Parents died in a car wreck two days ago. All I want to do is stay in bed and be left alone.

mkmcmas · 1 year

As someone who has been there (with ONE parent, not both so not really 'been there'), I can tell you that you don't have to do shit with the funeral, etc. Let someone else plan it. Don't even have a 'funeral' if you don't want it. The funeral home should have a 'generic' funeral and you can just sign the damn papers. But do accept the sympathy/support/help from friends and family now. You won't always have it, and it's really important to be surrounded by their support during these really bad times so you know they were there for you when it was the worst.

colusaboy · 1 year

You "relatives" should be doing this for you. Not the other way around. You just lost your mother and father.

GThwaite · 1 year

Hey bud, I've been in your spot before, I was "orphaned" at age 18 while still in my senior year of high school.

Don't do anything you don't want to.

All of these people wanting you to do things are people grieving and they want someone to help them through it. This isn't your obligation, you are more than likely affected more than them and it's selfish of them to ask you to participate in their death rituals. Do what makes you feel better, not someone else.

Edit-- And to answer your question, just tell them you're celebrating another death ritual and it would directly clash with whatever it is they want you to do. Not everyone has to follow the line of Christian death rituals.

itsdave · 1 year

Hey,

I lost my mum in a car wreck a couple of months ago. While not the same situation, I had lots of really helpful advice from reddit, it might be worth a read, here

I pretty quickly came to the conclusion that there is no way of coping really, but everyone will do so in their own way, and it's a case of mourning, and not allowing your grief to destroy you, so that you can carry on being the awesome son/daughter that they raised :)

PM me if you want to talk.

stonenotes · 1 year

First of all, there is no law which calls for a eulogy, and, generally, they are pretty lame. When my mother died, we didn't have a "funeral." We siblings hosted a family and friends get-together at my brother's house. We had her quietly, and inexpensively, cremated (which was her wish).

Don't go into too long a funk, but your relatives don't have shit to say about it.

TheScogg · 1 year

Invite your brother over. Tell him to bring a blanket and a pillow. Go to the liquor store and pick up something to soften the immediate blow. Put a notebook and two pens in the middle of that table in front of your couch. Now, get loaded with each other until you can scribble some words of beauty.

That way, you all are both in it for each other. You should share the burden because everything is so much easier when you have a wingman.

I know this is not what you asked for, but I really feel like you're going to regret not doing this. I watched my cousin drown a few years ago, and though I tried, I was unsuccessful at saving him. On the one year anniversary of his death, my parents decided to release balloons in his honor. Not wanting to confront the situation, I left early and cried all the way home. It still brings a tear to my eye today.

The eulogy isn't for the family. It's for you. It's so you can wrap some of your thoughts in a neat little package and try to make some sense of what's going on. I know it sounds so contrived and artificial, but it really will help.

rrabbit · 1 year

I am so sad to learn of your loss. Any professional minister would handle the eulogy themselves. Your reaction is reasonable and 'normal'.

oddballodd · 1 year

If you want to grieve alone, do it.

Just stay away from the booze and drugs. My son died ten years ago, and I didn't listen to people who warned me about the drinking. Now it's a problem for me.

Take my advice, grieve sober.

[deleted] · 1 year

I don't understand everyone telling you to "man up" or something. This is ridiculous. You have every right to wallow and grieve however you need to right now.

mikeramey1 · 1 year

I'm so sorry for your loss.

When my wife's mother died suddenly everyone looked to her to perform the eulogy. At that point the last thing my wife wanted to do was stand up in front of a large group, especially to talk about her mom. My wife spoke with her uncle about her fears and he volunteered to do the eulogy. I know it's hard to talk about how you feel, but if you let someone in they will most likely help you.

zenmasher · 1 year

So...not sure how to say this...but as a minister (what I do for "work") you should definitely not have to perform the eulogy. Are you working with a clergy person? They should be able to help you with this. If not, and you would like some help, feel free to contact me. I am happy to talk with your family as well. They are probably feeling completely overwhelmed themselves. They may just need someone to give them a little direction/framework. I can send you/them some funeral services which might relieve some of the pressure...also, just happy to talk with them.

A lot of people want to do a funeral on their own because they don't want it to be religious. I certainly can understand that. That said, a professional can pull together a service that is both meaningful and allows you to be a participant instead of the show, which is really stressful. If you are not part of a religious tradition and don't want it to be, I would suggest contacting your local Unitarian Universalist congregation...or your family could. It will cost money, but the peace of mind and the sense of respect and honor that can be created is worth it.

Lastly, I don't want to sound like a prude, I certainly am not in my own life, but getting loaded will probably make you feel worse. Although, I can understand the desire. Believe me. However, alcohol is a depressant and chemically it will alter your mood downward. Perhaps there is another way you can check out for a while without adding to the sadness.

My heart goes out to you and I am happy to talk if you need someone to talk to.

BigSlim · 1 year

Everyone grieves in their own way, don't feel bad about that. Don't let your grief spiral out of control, though, your parents, I'm assuming, probably wouldn't have wanted that.

I would just think about what the best way to honor them would be and do that.

CreepyFable · 1 year

But then all the sudden, they were just gone
I start in the middle because so did their end
Grief's carnival mirrors card-shuffle my feet
And set all to dance the lines not meant to bend

Too numb to seek anchor, I sit there, alone
That's death's real lesson, taught with a grin
You can't take it with you, they all like so say
As they take it with them, my vulture-like kin

And I just want them to stop.

Not heeding my feelings, they gather like clouds
They snipe and they snip and they sniff and they caw
"Here is your feast," I want to scream out
"Take what you want and then choke on it all!"

Instead I just nod and sign on the lines
I sign and I sign and that's all that I need
A sign that this nightmare won't go on and on
A sign that the sum of their lives isn't greed

And I just want it to stop.

The day of the service I'm abstract like art
Symmetrical lines that don't mean a thing
Directing the traffic, I'm sick of the words
Sick of the smell of the food that they bring

Some of them fear me for what I've become
A living example of future's cruel plan

Some of them chase me for what I've become
A big treasure map who walks like a man

Some of them judge me for what I've become
Too numb to be the dead's #1 fan

Please, please, let it stop.

I sneak to the porch and I light up a smoke
Breath that will kill me, thematic, I know
A stranger soon joins me and lights up his own
And says, "Don't you worry and no need to go"

"I've been where you're standing, and not long ago,
So I won't waste your time with all the cliche
About loss and love and god's gentle mercy
But there is one thing no one's bothered to say"

"This is a storm, friend, a fucking monsoon
And a dinky umbrella's not gonna do shit
They seem almost cruel when they hold one above you
They can't feel this rain, so forgive and forget"

"Right now the wind howls and the water's like ice
And you can't feel your feet and your clothes are like lead
But soon this will break and it'll get better
Grey and then dry and then sun on your head"

"It's blinding at first, but that sun, it'll dry you
At first it'll burn but then you'll get a tan
Before you know it you'll relax on the lawn
Well, I've pushed this analogy as far as I can"

"Stop trying so hard, there's nothing to do
But give them this show and then wait it all out
I was friends with your father, so here's my card
If you need anything then just give me a shout."

I take his card and then he takes his leave
I sit on the porch and for the first time, I cry
In the wind and the rain and the water like ice
The monsoon I call the week my parents died

But then one day it stopped.

crusoe · 1 year

"My PARENTS just died, give me some room and time to grieve. I am in no shape to compose a eulogy wihout your help."

On the eulogy, ask for their help. They can all contribute. Heck, maybe each of you write up something short to say.

kirstead · 1 year

Cry.

razzbar · 1 year

Wow, I'm so sorry. Your feelings are to be expected, and hey, what are you supposed to do? Carry on like nothing ever happened?

If you feel this way a month from now, that's a different story. But for now, I think you're behaving normally.

I guess the traditional thing is for people to be so busy with funeral arrangements, and getting on with what remains of their shattered lives, as some kind of "buck up" process. Life does go on, but for now... Jeez, what a terrible thing to happen.

How old are you? I was 15 when my mother died. I lived alone with her, but there was all kinds of support from relatives and her friends and business associates. I took a week off from school, and everybody was real nice to me and all that, but I wasn't asked to speak at her funeral or write an euolgy, for cryin' out loud.

I should give you one warning, however: Years ago, I knew someone who was about 19 when his parents died in a plane crash. They had tons of money, and he had a decent trust fund that gave him a good wad of cash every month. Like 4 times as much as what I earned in a full time job. About the middle of every month, he'd beg to borrow a hundred bucks from me, promising to pay me $200 when he got his next check. I felt rotten to refuse him, but rotten to take 100% interest, too. But he insisted, and that went on for several months. Basically, he figured he could live on his trust fund for the rest of his life, and became debauched and irresponsible. He died of a drug overdose about 3 years later.

You can take a week or a month off, but you're going to have to get back on that horse of life and ride it sooner or later. You'll know the time. Have the kind of life they always wanted you to have. For now, tell your relatives you just can't deal with all the hassle. What do they expect?

MeanMotherHubbard · 1 year

I am sorry.

nawlinsned · 1 year

Call a locksmith. Change the locks on the doors to your parents' home, get him to open any locks on any safes. You'll need the documentation.

After this, you will likely want to retain a lawyer. Immediately. Depending on the state, and whether or not your folks have a will, you need to protect their assets from greedy relatives. If you don't have a camera, purchase one and take photos of every asset in their home. This isn't so that you're acting like a vulture, it's to protect you from the vultures that will invariably come out of the woodwork in your family. No matter what they say, no matter how antique it is, if it's your parents', then it's the property of you and your brother now.

After that, call your brother, tell him you should get together at a spot you can have privacy, along with his friends, and call either your closest friends or your friends with the warmest hearts to get together (they may not exactly be the same, but I'll explain why you should do this).

You do this for two reasons. One, you will have some emotional support. Secondly, they can help you get through this from either personal experience or they can ask their parents who have lost parents as adults. Some of your closest friends may be shellshocked, but the ones with the "warmest hearts" that I mentioned will be the ones who will try their best to help out in any way that they can.... they aren't immediately affected by the situation, but they'll still want to help.

ajl_mo · 1 year

I was exactly where you're at about 28 years ago. I was 20 and my brothers were 16 and 15 when my parents were killed in car accident. My brothers and I were at home when we got the call to go to the hospital. They died on the scene but we didn't find out until we were at the emergency room. Thank God I was home for semester break. I don't want to think my brothers getting that call w/o me being there or having to make the trip home from school.

The next week or so will be nuts. But try to remember that rest of your family is grieving too. Don't hold anything that anyone does or says in the next couple days against them. Believe me, people say some stupid shit at funerals. But it mainly because they don't know what to say.

Hang tight with your siblings. You all need each other more than you'll know in the next couple years.

If you were as lucky as I was to have great parents you'll miss them as long as you live. But hurt does go away.

PM me anytime.

hueristic · 1 year

If i imagine the thoughts of other family members, they might be feeling that you and your brother are the 'highest rank' to guide the family through the service. Your family cares deeply, but there could be a crippling fear, conscious or not, that they'd do it wrong in your eyes or somehow insult your parents. They may be wanting so desperately to not make things worse for you, that they're asking you to lead now as well.

Is there a family member or even a friend that you trust? Could you ask that they handle all questions and responsibilities? Because - and this is just my feeling - you need to focus on grieving. But that's not something best done alone. That doesn't mean everyone should ignore you, but that your friends need to call and come over and sit with you and hear you. Or a counselor.

Talk through it. So many times that you eventually can find the words to express what your emotions are. To find what's important, what you love about them and how much your parents will always mean to you.

wakachamo · 1 year

I really don't have an answer to this because I don't think I could even picture myself in such a situation, but I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry for your loss.

Apologies for the spam but I couldn't help not leaving at least something wishing for the best. We're with you.

andrewsmith1986 · 1 year

I'm sorry for your loss but it is probably not the best idea for you to just get loaded and sleep all day.

kkjelden · 1 year

I can't imagine how you feel right now but all I can say is hang in there. Maybe these will help? I like to think I have all of them bookmarked for a reason...

admiraljohn · 1 year

I lost my mother in 2008, very unexpectedly, when she ruptured an aneurysm. For the 10 days she was in the hospital I was forced to make her health care decisions when my step-father claimed he could never find her health care proxy paperwork (this was totally against her wishes; she expressly told me she made him the proxy so I wouldn't be burdened with the decisions).

I have very little actual memories of the day she died. I remember when she died and calling family members, then my wife took my cellphone out of my hand and just held me while I cried. The next real clear memory I have is being at Barnes and Noble so she could buy a secret Santa present, then I remember being at her sister's house.

The point is I know what you're going through... only two days removed from this you're in shock, and to want to sleep and get loaded is a perfectly natural response, but unfortunately you don't have that luxury right now. You have to do right by your parents and make whatever arrangements they wanted to see to it their wishes are carried out. You'll have plenty of time to grieve, but right now you honestly don't have that luxury. You have a responsibility to your family, and more so, to your parents.

I'm very sorry for your loss and I hope you don't think I'm being a complete tool, but it's the cold, hard truth.

justnick · 1 year

You might not want to ruin getting loaded for yourself. If you do this, chances are that you can't get loaded ever again without getting this feeling back.

Good luck.

The_Body · 1 year

I won't pretend to understand what you're going through. If you want someone to talk to, just message me.

Good luck.

notatoad · 1 year

your parents have just died. do whatever you want, tell people to fuck off. they'll understand. and if they don't, fuck 'em.

slowpoke257 · 1 year

I'm really sorry for your loss, and I know it sucks to hear this, but how will you feel five years from now if you blow everything off? What will you be comfortable living with?

themarioclone · 1 year

Refuse to do it like ur brother did, they should respect that

Sorry man. :(

Time helps more than words

[deleted] · 1 year

To hell with everyone else, you don't owe them shit, do what you want to do. When we lost our second daughter we bought an urn that looks like a piece of symbolic art. We put it on the dresser and burn incense or candles from time to time. It's a nice way of keeping memories alive and we don't have to go traipsing around other peoples decaying corpses. Also, since she's in an urn, she goes wherever we go, no matter how far away in time and space from the original location.

altdotexpletive · 1 year

My father died from pancreatic cancer when I was 23. Time is the only thing that makes it any better and even that is a pretty weak cover up. One day you will look in the mirror and just decide that everything keeps going on no matter what. Its depressing and enlightening at the same time. It has the ability to take away every fear you've ever had. I consider the day that he died the day that I became a man. Get through the grieving and think about the positive memories you have with them. I didn't give a eulogy and would never expect someone who lost a parent suddenly to be able to (pancreatic cancer isn't instant, but he went from 100% healthy to diagnosed to deceased in 8 months). All I can say is that things will get better, and to stay in touch with the people who care about you, but keep as much distance as you need until you feel in control enough to deal with everything that is unfolding around you. When it comes to money, this is the one place that you need to be on top of every second. Money does crazy things to people, so just watch it and work with the executor of the estate. They will know the best things to do. And when its all said in done and they are in the ground, take some of the money and go on a sabbatical. It isn't a vacation, but just two weeks or so away. Maybe take your brother? It helped me to get away.

mwb86 · 1 year

i hope karma passes you a million miracles for this tragedy. may they rest in peace wherever that is, and i hope you find peace one day. i wish i had an answer for you but theres no easy way out of this

three_pronged_plug · 1 year

i wish i could give you a hug right now.

ApolloHawks · 1 year

How old are you? Age makes a difference

InternalCalculator · 1 year

Dear OP,

I can sympathize with your plight more than you can ever imagine. Ten years ago, I lost my father and my grandmother in a sudden rollover accident in one of those top-heavy SUVs that were in the news at the time. My mother was severely injured, and my uncle, who was also a passenger, sustained only slightly milder injuries than my father did.

I'm sure this post will get lost somewhere near the bottom of the list, but on the odd chance that you actually see this: I just want you to know that others have experienced this type of loss, like myself, but nobody else can claim to know the grief you are feeling. Do you kind of understand what I'm getting at?

That being said, don't listen to the vultures who want to gobble up the spoils of the dead for themselves. Don't listen to the zombies who demand that you immediately press forward with your life, simply because they have managed to screen out the pain by plugging their ears and shouting "la la la".

And you'll probably think I'm a dick for saying this, but don't listen to that voice that tells you that you need to get wasted or stoned out of your mind to cope with your loss. If you allow yourself to connect grief with some sort of reward pathway, like alcohol and weed, you are just reinforcing self-destructive behavior. Facts are facts.

Just stay calm and rational as best you can. But allow yourself to be alone with your thoughts. Listen to that anguish you are feeling; let it wash over you. You are going to have to face it someday. It may as well be today.

A_Golden_Retriever · 1 year

All I want to do is stay in bed and cuddle with you. Maybe play tug of war if you want...

JayBeCee · 1 year

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. It is a true tragedy and my heart goes out to you.

Your best option would be to summon all your strength and courage....go downstairs to your family and calmly and assertively tell them that you need to grieve in your own way, and that as your family you expect them to support you in how you choose to do that. Everyone grieves in different ways and right now this is what you need to do. Ask them to give you some time and when you need their help you will ask for it. (The only requirement being that when you do need help you ask for it....) Thank them for their support and understanding in such a tragic time....and go back to your room.

It only happened two days ago....if you are still like this in 2 months then you need to see a doctor....but for now do what you need to do in order to feel as ok as you can. (Within reason....don't OD on anything please.)

Peace and Love dude....I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

hoedownmcgee · 1 year

I hope you come to terms with your grief. It can be numbing and horrible, but you can get through anything. Best wishes.

danxmason · 1 year

Tell them to organize it. You're going through normal bereavement. If you want to speak at the funeral you will speak. No one should force you.

bunyip · 1 year

You're probably in shock. I don't even remember the first week or maybe month after losing my dad in a car crash when I was in college.

I can't tell you what to do now, but I hope you eventually talk to someone, a professional or even a support group. These things weren't available for me and in retrospect, it cost a lot of years that I would give anything to get back.

In the meantime, is there maybe a good friend who might help decipher the basics of what needs to get done?

I wish you the best; I know it doesn't feel like life will ever get better again, but it will.

xb4r7x · 1 year

Don't have any advice for you, but I'm terribly sorry for your loss. Hang in there... only time will fix this one.

thatsmyaibo · 1 year

Unplug your phones and take some time to grieve in the way you see fit. You need it and people need to understand. A funeral director will help you do everything and honestly can be an amazing help to you.

I wish you all the best.

Hellzapoppin · 1 year

They can't force you to anything, so just say no. It's ok to define boundaries.

On the other hand, collapsing inside yourself might not be a good idea, getting wasted and staying in bed is not constructive. As irritating as I found many in my family when my dad died, I realised that they were well intentioned and genuinely cared for me and my immediate families situation.

In short, maybe allow yourself to be helped, but keep the boundries in place. Now is an intense time, if the funeral is done according to some of your wishes, you will find it very cathartic.

Funerals are an important ceremony, and no matter what your spiritual persuasion, you should celebrate your parents lives.

My aunt committed suicide last year, unexpected and horrible. At the funeral, my cousin sang 'he's a lumberjack' at the end of the eulogy and the congregation joined in. He did it cos he knew his mum would get a kick out of it were she still living.

Maybe try to think of something for you and your brother. Doesn't have to be big, but something you guys can share together.

Love to you from Sweden.

testicularmilk · 1 year

My best advice when you are doing anything is get help from a 3rd party such as a friend who has no emotional attachment, when you are grieving you will making some irrational decisions especially with the funeral planning where the funeral planners will want to scam you by making you feel bad, take someone who will be able to make the most rational decision that will give your parents a great send off without you being scammed.

Remember you loved them and they loved you and the time you spent together meant more to them than anything, dont spend thousands of pounds on tons of funeral stuff which they wouldnt want, they wouldn't of cared about the type of casket you bought but the time you spent together meant everything to them

Sorry for your lose mate x

darchinst · 1 year

I lost my dad in a motorcycle accident when i was 7 right after he dropped me off at school. Then I lost my mom a few years ago in a car accident. I will always be pissed about both. All my kids birthdays, all the things I know they would love if they were around for me to show them, everything. It sucks, and it will always suck. I'm as pissed now as when I was 7. But you can't let that prevent you from living. Stand up, get this funeral bullshit out of the way, and then go into a two-week cloud. Put as much shit as you can on others. Get a fucking lawyer straight off and let him do everything possible. He'll keep you from getting fucked over to a certain extent. Tell the family that someone else is going to have to do the eulogy and funeral arrangements. If no one is willing to, then you'll just have to man up and do it. The funeral director will help you keep shit straight, just don't let him talk you into anything more expensive than what they had insurance to cover. As per the comment below, call a locksmith for the safe. Basically, you need to put off all the crap to others in a way that won't fuck you over in the long-run. Lawyer first, funeral director second, family third. Just get it over with, then flip out. You kind of have to go on auto-pilot until the funeral is over. Do the responsible thing, feel free to take a moderate amount of pills while you do it, lose your shit once they are in the ground. It really, really sucks. And I'm sorry, but it will always really suck, but that's life. Get up and get the funeral over with, take care of shit so that no one fucks you over or messes up your parent's final moments above ground. I cried through the entirety of picking out my mom's casket, dealing with life insurance, arranging flowers, headstone, calling family, dealing with the food at the funeral home, etc. I was a shit-fucking-mess but I was dressed well, loaded up on Xanax, and got it done tastefully before I flipped out. You can PM me if you need to talk or any kind of support that may help you. I feel your pain, it doesn't get less painful, but life does get better.

InsideOutBaboon · 1 year

God, I'm so sorry. Please just rest, and know everyone here is pulling for you.

bahamius · 1 year

Think about nothing but the future dude. I know this is a tough time and I can't relate at all to this massive level, but the only thing to think about is your future. This is a very life changing moment and you must acknowledge this... however, since you are now a lone wolf in a massive world you must now survive and make this into a stronger you.

With bravery and strength you shall survive, and become a better you.

With love,

Your friends of reddit. <3

Clorox_Breakfast · 1 year

"Funerals are for the living", is what my grandmother said before her cancer killed her. Don't feel obligated to do anything. Grieve in your own way, in your own time. Don't listen to people who say shit like, "It's what they would have wanted." Make sure you're okay first. Take care of yourself.

animalcrackers1 · 1 year

I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling right now, losing both of your parents so suddenly in this manner.

I was asked to do my father's eulogy when he passed and I couldn't do it. Please don't be forced to do what you feel you can't.

I am so very sorry you are going through this. My heart breaks for you.

mrdizzy · 1 year

Do not not not not let anyone take control of this and tell you what to do. Don't let them guilt, pressure or pry into your mind. You do exactly what the hell you want for this and fuck anyone who says otherwise or tries to make you feel badly. You deserve to be alone and get high if you want.

Wilzer · 1 year

Man, I hope you read this.

8 years ago my mother died of cancer. My dad pretty much turned the remaining days of preparation over to the children. We were mad. How could leave this to us while we are in such grief? We made the arrangements, picked out the coffin, what she would wear, notified all the people who need to be notified, organized her house in preparation for the onslaught of visitors...everything. We were arguer still. We held a grudge.

Last year my maternal grandmother dies. My dad had handled her estate for 30 years because her children were not too responsible. He contacts her children and turns ofer the estate to them. I asked my dad why after 30 years of handling things he turns over last responsibilities to the irresponsible children. He says this..."Children are supposed to bury their parents." It floored me. After all that time, I realized what my dad had done for us by making us bury our mother. He was giving us closure.

While preparing for the days following moms death, we were forced to focus on her. At every turn we were faced with her memory. The people we interacted with caused us to come to terms with who she was, what we were faced with, and how to move on.

Now, your situation is a totally different thing. My heart is broken for you right now. I could never imagine. But please think about taking an active roll in the upcoming days. I promise you will feel better for it in the long run.

nishay · 1 year

good luck, brother

RattusRattus · 1 year

I can't really advise you on how to deal with your family, but the depression--I can help with that. If you don't have a TV in your bedroom, roll one in there, set up you PS3, or whatever it is you have. Get a bunch of movies, series, etc. Stock the house with liquor and frozen pizza, and ignore your perky friends who are trying to cheer you up. At this point, you're depressed, you're in shock, and you're probably going to deal with the situation in the shittiest way possible. This is all normal, and were your family not dicks, they would be understanding of this. The caveat is, you need to understand that this is temporary. If I could give you advice, drag your ass into work occasionally. You don't need to be useful, you just need to get out of the house. Distraction is a very very good thing, and often under appreciated when it comes to dealing with such serious issues, otherwise you're stuck like a gerbil on a wheel thinking shitty thoughts. If you have any snarky friends, I would invite them over, and maybe spend a few hours drinking and mocking your family. When you stop feeling overwhelmed, that's when you start getting your shit back together. It doesn't have to be right away--maybe you stop drinking so much, you go out a night or two a week, etc. You just need to start taking small steps, feeling warm and fuzzy about those steps, and taking more. This is more or less how I've dealt with clinical depression. There are times where all I'm going to do is lay in bed, and write stupid shit in my journal, and cry. That's fine for an evening, but for a week, not so much (I'm talking about myself here, for you that's reasonable). At some point, I just need to exercise, eat some proper food, and probably meditate. Also, I recommend meditation, to everyone. It's really the art of not thinking, and it's a very valuable skill for those moments where you're in a crappy situation, with no ability to do anything about it.

I hope you feel better. Practice scowling for your family. Also, if you don't want to eulogize your parents, don't. The best way to honor them is to get over this, when you're ready, and find happiness--in the end that's what they would have wanted for you.

NearlifeXperience · 1 year

Become Batman!

larwk · 1 year

Do what the fuck you want son. But if it was me I'd step up. I'd pour my heart into that eulogy and honor my parents.

Take your time and grief, but step up and help your family.

moonflower · 1 year

tell them you are in shock and you can't do it, ask if there is someone not so shocked who can do it

Big_Brain · 1 year

My condoleances bro.

[deleted] · 1 year

Do whatever you personally need to do, just don't let it go on forever. Having been through grief before, I can tell you that it might help to be around someone else. Even if you're getting loaded and crying on a cot in your best friend's garage, it's going to help you break through that shock and uncover your emotions.

But, thank you for this post. It solidifies my own plans for ceremony after my death. As the Klingons say, "It is only an empty shell now, please treat it as such." Chuck the body, have a party, and don't load people with obligations on top of my death.

ggarenn · 1 year

You do whatever you need to do. Everyone grieves differently. If you still are doing nothing but sleeping a month from now, maybe you should re-examine your coping, but it's been 2 days. You take all the time you need and they'll all still be there when you're ready to cope. Simply tell them "Both of my parents just died and I can't deal with it. Please, since you seem so able to cope, can you handle things for me because I'm not willing to engage in this right now." Good luck dude, that is a helluva thing to adjust to.

genericuser1289 · 1 year

My father just died recently and my mother told me that she wasn't going to deal with anything this time. She told me when my grandma died that she jumped on all the paperwork, etc to get everything done since no one else did and she never got a chance to grieve and apparently it was quite upsetting to her and she wasn't going to do that again. I think you should just continue doing whatever you need to do.

[deleted] · 1 year

Crazy idea here... you could try telling them that.

polyphasic0007 · 1 year

you really need to have some people around you. even if they aren't talking to you, just tell them that you need someone around and not to talk to. like, tell them to bring their homework, or to cook together, but that you don't want to talk.

if you go through this alone, you will become a different person in a worse way.

sirbruce · 1 year

I feel your pain.

The number one thing I came away with from my father's funeral is to tell people: WRITE DOWN YOUR FUNERAL DESIRES IN ADVANCE. There's so much that needs to be decided for the funeral: cremation or burial, what kind of casket, where to put the remains, what flowers, what songs, will there be a viewing, do you want a prayer, any special requests, who should be the pallbearers, who do you need to contact, who is going to pay for it, and on and on and on. And these decisions have to be made within days, by people who are probably least equipped to make them, while under a great deal of emotional strain. I held up pretty well, but it was not easy; I can only imagine how others deal with it all.

I am tempted to simply tell you to man up and do it, although I'm curious why your brother "refuses". Maybe you should talk to him about it. But if you don't want to do it just tell your family who you want to handle it instead.

MeenXo · 1 year

Hang in there. We love you.

jittwoii · 1 year

rough.. if you want to clear your head and get away from all the shit for a while feel free to come hang out in Cyprus and clear your head. the sea is quite a cathartic bitch.

ecancil · 1 year

Some people deal with death by becoming busy body fuckers, my family is like this. Me on the other hand, tend not to deal at all. This clashes more than I can tell you. But I'll be fucked if I let them tell me how to deal. And that is my advice to you

Emilushka · 1 year

I just wanted to stop by and offer my condolences. I'm really sorry you're going through this. What you're feeling is part of the normal grieving process after a huge loss like you've had, and I guess your family is just too stupid to understand that. Give yourself some time, as you're doing. Hang in there.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

theadmiraljn · 1 year

Wow, they definitely shouldn't be harassing you write and read the eulogy. When my dad died from a heart attack, there was no way in hell I would have been able to read a eulogy and have people be able to understand me. My aunt stepped up the plate and wrote a really nice one, I hope one of your relatives will do the same.
It's totally okay to want to be alone. After my dad died there were often people at the house talking to my mom and stuff, and I just wanted to be away from it all, I wanted to move on, you know? Try to get out of bed and occupy your mind with something though, even if it's sort of mindless, like a video game or something. Lying around in bed all day could lead to depression and such.
I'm sorry for your loss, and my best wishes are with you. It probably won't feel real for a long time. It's been 4 years since I lost my dad, and I still have to remind myself sometimes that he's not coming back. You can message me if you want someone to talk to.

72APTU72E · 1 year

Regrettably, I'm horrible at advice... So <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

KorgRue · 1 year

Everybody deals with grief in their own way. If this is your way, so be it. Just be careful about the "getting loaded" part. I know it help repress the grief, but you don't want to rely on it. In the end it will make things much, much, worse for you because not only does it prevent you from confronting your grief and getting through it, but it will take over your life.

As far as getting them off your back, tell them that this is how you choose to deal with your grief, and ask a family member you are close to to help arrange the funeral and do a eulogy. They want to help. Let them know how you want them to help and they will do so. Right now they feel powerless; empower them and in doing so you will empower yourself.

My heart goes out to you, and I am really, really, sorry for your loss. I know you feel the world has collapsed around you, and in a way it has. But you will get through this as long as you deal with your grief. I know you can do it, so hang in there. The clouds will pass.

classicman · 1 year

I agree with the comments below man. Fuck everyone else telling you to take care of this stuff. My mom died when I was 16 and there is no way I would have been able to do anything either. If you want to grieve in bed do it man. Tell them all to fuck off.

magdalenmaybe · 1 year

First off, I'm so very sorry for your loss, lad. There are no words to make it better or easier, I'm afraid.

But food for thought, take it or leave it ... there can be value in ritual, especially in a horrendous situation like yours. When one is at a loss as to what to do, how to feel, following protocol helps in that there are no (or few, at least) decisions to make ... just follow the steps. Numb is perfectly acceptable. Shit, in your case it's to be expected.

I so totally understand that you wouldn't want to get anywhere near a eulogy right now. 'Talk about pressure. But screw the perfect eulogy ... no such thing. There are no specs. If you've got the energy, just sit down and write your parents a letter, through tears if necessary (sucks, but incredibly cathartic). Just say thank you. Keep it to a paragraph if that's all you've got. You can have someone else read it at the service if you think your composure won't hold... that's ok too.

Sounds like your brother is having his own issues with things, and chances are that other family members are too. Net of your own experience, I suspect you do care about how they're doing. There is value and safety in attending to the well being of others when unsure of your own. It can buy you some time before having to stare your own loss in the face. Not saying you should run around hugging everyone, but even if your eulogy/letter consists of 3 short but heartfelt sentences, it will help everyone else who knew and loved your parents begin to make their peace with the dissonance and abruptness of a loss like this. 3 months from now, 3 or even 30 years from now, you'll be glad you did. I suspect you'll also be a little overwhelmed by the love shown to you by those assembled. That'll come in handy.

Or, not. If you just can't get there, so be it. There is no right or wrong way to do this. This is probably the most stressful thing you have ever gone or will ever go through. Be gentle with yourself.

You've got a really hard year or two ahead of you. The ache will really never go away. But you'll survive it. Best way to tie up any loose ends you may have had with them is to stay true to what you believe, and live a life that would make them proud.

Woefully inadequate, but good luck. I wish you peace, and like everyone else here, I'm pulling for you.

kachapati · 1 year

I'm deeply sorry for your sudden and tragic loss. I hope once the dust clears a bit you opt to find a grief counselor. Although usually extended family is enough support to rely upon, unfortunately I don't think your family has it in them to be appropriately supportive.

colusaboy & bunny253 have already said all that needs to be said about the eulogy so I won't repeat. All my best...

rustyshackleford10 · 1 year

I hope you feel better dude. I cant even begin to imagine what you're going through.

[deleted] · 1 year

This is one of my worst nightmares. I'm so sorry.

mojination · 1 year

Your parents just died in a car accident. It, without doubt, entitles you to do whatever you need to cope (within the boundaries of not hurting others of course). Get loaded if that's what you want to do. If you don't want to perform a eulogy then don't. Who will you offend? Your parents have passed, and whether or not you believe in an afterlife is not important. Either way you cannot offend them. You can only offend yourself. So just be sure whatever you do is that you will still agree with in the future. No regrets. Living is the hard part. Don't skip something out of grief and then regret it later, is all I am saying, because you'll have to be the one to live with that regret. With that in mind, only you can decide what to do here. Just remember that anything is fine, and if any of your more distant family gives you shit firmly tell them to fuck off.

baccus83 · 1 year

It is the height of insensitivity for anybody to expect you to be doing ANYTHING other than mourning the passing of your parents. Don't worry about the funeral and all that. It will get done without you. Right now you need to grieve.

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