this post was submitted on
258 points (71% like it)
423 up votes 165 down votes
top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]ProperWorkControls 382 points383 points ago

Here we go.

I used to run a lot then hurt my knee. My buddy who I ran with suggested we go to the gym and lift. Did so, and he gave me a week's worth of protein powder until we worked out again. Me, being an idiot, thought he meant a day's worth, and I took it all at once mixed with lemon-lime gatorade. To this day I can't stand the smell of the gatorade or vanilla flavored powder. I went into school to do my homework, felt really sick. Told my friend, response was "Dude WTF go throw up now, this is bad" I said I'd sleep it off and be fine. Fell asleep, woke up at 3 AM and threw up all over the bed, the nightstand, and carpet in surrounding area. Cleaned it up, called my chief, left a message saying I'd be late the next morning going to medical. Get woken up at 7AM knock on the door, no one got the message. Tell my buddy who was there I was going to med. Go to shave, Have to fart, Not a fart. I am shitting all over the floor, my pants are filled. Run to shower tearing my clothes off still shitting, all over the head. clean my self off, get out, go to get dressed, halfway to the door, stomach cramp, on my knees shitting again, this time on the wall. shower again, go to medical. I was given pepto bismol and told to go to work. I was not allowed to go and clean my room. They did random room inspections that day, My room was roped off as a biohazard, and when my suitemate had seen it, he commented that in the head, It looked like someone had been violently murdered, stabbed to death, but shit came out instead of blood. This was the first time I shit myself

tl;dr: Protein poisoning makes me cover everything in my feces.

[–]TheSoup07 109 points110 points ago

This was the first time I shit myself

almost sounds like theres another story, but im not sure if i want to hear it

[–]RuairidhLowe 28 points29 points ago

I would like to hear this other tale of woe also.

[–]Brancher 199 points200 points ago

It looked like someone had been violently murdered, stabbed to death, but shit came out instead of blood.

You're a goddamn poet, you know that?

[–]ihatestairs 31 points32 points ago

His friend is the poet, not him.

[–]ReigninLikeA_MoFo 14 points15 points ago

I used to run a lot then hurt my knee.

B...Bu...But why?

[–]Nihilithik 21 points22 points ago

An arrow perhaps?

[–]aMissingGlassEye 6 points7 points ago

You Navy?

Cause that sure as hell sounds like Navy medical right there.

[–]powerpenguin 13 points14 points ago

To this day I can't stand the smell of the gatorade or vanilla flavored powder.

The magic of conditioned taste aversion.

[–]shlack 4 points5 points ago

Go to shave, Have to fart, Not a fart. I am shitting all over the floor, my pants are filled.

Absolutely lost my shit here. Seriously I'm still laughing. Not like a school girl, these are hearty laughs, right from my belly.

[–]randybingo 292 points293 points ago

Super sick and walking my dog, Chino. He decides to let a massive dump loose, in a very busy 4-way intersection. As I began to pick it up I caught a whiff of his masterpiece. The smell was so bad, and coupled with my sickness it caused me to vomit all over myself, and him. I finished picking the poop up, and noticed the intersection was filled with drop jawed motorists, about 12 cars worth of my neighbors.

[–]Kanegawa 77 points78 points ago

That is absolutely terrible. Did you get crap for it later?

When my golden retriever was a young pup (~8months) he had a love of eating his own shit. He was always well fed and played with so I could never understand why he did it. It was so bad literally had to follow him when we let him out and clean it up immediately so he wouldn't turn around and eat it. Nothing like a hot meal I guess.

Anyway, one weekend I guess we let him out to do his business and totally forgot about the eating shit problem. He came back in all happy and we fed him as usual. Later while we were going about our business in, our small apartment, we smelled something absolutely terrible. Me and the gf begin looking for the source.

Right by the book shelf there is a massive pile of shit/puke. It was like partially re-digested soaked in pile and was probably the size of a medium sized dinner plane (piled high).

It was fucking terrible. I couldn't help but wonder why my dog ate shit (I googled it later). I guess a hot meal is a hot meal.

TL;DR Dog loves eating his own shit, goes on shit eating spree, pukes up a massive pile of pukeshits on the carpet.

[–]lllllllillllllllllll 83 points84 points ago

My dog does this too! It eats its own shit, eats my other dog's shit, and eats all the shit that asshole petowners don't pick up.

One day I came home to the worst smell. My other dog was sick and had diarrhea in the cage. The shit-eater ate that diarrhea, then vomited it up, then had more diarrhea, which apparently caused the sick dog to vomit and shit some more.

[–]Kanegawa 57 points58 points ago

Omg it is the circle of shit. I just imagined a dragon shaped turd eating itself.

[–]sunnysparrowbee 40 points41 points ago

Poorobouros.

[–]animalcule 15 points16 points ago

It's the ciiiiiiiircle of shit....

[–]bienvenueareddit 39 points40 points ago

Did you get crap for it later?

Heh heh heh

[–]thegoldenbison 13 points14 points ago

My coworker just told me a story of his dog doing a pukeshit thing as well, only he puked my coworker's shit. So that poor man had to clean up his own shit as half-digested by a dog.

[–]Midgers 14 points15 points ago

How in the world did the dog get ahold of human shit?!

[–]thegoldenbison 3 points4 points ago

He's kind of an "off-the-grid" sort of dude, so he composts it. Circumstances led to him leaving a very full camping toilet to "air out" in his big field (they got some bad indian food or something) before he dealt with it...however you deal with composted shit. Dog got out there and coworker didn't find out till he got a house full of shitbarf.

[–]Midgers 7 points8 points ago

Holy shit that is the most horrible thing I can imagine short of a painful death.

[–]kartoen 11 points12 points ago

Well there goes my dinner...

[–]Beastdozer 8 points9 points ago

I feel you man. My dog has taken a few logs in his day. One night when I was either too tired or drunk to notice him scratching at the door, he shit twice in my bedroom and threw up. I woke up to the worst smell I've ever experienced. I took two steps from my bed and stepped right in his puke. He's thrown up a few times before so I didn't think much of it, but then when I came back with cleaning supplies I noticed two separate terds on the other side of the room. The smell was fucking horrible, I gagged over and over, and when I picked up the shit with a plastic bag, the texture of it made me want to ralph on the spot. Still not sure how I didn't throw up, I have a very weak stomach. I had to work at 7:00 am that morning and opened my window and used a fan to air out my room the entire day, and it still stunk like that for weeks afterwards.

[–]SigmaDraconisIV 10 points11 points ago

Could be worse.

I was once drunk, as you mentioned, and decided to clean up the dog poop. I puked, on the poop, in my hands.

[–]rafkamodie 12 points13 points ago

Tears of laughter. Really the first time I laughed that hard on Reddit. Sorry! Something about the dog being your worst enemy.....I dunno....

[–]phattanner007 603 points604 points ago

Fifth grade, I was known as the class clown I guess. It got to a point where people were preparing to laugh as soon as I started to speak (I was that good, ladies). So the teacher asked the class "How do you celebrate Christmas?" and a bunch of people raised their hands. I was called on, and I said "Well, my parents are divorced so I..." But I couldn't finish because everyone in the class started laughing when I said my parents were divorced, as if it was a joke. It wasn't. I may have cried that night.

[–][deleted] 388 points389 points ago

Hahahaha! Divorced parents! Good one mate.

[–]christophski 80 points81 points ago

Classic!

[–]mserenio 81 points82 points ago

That's actually sad. :(

[–]ireadabookonce 47 points48 points ago

You were just another child statistic haha!!! Funny!!!!.......

[–]Hobbes_the_tiger_1 63 points64 points ago

[–]CookieFetish 4 points5 points ago

My parents got divorced before I was born, and I had no clue what I was missing out on. Once they both got married to different people, I had 1 brother to share the income of 4 adults with. It was the life.

[–]iswearihavenomoney 127 points128 points ago

On the last day of school, my elementary school lets 6th graders go to the local park for the whole day and just play. It was also done for 5th and 4th graders, but 6th graders got the last day of school.

So every year, we would get a HUGE game of jailbreak or manhunt or whatever you call it. I was a pretty fast kid in 6th grade but I didn't have many friends, so this was the day I got picked first and attention. I loved it.

Before picking teams, I really had to poop. When I mean really had to poop, I mean I missed my morning bathroom break bad. Badly. I held it in though, and waited until teams were picked. I had held it in so long that it went into that little "dormant" state where you don't really need to go anymore, but it can creep up at any moment.

So being robbers, my friends and I ran and hid. We saw another group of friends by the little crate near the baseball field and ran towards them. Right before we got to them we had seen a few of the "cops" and crouched. I squatted down behind the crate which forced out a fart, along with what must have been the worst combination of a log of poop with that mucusy stuff that sometimes comes out. (release the Kraken!)

"Oh god, why?"

Being the sneaky mother fucker I am, I managed to shimmy the log out of my pants and promptly yell "Ew! Goose poop!" which made everyone run away. Now I still had traces of this ungodly combination of poop and un identified juice in my ass. I still wanted to play jailbreak. So I didn't go wipe. I had the worst rash in my ass, and my underwear had a huge poop stain on them. It was the worst 3 days after with that ass rash. I had played it off, and no one who I know personally found out.

TL;DR Pooped my pants during 6th grade trip to park, shimmied poop out, bad ass rash, played it off.

[–]OhTheTallOne 21 points22 points ago

Did your team still win?

[–]iswearihavenomoney 22 points23 points ago

Yeah, but it was really close. We play the "1-2-3-no-breaksies", so I was tagged right outside of letting my team out and stopped to make them think I gave up. they loosened their grip and once they got to 3 I pulled away and got some people out. I miss being a little kid :(

[–]N1ce_ 42 points43 points ago

I had held it in so long that it went into that little "dormant" state where you don't really need to go anymore, but it can creep up at any moment.

This. I really had to laugh

[–]iswearihavenomoney 20 points21 points ago

haha good! you know exactly what I'm talking about though, right?

[–]JadedAndFaded 11 points12 points ago

The second chance. Never abuse the 3rd.

[–]FrownSyndrome 15 points16 points ago

I would not be able to run around playing with a shit-covered ass.

[–]mehughes124 114 points115 points ago

Should definitely do this on a throwaway...

I had a very early morning exercise class with ROTC on campus my sophomore year (I wasn't ROTC, jsut wanted to take the class). So, the night before this class I eat an entire pot full of Kraft macaroni cheese. Macaroni and cheese I've doctored to include a ridiculous amount of real cheddar, ground mustard, and, of course, an unreasonable amount of hot sauce. The next morning, I wake up and feel fine. I go to the class and I'm standing in a group of about twenty kids listening to some Army fellow telling us about the workouts we're going to be doing this semester and the like. That's when the rumble hits me. You know the rumble. The rumble that tells you that diarrhea is on its way.

I assume that I can relieve some of the pressure by farting, so I covertly let some off in this crowd of students. Some people start remarking on the stench (remember, these are ROTC kids, and they are interrupting their CO to remark on the stench. It's that bad). I know time is short.

Thankfully, we weren't working out that day, so he releases us. Thank god, 'cause and I'm about ready to pop. I know I can't risk another fart, so I need to find a place to deposit this load fast. But it's 6:00 in the morning, and everything on campus is still locked up. I clench my ass tight and start waddle-running back to the parking garage where I parked my car (I lived off campus about fifteen minutes, so making it back to my apartment was out of the question). On my way I frantically run up to a number of buildings on campus hoping one of them will be open. No dice. I'm panicking at this point, but I make it back to the almost completely empty parking garage. It is at this point that I am seized by the horrible realization of what I must now do: I must shit in the parking garage.

I manage to keep my butthole clenched as I awkwardly shuffle-hop up two flights of stairs, making it to the totally deserted third floor. I get myself near a corner, squat down, and unleash a torrent of liquid shit all over the concrete. It was just a big, sad-looking puddle. It burned from the hot sauce and was reddish-orange from the mac and cheese. Having no TP, I took off my old Christian camp t-shirt and wiped up as best I could. Boxers were cashed too, so I drove home in running shorts and sneakers.

To this day I still feel bad for all the students who would be parking in that garage later and would have to walk by my big puddle of orange-tinged shit. I feel like I gave hundreds of them "oh god why" moments that day.

[–]anotherraginglunatic 44 points45 points ago

It is at this point that I am seized by the horrible realization of what I must now do: I must shit in the parking garage.

I laughed out loud for realzies.

[–]kosif 33 points34 points ago

You ever see a sentence and think " This particular combination of words could only exist on the internet"?

[–][deleted] 485 points486 points ago*

I've got this.

I was taking a shower at a friends house, which is a much more powerful shower than the one I'm used to. I'm pretty thorough about washing my junk/ass and usually squat down to wash my asscrack/hole properly when showering. Well, this time while washing my asshole the sheer power of this thing sends a good amount of water straight up my into my rectum. Having never had an enema, I had no idea what was going on, so a fair bit went up there before I realised what had happened. This was the first "oh god why" moment.

I quickly stood up, and thinking that all was well continued my shower routine for a bit before I got the sudden urge to do what I thought (foolishly) was a fart. A mixture of water and what I can only describe as shit flakes came shooting out of my ass and ran down my leg. This was the second "oh god why" moment. By this point I'm freaking out, so I squat back down and try to get it all out. It worked, but a fair amount of shit came out with it. So now I've basically unloaded my shit water in my best friend's shower due to my accidental enema. The water is all gone, but among the flakes of shit washed from my rectum is an actual log of shit sitting by my feet. This was the third "oh god why" moment.

There wasn't anything for it, there was no toilet in the room I was in for me to move this thing to, so I ended up using my feet to squish this poop down the drain, followed by whatever I could to try to get rid of the poo smell now coming from the drain. In total, I was in the shower for about 40 minutes, a good 30 of which were spent dealing with the situation I'd landed myself in. Fourth "oh god why" moment...

My friend inevitably asked me what I was doing in there for 40 minutes. I told him I was manscaping. He didn't seem to believe me but by this point I didn't really care, so I just stuck with it.

tl;dr: Accidental shower enema lead to me accidentally shitting in a shower... at my friend's house.

[–]hipswiggle 341 points342 points ago

so I ended up using my feet to squish this poop down the drain

AKA the waffle stomp

[–]Willxc123 98 points99 points ago

waffle stomp? don't you mean carrot stomp? HAHAHAHA

[–]TL_DRespect 45 points46 points ago

Oh wow, it's gone full circle and became briefly funny. Well played.

[–]mmss 198 points199 points ago

love and waffles,

  • ~t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m~*

[–]BKMD44 120 points121 points ago

So random!

[–]throwOHOHaway 52 points53 points ago

I WAS GOING TO GO EAT LUNCH. MAYBE I'LL JUST STARE AT IT NOW

[–]LNz 23 points24 points ago

That reminds me of this story.

[–]TheGuyInYourStory 6 points7 points ago

Thankfully nobody is at my work because I was just laughing my guts out at this link.

[–]3con 16 points17 points ago

I call this the "Monster Mash"

[–]sunnysparrowbee 19 points20 points ago

He did the mash

He did the monster mash

The monster mash

It was a bathtub smash

He did the mash

Shit everywhere in a flash

He did the mash

He did the monster mash

A-woooooo~

[–]expider 16 points17 points ago

Next time tell them you used a conditioning mask on your hair that needs to stay in for at least half an hour.

[–]EMC0n 32 points33 points ago

Next time? ಠ_ಠ

[–]ErikNavkire 9 points10 points ago

Oh man I had a good laugh with this story. Glad to hear you made it out with your dignity relatively intact

[–]6Jonnie6 13 points14 points ago

Read this while waiting for the water to heat up for my shower :(

[–]azraphael 98 points99 points ago

I had to fart really bad in AP psych class in high school. I'm an ace at silent, slow-release farts, so I initiated the process. Just as my muscles began to release, my teacher walked over to my desk and started talking to me and my friend sitting next to me. My brain was like, "ABORT, ABORT!!", but my butt was like, "Too late, this is happening, bitch." I guess my muscles must have tensed up just enough to mess up my normally perfect execution, because I suddenly detected a barely audible squeal. I immediately put on my best poker face. The noise went on several seconds before my teacher stopped talking, mid-sentence, with a WTF look on his face. The squeal lasted about 10 seconds total, and when it was done my teacher simply said, "okaaaaay" and picked up where he left off.

[–]rebishaz 9 points10 points ago

Need to type this as fast as possible before i start laughing aga

[–]wassworth 96 points97 points ago

I told an audience full of people I had a boner when I was about 7.

All the elementary school classes met in the library to get a lecture about sex and our private bits and pieces. I had being sitting there learning about sex for the first time and looking at some diagrams. It was pretty exciting for me, so whether I knew what it meant or not, I had a raging hard-on. The topic moved to erections and what they're for, I raised my hand and figured I could add to the conversation by informatively and proudly announcing I had an erection right then and there. I remember now the stunned teacher just said "Yes, that can happen when you talk about sex." I had forgotten about it until a few years later when I realized I told a library full of people that I was sitting there with a boner.

[–]ReigninLikeA_MoFo 68 points69 points ago

I remember now the stunned teacher just said "Yes, that can happen when you talk about sex."

Dude, she wanted it.

[–]OutDamndSpot 78 points79 points ago

I'd have to say the worst one I've had (I've had a lot) was when I was 10 or 11 and I had just discovered masturbation. I was truly addicted and masturbated multiple times per day, even when the family was home.

The worst was definitely when my older brother and I were waiting in my mom's car for her to pick something up at the office. While she was doing her errand, I felt a boner growing so I draped a jacket over myself and fapped, came all over myself, and then buttoned up. All why my brother was in the back seat.

Oh god, why.

[–]tobionly 48 points49 points ago

finally! a fapping story involving a familymember, I knew reddit wouldn't let me down

[–]MyLittleThrowaray 4 points5 points ago

Here's mine:

When I first started fapping I did it in the shower quite often. I was always careful to make sure it washed down the drain, but one time it apparently didn't. After my mom took her bath she comes to me and says "if you're gonna blow your nose in the shower, make sure you wash it down the drain please."

Oh God Why? ಠ_ಠ

[–]RuairidhLowe 9 points10 points ago

Oh my days, you've no idea how long i laughed at that. Didn't your brother say anything?

[–]fluidfoundation 51 points52 points ago

We had nice wood floors where I grew up, and they were just a bit slippery, but not slippery enough. And I wanted to slide, dammit. So I decided to use a lot of my moms expensive hair products, lotions, and perfumes on the floor to try to maximize their sliding ability one day.

Apparently I burned up over $600 worth of stuff, all for the sake of speed, and left a gigantic stain that still stays there to this day.

And before anyone asks: No, no lube.

[–]FUCKTHISPENIS 13 points14 points ago

Should've used Lemon Pledge. That shit slickens up Hardwood floors like nobody's business.

[–]Detective_Mills 53 points54 points ago

I was a janitor at an office building for all 4 years of high school, and about a year after I started working there this very obese computer programmer leased an office there. I could never prove it was him, but it started right after he moved in. Shit. Shit everywhere. Shit on the toilet, on the wall next to it, on the toilet paper dispenser. And the crowning achievement - shit on the floor, tracked all the way down the hall.

I would've quit, but my boss gave me a huge raise and hundreds of dollars in a bonus - pretty much just to make sure this guy's shit was cleaned up every day until he could be booted from his lease 6 months later.

But money never made me forget that my primary job was to follow a fat man around and clean his shit off the wall.

[–]scoffjaw 34 points35 points ago

I could never prove it was him

tracked all the way down the hall

Detective Mills

[–]Detective_Mills 24 points25 points ago

I was waiting for someone to mention that.

It was a hall that led to both a large insurance company's office and another room (carpeted) that led to four other small offices, only one of which was leased to the programmer. So although I was pretty sure it was him, I couldn't confront him about it just in case it was actually someone else.

Either way, I was still cleaning someone's shit off the wall. Also, my boss must've been pretty certain it was him, because said programmer didn't get to renew his lease.

[–]I_Regret_This_Post 149 points150 points ago

Met a cool, good looking girl at the local pub. All of my friends and her friends decide to waltz back to our house for the after party. Bitchin.

Things go very well, I'm saying all the right things. My stomach then starts turning and I realize I gotta take care of #2. I stand up, declare 'I gotta take a piss' and go into the bathroom. I drop trow and try to poop as quickly as I can because in my drunk mind I thought it'd be less likely I'd score if she knew I just pushed a wheat loaf outta the oven. It was the fastest poop ever, shot right out. I spring up, flush, everything was going to plan up until I opened the door....

She pushes me back into the bathroom and warps her arms around me. Oh fuck I think, she lands a kiss on me and shuts the door behind us, and she freezes. I watch as the desire in her eyes turns into confusion. Then into shock, and then revulsion. She busts back out the door and loudly declares "YOU POOPED!!!" so everyone in the house could hear.

Yeah. there was no recovering from that, I sat down on the edge of the tub and dropped my face into my hands, waiting for the roar of laughter in the living room to die down.

Edit: man, lots of dookie posts up in this thread.

[–]neckbeard_avalanche 97 points98 points ago

YOU DAMN RIGHT I POOPED.

[–]TheGuyInYourStory 43 points44 points ago

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?

[–]Frorida 29 points30 points ago

She "teleported" her arms around you? Don't you dare ninja edit that.

[–]I_Regret_This_Post 18 points19 points ago

Well now I can't ninja edit it.

[–]Brancher 82 points83 points ago

pushed a wheat loaf outta the oven

This thread is really going places.

[–]Emmett_Lathrop 22 points23 points ago

You were humiliated because you pooped? Everybody poops.

[–]I_Regret_This_Post 26 points27 points ago

Just the way she handled it. Instead of "lets go into the other room" she bust back out into the hallway for all to see and yelled you pooped.

I'm sure most knew what she was trying to do, was probably hilarious to everybody else to see it backfire. Instead of getting some sweet sexytime she gets two nostrils full of my airborne poop particles.

Either way in hindsight it was pretty fucking funny.

[–]dontrushthemonkey 42 points43 points ago

geez, how old was she, 6?

[–]isdevilis 10 points11 points ago

poopty poopty pants

[–]highschoolblows 125 points126 points ago

Not me but a friend of mine plugged the toilet at a hot girls house. She didn't have a plunger in the bathroom so his options were 1. Ask for a plunger, or 2. Take matters into his own hands. He chose 2... literally. He stuck his hand in the toilet, unclogged it and had shit all the way up his arm. But to him it was better thean the humiliation of asking the girl for a plunger.

[–]finlaybob 43 points44 points ago

Bet he wished he had one of these: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5qMbk5mL24

[–]tisraels 4 points5 points ago

Imagine if Billy Mays had done that commercial...

[–][deleted] 29 points30 points ago

"Your friend" sounds like a cool guy.

[–][deleted] 73 points74 points ago

He definitely made the wrong decision.

[–]Bajee 37 points38 points ago

I did this once, well the first part at least. Plugged up some hot girls toilet at a house party that I had literally just showed up at. It was insanely foul smelling and I could hear people bitching outside about it. Luckily nobody had seen me go into the bathroom in the first place so I just climbed out the window and then casually smoked a cigarette out front as if I had never even went into the house yet. My friend got blamed for it.

[–]Ben__Linus 18 points19 points ago

"Today smoking is gonna save lives"

[–]crimethinktank 92 points93 points ago

what a strange decision, I can't imagine anything more alpha than plugging a bitch's toilet and demanding a plunger. Imagine if she had to go ask a neighbor for one?? To a woman, when a man plugs her toilet with shite its a clear message that he is capable of plugging her vagina as well.

[–]Vato_Loco 102 points103 points ago

Shit size =/= dick size.

[–]crimethinktank 86 points87 points ago

shhhhh a girl might accidently read this thread! Don't fuck it up bro!

edit: Don't fuck it up esse!

[–]Vato_Loco 70 points71 points ago

Orale.

crimethinktank takes a girl into the bathroom after taking a dump. "See that? That could be inside you."

[–]crimethinktank 29 points30 points ago

I think we can all agree you learned something here to today.

[–]Vato_Loco 38 points39 points ago

No, no we can't. Poop size is how much dick you can take not how much you can give.

[–]BlueFamily 20 points21 points ago

What if she likes shit-dildos... shildos.

[–]Vato_Loco 22 points23 points ago

Alabama hotpocket.

[–]morphotomy 11 points12 points ago

Carpet bombing.

[–]crimethinktank 15 points16 points ago

Poop size is a proxy for masculinity, thats why Bros are always like BRO I JUST TOOK A MONSTER DUMP!

[–]morphotomy 34 points35 points ago

BRO LOOK HOW MUCH MY ASS STRETCHES.

[–]crimethinktank 12 points13 points ago

hey what username do you use on r/ass_stretchers

[–]MustWarn0thers 6 points7 points ago

"See that? My diameter is double."

[–]DamselUnderStress 35 points36 points ago

In my childhood, I asked my dad why he didn't go to the Spearmint Rhino, as it is a "gentlemen's club."

I thought it was a club where gentlemen got together and did gentlemanly things.

[–]azraphael 9 points10 points ago

I asked my father the same thing as a kid. Don't remember the name of the establishment, but I do recall that it was housed in a really old, seedy-looking mobile home.

[–]thedannychang 71 points72 points ago

Shit myself in band class while playing bass clarinet. Had to feel it ooze down my appendages for the entire duration of "Mars."

[–]fizzlepop 68 points69 points ago

good song though

[–]Endgame49 30 points31 points ago

What an epic song to shit yourself to.

[–]stewyman 20 points21 points ago

someone must have hit the brown note

[–]groovitude 28 points29 points ago

Dung-da-da-dung, dung, dung-dung-dung,

Dung-da-da-dung, dung, dung-dung-dung...

[–]mindkilla123 9 points10 points ago

I also play the bass clarinet and i've come close on a couple occasions. There were the stomach grumbles before a big performance and also the wettest fart I ever had in the middle of a karl king march.

[–]onezealot 268 points269 points ago

This one wasn't my brightest moment.

So I went over to this hot girls house one night and we were hanging out drinking and having a really good time.

A couple of hours later we were decently drunk and I suddenly had to take a really big shit. I had started taking a supplement in my diet that wasn't reacting well and had been causing me to be quite gassy lately and when I asked where the washroom was and she showed me I realized it was the only one in the entire house.

I really really liked this girl and had for a long time and I really didn't want to mess this up, I had a good feeling tonight. I was terrified of going to the bathroom in there and stinking up the place so when she left me I quietly sneaked out and started looking for a solution. I entered this dark storage room and in the corner I saw a dog and I thought to myself "Perfect I'll blame it on the dog."

I squatted in the far corner, quickly shit and then pulled my pants up, slipped back into the bathroom and wiped/flushed and washed my hands. I felt like a ninja.

Anyway, about 20 minutes later we decide to watch a movie and we walk to the family room (which is right by the storage room) and she starts sniffing and asks me if I can smell that. Thinking I'm being so sneaky I go "Yeah I can. Smells like dog poop."

"Yeah. I don't have a dog."

O_o

She opens the storage room door, flicks on the light and screams at the turd sitting in the corner. I scream because the dog sitting in the other corner is just a stuffed animal.

Basically her family comes running and discover this whole scene. Its obvious to them that none of them would be stupid enough to do this and as they all slowly turn their eyes to me I burst into tears and start apologizing. Her father looks at me and says "Just go."

So there I am, walking down their front steps crying while her whole family gathers on the porch, her father is holding her as she sobs.

TL;DR Drunken pooped in the corner, blamed it on dog, girl smells poop turns on light, there was no dog.

[–]r0Lf 30 points31 points ago

It might be funny, but that actually did not happen to you. This is very old joke.

[–]menomenaa 5 points6 points ago

Maybe he's the one that did it and his legacy has become so strong, it feels but simply like a long-ago joke that couldn't possibly be true. Except it is.

[–]avantledeluge 167 points168 points ago

HELLO. NO THIS IS NOT DOG.

[–]clevernamegoes_here 43 points44 points ago

This... this.... is horrifying...

[–]violent_creativity 14 points15 points ago

Your reasoning to take a shit in someone's storageroom instead of using the bathroom is pure gold.

[–]shit___happens 63 points64 points ago

Welp, here's mine.

Running has always been a hobby for me, and I ran cross country in high school. One night at a party this fact came up while talking to a girl I was interested in, and she said that she loved to run as well. We ended up hanging out the rest of the night; nothing happened but we made plans to go running the next day. Cool.

I call her the next day and drive to her house to go for a run in her neighborhood. We head out and the run is going great. I'm surprised at how well she is keeping up and we are talking the whole time. She seems into me. We stop at an intersection for a minute, and then I feel it. A low grumbling in my digestive system. The first sign of what would become the most poorly timed bowel movement of my life.

We continue on past the intersection, despite my suggestion that we turn around and start heading back. "What, you can't keep up?" She says, taunting me and my large intestines. I sprint to catch up with her, assuring myself that I could hold it. We finally reach the end of her neighborhood, and she says we can turn around and head back. I let out a huge sigh of relief, and a small scouting fart. You know, I want to see how everything is down there, so I try and let out a little fart to assess the situation. Big mistake.

While nothing came out, I was now cratering. I knew I had about two minutes tops to get to a bathroom, but there was nowhere to go. We start running back, and I'm freaking out. What do I do? Where do I go? We come around a corner and there's woods on our right. I seize the opportunity and tell her to go ahead and that I just needed to tie my shoe. She rounds the bend and I dash into the forest. I rip my shorts down and finally give birth to the small black child that's been wanting out for the past half hour.

However, in my haste my aim was compromised. I squatted down, and ended up shitting all down the back of one of my ankles and into my shoe. I tried to wipe with a leaf, but the leaf was dry and crumbled as soon as it touched my ass. Thus, I now had shit-leaf mixture in my asscrack, feces down my the back of my right leg, one white shoe, and one brown shoe. Needless to say, I was in no condition to complete this leisurely jog. And then I heard her yell for me, "Where are you?"

I couldn't face her. I just snuck off deeper into the woods. I came out on the other side in somebody's backyard. For the first time that day I had an inkling of good luck, as this house had a pool. I washed off my leg quickly and did my best with my shoe. Yet, I knew that my car was still at this girl's house, and my keys were actually inside of her house. I gathered up as much dignity as I could muster and walked the mile or so back through the woods to her house. I knocked on the door, she asked me where the fuck I had gone, why I had disappeared, etc. I mumbled some bullshit excuse about my mother needing me to come home and I walked into her kitchen, grabbed my keys, and walked out without saying another word. Car ride home, all I could think was "oh god why"

[–]Talvoren 18 points19 points ago

Hoping she reads reddit and finally understands why you disappeared after that first date

[–]butterp0pcorn 29 points30 points ago

give birth to the small black child that's been wanting out for the past half hour.

Lost it

[–]P2000Camaro 30 points31 points ago

Was playing volleyball with several hot girls. I'm a dude.. so I was excited. The ball was coming to me, and I had to kinda squat to reach it. Not sure why. Well, there was a small tear in my jeans that I didn't know about.. I heard a RIIIP noise, but wasn't sure what it was and brushed it off. After a while it started to feel "breezy"... My pants had ripped all the way from the zipper to my knee. And I wasn't wearing boxers. I have no clue how long my flacid penis was flapping in the wind freely.

[–]Willie_Main 100 points101 points ago

Probably either the vague memory I have of showing off an erection to my grandmother when I was two or three, wearing my Shady Aftermath leather jacket with my bleached blonde hair in middle school or, more recently, drunkenly walking up to a casual acquaintance and telling him that he should be my gay best friend-- I basically outed the dude in front of a bunch of people who didn't know he was gay.

[–]thegraymaninthmiddle 20 points21 points ago

,,,how do you sleep at night?

[–]Glassesasaur 14 points15 points ago

Wait. People can get erections at two or three????? [my world view has been forever altered]

[–]looney_bergonzi 73 points74 points ago

I once accidentally trod on a fat-ass spider with bare feet. It burst.

[–]Tinkerboots 79 points80 points ago

Urghhehsgresgsegsgsg think my spine just ran out of the room.

[–]Geminii27 35 points36 points ago

Possibly the most hilarious visual ever. With the flailing and the shrieking and the oh god why.

[–]SolaAesir 11 points12 points ago

Try a slug. No me gusta.

[–]Gunski 4 points5 points ago

[–]Deadhookersandblow 24 points25 points ago

Named my pet cat "Pussy" when I was really young. True story.

[–]JeradDS 16 points17 points ago

My friend's little 4 year old sister was told she could name their cat and she named it hoochie-play. It has been 2 years and supposedly she still doesn't know.

[–]figurativelyyes 120 points121 points ago

When I was a sophomore in high school, I was on the girls soccer team. Most of the juniors and other sophomores had favorite freshmen that they picked and would sit and be all friendly and cutesy with during off-times. A lot of the jokes were like "Hey Rache, my lover!" Or something like that.

I wasn't part of the crowd, but I wanted to be. One day I posted a comment on one of the girls' Myspace pages that said, "Megan!! My lesbian lover!!! <3" Or something to that effect. She never replied. I never fit in on the soccer team.

Oh God why...

[–][deleted] ago*

[deleted]

[–]voyetra8 39 points40 points ago

Can you maybe rewrite this story, and incorporate some pooping?

[–]inspire_thefuture 122 points123 points ago

Got off a train in a blizzard and had to shit really badly. No stores were open. My car was mostly covered in snow so I would be able to remain unseen whilst inside. I got into my car, found a shoebox in the backseat, pushed the seat back, and let it glide. Thank god it was a pretty solid shit that didn't need a lot of wiping. I rode with the log the whole way home (about a half hour drive). What a smell. Damn.

[–]ButlerGeorge 70 points71 points ago

Did you gift-wrap it when you got home?

[–][deleted] 132 points133 points ago

Why didn't you just chuck it out in the snow?

[–]NullPoint84 135 points136 points ago

Obviously he wanted to admire it for a bit.

[–]YourOldBoyRickJames 80 points81 points ago

Show it to his friends and such

[–]WearingMyBlueJumper 41 points42 points ago

His very own Mr.Hanky

[–]ReigninLikeA_MoFo 18 points19 points ago

r/Aww

[–]ireadabookonce 14 points15 points ago

The good old shoe box surprise... classic gag gift...

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points ago

[–]Brancher 34 points35 points ago

let it glide

You're killing me man.

[–]bobrocks 26 points27 points ago

There were no trash cans on the street? How about a mailbox?

[–]inspire_thefuture 148 points149 points ago

The turd needed a proper burial.

[–]Pants_R_Overatd 25 points26 points ago

I honestly have no clue why I found this comment so amusing.

[–][deleted] 20 points21 points ago

Turd is an amazing word that is not used as often as it should be.

[–]isdevilis 9 points10 points ago

anything over 20 kurics deserves a burial

[–]MikePalecek 51 points52 points ago

Mailman here. Fuck You!

[–]bobrocks 26 points27 points ago

I deserved that.

[–]MikePalecek 21 points22 points ago

That's OK, you're not the first to pull the old shit-in-the-mailbox routine.

[–]photosonny 23 points24 points ago

I interned at a very well known fashion magazine once. A few months afterwards I was at a club when I recognised one of the writers I'd worked with. We chatted a bit, got on much better than we had at the office, and she asked for my card so we could keep in touch (purely professionally).

I pulled out my card, and about 7 condoms came out with it and flew out across the dance floor. She looked at me with disgust, like it was some weird attempt at hitting on her... Then walked away.

TL;DR: I never shot for Vogue after an accidental condom explosion.

[–]Detective_Mills 34 points35 points ago

Oh no, I dropped my magnum condom for my monster dong.

[–]photosonny 19 points20 points ago

'Oh I'm sorry, I thought I threw these away, they just aren't big enough for me'

[–]HarlequinGirl 65 points66 points ago

Was in a fairly crowded public restroom, had to pee really badly. Finally one of the stalls opened, but by the time I had started peeing, it was already running down my leg and onto my foot. I sat down and cringed as I felt pee on my ass/thighs. I finished up and reached for the toilet paper. There was no toilet paper.

Panic. I stood up and tried to "air dry", but realised quite quickly that this would take a decent amount of time. I knocked on both sides of the stall and requested toilet-paper, but received no answer. Bitches.

So with a heavy heart I clenched my thighs together as much as I could, pulled down my shirt to cover the nethers and waddled from that stall to the next. In front of around 12 other women.

Oh god why.

[–]nicebumluv 20 points21 points ago

Oh my gosh, I've done this too. Thankfully there was nobody else in the restroom though, so I waddle-ran to the next stall safely.

[–]bluegreendream 4 points5 points ago

I can't believe no one would spare a square!

[–]GoodEnough4aPoke 44 points45 points ago*

I was on vacation in Aruba playing mini golf with my family and a friends family. I had to take a dump but I thought I could hold it in until we were finished. It escalated to a code brown by the 6th hole and I just took off for the bathroom and said I would be back.

I couldn't find the bathroom in time; by the time I did I had already crapped my pants. I left the bathroom a mess and my pants/underwear were stained to the point of no return. I was too embarrassed to go back so I left to take a cab home. I couldn't find a cab right away so I started jogging back to the hotel, which was a 15 minute drive away.

At that point I was like "Oh God Why", with shit stained pants trying to do a 3 mile run in Aruba, with no cell phone service since I was on vacation.

Not the end of the story; my family & my friends' family thought I was missing (didn't get back to the hotel for another 40 minutes and there was no way to contact me) and with the Natalee Holloway incident that happened, they thought I was kidnapped. They called the police and everybody was crying when they finally found me. I felt horrible and "Oh God Why'd" again.

People don't rag on me for it since they were genuinely scared I got kidnapped.

TLDR did the equivalent of a 5K with soggy shit stained pants, no cell phone, loved ones thought I was kidnapped.

[–]heartshapedcunt 23 points24 points ago

This sounds like it could be a Lifetime movie.

[–]Juntaozhu15 168 points169 points ago

tl:dr POOP

[–]OnlyCowardsDownvote 44 points45 points ago

Still better than /r/politics.

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points ago*

Oh boy, here we go. I was in my room playing some Starcraft before I had to go to marching band practice and decided I would have a quick fap before I had to go (gym short boners are incredibly embarrassing, especially on your dots under stadium lights). So I pulled out one of the Playboys I had stolen from my dad's drawer and got to work. Halfway through my mom knocked on the door and peeked in asking if I was ready to leave and I sputtered and stammered so she walked in (door was to the left of the desk, big crt monitor on the left corner so she could just see from my shoulders up.) She sees what's in my hand, looks at the computer screen and sees Starcraft and with a horrified look on her face says "Are you masturbating to your game?!" Mortified, all I can do is slowly point to the Playboy on the desk and she actually looks somewhat relieved and says "Just... get ready. I'll be in the car." Most awkward ride ever. Oh god why...

Also, when I got back the Playboys were gone and the next time I went looking for them there was a Post-it note on top of the stack saying "Derp, leave these alone!"

[–]tokerjoker11 37 points38 points ago

I went on a date with a girl for first time in high school. we went to the movies and then grabbed Burger King after. Apparently something went wrong, cause I then proceeded to shart myself. Not a normal shart, but explosive. I shit my pants on a date. i shit my fucking pants.

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points ago

"I shit my pants on a date. I shit my fucking pants." Dying right now.

[–]Linadra 53 points54 points ago

I'm pretty reclusive, so my best is my only one. (Doesn't involve poop)

So I was sick as hell, fever, cold sweat, passing out, the whole deal. I go out with my mother to the doctor, I have a sever flu, borderline pneumonia. No big deal, I get sick easily so I just shrugged it off. I was so dizzy I couldn't drive, so she's driving us back home. On the way home she decided that she wants to stop at a clothing store. I'm in some sweats and my hair is pulled back, so I don't really care to stop. When we get into the store, she's running all over looking at random things, she's alot shorter than me. I lose track of her, unknowingly, and I'm standing looking at the wall. I see a small figure next to me, lifting up some yoga pants. Thinking it is my mother, I say loudly "I have alot of sleepy pants at home already". I look down to see a younger girl, who then screams and runs to her daddy saying that I "talked weird to her". Her father told her not to make fun of mentally challenged people, and they left.

TL;DR: Sick me talked to a random stranger about sleepy pants and then was accused of being a mentally challenged person in a small public store.

[–]madeupstatistician 15 points16 points ago

[–]BabyBlue227 13 points14 points ago

When I was about 6 or 7, I was in my brother's room (he was about 13) and found his athletic cup on the floor. Long story short I thought it would make a lovely mask. "oh god, why?!"

[–]chelleyeah 42 points43 points ago

My friend (a fellow redditor) and I have gone to school together since Kindergarten, and many of these years were spent hanging out at her house and discovering all the magical things for us to play with. On one particular day in the fifth grade, we found her grandmother's wheel chair in the garage and decided to roll down the street with it. But my friend, always the more risky than I, decided it would be funny to take on a wheelchair persona. This all ended in me pushing her in a wheelchair down a busy street, a knit blanket across her lap while she sat in the wheel chair and cocked her head back with her tongue partially sticking out. Yes, she pretended to be a mentally challenged paraplegic and I her care-taker. Oh God why.

[–]Talvoren 45 points46 points ago

At least you didn't shit yourself at the end

[–]Lutherie 59 points60 points ago

Had serious gay sex with my cousin as a child. None shall top this story, although some back-story is required. My father, bless his narcotic riddled heart, had the glorious idea to let me watch porn as a child. His rationale was "It'll make him a ladies man". Anyways, my exposure to this explicit material caused me to become severely curious. I started humping random shit, essentially fapping at the age of 5. It got to the point that when i would take bathes with my cousin, we would end up having some serious gay relations so that we could practice for our future sexual endeavors. Tongue kissing, and junk rubbing. Just use your imagination people.

... OH GOD WHY....

[–]Myfishwillkillyou 24 points25 points ago

I should probably break out my throwaway for this, but I can't be fucked.

I was about 12 and at the beach with my parents, sisters and sisters' friend. This was a lovely beach but not very popular, so they hadn't bothered installing any kind of bathroom facilities. I desperately, desperately had to poop. Unfortunately we were pretty far out and it would take about 30 minutes to get dressed, off the beach, drive into town and find a washroom. So I decided to poop in the ocean - dogs did it all the time and it struck a naturalist vibe with me, for whatever fucking reason. So I sat down alone by the tide and pooped. I disposed of the movements in the water next to me, setting them down on the sand. All good so far.

And then my sisters' 10-year-old friend walks up. She asks me what I'm doing and I bullshit an answer. She notices my poop and picks it up. "Ooh! This is weird sand. It must have clay in it" she says. I mumble a reply. "It smells kind of weird, but I think it'll work great for our sandcastle!"

tl;dr: I pooped on a beach and my sisters' friend uses it for their sandcastle

[–]atanincrediblerate 23 points24 points ago

Driving with two hefty bags full of freshly cut marijuana in my truck, with two friends lying in the bed of the truck (illegal where I live). A cop pulls up behind us and I say "Hey, there's a cop, stay down" so my ever curious retarded friend sticks his head up to look. Sirens

[–]SuspiciousQuotes 4 points5 points ago

What ended up happening to you?

[–]FrownSyndrome 4 points5 points ago

And then what happened?

[–]nostalgicpanda[S] 3 points4 points ago

What happened after that?

[–]fetusloofah 9 points10 points ago

I always get bummed with these threads, only because I know I have an arsenal of moments that don't come to mind because of years of repression.

That said: I was taking a 4 hour bus ride from Pisco to Lima, Peru on what was essentially a glorified city bus- no bathroom, crowded and small seats. The night before, I fell victim to poor, drunken judgment and bought a 50 cent chicken hamburger from a street cart. As soon as I got on the bus I knew I was in trouble and decided to try to sleep through it. I woke up about 30 minutes later just in time to catch a couple quarts of chicken sandwich puree vomit with my dirty laundry bag. With no scheduled stops, my only option was to tie it off and try to contain it as much as possible. As if it wasn't bad enough having a bus full of people gawking at me while I was puke/screaming all over my clothes, I got to cradle it like a puke-baby on my lap for 3 hours. Luckily we stopped for gas, so I had just enough time to run in and point my explosive diarrhea at something vaguely resembling a toilet. Ahh, the joys of traveling in Latin America.

TL;DR Puke and shit everywhere.

[–]RbrtJrdn 9 points10 points ago

Went to dinner with my mom. The waitress comes up and is very pleasant. Not pleasant to look at, but rather - amicable- pleasant to deal with and doing a great job of catering to us even though the restaurant was really busy. Fast forward about 30 minutes and I excuse myself from the table to use the restroom. When I come back my mom is having a full blown conversation with the waitress. Just as I'm sitting down- my mom, obviously feeling comfortable with the waitress, reaches out and starts patting her tummy and asks "so, how far along are you?" The waitress froze. Tried to smile politely. Tried. It didn't happen. She started tearing up and her smile began to undulate. She ran into the back sobbing. Apparently she wasn't pregnant. She was just a bit fat. I paid the bill and GTFO.

[–]jacobheiss 36 points37 points ago

tl;dr Childhood wedding cake acquisition fail to my utter disappointment and loss of reputation


I was about six years old attending the first wedding I can remember. I didn't understand what was going on at all, but I knew one thing for sure: I really wanted a piece of that freaking amazing pile of cake. Imagine the excitement cake can inspire in a little kid, and then imagine what it must be like for a kid to encounter his first, muli-tiered instance of glorious layer upon layer of sugary goodness. If you lack the imagination and/or a soul, it's comparable to the affective experience of the first explorer to happen upon Machu Picchu, who also gets to eat it because he is hungry and it is made of coagulated happiness.

I spent virtually the whole wedding reception hovering around the table where the cake was displayed like a ravenous little jackal. Every time I approached the cake, the surrounding adults would pull me back, reiterating that I needed to wait for the bride and groom to cut it before anybody would get to eat some. Eventually, several other kids caught wind of the marvelous cake, and we began to organically form a little pack of cake stalking waifs, speculating about the particular slice we wanted, how long we'd have to wait, whether one of us might be able to duck in there and grab a hunk if we all committed ourselves at once in a bull rush, and so forth. But we were not sufficiently confident to try to get the cake under the watchful gaze of our adult sentries.

Eventually, the cake cutting part of the ceremony took place attended by the usual, playful cake smearing between bride and groom. I didn't understand what was so hilarious about this. Kids shove cake in their face as a matter of course, but that is because they are trying to consume all of it as swiftly as possible, not avoid eating it when hand-fed! I just thought it was a travesty that these people were wasting all that good, freaking cake. After the groom and bride finished sharing their inaugural slice, they proceeded to waltz about the room and chat with guests, and nobody else from the wedding party or waitstaff thought to cut up the cake and distribute it to anybody else. Fortunately for me, no adults thought it wise to guard the cake any further, either.

So, being the standupish lad that I was, I marched up to the cake and began distributing chunks of it to my jackal pack of compatriots before absconding a piece for myself. All the other kids got pretty excited about the bountiful slices I was dolling out and began to run around the reception hall with cake in hand. That attracted the attention of the adults, who traced the origin of the phenomenon back to yours truly. They were pretty upset about my generosity, and so was I--I had only made it partway through my list ad hoc cake orders such that I had not yet acquired a piece for myself.

The next part is pretty blurry in my mind. I remember brandishing the cake knife to ward off the adults who sought to separate me from my prize, then concluding it was a lost cause, then tearfully ditching the cake to dive under the nearest table I could find. When the cake police followed suit, I repeated this process of leaping underneath this table followed by that table until I either successfully lost my pursuers or they figured that they had effectively dispelled me from the cake such that they could return to whatever they were doing before their philistine interruption of my equitable, timely cake distribution.

I never did get any cake that day. Even if one of my "friends" had bothered to save me part of the piece I gave them, I was too scared to come out from under the tables until my parents recovered me from one of them at random--oblivious of my brush with criminal glory. But the story made its rounds to a couple of my teachers who were, evidently, connected to the wedding party such that I suffered under the ignominious reputation of (unsuccessful) cake thief for a while. Needless to say, I shed a tear the first time I read that one Hyperbole and a Half post about the god of cake that's probably running through the minds of whichever redditors wind up reading my account buried in this thread.

I was sooooooooooo close...

Oh God, why?

[–]CathanaMiau 8 points9 points ago

I hope you find a beautiful cake one day.

[–]whyyunozoidberg 18 points19 points ago

I don't know if this is my best but this is definitely the most recent.

I work at a job that has fancy Christmas parties, catered, open bar, the whole shabang. We are allowed to bring a guest as it is a Christmas party. My buddy who got me the job didn't bring anybody so for some reason I figured it was cool to bring two people. Little did I know that people only brought their girlfriend/boyfriend with them. I ended up bringing two bros to a Christmas party. I'm sure if anybody was on the fence about whether I'm gay or not made up their mind then. It was the most god awful feeling in the world. I could barely stand up, I became the epitome of SAP. Thank god there was alcohol. I'm not gay.

tl;dr

i brought two dudes two a fancy Christmas party

[–]blackt1de 9 points10 points ago

Food poisoning on a crowded overnight train in India. Having explosive shits with simultaneous vomiting hovering over a filthy squat toilet on a moving train ends pretty much how you think it would. Covered in poo and barf.

[–]foreveralonebetch 7 points8 points ago

A long time ago, my cousins were over my house (we all ranged from.. about 5-10) when my then-youngest cousin (lets call him dave) decided to do an "exercise" on the ground. He called it the "dave-exercise" which meant laying on our bellies on the floor, bending your legs, but keeping your feet together and then proceeding to go up and down on the floor with our bellies/waist. I didn't know that at the time we were just violently humping the floor, but boy did the parents get a huge kick out of it.

[–]navanac_jack 8 points9 points ago

I got drunk and decided to invent a new game. The "how close can I throw this dart to my brand new 42" LCD TV" game.

[–]nasi_lemak 16 points17 points ago

every time i shit in a toilet with no toilet paper

[–]fuck_pants 65 points66 points ago

I had to put on a pair of pants for an interview once.

Most uncomfortable interview ever.

[–]relaxathon 33 points34 points ago

My Nissan Sentra was hit-and-runned in Brooklyn hard enough to push it halfway on to the sidewalk. It was very clear what had happened and that the car was totaled. I found 3 parking tickets stuck in the torn metal for parking on the sidewalk and not having a working drivers side mirror

[–]iammonster 24 points25 points ago

The one time I've ever carried herbs through Central London I accidentally cut up a police van on my bike and got pulled over. I crapped myself.

[–][deleted] 40 points41 points ago

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme off for good behaviour.

[–]ImStillAwesome 10 points11 points ago

Yesterday at work. A coworker and I are doing inventory on the milk, and my manager calls me over. He's trying not to laugh, so I'm instantly wary. Turns out someone had some poop issues in our disgusting, rarely-cleaned bathroom, so I get to clean up toddlershit as well as six months of accumulated crud. And then work for another two hours before I could go home and shower.

[–]HamiltonBrand 11 points12 points ago*

In my 3rd year of photo school, I was taking a course on 'on-location' photography. This is a course that specifically teaches you how to manipulate lighting in difficult situations with minimal gear for editorial type assignments.

For some reason, I thought it would be cool to make something that reflects my opinions about god. I wrote a fancy description of the project i wanted to make and presented it to the class word for word. Fancy bullshit words such as 'synergy', 'his holiness', 'arcane', etc... It was poetic and fattened with ego. It wasn't any different than that asshole in philosophy class who thinks he's Jesus.

The second I finished, i realized that the class was staring at me as if I took an actual shit in front f them. We were all quiet then I said; 'fuck... This was a bad idea'.

Then I sat through the class looking like a fool as each student described how they'd shoot actual people and events which is basically what the class was meant for.

The weird thing was, I wasn't even remotely religious. I just thought it'd be cool to... Oh god.

TL;DR fuck ego.

[–]Rittto 33 points34 points ago

That one time I tried 4chan

[–]jclishman 12 points13 points ago*

My Christian cousins visited, they were like 16 or so, and I was like, 8. So I'm playing a game that I found called "Insanity Box"So I'm playing this game and I'm showing my cousins, there's this part where you have to whip Jesus on the cross. So, 8 year old me says to my cousin: "look at how I whip this guy!!!!"

Oh god, WHY

[–]waffleking11 4 points5 points ago

i felt my dads dick when i jumped on him when i was 6 yrs old. i told him he pooped his pants..........

[–]molotovsoup 6 points7 points ago

Up until a year ago, I dated a psychologist for about 3 years. We lived in our own home, knew the families, had a few pets, we were the perfect couple. Then she cheated on me and moved in with her boss. Now they're engaged and have a kid on the way. This whole charade really got to me and I couldn't get over it. It started affecting my work and most other aspects of my life.

Well two months ago, I decided to use some of my work benefits and see a counselor. I went through all the paperwork and had HR make an appointment for me to finally talk to someone about this problem. Three days before the appointment, I got some paperwork back and saw the name of the counselor. It was my ex. Apparently she had gotten a new job with the company my company insurance uses. I ran straight to HR to get transferred. Unfortunately, she is the only person our insurance covers.

[–]davidjwbailey 9 points10 points ago

Auditing a large construction company. I'm the most junior in team. Working late. Go to get ledger from empty desk. Open left hand drawer. Find set of fraudulent books as well as the "official account". Sit to read them. Hand on shoulder announces very angry security guard. Spend next 4 hours explaining why I was opening private desk.

Sometimes being right is not enough

"ohgodwhydidi?" is a fair summary of my thoughts

[–]nicebumluv 9 points10 points ago

Why do nearly all of these have to do with poop?

It's okay.. I didn't feel like eating lunch anyway...

[–]schploing 10 points11 points ago

I participated in a Pun thread once.

[–]ariden 2 points3 points ago

I have NEVER told anyone this story. At summer camp when I was 11, they took us on a trip to a local swimming hole to go swimming. I thought it was a fart. I really did. I shit myself.

However, it had just started raining and thundering, so I couldn't wade into the water and try to get it out. The counselors made us ALL go to the picnic shelter to eat. I was just there, with this load of shit in my swimsuit, trying to pretend that the terrible smell wasn't coming from me.

They then put us all in the back of a cow trailer (was this legal? probably not) and drove us back to our cabins (about 4 miles). The entire time, I was standing there thinking... oh god.... why. Literally every bit of the hour and a half that passed after I shit myself I was forced into close human contact.

When we got back, I went to my cabin and hid my swimsuit in my laundry bag. I couldn't swim the rest of the week of camp because I couldn't think of a way to get the suit clean. I just told everyone I was on my period.

Not to mention that my shampoo leaked all over my toothbrush that week, too. I resolved to the old finger-scrape-with-toothpaste trick. That never really suffices after 4 days.

Worst. Week of camp. Ever.

[–]downvotetornado 4 points5 points ago

The first time I got food poisoning.

So sometimes if I get extremely into an episodic show, i will begin to have dreams involving or taking place in the show. The night i got sick i had been watching The Sopranos pretty good for the last 2 days, and was having such a dream (nightmare) when i actually became sick. nothing really exciting or terrible happened from an outside perspective, just a lot of laying on the ground clutching a trash-can vomiting bile for a few hours, but inside my mind it was terrible. I was in a feverish state, and half stuck in this Sopranos dream. In my mind the sickness was a test, like getting jumped into the gang or something. The imagined notion that someone was actually in control of what was happening to me, and therefore could stop it, but wouldn't, made what would have been a just a really bad night, into something literally torturous. Defiantly a "oh god why" moment.

TL;DR Got food poisoning, became feverish/delusional, thought i was being tortured by the Sopranos

[–]xXRayquazaXx 4 points5 points ago

Oh god why... Well i was 5 years old at a baby sitters house with my older sister (who is 7 years older) were looking through her drawers of her dresser for fun because she was outside on the phone and i found the single biggest blackest floppiest dildo ever ( it had to have been at least a foot and a half long)! I didn't know what it was but my sister did. She kept shouting for me to put it down and i was derping around with it having fun flopping it around and i swung it back and bitch slapped my sister in the face with it! she had a huge red mark on her face that looked like the head of a super huge penis for like an hour. Now i look back at it i can't believe it. Don't get me wrong it's still funny as fuck but holy shit that's disturbing!

[–]scumbubble 4 points5 points ago

When I was in the 7th grade sexual experimentation was all the rage. First gf and all, yadda yadda yadda, start getting into phone sex. Didn't have a cellphone at the time, so I snuck the house phone into my room before bed time. Call gf up for some phone sexytime, and shit gets real. I get a bit excited and drop the phone, but caught it before it hit the floor and carried on like a boss. Just as I we finish up, my little sister runs into my room and says 'Are you on the phone? We can hear you.'

'OH GOD WHY'

Turns out I hit the speakerphone button. The receiver was in my mother's room. Where my sister and mother were supposedly sleeping.

[–]woahmanitsme 5 points6 points ago

So up at my cottage, there's this old marina by the lake. It's oil tank was underneath the lake and long-abandoned. My father and grandfather decided that they would be good samaritans and try to get it out of the lake before it leaked. A poorly macgyver'd contraption to pull it out quickly ripped a hole in it, exploding oil into the lake. Once it reached the surface they decided to burn it off. They didn't realize how far the oil had reached, and jets of flame started appearing across the bay and even in the lawn next to the shore. I arrived at this point to see them, having accepted their fate, just staring off into a burning lake as trees and bushes caught fire. My grandfather turns to look at me, stone-faced, and says "Oh God, what have we done."