Dear Reddit, describe your best real-life Seinfeld situation.

Snufflesaur · 1 year

I once faked it with a girl. You know, sometimes it's enough already and I just wanna get some sleep.

Eliot_2000 · 1 year

One February morning I was riding an elevator with a young black lady. She was pretty, and I checked her out a bit, without staring, of course. I noticed a small button pinned to her chest, what it said didn't seem to make sense. So I pointed at it and asked her:

"milk?"

She stared at me, and then at the button. "Doctor Martin Luther King"

I looked again, sure enough, it just said MLK.

I said "Oh." and got off at the next floor.

FasterEddie · 1 year

OK fuck it nobody's going to believe me but:

I took a flight between San Jose and LAX once - small plane, I just got on and didn't really look around, was pretty exhausted at the tail end of a busy holiday. Once we got into the air they gave out pretzels. I was starving, so I asked for more pretzels, and the obligatory drink (because, you know). I look across the aisle and Michael Richards (Kramer) is sitting there, just looking at me...

gnuchu · 1 year

More Larry David than Seinfeld but here goes...

I am very short sighted but don’t wear my glasses as often as I should. When I need to see something and I don’t have my glasses I almost close my eyes and things come into focus better and I can read things. The effect works better if I pull my eyelids slightly to the side.

So, a few weeks ago I am walking home and I notice that there’s a new shop opening over the road from my house. I go over to investigate and do my eye trick to read the notice that is in the window. As everything comes into focus I notice that it’s a chinese restaurant and that there are two chinese people standing looking out at me, shaking there heads at what must seem like some racist gesture fresh from the 80s.

defenestrate · 1 year

I was a witness to the following event, but it was the closest thing to a horribly awkward seinfeld/curb moment ever:

Working at a restaurant as a server, end of the night, a large party is leaving, I am near a side station, sweeping. As the group is leaving my manager stops by to say good night to the family, and a kid wearing a baseball hat and on crutches is in the group. Trying to be jovial he says "Oh hey little guy, what happened, did you hurt your leg playing ball?"

From where I was sweeping I heard the kid's muted reply, but my manager didn't.

The kid's hushed reply: "I have cancer."

My manager, not hearing him, still jovial, says "What was that buddy, I can't hear you, speak up a little."

I'm thinking to myself "Oh good god just leave the kid alone."

The kid repeats it a little louder this time, and my manager does hear him this time. His face instantly changes as he realized what the kid is saying, and my manager kind of stutters, looking at the parents, and trying to recover from this brutally awkward situation says something to the effect of "well, you're gonna be okay, right bud?"

At which point the brutally awkward situation becomes brutally tragic as the expressions on the faces of the parents say that this kid will most likely not be okay.

It was the most uncomfortable thing I might have ever witnessed.

riggygator · 1 year

i went to a large university that was VERY bureaucratic. my senior year i had to go in to the business school to add a class (at that time online add/drop was not available). I go in first thing in the morning and i'm the only person there. i walk up to the counter and ask to speak to an advisor. lady behind the desk: "did you fill out a form?" me: "what form?" her: she hands me a form. "you'll have to fill this out and get back in line." me: "back in line? there's no one in line" her: "that's our policy, sir"

I fill out the form, walk to the back of the line, and walk back up to the front desk.

me: "Here's my form, can i talk to an advisor?" her: "one minute please"

about 30 seconds later she finishes her task, looks at the card and goes "Matthew? (looking around the room like she's calling it out to 100 people) I wave to acknowledge her and shefinally lets me see an adviser.

trailingby7 · 1 year

I was fired from an unpaid internship because they thought I looked bored. I even used the phrase, "I don't even really work here."

DearBurt · 1 year

Was eating pizza with a buddy, who boxed up the leftover slice. As we were leaving the pizzeria, we noticed a homeless man outside rummaging through the garbage. We looked at each other and knew we should give him the slice. We walked over, asked if he wanted it. He thanked us and took it and began eating it as we struck up conversation: You from here? etc. As he was finishing it up, he tossed the crust into the garbage. My buddy, who's a bit neurotic (say, like George), saw this and said, "Did you just throw away the crust?" The homeless man, Keith, said, "Yeah, I don't like the crust," to which my friend screamed, "BUT YOU'RE HOMELESS!" ... Then came the awkward silence, followed by the homeless man walking away and leaving us scratching our heads.

neolduser · 1 year

At a dance a friend dared me to use the ultimate jerry pickup line on a girl. "You wouldn't think it to look at me, but I can run really really fast" She actually got the reference!

kungfufrog · 1 year

I accidentally said to a blind guy "browsing" the buffet at Sizzler's, "It all looks so good, hard to choose isn't it?"

It was only after those words left my mouth that it dawned on me most people don't wear Stevie Wonder sunglasses in Sizzler's on a Monday night.

gizza · 1 year

I went to this cancer luncheon thing. It was last minute. I was about to leave work (half day) and they said "you want to goto this cancer luncheon thing?". Sure, why not.

I hop in the car with them, and when we get to the door tickets (per seat) are $100 (my friends told me this before hand). All goes to cancer research. Ok, I lay down for my ticket plus a $400 donation ($500 total). I get my ticket and walk in, everyone has a pink shirt but me. Everyone is looking at me weird. Ok whatever. We sit down, my friends hassling me because I don't have a pink shirt.

The waiter guy comes up and say "Sorry sir, but you're not allowed here". I show him my ticket and he says "People were asked to wear pink shirts to support breast cancer [his words], are you making jest of this?" [who the fuck still uses the word 'jest'].

I explain to him that it was last minute, showed him my ticket and my donation slip. Not good enough, he calls some other guy and he says "Sir, I'm going to ask you once... politely as I can, to exit on your own free will"

I'm like "wut? Are you threatening me?"

He grabs me by the arm and starts marching me out. At this point I can either "fight back" or go. I don't want to be the douche that pushes/punches some guy at a cancer benefit, so I allow him to escort me out.

He shows me out the front door and then like some tough guys shouts "Next time maybe you'll think about supporting breast cancer" [again, wtf, why do they say that]

My friend came and said "I'll fix this, give me your ticket and donation slip". I thought he was going to go talk to manager or something. He got a refund for both the meal and my donation.

neolduser · 1 year

At a college dorm cafeteria they served black and white cookies. I grabbed one and spent the next hour nodding at people and raising the cookie to them determined to find someone who got my joke.

touchpadonbackon · 1 year

I was at a municipal building in Arlington VA to try to get a parking permit. I had on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt that said '100% Irish.' I hop on the elevator and as the door is closing I hear "hold the elevator!" So I do.

In walks a very dark-skinned black dwarf. He reads my shirt and says "I'm half." Looking at him, it seemed obvious that he can't be half-irish, and without thinking I reply quizzically: "...half a...person?"

It happened very quickly and if I had the time to think I obviously wouldn't have said that. He called me an asshole and we shared a quiet, awkward ride up.

DentalCaries · 1 year

No one is going to read this so far down, but fuck it, here it is: It's a nice summer day in Sweden. I was filling up gas at a gas station. A car slowly drives up to the next gas pump (facing my car) and out steps this incredible, hrm, shapely young woman (as most of them are in my country). She's beautiful, blonde and with a face of an angel. As most guys would do I took a quick look at her tits and turned towards my car and continued to fill up the gas. It all could've stopped right here; I could've had a quick glance at a beautiful pair of tits and no one would've been the wiser.

But as she's trying to get the lid off the tank I could not help to notice she's bent over my way and has this enormous cleavage. I mean tits dangling and smashing together like they were cow bells. Of course I looked. And because she's bent over and couldn't see me I took a loooooong hard look. Suddenly I see a movement to the right and out of the same car steps this huuuge guy. I can see from the expression on his face that he knows what I've done. I start to sweat. He moves around the car and says in a mean fucking voice: "Get a good look did you?". I decide to play it dumb. "What?". "Don't even bother, I saw you staring at my girlfriends tits". awkward pause as I'm beginning to think he's going to hit me "They're nice aren't they?" he says and laughs. The girl looks up from the pump and asks: "Did you say something, hun?". "Naw, I'm just chatting with this guy about all the beatiful things in life".

They both get in the car and drive away. That was two of the most conflicted fealings I've ever felt; scared and aroused at the same time.

Tl, dr; Looked at tits, got caught and the boyfriend joined in on the fun.

powatom · 1 year

I was once seeing this girl who said I was 'the most Larry David-type person' she'd ever met.

We were at a party once and I got talking to her dad. It turns out he knows a lot of the teachers at my old primary school, and so naturally I was like 'Oh do you remember Mrs <teacher name>? She was my favourite!'. He said 'Yeah I remember her - actually we were really close friends but you know, people kind of drift apart - I haven't seen her for about 10 years'.

Now for some reason I thought this woman had since died of cancer. I have no idea why I thought this, but I patted him on the shoulder and said 'Oh...I'm really sorry but she passed away a few years ago...'. His face dropped instantly, I thought he had gone into shock or something.

A few weeks later the girl told me that her dad had called around all of his teacher friends for days afterwards trying to confirm my story, and nobody had heard from the teacher in question for years. Eventually he went to a big teacher conference, stood up in front of hundreds of people and asked whether anyone had seen her, explaining that he had heard she had passed on and wanted to give his sympathies to the family.

In the back of the room, she stands up and waves before sitting back down again.

I think he hated me after that. On the plus side, I was fucking his daughter, so swings and roundabouts.

theantirobot · 1 year

As a bonus for joining a gym I got three sessions with a personal trainer. I used one of them and the dude worked me out really hard in my lower body. When I was done I could hardly walk. My legs felt like sponges and I was walking funny.

The next day at work I was telling a coworker about the session when the supervisor asked me to cover a break in sales. I was demonstrating how the strenuous workout made me walk. Then I saw the sales guy who's break I was covering at the far end of the store with a disappointed look on his face. He was coming to give me the sales keys. He had cerebral palsy.

Nelgtrof · 1 year

I went with a couple of friends to see a movie and we sit near the handicap section. A man with a full leg cast sits next to us with his girlfriend. His girlfriend gets up and the guy with the cast tells me to save his seat for him, I'm like alright whatever. Guy with cast leaves. A big black guy and his girl then sit next to me and I tell them a dude with a crippled leg is sitting there and he's like "what the fuck" in a pissed off high pitch voice. He and his girl move then a white guy and his girlfriend sit next to me and I tell them that some crippled dude is sitting there and the guy's like I don't care. I then look at the black dude who's sitting 4 rows behind us because he notices that its not a crippled dude and he's shaking his head at me. I was stoned as hell and thought the dude was going to kick my ass after the movie.

MrSkimMilk · 1 year

No one will read this, but it's a funny story nonetheless. I used to work 4am-1pm shift and my coworkers and I would go out after work and drink regularly in the afternoon and just get smashed. One time we were bullshitting around at a bar, playing pool and darts when this dude comes up and starts talking to us. He says he's a trucker and is done for the day and just staying in town until tomorrow. So, we all start playing pool. This guy is pretty cool, he's telling jokes, buying drinks and telling us crazy stories from the road. We're having a great time. After about two hours of hanging out, he says he wants to show me something. Uhhh....ok. He take me to another room of the bar and takes his shirt off. He is COVERED with Nazi/Aryan/white supremacy tattoos! Swastikas, crosses, crests, eagles....fucking everything. He said something like, "you learn a thing or two traveling around America, you should read up on it." I'm floored. I make some excuse about it being my shot in pool. We finish the game and I get the hell out of that bar. I think he singled me out because I'm that classic blond hair, blue eyes white person.

TL;DR - Unknowingly had a great time with a Nazi while at a bar.

TheSpinalShaft · 1 year

This girl posted a status on Facebook that said "Trip to Haiti Cancelled --Sucks"

I posted, "At least you're not buried under a pile of rubble."

She posted, "I was going there to help with the devastation."

oldnumber7 · 1 year

I asked a guy in a wheelchair if he was going on a pub crawl. He responded, "no, I'm going to try to walk it."

neolduser · 1 year

Living in Argentina for a few years kids would always ask me to teach them some English. My favorite phrase to use was sweet fancy moses! I love the thought of one of them saying that to another American someday.

[deleted] · 1 year

The first evening class of a series had just finished in New York City and I walked out with some of the other students. No one knew each other and so we made small talk about our interests. I ended up speaking to one man in particular, long heavy dreadlocks and dark black skin, about his interests in photography and as it happened we had some shared ideas. Furthermore as luck would have it we were both walking to the same street to catch the same subway line albeit in opposite directions. The time flew by as we chatted and joked about our new class.

Upon arrival to the subway station we bid our farewells, each with a hand out towards the other. It was a small simple moment in a city which can be difficult to meet new people and feeling good about myself I let formality slide by going for a bro handshake rather than the more traditional one.

At the very moment our palms touched I knew it was a mistake as his eyes widened into disbelief while his hand went limp and cold. My white hand attempted to contort itself back into a 'normal' handshake but it was too late, the damage was done. My new friend never spoke to me again.

Toberoni · 1 year

I gave up smoking 4 years ago and after 6 months of being smoke free my father in law gave me $200 (it was kind of a bet). So last week, I was out with my co worker buddy during lunch. We went in his car and he had to stop for cigarettes.

When we got to the Wawa he couldn't find a parking spot. So I jumped out while he stayed in the car and I ran in to get him a pack of smokes.

As I came out I bumped into my father in law's neighbor (a nosy fucker that I don't care much for), having the pack in my hand.

I didn't think much of it until the other day my FIL says: "Guess what? I talked to [Newman] the other day and he said he saw you coming out of the Wawa with a pack of cigarettes..."

Newman!

frsh2fourty · 1 year

My friends and I had a several month long prank war with each other, mostly involving our cars since we all worked at the same place and we are all kinda 'gear heads' if you will.

After one extremely inconvenient prank on me I took a few cans of anchovies from the freezer of work (at a pizza place) and placed them strategically in my friends car.

I fully intended on showing him later that night where the cans were if he couldn't find all of them because Texas+summer+black car+ anchovies=no bueno. However, he ended up taking off early to deal with something and I forgot all about it. Apparently he didn't notice for almost a week.

By that time the smell had gotten horrible. I paid to have the car detailed at the best place we could find but they couldn't get the smell out. Sitting in that car for more than 5 minutes or even just turning on the a/c at all would cause the smell to cling to you. After trying everything we could (i don't even know how many bottles of air freshener we emptied in there) he ended up having to sell the car. He actually did not have too much trouble selling either.

TLDR-I pranked my friend by stashing anchovies in his car and forgetting about it for a week. Stink got so bad it would cling to you and he ended up having to sell the car.

M_Me_Meteo · 1 year

My wife and I had a favorite chinese restaurant and when we met there I was usually in slacks and a button-down and she was in scrubs (she's a nurse).

One day owner greets us and calls me "Doctor". It was so weird that I ignored it and didn't correct him.

The next time we go in he calls me "Doctor" again. The waitress calls me "Doctor" too.

Now it's sorta silly and my wife and I both laugh about it and think nothing of it. Each time we go in, I'm "Doctor".

This goes on for about 2 years. Then one day we go in and the owner greets me and points to a party at a table and says "They're all doctors from Hanneman University Hospital". I smile and nod and really hope this doesn't go any further. We chat for a few moments about the state of healthcare. Then he stands there looking at me and says "You ARE a doctor, aren't you?".

I says "Yes. Yes I am" and he walks away. And that was the end of it. Never went back. It was a great restaurant too.

surfwax95 · 1 year

I've had a huge crush on this girl I met at the coffee shop. I finally got the courage to ask her out, but apparently the way I phrased it was open to interpretation as she brought her roommate along. Anyway, we've hung out quite a few times and I really like her, so my best friend advises me to get to know the roommate better and "get in good with her." This way, the roommate will talk me up when I'm not around.

So we go bowling one night, just me, the crush girl, and the roommate. It's a good time all 'round and I'm thoroughly trying to be nice to the roommate and obviously flirtatious with the coffee-shop girl. I paid for both the bowling and the drinks. We call it a night and go our separate ways…

Well, the roommate ended up sending me a text message in which she asked me if I'd want to hang out sometime just the two of us, "to get to know one another better."

follow-up

I ended up just treating it like a friendly offer and hung out with her one time. During that time I told her, nonchalantly, that I had a crush on her roommate. She took it surprisingly well…but I think the whole thing is clusterfucked at this point.

Frankeh · 1 year

Girl bawwwing to a group of us about how her boyfriend didn't use a condom and how she thinks she might be pregnant.

I say "look on the bright side, there's always stem cell research!"

Silence and stares.. Silence. And. Stares.

Scooterlibby · 1 year

My girlfriend told me a few weeks ago that she was interested in having a threesome with me and one of her friends (both of them have expressed interest in other women), but she made it clear that I couldn't touch her because she would get jealous. After I left her place, I returned to my apartment and my roommate was sitting in the living room, so I explained the situation. He said, "Well, that's not fair! Why should she get to touch her and you can't!?". To which I responded by throwing my hands up and saying, "I know! It's not a threesome, it's a two-and-a-halfsome!"

kekspernikai · 1 year

It'd be worth all the missing food from my fridge to live next to Kramer IRL.

Locke005 · 1 year

My friend works at the local newspaper and has to Photoshop all the photos before they are printed in the newspaper. He has to do things like adjust the brightness/contrast or fix red eye so that the photos look good to be printed. Sometimes the editors will give him a special assignment that requires some true Photoshop effort. On this particular day, they asked him to decrease the cleavage of a 15 year old girl in a prom photo where she is almost falling out of her dress. My friend says "no problem" and gets working on the task at hand.

While he's busy working on the photo, a few co-workers drop off papers for him at his desk. He notices one woman co-worker in particular gives him a disgusted look. Whatever, probably just disgusted at the photo of the teenage girl.

My friend completes the edit and kind of leans back in his chair to admire his work. He looks down and notices that his fly is all the way down and wide open...

At this in the story, I always hear the *Curb Your Enthusiasm theme start playing.

mustardstache · 1 year

I was in a city neighborhood that was bordering on a not so great part of town. I saw some rather gangsterish fellows standing on a street corner surrounded by a balloons and stuffed animals. Curiosity got the best of me and I asked them; "hey, are you guys selling balloons?" to which they replied ; "No, our friend died."

fartus · 1 year

So there I am, chasing after this bus with a pinky toe i stuffed in a grocery bag with some snow I found to keep it on ice. I finally manage to get on and sit down and start waiting for the stop closest to the hospital when this guy LURCHES towards the bus driver and yells HEY! THIS IS A STICKUP!

The whole bus starts SCREAMING. So I get up there and I get in this guys face, y'know, and he says 'hey buddy, where do you think you're going?' and I say 'well I-' and then POW BAM KAPOW! The mugger is out on the floor!

Meanwhile, the bus driver has started having a heart attack! He's out cold and the bus is OUTTA CONTROL. So I get up there behind the wheel and I start drivin' the bus.

Then, the mugger comes too, right, and so I'm drivin the bus with one hand and fighting off this guy with the other! So finally I get to the next stop, I open the door and I manage to shove him out.

I kept making all the stops because people kept ringing the bell.

kaisz90 · 1 year

I play a slap bass lick at random times to initialize a time warp to the next 2-5min section of my life.

HarvardUndergrad · 1 year

Nothing happened.

shutup_and_listen · 1 year

I swear to god, I saw Salman Rushdie in a KFC in Harlem.

4AM · 1 year

I had once met a girl, fairly cute, a bit off but that seemed to be everyone at my university so I went with it. Anyways, so after a few weeks of talking, my friend tells me that she was talking to him, and that she said I was creepy. He's a good friend, wouldn't lie to me about that sort of thing, so I figured wow, that's completely uncalled for, and I guess I sort of stopped talking to her after.

Anyways, a few months later I'm telling my friend this very story. He calls his roommate down and makes me retell my story to his roommate. Turns out, she basically does this with every guy who's ever interacted with her. She talks to them, they goes around saying they're creepy. I mean what kind of person does it take to do something like that?

And don't get me started on the birds. Always flying around, I always have to use the bathroom too while flying...

neolduser · 1 year

This happened to my roommate a couple days ago. We were on a large group date (15-20 people) and my roommates girlfriend started talking to a girl none of us had met before. They somehow get on the conversation of family and the girl mentions that her father had abandoned her family not too long ago. My roommate wasn't there to hear all this. She seemed a little choked up about it so gf changed the subject. Later that night as the girl was leaving my roommate, yelled to her his catch phrase stolen from the movie Elf, " Hope you find your father!" Queue deathstare from half the room.

Not really seinfeld but I can see this happening to any one of the characters.

sketchampm · 1 year

I have a friend who comes over and takes a dump in our bathroom from time to time. Here's the thing about our bathroom- we have a fan, a bottle of air-freshener and a perfectly working door that closes when you exit this bathroom. For reasons beyond my understanding, this person turns off the fan, refuses to use the air-freshener and leaves the door wide-open upon exiting. The apartment slowly fills with a foul stench. They do this EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. It never fails. Here's the other funny thing...they don't do this in their own home. Only in ours. What the fuck?

I have another friend that goes out of their way to avoid wishing another friend "Happy Birthday" every year, despite the fact that this friend has never failed to get them a card or at least wish them a happy birthday. It's almost too bizarre to question or confront but multiple people have observed it.

LynchThemDiggers · 1 year

When I used to go to church, the youth minister would always make jokes about the church building's secretary. One time I was there and he said something about how she had her leg amputated, and I started laughing.

He was serious that time.

8down1togo · 1 year

Remember the episode where George refused to take off his Timberlands b/c they made him taller and the woman he was dating had never seen him w/o them? I work with a guy that wears Timberlands EVERY day. He's a short guy and is totally pulling a Costanza. Even worse, they're too big for him, so everytime he walks by you hear thud, thud, thud

Passman · 1 year

Sat through a three-hour date with a girl who would use the word "like" every three seconds. Honestly counted how many times she said like in a minute, and it was 20.

Now multiply that by 180 minutes - roughly 3,600 "likes". I was so concerned with the "like"s that I have no idea what we talked about for the entire three hours.

unoriginalusername · 1 year

Wait...your friend went to a breast cancer benefit to meet women?

Brilliant!

moom · 1 year

I awoke tied up in a sack ten feet down in the Hudson River.

Ronem · 1 year

I got up one day and did nothing. Nothing at all.

ParanoidTurtle · 1 year

Everyday at work I look angry and annoyed. Everyone just assumes that I'm really busy and won't ask me to do anything.

kubrickor · 1 year

One day I went to eat dinner with two good friends of mine. At the restaurant we saw a guy we all knew from High School. He was well-dressed, so I said, "where's the party at?" as I give him a hug. He gets serious and says, "We just came from a funeral". I felt sooo bad.

aedile · 1 year

I once saw a guy wearing a cape like out in the real world. He was also carrying a cane, but not wearing a hat.

balchynz · 1 year

I don't want to talk about it.

Million to one shot doc, million to one

humphrey06 · 1 year

This one time I was at a Chinese restaurant waiting for a table and didn't get one for an hour. I missed the movie I wanted to see. :(

procopio · 1 year

I went to my friend's apartment, we watched TV and talked.

waydowninside · 1 year

I don't know if this qualifies as Seinfeld material, but here goes. I was at a vacation home at a lake one summer. I went there with a friend. There was about 15 other people there, I didn't know anyone else other than my friend. We start getting drunk at like 8:00am. By 3:00pm my friend and I go to the store and get a frozen pizza. I throw it in the oven and my friend goes outside to play volleyball. After 10 minutes or so, the pizza is about done, and this girl comes up to me, telling me that she wants to eat her pizza. I casually laugh, and tell her I'll give her a slice. Then, she gets all serious and tells me that its her fucking pizza. I still think she's joking and continue to laugh and offer to share. At this point her boyfriend approaches me, and threatens to fight me over this pizza situation. I have about 10 people, all of whom I don't know, staring at me, wondering "who the fuck is this guy, and why is he pissing everyone off?" My only alibi is my buddy, whom I can see through the window, 50 feet away outside playing volleyball. FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

digitalmediamaster · 1 year

This happened to my roommate, more of a curb your enthusiasm moment though. He had just gotten some serious surgery on his ankle 3 months prior and they had given him a handicap pass to park on campus so he didn't have to walk in crutches a mile to class. Anyways, he had just gotten his cast off and could walk fine but still used the pass anyways. As he is getting out of his car a professor in a wheel chair rolls up behind him screaming "YOU can't park there, you are obviously not handicap!!" He kept walking and pretended not to hear because he was so embarrassed. He came back two hours later to find a nice hefty ticket and a fine on his car. Awkward to say the least.

energirl · 1 year

My best friend, "Cornelius," and I used to work at the same hotel. One day when our boss, "Kathy", was planning her wedding at work, a very sweet elderly couple who stayed with us about twice a year overheard and invited themselves to the ceremony. They decided that since Kathy didn't have living grandparents, they would act a surrogates (even though they barely knew her). Being too sweet to decline, Kathy went along with it and got their address to send an invitation. The couple began making extended phone calls the hotel to talk to Kathy and drive the entire staff insane.

Cornelius and I were the only staff Kathy had invited to the wedding, and the day of the ceremony he called me with bad news. Kathy had told the sweet old couple that he would escort them to the services. Somehow he bribed me into driving. Have you ever been trapped in an enclosed space with strangers sharing every detail of their aging bodies' decay, making you want to both vomit and fall asleep simultaneously? Then they would talk about how happy they were making Kathy, since they were her surrogate grandparents. Neither of these things were true. They were just so genuinely nice that we had to contain the booming "STFU!" in our heads and just smile and nod politely.

Since they didn't know anyone else at the wedding, they sat with us. Before the ceremony had even started, she was complaining about the disc in her back. As we walked into the reception, she insinuated that we would be leaving early. She was ready to go before the salad was served. Cornelius and I had the lovely task of explaining to Kathy why we wouldn't be staying for her reception after she had spent the better part of a year planning it with us at work.

Then we got in our Halloween costumes and headed out for a night of debauchery at the annual block party in the gayborhood. Everything went better than expected!

matbitesdog · 1 year

[deleted]

sensiblethursday · 1 year

This one time I thought I was playing an uniterated game but it turned out to be iterated. Awkward!

sidepart · 1 year

Yesterday, I tried to parallel park.

I sided with Costanza.

Northernlion · 1 year

Obligatory: In High School some kid on the bus jokingly insulted me and I gave him a good old "your mom" comeback. Halfway through I remember his mom is dead but I can't stop myself. Everyone thought I was a dick for a few days for overreacting to a joke but it was an honest mistake!

Teamshadow14415 · 1 year

I was at a bar and somehow got involved with a congo line of ass slapping people. It was all fine until the waitress came over and my drunk friend slapped her ass. he got kicked out

[deleted] · 1 year

I dated an ex of Jerry's.

crikeymybanjo · 1 year

Shrinkage.

Final7C · 1 year

I dated a girl for 3 weeks without knowing her name. I was passed the point of asking... I just started guessing and trying to hear her name come up in conversation...

delkarnu · 1 year

I was in a car accident in HS. Everyone knew the guy because he was a crossing guard at the middle school so we used to see him everyday. He wore really large and thick glasses, so people called him Moleman. When people found out who I hit, for days people kept saying "You hit the Moleman, Jerry! The Moleman!" No, my name isn't Jerry, but it was at Seinfeld's peak popularity.

Bastard sued me because the accident was ruled his fault but he thought that since he didn't see me when he pulled out, I must have been really speeding "to make up the massive distance in the second it took him to pull out."

78fivealive · 1 year

I always made fun of my big sister for looking like LBJ in her baby photos. Everyone thought I was crazy.

skantman · 1 year

A friend of mine hates onions but loves Krystal hamburgers (which are cooked in onions). Despite telling them to hold the onions he always found a few on his burger, and he went apeshit every time.

umathurman · 1 year

I went to pick up my rental car with my printed confirmation. When I got to the desk the woman told me that unfortunately they didn't have any cars left. I told her "anyone can take a reservation, but the key is really in holding the reservation."

camalittle · 1 year

I was once despondent because I could never become a banker.

RAMIREZ - There's two of them! You take out the dogs and the one on the left, the one on the right is mine!

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