean. I just told everyone I was on my period.

Not to mention that my shampoo leaked all over my toothbrush that week, too. I resolved to the old finger-scrape-with-toothpaste trick. That never really suffices after 4 days.

Worst. Week of camp. Ever.

downvotetornado · 4 months

The first time I got food poisoning.

So sometimes if I get extremely into an episodic show, i will begin to have dreams involving or taking place in the show. The night i got sick i had been watching The Sopranos pretty good for the last 2 days, and was having such a dream (nightmare) when i actually became sick. nothing really exciting or terrible happened from an outside perspective, just a lot of laying on the ground clutching a trash-can vomiting bile for a few hours, but inside my mind it was terrible. I was in a feverish state, and half stuck in this Sopranos dream. In my mind the sickness was a test, like getting jumped into the gang or something. The imagined notion that someone was actually in control of what was happening to me, and therefore could stop it, but wouldn't, made what would have been a just a really bad night, into something literally torturous. Defiantly a "oh god why" moment.

TL;DR Got food poisoning, became feverish/delusional, thought i was being tortured by the Sopranos

xXRayquazaXx · 4 months

Oh god why... Well i was 5 years old at a baby sitters house with my older sister (who is 7 years older) were looking through her drawers of her dresser for fun because she was outside on the phone and i found the single biggest blackest floppiest dildo ever ( it had to have been at least a foot and a half long)! I didn't know what it was but my sister did. She kept shouting for me to put it down and i was derping around with it having fun flopping it around and i swung it back and bitch slapped my sister in the face with it! she had a huge red mark on her face that looked like the head of a super huge penis for like an hour. Now i look back at it i can't believe it. Don't get me wrong it's still funny as fuck but holy shit that's disturbing!

scumbubble · 4 months

When I was in the 7th grade sexual experimentation was all the rage. First gf and all, yadda yadda yadda, start getting into phone sex. Didn't have a cellphone at the time, so I snuck the house phone into my room before bed time. Call gf up for some phone sexytime, and shit gets real. I get a bit excited and drop the phone, but caught it before it hit the floor and carried on like a boss. Just as I we finish up, my little sister runs into my room and says 'Are you on the phone? We can hear you.'

'OH GOD WHY'

Turns out I hit the speakerphone button. The receiver was in my mother's room. Where my sister and mother were supposedly sleeping.

woahmanitsme · 4 months

So up at my cottage, there's this old marina by the lake. It's oil tank was underneath the lake and long-abandoned. My father and grandfather decided that they would be good samaritans and try to get it out of the lake before it leaked. A poorly macgyver'd contraption to pull it out quickly ripped a hole in it, exploding oil into the lake. Once it reached the surface they decided to burn it off. They didn't realize how far the oil had reached, and jets of flame started appearing across the bay and even in the lawn next to the shore. I arrived at this point to see them, having accepted their fate, just staring off into a burning lake as trees and bushes caught fire. My grandfather turns to look at me, stone-faced, and says "Oh God, what have we done."

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